ah yes, the forum going down and visiting the backup site, seeing the old threads was a bit of a mixed bag. It reminded me of things that feel a lifetime ago... and yet vexingly it also reminded me that the job, housing, and health struggles have been with me for these 6 years of record; and to be honest always.
It's not always great to remember all the things you've made it through, because it's a reminder that your life has been a near constant flight from, if not always death at least persistent suffering.
tis not a cheery place for the mind to dwell.
But I live still, and once again I find my living situation stressful, and at risk. My job is hellish and I've grown to despise it and the people there. And my health is taking me for another ride.
I do find myself thinking about what I suppose I laughingly must call my advancing age. I'm not yet 45, but my soul trembles at the idea that 40 snuck up on me and I'll forever hear the words of my last landlord a year before he died, after his brush with the reaper. He was 69 when he was talking to me, a 39 year old. And he said to me, "I keep wondering what happened to all my time, I feel like I was 39 yesterday and now I'm 69, with no sense that I had the chance to live all the years there should be between then and now. Where did it go?"
and not only does that scare the spit outta me, but it tangles itself in the fact that I'm still no nearer to a place I can call my home without the sense that I will always be on the cusp of being cast out to struggling to find a place to live again. I still must endure hellish jobs that pay not enough to build any kind of security and as often as not disappear leaving me draining my meager funds until i'm not just empty but in debt that I must spend years building back from. And that as ever I will always be sick, and it will always be causing me pain, and uncertainty and make sleep impossible and the simplicity of eating meals a gamble. And the idea that this will be the case until I too am standing in the shadow of the reaper wondering where alll the years I was supposed to have went, and how I'm still struggling with all of those problems.
I know it's just the way it looks to me right now, and that I had months in the last 6 years that would seem like different people and different lives than this bleak picture I've painted for you and myself. And I will rise into that sunlight again. I must remember to write about it here when I do, so that I can look on it again when shadows fall upon me.