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Author Topic: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc  (Read 45197 times)
Cora Courcelle
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England England



« Reply #1575 on: May 16, 2017, 09:50:37 pm »

I feel useless.

Feelings can be very slippery customers and in this case they're wrong because you are NOT useless.  You can get through whatever is making you feel like this; have lots of hugs from me.
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You have to tread a fine line between avant-garde surrealism and getting yourself sectioned...
rovingjack
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« Reply #1576 on: May 17, 2017, 10:30:00 am »

you know that video I posted (there are a few more of those by the way and they are worth watching) well the creator also does a web comic series.

Brace yourselves this was just the latest of my binge today, there are many more equally powerful.

http://www.viruscomix.com/page590.html
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MWBailey
Rogue Ætherlord
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United States United States


"This is the sort of thing no-one ever believes"

rtafStElmo
« Reply #1577 on: May 22, 2017, 04:41:10 pm »

I feel useless.

Feelings can be very slippery customers and in this case they're wrong because you are NOT useless.  You can get through whatever is making you feel like this; have lots of hugs from me.





At least you're not over 650 and having an All Thumbs Day (LOL).

Seriously, you're far too creative to be truly useless. Chin up!
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Walk softly and carry a big banjo...

""quid statis aspicientes in infernum"
walking stick
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England England


« Reply #1578 on: May 22, 2017, 05:26:47 pm »

The problem for all artists is the gap between what they want to do and what they actually do.  This is worst when you have good taste but not enough practice.  I am at the stage where my ideas are so much better than my skills that it is one long frustration.  I know the only cure is to do more to get my dreams and the reality closer together but it hurts having fantastic ideas and mediocre skills.  Worse still when my poor health means nothing at all gets done and my dreams are still ideas that have gone nowhere.
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MWBailey
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United States United States


"This is the sort of thing no-one ever believes"

rtafStElmo
« Reply #1579 on: May 26, 2017, 02:57:32 am »

I understand the feelings of hopelessness, mediocrity, self-accusation and self-doubt, and of wanting to just slog off for a day (or longer. Maybe forever).

But...A professor of mine from my Fine, Graphic and Commercial Art College days once told me, "Some days you just have to force yourself."

I have to force myself all the time, and I'm not dead. Yet*. (lol).




____________________________________________________
*Or, more precisely, I am too ornery to just give up and die, and too curious to just stop watching the movie of my life...
« Last Edit: May 26, 2017, 02:59:05 am by MWBailey » Logged
Ceir
Officer
***
United States United States


« Reply #1580 on: May 30, 2017, 12:29:57 am »

* Enter, hanging coat and finding a high-back, high-winged chair, as well as a very strong cup of coffee. In a word, rumpled.

Forgive a very infrequent visitor a small ramble. Even an imaginary respite helps a bit.

My work has been stressful of late. Frustrating in the extreme, and a bit melancholy. I work in IT (more coffee, please), on a team that has become painfully shorthanded for the work we have acquired over the past year. Somehow, we've been making things work, but recently issues have come to a head and we are now caught between Scylla and Charybdis with our actual employer and The Customer; with a side helping of incompetence and laziness from some of the other teams we depend on.

The melancholy comes because it wasn't like this a year ago, but things have shifted. And there is so very little we can do about it. Already working extra hours, but as salaried men it doesn't garner much. Our immediate management with The Customer is actually on our side; it's above them, and on our actual employer's side, that we can't seem to gain any traction.

The core of my team, myself included, pride ourselves on being able to Get Things Done, and we just can't. That's why it galls so much.

* Contemplating yet more coffee...

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J. Wilhelm
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Sentisne fortunatum punkus? Veni. Diem meum comple


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« Reply #1581 on: June 01, 2017, 06:32:34 am »

I'm really updet today, probably over nothing but really frazzled my nerves.

At the supermarket where I shop there is and area with tables and a Kosher Store - basically a hot sandwich shop for order on demand plus a mini deli market with canned/frozen/boxed foods. The tables are shared by Gentile and Jew patrons alike as well as supermarket employees who sit to have their lunch during break time.

While not Jewish myself, every single day I end up sitting there before and after my work shift, because I have to wait for the bus and they have free Wi-Fi.  I've been visiting the Kosher shop twice a day for more than 3 years since my work is very much close by. Everyone knows my name, From the store manager and the local rabbi who manage the store through to the supermarket employees, and some of the patrons who are also regular patrons at the shop where I work nearby.

They hire guards - actual Austin Police Department officers (not private guards) who are legally hired by the supermarket (paid to the City of Austin) to guard the supermarket and the shop - they all know my name.

Naturally there is extra vigilance given that this is an international community filled with University of Texas college students from all over the world, living resident apartment complexes and who are also sharing the Jewish community area including Jewish community centre as well as the Gentile residential community which has a middle school, a great number of college professors living in the area and a couple of churches as well as a fairly large number of dentists and medical centres.  You get the picture - this is a cosmopolitan/international - upper/middle/professional class neighbourhood. A little "United Nations" area in Austin.

Every now and then we have a rookie cop who starts paying attention to packages or backpacks left behind unattended in the supermarket or deli shop. All understandable, not at all bad given the world in which we live in now.

But today it was different. The deli counter was closed today in deference to the Pentecost  (a day celebrated by both Jewish and Christian people, and whereupon Jewish people abstain from work).

So I was there at noon to eat my lunch before my shift, and naturally after my shift I got there to take a rest, drink a soda, and plan which victuals I need to buy for the night while I wait and wait for my bus. It's raining outside.

So a new police officer, a female officer I haven't seen before approaches me and asks me if I'm waiting for anybody. I answer no. She asks me if I have any business there - and I tell her what I wrote above. Then she proceeds to tell me that section of the supermarket is "closed" (there is no barrier it's basically the open "foyer" of the supermarket). I offer her to check my bag to see that I'm "safe" neither a thief nor or an attack suspect, Then  she asks me to leave.

I'm very upset at this point. Naturally I don't want to end up in jail, or worse get shot in the head by a trigger happy rookie - female or not, In Texas you DO NOT mess with a cop. Here they pack, they mean it, and if you oppose, they dispatch you as well.

I don’t know if she sees me as a "threat." I mean, what exactly do I look like to her other than a somewhat girly looking man with a good tan? I don't look like a street thug - unless a 1920's Flapper bob now has a new meaning in Chicago's Southside. And last I checked the roaring 20's flapper fashion was not in vogue in Kandahar or Mosul.

I talked to the manager about it. But noting how every time I get out of work the Kosher store is always closed, I may not be able to relax after work - and worse will need to wait for the bus under whatever inclement weather needs to pass over my head.

I'm kind of upset tonight. And I realize I shouldn't be, but that's the way I feel.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2017, 06:57:09 am by J. Wilhelm » Logged

MWBailey
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United States United States


"This is the sort of thing no-one ever believes"

rtafStElmo
« Reply #1582 on: June 02, 2017, 01:06:11 am »

Texas police are like that, true. I remember an incident back in the late 80s, early 90s here in Houston when all in the world that seemed to have happened was that a woman on a date loudly laughed at the color of a squad car; She and her date and friends were (I forget which) either arrested or ticketed with a strong and frightening warning.

HPD had just changed their squad car livery from dark blue to a light bird-egg, almost powder blue, and many people found the difference startling to the point of hilarity; police officers were understandably fed up with both the higher-ups for the color change and choice, and with the public for being so derisive of the result.

What I'm saying is that with the crud they have to take from everybody almost 24-7, police officers are often already on edge, even if they have decades of experience. I realize you were just trying to get along, but in the eyes of what was probably a rather green rookie on her last nerve on a really bad night (religious holy days, no matter from which religion they actually spring, tend to be like that, from what I've been told), it might have seemed like just another case of arrogant defiance. Not your fault, but that's how things start to look when somebody deals with several irate people who think they're the only ones who're right in a row...
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1583 on: June 07, 2017, 09:17:38 am »

today is the last day a friend of 7 years and his soon to be 3 year old will live in the same place I do.
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MWBailey
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United States United States


"This is the sort of thing no-one ever believes"

rtafStElmo
« Reply #1584 on: June 07, 2017, 01:53:44 pm »

They'll still be your friends, Jack, just not in the same house. It'll probably be a lot less bleak down the road, than it seems to be right now. Might even be worlds better for all concerned. Wait 'n see.
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Miranda.T
Zeppelin Captain
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United Kingdom United Kingdom



« Reply #1585 on: June 09, 2017, 06:32:26 pm »

today is the last day a friend of 7 years and his soon to be 3 year old will live in the same place I do.

I do so hope that where you and your friend finally settle are close enough to allow you to maintain this obviously close and special bond.

Yours,
Miranda.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1586 on: June 15, 2017, 01:59:11 am »

I forgot to prepare myself for this part.

That pit of the stomach feeling when you're the last person in a house that is no longer a home.

When a place has been a part of your life so long you get an intuitive sense for it's seeming personality traits, and then something cold and heartless ends it; leaving only echoes of what was, but is now irrevocably gone.

It's one thing when the shift to a new place and a new life is part of a natural progression of choices and growth, but when some cold monstrosity drowned it and cast you out...

this is going to take some time to scab over.
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Lady Ava
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Adventurer, Dress-maker and General All-Round Awesome.

electrogirlak
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« Reply #1587 on: June 18, 2017, 03:45:02 pm »

Just coming to the end of the weird part of the year where uni is finished but commission work for Asylum customers hasn't really started yet! Arg! Literally all of my self worth is based around my work (both creative and Real JobTM) so it's always a difficult few weeks for me.
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''I'm a loose bolt in a complete machine. What a match! I'm half-doomed and you're semi-sweet.''
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1588 on: June 21, 2017, 05:13:02 am »

I'll be homeless in a little over a week, and in my attempts to talk about what's about to happen to me, through no fault of my own one friend mentioned they would be looking for somebody to fill a room at their place in a month and a half... only to tell me when I applied that it was really hard to schedule a time to meet about it and there were two people they were interviewing ahead of me. and another friend saw me explain the things I'm trying to do to protect myself and desperately hoping that they only result in me homeless for a month and a half rather than homeless and broke with a black mark against me in all future attempts to find a rental/home/housemate... and then posts their mini-rant about how terrible their so called friend is because years ago when they were in the midst of some legal trouble I know nothing about she could have used somebody who could have figured it all out for her.

To the former, I hope it's just a tangled lines that will get straightened out.

To the latter, thanks for filtering yourself. Cog knows I don't need that kind of trash around me when I'm struggling.

I guess this is where the rubber meets the road. Those who are my friends will show through, those who are no will fall away. I it would be nice if it didn't wound me in a time of crisis. It would be even better if my own mother wasn't in the latter catagory.

Time to start looking at cutting ties. For me that means distanced polite indifference to people and focussing on the people that matter.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1589 on: June 27, 2017, 01:45:08 am »

The place for august chose somebody else before I even got the chance to interview for the room. So no landling point in sight. Homeless with no prospects any time soon.

Today I had to file a request for a hearing, as tomorrow is the return date for the writ, it's also my birthday. While I was out I donated furniture, and got a library card for the city library.

I saw both former housemates today. One was very sorry that I'm left to deal with this. The other offered platitudes. and I feel kind of betrayed by the latter. He's not communicated or made any effort to check in on me, and when he learned I will likely be sleeping in my car for several months, "It's an adventure."

While yes I'm trying my best to make an opportunity from this I feel like I needed him to acknowledge that this is a raw deal that he just barely escaped himself in part due to my own efforts to spare him.

And as he was leaving he said good luck and look me up some day when you are in the area. It felt like a complete washing hands of me now that we no longer share living space.
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J. Wilhelm
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« Reply #1590 on: June 27, 2017, 05:18:57 am »

The place for august chose somebody else before I even got the chance to interview for the room. So no landling point in sight. Homeless with no prospects any time soon.

Today I had to file a request for a hearing, as tomorrow is the return date for the writ, it's also my birthday. While I was out I donated furniture, and got a library card for the city library.

I saw both former housemates today. One was very sorry that I'm left to deal with this. The other offered platitudes. and I feel kind of betrayed by the latter. He's not communicated or made any effort to check in on me, and when he learned I will likely be sleeping in my car for several months, "It's an adventure."

While yes I'm trying my best to make an opportunity from this I feel like I needed him to acknowledge that this is a raw deal that he just barely escaped himself in part due to my own efforts to spare him.

And as he was leaving he said good luck and look me up some day when you are in the area. It felt like a complete washing hands of me now that we no longer share living space.

It's horrible isn't it? It's everyone for themselves. I often complain about that. The thing is you can't let it bring you down, and realize that just as people are different you will get different responses from people. You have to create your own world, and realize that only a very few people in your life will care for you. You may have to forge those people around you for yourself (or at least that's my take on it - I know my mother disagrees, and believes that alone is the way to go, and for it she ended where she is, and only my grandparents showed me the other path.

What makes me different is that I know the alternative - even if most people think that life is only a doggy-dog world and no one cares for anyone - and thus caring for someone and loving someone is a waste, not everyone is so disconnected. But you have to deal with the fact that the absolute vast majority of people around you will be. Most people around you are just drones, living at a very inferior moral level. A bit more than animals, you must recognize them accordingly. The worst thing you can do is internalize it and feel resentment toward those who show no care. It's like resenting the fact that a dog can't talk to you, it's a waste of time.

Loneliness becomes far more dangerous as you get older and frail, though. Lately I incessantly think of that, and thus Iplan for my future life..
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CorneliaCarton
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« Reply #1591 on: July 03, 2017, 02:37:41 am »

-plops herself in a plush armchair next to the fireplace-
Well, it's safe to say that once again, I haven't been here in quite some time.
Life has been... Interesting...
Hell, these last few days have been a nightmare...
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Ginny Audriana Irondust Moravia. Pleased t' meet ya.
rovingjack
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« Reply #1592 on: July 06, 2017, 06:11:09 pm »

the emotional wipsawing is wearing me down. Back and forth between I can defend myself, and no matter what happens this is going to crush me and I can't see the other side or if there even is one.

I go to court tomorrow to see how long I have to get everything out of here and escape.

Then tuesday I take my car in to get it fixed.

My mother has been berating me for my situation, and my friends have all moved on with their lives leaving me behind and without anyone to help. So I suck it up and borrow money from my mother because she refused to just vouch for me at the bank. Stating that her credit score (which is not under threat) is too important to her to allow it to be connected with me in any way.

If the car is not a total loss, I should get it back by the end of the next week. And in the wait for it I need to be packed up so that I car get everything out of here by months end and living out of my car.

meanwhile my health is degrading. I'm sleep deprived. and there is just so much still left to do.

I did find a 24 hour truck stop with showers that I might take advantage of.

But for today I need to focus on filing paperwork with the courts, dropping off a couple more loads of things in storage and taking a nap before showering and heading to court early tomorrow morning.
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Miranda.T
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« Reply #1593 on: July 08, 2017, 02:00:55 pm »

Dear Cornelia,
I hope they last few days have been kinder to you than it seems the ones last week were.

Dear rovingjack,
That is an awful situation to find oneself in. I do hope you can find a new place of residence soon and can turn your health around once more. It's probably of little comfort in your present situation, but please do remember people here will be thinking of you and sending you our best wishes.

Yours,
Miranda.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1594 on: July 08, 2017, 03:34:09 pm »

I spent thursday night on the phone with a pro bono lawyer who came in on friday morning to negotiate for me. If I can get cleared out of here in the next 14 days, nothing shows n my record, and it doesn't cost me anything.

My back is killing me and tuesday and wednesday at least I will not have the use of my car. But if I move as much as is ready in the next few days into storage. then I can spend tuesday and wednesday sorting what remains into trash, donate and storage piles. So when I get the car back it's just a matter of lading and dropping them off where they need to be.

I wanna be done by the 15th so that I can make sure theres nothing else to worry about, and then spend the last few days setting everything up for me to live out of the car.

I spent yesterday decompressing from the stress and kind of planning how to go forward.

My progress in moving out has stalled a bit because I've mainly finished the high priority saves. Now it's the basic comfort level things I'm used to and accustomed to I have to sort through and winnow down to what I can fit. I'm also at that point where storage is arranged nicely to allow access to everything and almost looks like a livable room... but if I'm to save anything else I'm going to need to start stacking things on top of each other and in front of each other. making it a situation of having to take out everything to get ne thing and then put it all back.

It's also one of those things where you can spend and hour and sort out five boxes of things and load them for transport and then look at the room and feel like it looks as though nothing has been removed. I guess I just have to keep plugging away at it.

I hope that this is over soon. I need to escape this stress.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1595 on: July 14, 2017, 09:49:55 pm »

is there a time machine in here? I can use a machine that can give me a few hours of stopped time to process the feelings of sorting through and getting rid of most of your life. It keep causing me to come to a screeching halt in the process of getting out which I need to be going at non-stop.

I know I want to be gone, and it will be a huge weight off of me to be out of here, but getting to that point is sooo slow, and filled with repeated sense of loss. Not having the time to step away from it, to acknowledge the loss and come to terms with it is making this sooo much harder.

And right now I would take camping out in my car during the nights and going to the mall/library in the day to research all the things I need to schedule out the turning of this loss and struggle into opportunity and adventure. In fact it's all I want to be doing right now. not looking at cards written by the teen niece when she was a toddler telling you she loves you... and then throwing them out because you just can't keep 30 of the things with you.

I just need a few weeks to say goodbye to my life.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1596 on: August 07, 2017, 03:07:12 am »

I guess this year is the year I learn about my home and local connections.

I go through a court battle and do it essentially alone. I end up homeless and nobody seems to acknowledge my situation. and as stupid as it is to be the cherry on top of it all:

about 30 percent of my facebook community of people in the area and from school who I stay in contact with have been doing this anonomous feedback thing and posting the things people say about them to share with friends.

So unable to think of anything negative I've done that would be something somebody holds against me (and if I had, I would want to know) I figure it can't hurt to give it a go. I signed up, I posted for people to try it. Left some posts for my friends...

and now a week later I have zero responses and feedback.

Either they didn't notice me, or they don't have any thoughts or feelings about me to share.

Neither of those is something anyone wants to find out about how their firends think about them. But on top of having no moral support during court, or during sudden homelessness, it tells me that I just legitimately have no meaningful connections with most of those people.

I think it's time I sat down and gave some serious thought to what I want my life and social connections to look like and start over from scratch to have a life better suited to me. I've spent so much time trying to make space and accomodate others in my life, only to now find out that I don't matter at all in theirs. Clearly this is a poor use of the life I've been given.
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