Keeping Death In Check

[rovingjack]

I've cut potato out mostly, I have a bag of crisps once in a while. I took a vitamin c supplement for a few weeks and it seemed to have helped a bit, I also took it with a calcium and vitamin D supplement as all three supposedly increase absorption and effectiveness, and all three are things my diet is weak in.

The twitchiness is decreased though not completely gone, mainly showing up when I overwork muscles that have been neglected from illness this long (or when I jinx myself by thinking about it lol). I'm still having issues with steadiness of the hands.

Also minimised the joint pains, though some mornings are rough and some days if I over work myself. All but for one factor. My left shoulder. hurts when I lay down (hurts if I'm on it, hurts if I'm on my back sometimes, and hurts when my arm is positioned while I'm on the other arm). I have good days where it's not so bad if I just use the shoulder sparingly, but I also have bad days where drying my armpit or applying deoderant feels like somebody hit my shoulderblade with a hammer... claw side.

also had to cut back on supplements and space them differently. I was getting reflux and cough from the acid irritation.

Two factors are making things harder lately. Boiling steam heat of this summer. The heat is like an arizona summer, but the humidity is like a florida swamp. It's crushingly opressive, and in ten minutes you can go from one room where you are dry to another where your clothes are soaked and sticking to you.

and the recent exposure to mothball fumes which are somewhat ongoing. I think I've got another day or two of handling thank before I give it a break for a week or two. Then I will be trying a mask and goggles, and maybe gloves too. The fumes irritate the eyes, lungs and heavy exposure can cause anemia and liver and kidney stress. considering my issues with b12 and folate caused borderline anemia (which I hope I've been reversing with supplements for several months now) too much could set me back if I'm not careful.

the heat/humidity, mothball fumes, and stress of the circumstances have my sleep a bit off and some or all of these may be the cause of the recent round of anxiety. But gladly I'm in a better place to manage these things.

so this update is to say: still have some mystery symptoms, still stuck barely eating, now possibly poisoning myself in doses hopefully small enough to not do any more harm than not feeling great a couple times a week, and finding ways to cope with the emotional side of it all.

[rovingjack]

well, for mixed reasons here we are again.

Mostly my soon to be homeless status and what it means for my dietary and other health complications.

but in the mean time a visit to the doctors and some tests done:

My vitamin D is low again and supplementing it is hard to do without disrupting my digestive functions.
My B12 is also low and the last time I supplemented that I reacted negatively.
my homocystiene is high.
all my joints hurt
my basophils (white blood cells that indicate inflammation, allergies and parasite infections) are elevated
my fasting blood sugar is elevated but still not prediabetic.
my digestive symptoms are back sliding.
I'm sleep deprived
I'm having panic attacks daily now.
and the depression is beginning to settle in.

So I must do what I can.

first the court case tomorrow morning

then get as much to storage as I can before tuesday.

then get the car repaired.

then everything else in storage, before I pull up and get away.

I hope that once I'm out of here and the car is working again, that the two biggest stressors in my life will be gone and I can start managing the rest of my struggles.

[rovingjack]

well court seems to have gone about as good as could be hoped in the circumstances that still end up with me getting kicked out of my home of 8 years. I have about a week remaining to get out. I'd like to be gone sooner.

The car has been fixed of this problem. And because the mileage is low enough and the make is sturdy by reputation It should be good for a while.

Now I just have to devote the time to packing everything up, storing, donating and throwing things out. and then cleaning up the place before we do a walkthrough on the 20th before I leave.

healthwise I'm not sure. I think the exposure to the other place may have caused asthma like symptoms. I'm also having reflux and general stomach pains which may be due to stress.

My sleep is still heavily disrupted. Which isn't helping anything else.

I'm hopeful that I can get out of here on or before deadline, and then just take a break for a little while from worrying about anything. Just no responsibilities.

[rovingjack]

well I made it out, and now comes the reality check of being homeless.

I'm trying to figure out foods I can consume without getting sick (which would be a nightmare to struggle with while living in a car), I'm mostly resorting to shredded lettuce I buy bagged and putting shredded washed squash on it and corn/potato chips. I'm planning on adding canned beans this afternoon. And cutting up some cucumber. I'm not sure I want to try cheeses just yet, that could be a risky one. I may try some avacado or nut butters for stable protein with fats that don't require refrigeration. I'm also looking at small packages of sliced roast beef. If I buy one at a store and eat it right away i don't have to worry about keeping it fresh. So it will be a combination of raw fresh foods most of the time with some canned, and occasionally grabbing meat or eggs at a store for right then.

I also made the mistake of sleeping in the front seat for the first night and half the second. with my feet on the floor I'd wake with swollen feet. The second day was pretty bad, and my feet are still a bit swollen from it. Was it from too many trips up and down stairs the other day leading to some swelling made worse by how I slept. Was it the heat? The irritation of the shoes I wore (too hot, loose, no insole, etc)? Too much salty food? Too much chugging ice cold water in the heat? was it just fluid pooling in my feet or was it warning signs of a clot risk? I don't know. But I'm trying to be careful about not sitting in one position too long. and unless I'm driving I'm trying to be either standing or slouching /reclining.

it's raining and cold today, which is a surprise to deal with after high heat and humidity.  it also tends to cause condensation inside vehicles and that means my bedding and clothing are uncomfortably moist. I'm trying to minimise it so that it doesn't become a mildew risk. The last thing I need is to turn my only transport/shelter into a health hazard.

[rovingjack]

It has been an unseasonably humid summer here, and sleeping in a car tends to make the interior humid. so your options are to open the windows to let the outside humid in, or close them and let the inside humid remain. Where a person not living in their car would close the car up during the day on damp days the result of my situation is a bit more like a week of just leaving the car windows cracked open at night.

It's souring my mood (and the air), making everything in there uncomfortable, from my bed to my clothing to the seats for driving. The desicant salts are not pulling anything out of the air that I can see, I've been using a container of that for at least a week and the top layer has taken a bit of a gloss that I can see and crusted a bit. But the humidity inside if the meter I have can be trusted says the levels fluctuate between 30 and 80 and nothing seems to change that.

and I think the final straw for me lately is that I send emails to people listing rooms for rent and never get any responses. I'm stuck in this perpetual limbo of no place to be but no ability to escape.

I think today I'm going to do a bit more on the computer while it charges, then head out to the car which should be a nice hot over 110 temperature sitting in the sun. I will open all doors and spend a little time sorting around and organising things in there. then once it's aired out a bit, close it up and drive with the airconditioner/dehumidifier running to storage and empty the car of about everything but my sleeping setup, clothes in air tight bags, and computers. letting it bake a bit longer in the sun while I sort out my storage. Then drive down the road with the heat blasting, before popping it open to air it out for a little bit. Then take a shower and let myself dry out while I do a bit of laundry and use the computer. When that's all done I think I'll go see a movie.

Tomorrow I'm going to see about signing up with the local maker space for another place to go and do things. and have access to a fridge, microwave, and bathroom 24/7.

I'm scheduled to present at a maker fair on saturday coming up. and after that I may go for a ride through Maine, but I can't even focus on those things because I'm just feeling chewed up by this all. It's weird because I have times like last week where I do okay but then some setback lays me flat like this.

I just want to not feel damp anymore and have some sense of security again.

[rovingjack]

the weather has turned a half corner I guess. Daytimes are too hot to sleep in the car but nightimes drop down to mid to high 40s (F) so far too cold. I'm thinking of splitting up so I get some sleep after dusk as it cools down but isn't cold, and around dawn as it warms up.

I've been to use a fridge and microwave, so I have nuked some ground beef and have that going for my daily diet now. I've found a reliable source of canned lentils too. I can get some frozen squash and maybe some fresh cucumber, so it's close to my usual food.

I might have a couple options for showering now, it's better to not always use the same one.

It feels like I'm getting a bit of a handle on things, though admittedly one rainy humid cold day will likely be enough to derail me for a few days.

In the mean time I'm confronted by my anxiety and some of my weird sensativities. I picked up a rubber band from the floor and moved it to the table. and then smelled rubberband non-stop for about an hour in the room, and then smelled it on my fingers for a while after that even after washing multiple times. It's unpleasant to my nose and I can't tell if it's a legitimate reaction in my nose and mouth or just an anxiety reaction.

It's something that happens from time to time, but not consistently. The only thing I can think of that could be blamed for the current sensativity to it is either stresses of recent months, the exposure to whatever caustic air was in the place I couldn't rent, or exposure in the last few days to fumes from spray paint.

[rovingjack]

ah yes, the forum going down and visiting the backup site, seeing the old threads was a bit of a mixed bag. It reminded me of things that feel a lifetime ago... and yet vexingly it also reminded me that the job, housing, and health struggles have been with me for these 6 years of record; and to be honest always.

It's not always great to remember all the things you've made it through, because it's a reminder that your life has been a near constant flight from, if  not always death at least persistent suffering.

tis not a cheery place for the mind to dwell.

But I live still, and once again I find my living situation stressful, and at risk. My job is hellish and I've grown to despise it and the people there. And my health is taking me for another ride.

I do find myself thinking about what I suppose I laughingly must call my advancing age. I'm not yet 45, but my soul trembles at the idea that 40 snuck up on me and I'll forever hear the words of my last landlord a year before he died, after his brush with the reaper. He was 69 when he was talking to me, a 39 year old. And he said to me, "I keep wondering what happened to all my time, I feel like I was 39 yesterday and now I'm 69, with no sense that I had the chance to live all the years there should be between then and now. Where did it go?"

and not only does that scare the spit outta me, but it tangles itself in the fact that I'm still no nearer to a place I can call my home without the sense that I will always be on the cusp of being cast out to struggling to find a place to live again. I still must endure hellish jobs that pay not enough to build any kind of security  and as often as not disappear leaving me draining my meager funds until i'm not just empty but in debt that I must spend years building back from. And that as ever I will always be sick, and it will always be causing me pain, and uncertainty and make sleep impossible and the simplicity of eating meals a gamble. And the idea that this will be the case until I too am standing in the shadow of the reaper wondering where alll the years I was supposed to have went, and how I'm still struggling with all of those problems.

I know it's just the way it looks to me right now, and that I had months in the last 6 years that would seem like different people and different lives than this bleak picture I've painted for you and myself. And I will rise into that sunlight again. I must remember to write about it here when I do, so that I can look on it again when shadows fall upon me.

[rovingjack]

wow, the 8.1 year marker I set for the last update in this is nearly 1.1 years away at this point. Man the sense of time is truly wibbly wobbly.

I was just thinking about how mortal I've been feeling and how short the time remaining in life can feel. Calculating with measures of how long I've had this miserable job, or how long since I lost my home of 8 years. And the extrapolating those as base units of measurement, and how it made everything feel like 5 blinks away.

But then I have to laugh at myself and think that 65 is as far away from me now as I am from the kid I was on September 1 2001. And I feel like I've become several different people in that time, and lived several lives. And Maybe that's not as small a space to live in as it felt at first thought. And if we are very good with medicine between then and now, there may be as many more lifetimes I can have between 65 and 80, and optimist of optimists between 80 and 100. And wouldn't that be a grand set of adventures to go on?

[rovingjack]

for my future reference, as I will no doubt be back here in years to come wondering about why my body seems to be falling apart on me again. Magnesium.

I was averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night for nearly a month, falling asleep but waking 4 hours later, and having what felt like panic attacks build as I try to fall asleep again. heart pounding/hummingbirding.

eventually I supplemented with 100mg of magnesium and within 2 hours, felt less like I'd run a marathon without eating for several days and taking caffine pills and ended up feeling much more just tired. Melatonin helps a little with sleep, and meditation to slow the mind down. music to help with sleep.

Like I said, it's not a cure all, but it's likely to be an issue again in the future. this is a reminder to use these options as tools to help when it does.

[J. Wilhelm]

wow, the 8.1 year marker I set for the last update in this is nearly 1.1 years away at this point. Man the sense of time is truly wibbly wobbly.

I was just thinking about how mortal I've been feeling and how short the time remaining in life can feel. Calculating with measures of how long I've had this miserable job, or how long since I lost my home of 8 years. And the extrapolating those as base units of measurement, and how it made everything feel like 5 blinks away.

But then I have to laugh at myself and think that 65 is as far away from me now as I am from the kid I was on September 1 2001. And I feel like I've become several different people in that time, and lived several lives. And Maybe that's not as small a space to live in as it felt at first thought. And if we are very good with medicine between then and now, there may be as many more lifetimes I can have between 65 and 80, and optimist of optimists between 80 and 100. And wouldn't that be a grand set of adventures to go on?

Very interesting statement here. Reflecting how much time you'd have even if you were 65. I'm not so far away from 65, and I was the equivalent of that kid in 1994. Just 7 years out of a lifetime out of phase and 7% of the theoretical maximum of 100.. I don't think I'll make it to 100, but genetic makeup guarantees a little over 90 without any major problems. Dementia setting in on the mid 80s. Say 83, and coast until 93. I still have 27 years of independent thought, and another 10, hopefully in the hands of someone kind. Nearly 40 years. The question is how are you going to spend it?

Be afraid not of dying young, but of living poorly for a very long time!

[Deimos]

Re dementia  at mid 80s.....doesn't have to be that way.
 I know a dozen people who were still functionally cognizant well into their 90s.
Helps to stay physically active (walking a lot works wonders) and engaging in metal activities that force the brain to make new pathways.
Crossword puzzles won't do it, btw.
But  what does force the brain to make new pathways is learning a language, learning to play an instrument, engaging in problem solving especially problems that involve envisioning something 3 dimensional from all its aspects.

[J. Wilhelm]

Re dementia  at mid 80s.....doesn't have to be that way.
 I know a dozen people who were still functionally cognizant well into their 90s.
Helps to stay physically active (walking a lot works wonders) and engaging in metal activities that force the brain to make new pathways.
Crossword puzzles won't do it, btw.
But  what does force the brain to make new pathways is learning a language, learning to play an instrument, engaging in problem solving especially problems that involve envisioning something 3 dimensional from all its aspects.

I certainly hope so, but it's in the cards. My dominant gene set is the Basque-Italian set, which ironically carries the strongest intellect (as far as I know), but also Alzheiner;s (maternal grand uncle) and Dementia (maternal grandfather, and great grandmother), with Dementia being the most likely outcome. I'm practically a carbon copy of my grandfather, and various ailments he had, I'm repeating, one by one as I age. Research is advancing fast, I just don't know if it will advance fast enough to catch me. High blood pressure is also highly correlated to both Dementia and Alzheimer's, and unfortunately my paternal Brit side also gave my high blood pressure.  I *may* have inherited my fathers and grandfather's intellect as well (it's too hard to know because of the other side) but he wouldn't give me his blond hair or near Grecian good looks, and he gave me more high blood pressure instead. Gee thanks, dad!

[rovingjack]

Re dementia  at mid 80s.....doesn't have to be that way....

I certainly hope so, ... I'm practically a carbon copy of my grandfather, and various ailments he had, I'm repeating, one by one as I age. Research is advancing fast, I just don't know if it will advance fast enough to catch me...

well the future timeline suggests that by 2036 we'll have cracked the code of solving Alzheimer's ( https://www.futuretimeline.net/21stcentury/2036.htm#alzheimers-cure ) and in just a few years from now, memory prosthetics may see early prototypes ( https://www.futuretimeline.net/21stcentury/2023.htm#memory-chip-brain-implant ). 

but seriously while some of this might be a bit optimistic, I've learned to not underestimate what we will be able to do in the coming decades. As the rate of advancement it self accelerates, we may not get those years exactly right, but I'd be amazed if there's more than 6 years wiggle room.

like me the challenge seems to be to make it from now to then. and I think it's doable. you know what they say:

If you can't run, you walk, and if you can't walk, you crawl, and if you can't do that... you find someone to carry you.