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Heckler
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« on: June 16, 2014, 03:42:59 pm » |
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Breaking Bad star takes up new hobby.......
Breaking Bad star Aaron Paul (12) has taken a break from his hard man roles and car racing in order to indulge a surprising new hobby, knitting. 'I'm like totally into it beeeeatch,' said the baby faced star whilst his hands moved in a blur of needles and wool, 'all dem scarves and sheeeeite are like totally where my tips at' he added. Aaron Paul is 13 3/4.
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We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
H.P. Lovecraft
"The Call of Cthulhu"
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Heckler
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« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2014, 08:51:35 am » |
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Striesand reveals surprising secret passion
OAP Singing sensation Barbara Striesand (103) has revealed she has a new found startling secret passion, hamster husbandry. 'I just love breeding those crazy ass little critters' she mumbled, long strings of drool hanging from her maw. Barbara Striesand is 112.
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Clym Angus
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« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2014, 10:59:39 am » |
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Mat Damien invents high velocity sperm cannon
Known for his passion for horse breeding and racing; The veteran actor Mat Damien has taken a 6 month break from acting, to help improve horse insemination techniques at his Californian stud farm. "We're really making some good progress" The actor stated in a recent interview; "We're looking into patents for some of this stuff. It's insane! Me? With patents? That would make me a professor or something."
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Clym Angus
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« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2014, 04:08:17 pm » |
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Madonna in Elvis hicky over bite controversy
The fad of dead celebrity hickys "sunk" to a new low this week, when the ageing singer Madonna was accused of sporting Elvis Presleys teeth marks on her neck. The furore erupted on social media last week when a dental teeth cast of Mr Presley was sold at auction for $100,000 to an undisclosed bidder. Two days ago Madonna was photographed at a restaurant sporting a hicky with the words "The King" written underneath. The singer and her agent were unavailable for comment.
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Heckler
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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2014, 04:44:10 pm » |
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Star Trek star looks into space
Star Trek star Patrick Stewart (83) has been doing a little space exploration of his own, starting his own business doing loft conversions. 'It seemed like the natural next role for me' commented the bald thespian. Stewart (92) who played plucky blind Klingon Deanna Troi in the long running sci-fi series added 'It will be a new enterprise'. Patrick Stewart is 71.
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Heckler
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« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2014, 03:29:48 pm » |
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Bieber begs for Big Bird
Celebrity meat sack Justin Bieber (37) is up for the role of his life, Big Bird in the Sesame Street Movie. Coked up cock goblin Bieber's agent said of the rumour 'I am one-hundred percent sure my client is one hundred and ten percent into this role, having watched Mr. Snuffleupagus in an off Broadway version of Waiting for Godot, he knew he just had to work with him.' Justin Bieber is 7.
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Clym Angus
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« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2014, 06:52:25 pm » |
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5 people die at James Spaders opening night.
Five people have been confirmed dead after seeing the opening night of William Shakespeares Macbeth staring James Spader. The tragedy occurred yesterday evening at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre where the film star is appearing for 3 weeks only. Jacob Cornfudge was in the audience and witnessed the events. "He was up there (Spader) Banquo's ghost had just left. He talked a bit about blood or something, he fixed us all (the audience) with an icy stare and suddenly people started dropping like flies. I always knew he was a good actor but jeeessss!"
This is not the first time that an actor has caused fatalities in the audience. Charlie Chaplin regularly caused members of his audience to die laughing. He holds the current career record of 1375 "deaths by performance related misadventure". The Police are continuing to look into the incident.
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Will Howard
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« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2014, 07:16:05 pm » |
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Sir Elton John & David Bowie have announced a partnership. They will be moving to Galveston, Texas to open a "Coney Island" hot dog stand on the Strand. They will be selling typical British food sa well, especially during the "Dickens on the Strand" annual event.
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"I'm a Barbarian by choice, not ancestry..."
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bicyclebuilder
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« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2014, 07:44:17 am » |
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Justin Bieber has.... That's it. Anything that follows these three words is the most mindblowing gossip imaginable.  |
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The best way to learn is by personal experience.
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MWBailey
Rogue Ætherlord
 United States
"This is the sort of thing no-one ever believes"
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« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2014, 08:19:19 am » |
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Justin Bieber has....
Water on the brain? |
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Walk softly and carry a big banjo...
""quid statis aspicientes in infernum"
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Heckler
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« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2014, 08:27:30 am » |
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Major author announces new book series
Harry Potter author JK Rowling (£1.2 billion) has quelled months of internet rumours by announcing her next book series. Rowling reclining on a bed of fifty pound notes whilst being fanned by flunkies and fed panda spleens commented 'It's about a young orphan girl called Carrie Cotter, who, er, wears glasses and er can do magic and goes to a special school for magic people called Bogforts, it'll be great'. Jk Rowling is worth more than France.
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bicyclebuilder
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« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2014, 11:08:31 am » |
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Justin Bieber has....
Water on the brain? More, water instead of brain. |
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Will Howard
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« Reply #12 on: June 21, 2014, 11:45:27 pm » |
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Major author announces new book series
Jk Rowling is worth more than France.
I thought that this was supposed to be made up... |
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The Corsair
Defective Inspector
Board Moderator
Zeppelin Admiral
 New Zealand
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« Reply #13 on: June 22, 2014, 08:47:01 am » |
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Edward Snowden announces audacious presidential campaign
Edward Snowden has given a statement saying that, should he ever cease to be viewed as a criminal by the US Government, he intends on running for presidency in Canada. This sort of move has come to be expected of Snowden, who has continued to be one step ahead of the US government. He feels 'Canada can set an example for the USA' and intends around basing his campaign on absolute transparency, starting with a promise to enact a law making glass walls the standard for all new building projects in downtown Montreal.
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I think I should also mention I had a dream about this game, only Bailey was a woman...
I assure you, that incident in Singapore was all a misunderstanding. |
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Will Howard
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« Reply #14 on: June 22, 2014, 08:37:52 pm » |
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Mick Jagger has anounced a new Rolling Stones tour. Press releases say that they have hired the band Styx as their opening act. The tour will, of course, be "Styx & Stones 2014". The Stone's cardiologist has recommended that they keep Gerry & the Pacemakers in the wings...
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« Last Edit: June 27, 2014, 06:21:28 am by Will Howard »
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MWBailey
Rogue Ætherlord
United States
"This is the sort of thing no-one ever believes"
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« Reply #15 on: June 23, 2014, 04:03:57 am » |
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In a just-breaking news story, Britney Spears has revealed that she has been huffing helium when recording and performing since the 1980s. Chipmunks member Alvin tweeted within hours of the announcement that he is"heartbroken and disillusioned" to find that his secret crush can thus not possibly be a chipmunk female in disguise.
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Heckler
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« Reply #16 on: June 23, 2014, 08:51:17 am » |
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Dumbledore takes up new role
Thespian Ian Mckellen (52), famous for his role as plucky fuzzy feeted elf Dumbledore in the Lord of the Rings has been offered a challenging new role, quarterback of the Miami Dolphins. The surprise offer from Head coach Joe Filledin came as Mckellen celebrated his eleventy-first birthday in the shire. 'I'm looking forward to giving those Orks another pasting' said the aging thesp with a cheeky glint in his eye, 'Now where's my fecking cocoa?' Ian Mckellan is seventy one.
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SeVeNeVeS
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« Reply #17 on: June 23, 2014, 09:04:52 am » |
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My dear Mr Heckler, I have just read all of your posts in this thread and I have not laughed so much in ages. The tears are still rolling. I wish to thank you and ask....... keep 'em coming....
~SeVeN~
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Heckler
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« Reply #18 on: June 23, 2014, 09:13:00 am » |
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*Blushes*
Cheers.
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Heckler
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« Reply #19 on: June 23, 2014, 01:07:56 pm » |
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Mariah puts the 'EEK' into Steak and Kidney
Shrill songstress Mariah Carey (41) is delighted to secure her dream role, as the new face of Fray Bentos tinned pies. 'I'm so excited by the possibilities,' annoyingly chirped the scale singing star, 'in fact I can't wait to tuck into a chicken and mushroom or minced beef and onion pie.' Mariah Carey is out of tune.
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Heckler
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« Reply #20 on: June 24, 2014, 11:50:42 am » |
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Martial arts mumbler Segal takes up surprising new hobby
Martial arts star and professional mumbler Steven Segal has found a surprising way to fill his time, puppy juggling. Segal, famous for his slow motion martial arts technique and mumbling starred alongside legendary martial arts star Christopher Lee in his last film Kill Bill. Commenting on the announcement Segal said something we didn't catch and then round-house kicked a tortoise. Steven Segal is twenty-two stone.
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walking stick
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« Reply #21 on: July 11, 2014, 10:05:40 pm » |
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The Daily Mail is to fact check all of their stories because misleading forms of journalism are unethical.
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SeVeNeVeS
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« Reply #22 on: July 13, 2014, 04:23:38 pm » |
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Subway to sponsor Eva Green
After her success in the popular TV series Ripper Street and Movie 102. The Afro Caribbean has been approached by Mc Donalds for a new campaign to promote their vegetarian chicken Kebabs.
Mrs Green (67) denies the "Grab yer Baps and show 'em off" advertising and asked what is a "Ménage à trois"?, a triple layer sandwich with pickle and sides?
The French actress said She did like sucking on a Gherkin whilst in Nepal, but the big khukuris put her off a bit.
American born topless Edna says she is a strictly meat and two veg woman.
Miss Green is 19.
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SeVeNeVeS
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« Reply #23 on: July 13, 2014, 05:35:29 pm » |
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David Hasselhoff finds new career
Popular Baywatch babe Pamela Stephenson has got back with her former co-star to begin
a new business.
Earwig Breeding Incorporated.
Mr "Hoff", a singing sensation in Papua New Guinea during the 1930's is quoted as saying
"God my shorts are too tight"
"Apparently Earwigs are big in the world of Hollywood!"
David is 160 years old and still annoying us.
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Heckler
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« Reply #24 on: July 14, 2014, 10:46:10 am » |
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Star Trek star secret second job
Even Star Trek star Zachary Quinto has trouble making ends meet these days so has begun work in a 'Fascinating' top-secret new role, occasional left breast for Dolly Parton. Zachary (27) who played pointy eared elf Frodo Baggins in the recent Star Wars reboot said of the role, 'Parton became a collective organism some time in the late eighties and I'm proud to be temporarily absorbed by her proto-plasm'. Quinto follows in the footsteps of thesps John Gielgud and Laurence Olivier who played her left and right eyebrows in 'The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas'. Zachary Quinto is logical, captain.
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