Author Topic: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc  (Read 205584 times)

Prof Marvel

  • Zeppelin Captain
  • *****
  • Posts: 1157
  • Above All Else, Do No Harm
    • Spare Goggles
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1850 on: November 27, 2021, 12:16:44 pm »
the year has been brutal on me for so long that I can't seem to remember what it's like to not feel battered and yet constantly on the precipice of being lost.

I'm not even worried about death so much as a long decline in quality of life that makes living suffering. and the equally harsh sense that I had so much potential that will go completely unrealized because I lived so much of my existence struggling just to survive.

part of me is also angry that even the above being true, so many people in the world have it worse than I. So how dare I be upset. And by the way of response to that is the upset I feel at the injustice of a world where there are so many who have it worse than I do and even my lofty hieghts above all that can feel a miserable and pitiful waste of existence and potential.

a small part of me says that it can't be like this all the time, and eventually I will be back on my feet. But for now there is a larger part of me that also calls BS on that platitude. knowing full well that there is no proof that I will get through this. That the idea that there is a reason or purpose to everything is such a load of crap. Good people who have never deserved misery drown in it, every day. suffering and circling the drain from which they never actually escape, their lives just downward spiral until the day they can rise again. It would be conceited delusion to think I'm somehow special and am granted a chance all those don't get.

and the uncertainty of where I go from here should the floor drop out from under me again, has me feeling like I'm a hairs breadth away from the mad man in rags catching fits of sleep where I can before the cops muscle me out of some parking lot hungry and sick all the time. no longer able to imagine things that are creative or beautiful because I've forgotten what those things feel like. My life just a mess of misery and desperation as I argue with myself and beat myself up because I coulda been something be some flaw about myself made me a failure.

and I know it's literally crazy talk. but it's not only the loudest voice on some days... it's the only voice.

My Dear RJ

You are not alone.

You are not alone in your suffering; the world is full of suffering.
But just as there is not contest for who is the most happy, there is not contest for suffering, one should not feel bad that you have it better than others...
YOUR suffering is still just as legitamit.

To be blunt , we ALL are one step away from disaster. It may seem that the guy with a hosue, car, finances, etc has it made, and yet everyday "something" happens to one of those guys and bang.... He is destitute and living in  box. Not just a story, I have seen it.

Also, severe anxiety is a disease and without curing it the body and mind suffer like a disease.
It is debilitating to be in a constant state of worry.
It sounds like you are plagued by "monkey mind" and Perhaps finding a way to tame the monkey mind might be a solution?

Prf mrvl
MIGRATION to Spare Goggles under way

rovingjack

  • Zeppelin Admiral
  • ******
  • Posts: 2011
  • https://youtube.com/c/RovingJack
    • rovingjack.com
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1851 on: December 02, 2021, 07:20:56 am »
I think a lot started with the job I had being such a nightmare.

Because in the long run the best thing for my mental health is to be able to creatively work on my own projects. It soothes me, and provides a sense of accomplishments and pride in something. The job not only didn't appreciate what work I did, but kept mounting sissfian tasks, requiring random changes to the scheduled hours and insults from managment... it left me unable to focus or without energy to do any creative things. Leaving me to slowly unravel. Then I nearly lost a friend, lost my car, nearly lost my living space in a time where there is an affordable housing crisis for people who aren't minimum wage employees with disabilities. So my prospects for a car, were zero, my prospects for a place to live were zero, and I had to get away from that job before it killed me.

Too many important parts of the systems keeping me alive started to fall away.

I taped most of it back together, but these things aren't fixed, just patched. I need to find replacements or backups for all of those things. Meanwhile the housing situation remains slightly strained, we have a rodent and roof leak problem, and a new housemate who has had C.Dif in his past, now has a colostomy bag and doesn't use soap on his hands, showers less than once a week, and uses my dishes but doesn't use soap to clean them before putting them back.

The car I have now started stalling and needed to go in for repairs within a month of my getting it.

And I quit the job, but have been unable to find replacement work.

meanwhile I developed shingles. I'm wearing damaged denture because I can't find anywhere I can get them replaced for less that several thousand dollars. and my digestive system is flairing again.

Despite that I can usually keep my crap together for a while, but then I wake up with what seems to be an ear infection out of nowhere. And try like hell to just cope with it, without spending hours speculating if the rodents or roof leaks are making me sick. Or if the filthy housemate gave me an illness that would destroy my digestive system and possibly kill me.

Then I go to family for a night and eat some food there that I know can cause me flu like symptoms, because they forgot that fact, and they didn't have anything else I could eat. and I end up shivering, achey, and miserable.

and so the year has gone from one thing to the next, and it's hard to not look around with darting eyes to try to see the dangers, so that I might have a chance to avoid or at least brace for them, rather than getting completely caught off guard any more times.

meanwhile knowing that the anxiety is sometimes going a bit too far, doesn't really help. Because logically I know the odds are not high that I will get boubonic plague from mice running through the kitchen. Or the housemate who they wouldn't have likely given him the colostomy surgery if he had an active c.diff infection still going in his system (I wash things before I use them anyway). I try to just ignore the thoughts that I might be allergic to another of my safe foods. I try to clean and have done some repairs to the bathroom to remove things like mold from potentially making me sick.

Little things to silence the anxieties. But there is just soo much wrong right now. and it feels like I've forgotten what it's like not to have 5 things actively wrong in the moment and something new hitting me by the end of the week.

and so I go to my councilor every two weeks. and inbetween then I use ingredients stacked on the table, to be out of reach of the mice in the cupboards and walls, to make creative recipes. I play with papercraft. I brainstorm artworks, and video ideas. do some writing. start preparing to try learn fire breathing and juggling. sign up for some online creative classes. and plan the month of december to be and Invent Calendar where I make mockups for invention ideas for the whole month.

But I'm still worried about driving the car incase it breaks again. I'm still worried about how close homelessness is at all times. and I worry about my health, not because I fear dying (in some ways that would almost be the bandaid off quickly) but because of fear of suffering more and more over time and it never getting any better.

And I know there is an irrationality to some of that, and it's and energy drain that I could better spend the energy elsewhare in my life if I could just shake those anxieties. But it's not really all that easy. My councilor has forced me to at least entertain the notion that I have PTSD from my illness, being forced into homelessness, and the events of this past year. and on top of that I have little to no social circle to lean on, and never learned how to ask for help let alone accept it when it's offered. And I need to acknowledge that I've a few disabilities that just make things harder for me, and stop pretending that I can just muscle through those.

but for now, my life is a mess, it's making me a mess, and I need to just do what I can to work through it, and for all that I can, spend some time being creative.

Because when I say I've been struggling with hit after hit so much that I forget what it's like not to be drowning in struggle... being in the midst of something creative is that feeling of not drowning. They are the reminder that there is, was and will be more than those troubles.
When an explosion explodes hard enough, the dust wakes up and thinks about itself.

rovingjack

  • Zeppelin Admiral
  • ******
  • Posts: 2011
  • https://youtube.com/c/RovingJack
    • rovingjack.com
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1852 on: December 02, 2021, 11:22:44 pm »
Aaaand now there is corona virus infection connection. Thanksgiving day my landlord and his wife went to her family (all refusing the vaccine, though bothe the landlord and his wife had covid earlier this year and have both been vaccinated). The next day I came out to find him in our fridge and using our stove to prepare things for his daughter coming the visit. I not knowing any of this went up to visit family, we've all been vaccinated. Then came back here. During the last few days, to gross housemate went down and spent time with the landlord, bringing his 7 year old autistic son. Then they came back up here and I entertained and watched the son while the guy spent hours on his cellphone. The son and I handed back and fourth some rubix cube type puzzles.

Today I gave the landlord the rent, only to hear his wife say, "Does he know?" know what? "Did you tell either of them?" 'Oh I forgot.' know what? "We've both had exposure to the virus at my families thanksgiving." have you got it again? "We can't get a test right now."

several of her family that were there now have it. I'm unclear why they can't get tested right now. and since most of the people that matter in this equation have been vaccinated I'm reasonably sure we are safe ourselves, and but I'm annoyed that I'm forced to do the responsible thing and isolate so I don't carry it asyptomatically to others who haven't vaccinated, while it's because people who refused to get vaccinated spread it around.

and I resent the fact this sort of thing is so common around us that it's made me feel like I think it would be okay by me if those who have it right now ... god it feels so wrong to think that I don't want to admit that I kinda wish that people like that were forced to deal with the consequences of their actions. The landlords wifes family literally had the scare 4 months ago that somebody gave the virus to their 80 yrs old mother and she was badly sick for a while. To go through that and still choose to not vaccinate and then gather in a large group and expose others to it, and then those others go and interact with still others spreading the risk far and wide... I hope the virus prunes some of these diseased branch so that they don't threaten the rest of the tree in the future.

I hat that I think that way now.

rovingjack

  • Zeppelin Admiral
  • ******
  • Posts: 2011
  • https://youtube.com/c/RovingJack
    • rovingjack.com
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1853 on: January 24, 2022, 11:42:10 pm »
Okay, this will sound kinda stupid, but it's working for me right now. And I've been told that if something is stupid but works, it's not stupid.

If my brain is going to constantly kick into what if, and worst case scenarios, and amp up fight or flight responses, and trigger sense of helplessness out of superstitious belief in inescapable fates... I'm gonna stop feeding it negative worry fodder and start feeding it horoscopes.

Like a message of 'we need to talk' leading to a thought spiral that culminates in a belief that everything negative is going to happen to me and I can't do anything to prevent from ending up homeless on the street in constant sickness and pain losing my mind and dying in an alley in winter.

Which is a stupid train of fear and belief to let take in all my mental and emotional energy.

OR I can read the year of the water tiger for Fire snakes starting on the first of February 1, chinese new year. And see suggestions that by september or october my work environment will be bearing good fruit, and if I'm out of work now, that finding something now might become that great opportunity in fall or it's okay if it's just a temporary filler position on your way to finding the great opportunity that arrives in fall.

And it reminds me that there may be straining things going on in my relationships that I need to not invest pride or ego into so that they don't feel like personal insults or attacks, and instead be gentle with your relationship challenges and allow time for understanding to develop rather than be upset when people don't understand it at the time. Be patient and don't try to control or manipulate these relationships. (I'm applying this largely to a friendship related to my living situation. and family struggles currently)

and the suggestion that this year could be a good year to use my creativity to sow things that may not bear immediate fruit but will establish good root for future growth.

Yes it's kinda obvious that these are vague as hell and not truely predictive. But my brains already feeding me stressful predictions of predestination, only it's picks trend negative and out of my control. whereas the silly horoscopes are saying that if I'm patient and flexable and give understanding time to develop, while sowing seeds of future growth without losing hope if I don't get immediate feedback or reward... like no part of that is bad advise and it feels like it can replace the negative thought trains enough to not leave me raw, feeling vulnerable and like I have no say in my situations.

It feels like a win win.
and since the week before Chinese new year is a time to clean the struggles away and invite opportunity into ones home and life... I get the place cleaned up, and less like a set of chores that have been piling up. and I get to tell my superstitious parts that we are ridding ourselves of pain from the last year, and opening up and inviting good things in. Open and inviting good things is sort of like being a kid with their first hammer, suddenly you will see all the hammerable things around you... let me rephrase that. A the owner of a new hammer sees all the protruding nails they never noticed before... I'm not sure that's batter but you get the idea. If you are opening your life and self to good fortune and opportunity you'll see the ones you'd otherwise miss for not looking.

Synistor 303

  • Snr. Officer
  • ****
  • Posts: 653
  • Zenyna Ironbracker
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1854 on: January 25, 2022, 01:17:57 am »
Sounds like you are learning to get a handle on those stupid thoughts that constantly invade our brains, RJ. I am at an age now where I have learned to turn them off, but it is a conscious effort. Just keep going.

Prof Marvel

  • Zeppelin Captain
  • *****
  • Posts: 1157
  • Above All Else, Do No Harm
    • Spare Goggles
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1855 on: January 25, 2022, 09:18:08 am »
My Dear RJ
I agree, it does sound like a win-win!

The mind is a mounstrous mishmash of electro-chemical Stuff ( and hormones)  that no one really understands.

Sometimes something that looks like "superstition" ( or is labeled such by high functions sociopaths asperger know it alls ) will actually work.

At the very least it breaks the chain of the monkey mind.

And what is the worst it can do? As long as one doesn't become obsessed with consulting the I-ching and a yinyang board for every little decision...

I seen worse! Like the chicken at Kresge's . Or the eggsalad on Futurama

Good luck!
Prf mumbles
« Last Edit: January 25, 2022, 10:20:50 pm by Prof Marvel »

MWBailey

  • Rogue Ætherlord
  • *
  • Posts: 8770
  • "This is the sort of thing no-one ever believes"
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1856 on: January 25, 2022, 09:11:07 pm »
Okay, this will sound kinda stupid, but it's working for me right now. And I've been told that if something is stupid but works, it's not stupid. ...et al.



I think I know just what you mean (I think, lol). I use various religious and divinatory processes for much the same reason. Not so much the mysticism, as separation from the horrific "suck" of life by a veneer of 'positive thought provocation through directed introspection,' for lack of a better term.

Walk softly and carry a big banjo...

""quid statis aspicientes in infernum"

“WHAT?! N0!!! NOT THAT Button!!!”

morozow

  • Zeppelin Captain
  • *****
  • Posts: 706
    • Billboard unformatted events
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1857 on: March 12, 2022, 11:59:29 am »
Two weeks ago, an economic war broke out between my beloved Homeland and the "Western hegemony".

It is clear that the economy in Russia will go to the ass. In theory, this is not the first time. But I think that everything will be deep and hopeless.

Well, it already has a strong effect on me. I don't sleep well. Gloomy mood. I've been drinking mint tea for two weeks. It's certainly a little calming, but...

On Friday, he seemed to come to his senses. But by the evening the melancholy came again.

That's it, comrades.
Sorry for the errors, rudeness and stupidity. It's not me, this online translator. Really convenient?

SeVeNeVeS

  • Master Tinkerer
  • ***
  • Posts: 1639
  • Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1858 on: March 12, 2022, 01:10:28 pm »
Two weeks ago, an economic war broke out between my beloved Homeland and the "Western hegemony".

It is clear that the economy in Russia will go to the ass. In theory, this is not the first time. But I think that everything will be deep and hopeless.

Well, it already has a strong effect on me. I don't sleep well. Gloomy mood. I've been drinking mint tea for two weeks. It's certainly a little calming, but...

On Friday, he seemed to come to his senses. But by the evening the melancholy came again.

That's it, comrades.

I, as many people worldwide feel your concern, things could potentially get difficult for us all.... please take care of your self!



« Last Edit: March 12, 2022, 01:22:08 pm by SeVeNeVeS »

Rockula

  • Board Moderator
  • Rogue Ætherlord
  • **
  • Posts: 4617
  • Nothing beats a good hat.
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1859 on: March 12, 2022, 01:32:44 pm »
Just a reminder that we do not allow 'real world' politics on this Forum.
It has been the rule since Day 1.

We all have views on world events but this is not the place to discuss them.

Thank you.
The legs have fallen off my Victorian Lady...

von Corax

  • Squire of the Lambda Calculus
  • Administrator
  • Master Tinkerer
  • *****
  • Posts: 5949
  • Prof. Darwin Prætorius von Corax
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1860 on: March 12, 2022, 01:53:45 pm »
Two weeks ago, an economic war broke out between my beloved Homeland and the "Western hegemony".

It is clear that the economy in Russia will go to the ass. In theory, this is not the first time. But I think that everything will be deep and hopeless.

Well, it already has a strong effect on me. I don't sleep well. Gloomy mood. I've been drinking mint tea for two weeks. It's certainly a little calming, but...

On Friday, he seemed to come to his senses. But by the evening the melancholy came again.

That's it, comrades.

Just a friendly reminder from the Moderators: The conflict in Ukraine, and government actions taken and statements made on both sides in relation to it, are obviously political in nature and thus are off-limits; I trust we can all resist the urge to "correct" any "misconceptions" promoted by one side or the other.

That said, the emotional toll  is very real, and may be discussed provided the previous paragraph is kept in mind. The Moderators will be monitoring this thread and will endeavour to guide the discussion away from matters political, should that become necessary. And yes, morozow, please do take care of yourself.
By the power of caffeine do I set my mind in motion
By the Beans of Life do my thoughts acquire speed
My hands acquire a shaking
The shaking becomes a warning
By the power of caffeine do I set my mind in motion
The Leverkusen Institute of Paleocybernetics is 5821 km from Reading

morozow

  • Zeppelin Captain
  • *****
  • Posts: 706
    • Billboard unformatted events
Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1861 on: March 12, 2022, 03:54:15 pm »
And yes, morozow, please do take care of yourself.
Not much depends on me. I made some supplies. I bought some things that I will need in the near future.

Seeds and fertilizers for the garden.

But you can't stock up for life.