Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc

[J. Wilhelm]

Wait.. there's a post missing here.  Right after my post above, didn't Mr. Bailey have a post??

Sorry, I removed a rather overly jocular "acting out" post about trying on the helmet. It seemed in poor taste and disrespectful to the rest of the thread when I read it over once I posted it, so I took it out. My apologies if doing so has caused a problem.

No problem.  It's just my irrational fear of suddenly "switching timelines" that got me...  You never know when reality is going to do a 180 on you...  

[Arabella Periscope]

I liked Mr. Bailey's post; he seemed happier.  And I wish he would restore his former profile picture, of which I was fond.

[MWBailey]

B-but Yorick likes his picture!

Seriously, it's a pic of my old Anthropology skull parts study aid from college (his various skull bones are still labeled), wearing the first wheel hat I ever made; I named him "Yorick" 'way back when, just before taking him to a party as a sort of gag costume component ("hey, look, I just decided to dig up an old friend..."). I considered changing his name to "Bob" in homage to The Dresden Files, but I decided against it.

I didn't really think it would be disturbing, but then again there I go; my recent illnesses notwithstanding, I've always had a rather 'dark' bent. I'll change it to a more banjo-y pic when I find one that fits the season. Or, since Miss Arabella likes the former one, if I can find it, I'll try to repost that.

[MWBailey]

Howzat?

[J. Wilhelm]

Howzat?

Much better Mr. Bailey. Happy to see the banjo. (of course no one said it could not be a skull-covered Steampunk banjo).

[MWBailey]

Howzat?

Much better Mr. Bailey. Happy to see the banjo. (of course no one said it could not be a skull-covered Steampunk banjo).

Interesting that you would say that; I was thinking of gluing a skull-and-crossbones to the endbutton on the fiddle I'm working on. Or, maybe carving a new one with the design carved on the dome of the button. That's if I don't destroy the instrument trying to set the soundpost, of course.

I wonder if I should do a skull inlay for the minstrel banjo...

[Rose Inverness]

*Heaves a deep sigh, leaning on the door which seems to have grown heavy. Enters the room and allows the door to fall shut silently behind her. So much quieter than the door of the hotel room she is stepping out of. The World's Fair is simply too much at the moment....

The past day and a half have been tiring, frustrating, and overwhelming, and while she wishes to meet new friends of the steampunk variety, she can't seem to quite bring herself to speak to them for longer than a hello and inquiry as to how they're doing.

The slight figure in black velvet hooded cape and green velvet gown steps carefully into the wardrobe, for modesty. Moments later she emerges in pajamas that rival a chinchilla's coziness. With the little cat curling about her ankles, she slides into the massive fawn-colored high-backed leather chair and curls up for another sleep. She accepts a mug of pleasantly-hot cider with spices from the kind soul roaming round, and allows the warmth to soothe her aching fingers through the ceramic mug. Tears of easing into relaxation slip down her cheeks and the little cat rubs its head against her kindly. A piece of gingerbread is soon placed on a small table next to her.

Elsewhere in the room a fire crackles on the hearth; occasional wooden clicks are heard, as of a chess game; and one could imagine the music of a violin off in the distance, through the wind which tosses the treetops outside the window.*

[MWBailey]

*takes a small abacus from a pocket and retreats to his corner, flicking the beads back and forth as he calculates the proper dimensions for the inlays*

[Arabella Periscope]

Oh good, I knew that chair was waiting for someone, and it is gingerbread day.  Do you detect the peach brandy in it?
And the door, did you see the shape? They have camel-shaped doors in the east, this one is wider and arched at the top. Very thick, Druid oak. No wolves can get in, or any other dire creature except Mr. Bailey.  It is not unusual to seep tears of relief when this door closes behind you; perhaps it is the smell of books and a wood-burning fire, tea, baking, brasso, lavender polish, tobacco (I saw a deerstalker on the hatstand) and the dust of centuries of peace. Perhaps you will feel better after tea.

[rovingjack]

sets a mary poppins like leather bag on the floor and pulls out an easel and a few canvases with paints. I feel I need to express the existential crisis I'm in the midst of in a way that depersonalizes it enough to allow perspective and objectivity enough to allow some sort of resolution.

(ie, faced with my most recent awareness of my finite existence I'm haveing to reevaluate the nature of my existence. I'll not likely become a spouse or parent, probably won't have the chance at a long career or retirement either, don't want to be super famous, money won't give my life any more meaning than it has now. I've not got much in the way of friends or family anymore, partly because most of them went looing for some or all of the above.

That leave the purpose of my existence to two areas. enjoyment of my experiences and inspiring others. The hard truth is that I'm not currently enjoying life to a degree that my last day I will look back on fondly, and I've shared some ideas but I've not truely inspired much of anything in quite some time. I've allowed myself to get stuck in a rut of existence without thought for what sort of existence it is.

I know part of this right now is the depression talking, and maybe the anxiety about how much time I may or may not have to do something worthwhile, but I'm having a hard time imagining anything that would have me sighing "That was a wonderful adventure." and I've got to sit down and figure out what things are truely important to my life and my enjoyment of it so that I can have that moment at the end.

In short I want my life back. It's supposed to be mine, owned and operated by others for some other plan other than my own.)

[CorneliaCarton]

Finally, NHS Fife have contacted me. I have an appointment with a psychologist in June. Took them long enough.

[rovingjack]

In trying to not be so negative I'm suddenly aware of how many of my online connections and loose associations from past friends are turning into a stream of moaning and just general displeasure with the tedium of their existence.

I never noticed it before but the world around me is full up with people vocal about what a burden it is to live in our world.

It's no wonder that when my inner explorations leave me feeling raw and unhappy that upon turning outside I encounter stories of whoa about the cheap pen somebody got from their employer for ten years service and to pick an esspresso machine or Iphone dock from a catalog.  Or the governments are doing cruel and harsh things to their people, justifying it with security and or economic hard times. Or the financial burdens. or something or other else.

I keep reminding myself that the world is actually better than it was 100 years ago. Even the poorest slob today would make emporers and kings of the past envious. That war and disease today are less common than at other times in human history. But that's knowledge, not feeling.

Right now I'm feeling bad about the world and the only other feelings coming into my feeds are seeming to be bad too. Marriages falling apart with kids stuck in the middle. People losing their jobs. And despite the knowledge of things I have the feelings are getting reinforced.

But somehow withdrawing from interaction seems the wrong answer. That just causes me to be left alone with nothing but my inner angst and feelings to stew in.

working on a solution right now. it might take a bit though.

[Camellia Wingnut]

My Dear Rovingjack,
The Dragon-Tamer's Room is exactly the place you need. Your worldly concerns and distresses are torn away from you by the wolves guarding the door. You leave them outside and enjoy the exquisite relief of simple comforts, the warm but wordless support of your companions, and a quiet mind. You contemplate the firelight and bask in the silence. You are comfortable, cosy, and safe.
Presently, you will feel stronger, put on the persona you left in the vestibule, and go back out to the fray; and a core of warmth and courage, like a little steam engine, will chug away deep inside where you really are.
Kindest Regards,
Camellia

[J. Wilhelm]

Dear fellow dragon tamers:

Today I'm particularly distraught and in spite of being of relative calm mind at the moment, I am very saddened by the passing of my grandfather who raised me as a son from the age of 16 mo. through to adulthood.  He passed into the other world at the age of 92.

I am relatively calm about the fact that he is no longer suffering, as he was languishing at a nursing home for a number of years, such that he is no longer bored out of his mind, and more so knowing that his passing was painless and it happened during an afternoon post-lunch nap.

That was a man whose accomplishments in life I will never be able to reach.  He was my age when I was deposited into his arms as a baby.  Somehow it just seems fitting that he should depart this world when I turned the same age.

The last time I dealt with death was with my grandmother in my very early 20's and that time it was relatively fast and a surprise, being a relatively quick yet painful death at a hospital.  At the time I fell apart and I am amazed at the degree of difference that a mere two decades can make in my reaction when facing the inevitable.  Perhaps because I had to take care of him for a number of yeras, and so his declining presence in the world was entirely expected a few years ago.

Granted I don't know how I will react in the following days, but being in a daze and not having the luxury to stop my own work, I have been informed that instead of a funeral there will be a wake (we are not Irish by the way - but it's a rather interesting choice made by my uncle).  His body will be cremated and the ashes spread over the ocean.

If you pardon this diatribe, I just felt I needed to write about it.

J. Wilhelm

[frances]

Please accept my condolences.  He must have been a wonderful man.

Oh look, a trolley with hot chocolate, whipped cream and marshmallows.  Would you care to join me in a toast? 

[J. Wilhelm]

Please accept my condolences.  He must have been a wonderful man.

Oh look, a trolley with hot chocolate, whipped cream and marshmallows.  Would you care to join me in a toast? 

Thank you dear Frances.  A toast is actually a good idea.
*raises a cup with  hot chocolate*
"A toast.  To my grandfather and his long life.  May it inspire others to follow!"

[MWBailey]

Prosit!

[Madasasteamfish]

Cheers!

Feels strange to think that it's just turned 3 years since my own grandfather passed on (the anniversary of his death was saturday).

[Flightless Phoenix]

Cheers! *takes big gulp of hot chocolate*

He sounds like a truly wonderful individual, and we are all here very grateful to him for raising you to be the fabulous person (and most importantly member of this forum =P) you are today!!

Slipping away peacefully during a nap sounds like a good way to go if I ever make it to such an esteemed age =]

[J. Wilhelm]

Hear, hear, dear ladies and gentlemen!  Thank you very much.  Although I must confess, I'm very much feeling down today.  Like I have no energy.

[rovingjack]

Slipping away peacefully during a nap sounds like a good way to go if I ever make it to such an esteemed age =]

I don't know the specifics of his case, and while I'd love to celebrate a ripe old 3472year birthday with a bit of orbital skydiving into a gas giant orbiting one of the stars just galactic north of the gliese system, this does sound like an exquisite way to finish up.

I'd like a sunny day, on cushioned lawn chairs with a companion (even if it's some nurse or a crazy loon whose not all there and maybe smells of skin cream) and maybe a half serious game of chess, a cool drink and some nice finger sandwhiches with nothing to worry about and maybe a bit of story telling about some of my favorite memories. Then lay back in the lounger with my hat over my face for a nap.

Or maybe some pixie kiss showers on a cool foggy day and a bit of quiet at the windows as it turns to rain so I can nap to the sound of rain fall on windows and rooftop.

yes, I think I could be quite happy with some version of those.

[Arabella Periscope]

So sorry,Admiral, about your grandfather *solemn salute with hot chocolate* he lives on in you.

[J. Wilhelm]

So sorry,Admiral, about your grandfather *solemn salute with hot chocolate* he lives on in you.

Thank you dear Arabella. 

I have not heard a word from my uncle on the "Wake" though.

I was hoping he would last a bit longer such that I could show him that I had recovered financially, as he carried the burden of having left the business mess to me, but I guess 92 was long enough.

His passing was not unexpected at his age, but it definitely has ruined my mood and drained my energy and I should be a lot more upset, but oddly I'm maintaining a fairly even keel.

My mother on the other hand, she pretty much fell apart. My mother carries the guilt of not having come to see him last year and knowing that my grandfather died alone at the time. Having abandoned me after her divorce as a 19 year old girl, and not being psychologically able to be close to her family (or any other person for that matter) is a fact that is finally taking a toll on my mother, which explains her reaction.
When my grandmother passed away, my mother was in the hospital along with myself, my grandfather and many other people, so she died surrounded by family. 

My father having left us since I was a baby, and re-marrying later on, grew horrendously hostile - and  would even say twisted toward my grandfather, whom he irrationally blamed for his own failing as a father and a husband, not realising that any blame only lied exclusively on them as an extremely young couple when I was born.  I would never call and tell my father about my grandfather's passing, unless I want to see my father cheering at my grandfather's death - at which point I don't know what I would do to him.     I was very lucky to have been raised by my grandparents.  God knows what would have happened otherwise.

I'll see how it plays out, but I can't tell my mother how to live her life.  She still has too much will and rebelliousness in her.  She will have to be alone for a few more years, until she mellows enough to be able to share close space with other people close to her (you see, she has this severe reaction toward "perceived "control" by others - the closer you get the more she will react, hence she's always alone).  The problem is that such rebelliousness will come back to bite her later on.

[Rose Inverness]

*The sleeper wakes refreshed, to hot cocoa salutes for the departed.*

I shall raise my cocoa mug in honor of your grandfather and also honoring my friend whom I didn't have the emotional wherewithal at the time to grieve when he died so so young (in 2009). It's really an horrific thing to lose a friend. I'm grieving him this week... after meeting someone who reminded me SO much of him that I was completely thrown for a loop. I found myself looking at this person's eyes, trying to see my friend in him. Merely part of the tough time I was having during the Fair. It sounds insane, perhaps, but was a natural reaction to the confusion of loss-that-hasn't-been-mourned. So without wallowing in sadness, when sad feelings arrive, I honor them..."this is real, this is warranted. this is a sad loss of a valued friend." I miss him because he had such good qualities.

Blessings to all who grieve. May you feel the comfort the universe is offering you. It is always here.

*Chortles at the lack of chess and presence of abacus in the -thankfully- dimly lit room. Placing a warm cloth infused with lavender over her face to ease the migraine, she settles back to sleep in the giant chair. The little cat seems to have wandered off to the chow dish, and has been replaced temporarily by:

 
*

[MWBailey]

*pauses in his calculations and looks down at himself*

Dire creature? ...Oh, dear, sorry about that.

*forces the involuntary timewind eddies that swirl about his person to desist*

There, that's better.

*resumes calculating on the soroban*