Author Topic: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc  (Read 211003 times)

rovingjack

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1825 on: February 26, 2021, 11:15:06 pm »
feeling a bit emotionally burn out lately. I've been running on high anxiety fince what feels like october (or maybe it's been a year now, and I just thought I was handling it okay until octobers seasonal ramp up). and after a year where my job got more miserable, I caught the plague and my employer didn't cover my out time, my living situation became more chaotic, a global pandemic, and national tensions, and multiple hard drive destructions taking over a years worth of work to the great beyond... And now my friend from whom I rent my living space catches Covid (risking the loss of a friend while also making it a possibility that I won't have a place to live if he passes).

I've wanted to withdraw and become a hermit for months now. and I've been forced to push beyond that, making myself work for months past the point of burnout.

And I got a recent reminder of the fact that I've been through this and felt this way, multiple times in the past. That this is a part of my existance, not just some transient fluke events.

It's hard to remember that mundane times that make up the majority of my life (and would make it easier to realize the stress and anxiety, and depression and burn out are not as big and all consuming as they seem) let alone the grand adventures and joys.

I know I gotta work on making reminders for myself .
When an explosion explodes hard enough, the dust wakes up and thinks about itself.

rovingjack

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1826 on: March 05, 2021, 07:00:11 am »
goody lets play a game of "is it a virus, new food allergy, household mold infestation, thrush, malnutrition, environmental allergy, not eating enough, or stress?"

the symptoms:
off again on again hives.
feeling like I need to clear my throat or cough
tongue and lip feeling like I ate something hot and sour even if I haven't
disruption to my mood
disordered sleep
periods of flushing

what'll it turn out to be? how long will it last, and how serious will it get before we figure it out? Place your bets.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2021, 05:15:08 pm by rovingjack »

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1827 on: March 06, 2021, 12:24:35 am »
goody lets play a game of "is it a virus, new food allergy, household mold infestation, thrush, malnutrition, environmental allergy, not eating enough, or stress?"

the symptoms:
off again on again hives.
feeling like I need to clear my throat or cough
tongue and lip feeling like I ate something hot and sour even if I haven't
disruption to my mood
disordered sleep
periods of flushing

what'll it turn out to be? how long will it last, and how serious will it get before we figure it out? Place your bets.

1. Allergy
2. Asthma
3. Allergy/asthma
4,5,6 Menopause

I always find that concentrating on any one symptom makes them worse. Most of it sounds like it is something you ate/are eating. Even if you haven't yet had food intolerances, doesn't mean you won't get them now or in the future. (Something to look forward to.) Take a look at any food additives you might be eating. There are so many these days, even in bread! I went nuts about 15 years ago and started making everything from scratch (even bread) and a lot of mysterious 'symptoms' vanished. And I never drink coffee or eat/drink chocolate after midday.

 

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1828 on: March 06, 2021, 02:41:54 am »
it might also be my b12, folate supplement. Apparently b12 and folate can increase histamine levels, and I've been heavily supplementing due to low levels. Vitamin C can help mediate that, but I've also not been getting a lot of that either. So I'll start slowing down with the b12 folate, and upping my vitamin c, to see if that helps at all. Some of it might also be dyspepsia with a small amount of reflux irritating my esophagus which can also occur with histamine levels (and since my digestive system is prone to irritation to begin with...).

It doesn't seem to be any one clear and obvious food that seems to be a trigger for me right now. Sometimes I'll have eggs and ham for breakfast and have that froggy throat. Other times nothing. Then I have squash and cucumber cooked with some soy sauce and have that feeling. But not usually right away. Then at work I can have water and rice cakes and phlegmy.

So for right not I'm going to assume I might have some digestive upset going on on both ends from my illness flairing due to stress. Mixed with high hystamine levels, partly from the supplements and missing vitamins I might have.

I also made the mistake of drinking a caffine lately. I'm very sensative to caffine... and I poorly chose to get about 3-4 cups of coffee worth of the stuff in a few hours this passed weekend. It took almost 8 hours to kick in, and when it did I thought I was gonna die. Full blown panic attack symptoms, and the rest of the day feeling fried but unable to even slightly relax. Didn't sleep that night, and only got about 6 hours the night after. and woke with hive on my left palm. They faded over the next couple days, and I had a hive on my leg after that. and then the day after that one on the underside of my upper arm the next day.

I'd say the caffine is something that can stick with me for a few days, and can cause some of my symptoms. Possibly hieghtened by the supplements and histamine levels, and digestive upset.

I will see if I recover from the caffine effects in the next few days. and balance my supplements a bit better. Hopefully that eases some of this. And then going forward I will see about doing some elimination diet exploration to see if there are any other signs  to notice.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1829 on: March 25, 2021, 08:52:39 pm »
when the forum went down and I revisited the backup site, I was reminded of past struggles that mirrored these, and wouldn't you know it the last time I supplemented my low levels of b12 and folate, it took a few days to notice that I was feeling like I was having agressive allergies to everything. So I've stopped supplementing and found after a few days those issues have resolved mostly. But in thean time I'm still having sleep disruption and panic attacks. A little less frequently but they still happen.

I'll have to see about getting my b12, folate and methmalonic acid levels tested again, and there may be nothing to do but make myself sick by taking a supplement for a bit. I just don't know anymore.

in the mean time my employment hell mixed with my aged mother having me help her plan for the end of life stuff, has me seriously examining my stability and financials for the future. and it's kinda soul crushing.

I've passed the 40 year mark, and have less than 1/3 of a new car value in money to my name. and as a person with a disability, limited on what work I can get to mostly part time hovering mighty close to minimum wage (which is $7.25/ hr). I'm having to make sacrifices just to survive on my roughly $1500 a month. And a simple setback like car failure, health problem, or loss of living space would set me back years. and I can't seem to get ahead enough to protect against anything, worse than that is that if I take a big risk that could help me get ahead, it would compromise systems I depend on to help keep my head above water, setting me back years.

Then crunching the numbers to see what it would take to replace those things I depend on to keep me at barely surviving, I'd have to spend the next 20 years earning 6.5 times my monthly income per month without missing a month or having to draw on it for emergencies just to build an investment that could sustainably take the place of what I curreently have, and still likely have to work to supplement that enough to not constantly feel like I'm struggling to survive and that anytime something could come along and destroy it all.

If I'd been given the chance to try a decade ago, I'd still have to earn 4.8 times what I'm able, to make the same goal by early to mid sixties. if I'd started in my twenties? 4 times.

If there were none of the artificial limits on what I could do and I could secure a job for the entire time from age 15 to age 60, I could put away a savings of 3000/month every month the whole time while earning and additional 1500 costs of living for every month from age 15 to 65... I'd have enough in savings that the interest each month would cover my 1500 a month. Leaving me living at the barely survivable level again waiting for anything to set me back years.

So basically, if I'm lucky, I will struggle to just barely survive for the rest of my life, and die early as my aging body increasingly cannot survive off the same scraping by funds. If I'm being more realistic, my car will fail me, I'll lose my living situation and with those my ability to get to and work a job, and then my health will fail and I'll be dead before I see the back end of my 50s.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1830 on: March 28, 2021, 02:04:16 am »
Well after some work to get over and through that particular dark wood... It is not so hopeless as I felt it to be. I have some options available to me after all. And it would seem that properly planned investments may well gain me an average percentage of closer to 10 -20 times per year what I was using for my models, and that can be used to both decrease the time until the big savings can be reached, ans well as how big that savings needs to be to return enough to live off of.

And if I can get past my latest health issues. and make myself a plan I may well be able to not only build a retirement plan for myself that would cover my butt when the time comes, but possibly retire early too.

In the mean time I think I would like to put some of my efforts into making a part time income from art, game creation, writing, and my general creativity. I don't need it to be some grand career, although that idea of being able to meet the annual average income for visual artists according to the US statistics (annual $53,160; hourly wage $25.56) would be great, I wouldn't mind 400-1000 $ per month for all my adventures combined. And I'd gladly start that course with 100$ a month for a short while to work up to that.

I'm sure given time something will come along and dampen my hopes and enthusiasm, but for now I see the defeated thinking for what it was and how it was trying to make me give up. It's just as false as my flights of highest fancy, and I need not hitch my wagon to that.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1831 on: April 03, 2021, 02:51:01 am »
so had a bit of infection or something happen internally, caused some problems and had me for a few days with a roaring headache and feeling like I'd been punched in the kidneys, through a couple shifts at work. Finally worried enough that my kidneys might be damaged or something I went into urgent care. Did a urine test, mostly normal, but found some glucose in there, did a finger blood test and can back with blood glucose that is under 100. Went down to the labs to get more bloodwork done and kidney function looks, fine, liver seems good, blood glucose is 98 with this second test. Electrolytes are good. My blood cell counts all look decent. Literally everything is as it should be, accept I have some glucose in my urine.

So I stress about that for a few days as the two things most equated to that are uncontrolled diabetes and kidney failure. But I've been mostly better than the days that lead up to the urgent care visit. So maybe I had in infection before and was recovering when I went into urgent care.

Got my A1c test back today. 4.8.

Okay, odds are against diabetes. and my kidney function indicators seem to be fine.

alright then, guess we'll move on and run a few other tests when the follow up comes along next week, like not getting any real answers then either. And hopefully get sleep and depression/anxiety under control again.

After that, go back to acting like nothings wrong until something happens I can't ignore.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1832 on: April 03, 2021, 03:50:30 pm »
Deleted...irrelevant post.


 
  
« Last Edit: April 04, 2021, 04:56:15 am by Deimos »
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rovingjack

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1833 on: April 04, 2021, 01:27:24 am »
yes I'm aware of that. but the point isn't that my kidneys are being weird. I's that once again my body is screwing with me and making me randomly sick in ways that scare me, but then being all secretive about what's actually wrong.

Whatever the problem, I'm still having on again off again symptoms. And it too much a reminder of past issues not to worry me a bit.

edit: some removed because it adds nothing.

being a place where we expose our vulnerability to anxiety and depression, it does seem like the right place for it. I know to a degree there is an aspect of this that is a hold over from when I was sick and doctors and my family and social circles left me to my fate, and having nearly wasted away (I ended up 40 pounds underweight, and in constant pain) I clawed my way to surviving, but adapted a coping mechanism of hyper vigilance and a near degree of superstition that if I have all the information possible, and know the correct 'counterspells' I can ward off pain, sickness and death that have a taste of me from when they had me in their jaws before.

I'm working on that, and I'm pretty sure it counts as PTSD, so it's not likely to be easily brushed off. And that's just the mental stuff, none of that addresses the struggle of chronic illness and the mess it can make of your life. So it is what it is, and I'm doing what I can to work through it, all of it.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2021, 03:35:15 am by rovingjack »

rovingjack

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1834 on: June 03, 2021, 08:26:39 pm »
goodness, it does sometime feel like life mounds it on high and deep. and can really leave me jumping at shadows, waiting for the next axe to fall.

I really don't care for the cranked up levels of anxieties. And that sense that all these punches from life lately makes me increasingly feel like I'm being told by life that there's no place for me.

I know I didn't feel this way, a year ago, and I probably won't feel like this a year from now, and that there is a lot less of feeling like this in my life than feeling any other way.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1835 on: June 15, 2021, 05:06:01 pm »
I've felt from time to time that it would be valuble to not just share the struggle and feelings that we have, but also the tools we use to right ourselves and the reassurances that it won't always be like this via examples.

I'm not exactly in the best frame of mind right now to offer a lot in those areas, but I shall make an effort as time goes on to try.

For now I will say I've been looking at doing some journaling. as one of my biggest issues is thought spirals. I tend to take one thing going wrong, and make a line from that to the next thing that goes wrong, and then the next, and sensing a pattern I start to include things that aren't even really going wrong per-se and interpret their not going the way I'd like or unexpected events becoming another dot that can be made to fit the pattern. and soon I'm making loops in my mind that tell me I'm circling the drain. The panic sets in and I keep flailing about trying to plug a dozen holes with ten fingers that don't stretch far enough... and it all feels like spinning out of control.

And I feel like perhaps the act of not expending the head space and the emotional energy on things that may not actually be problems, and reserving the effort for where it will do the most good at the time, is a valuble tool. So writing down in a journal the thoughts and feelings, and seeing them as single points and not huge clouds in my thoughts. Being able to prioritize them on urgency and severity, and try and pair them with ideas that can change those factors or offer solutions... I think that would be a great tool to try and use to help me with my current woes.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1836 on: June 27, 2021, 10:16:23 pm »
some birthday blues this year. feeling like there's too much going wrong in my life and the uncertainty that it will get any better. And the additional sense that it's too late for somethings to work out in life now. The airship is going down and if I'm going to make it through the rest of the journey I need to start throwing things overboard to lose the weight and keep us in the air.

But also a sense of having lost sight of where I was going. The debate seems now whether I set a new course, or double down on things that haven't gotten me anywhere so far on the off chance that they are about to pay off.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1837 on: September 06, 2021, 07:34:01 am »
I managed to get myself back up and running, almost as good as before... just in time to have the replacement car develop issues, computer crash, develop shingles, leave my job and not have anything to replace it yet, have to deal with a new housemate with a kid, repair the shower taking much longer than is useful. and a host of other little problems arise.

Right now, my eyes are gumming up and watery irregularly. It distorts the vision in my left eye and is rather unpleasant, also forming thick oily tears on the outside edge of the left eye. On other days my eyes just feel dry and scratchy.  Is it environmental allergies, conjunctivitis, irritation from some of the materials used to clean and rebuild the shower?

I get days where unexpectedly I will get drousey an hour or so after one of my meals, and I worry this is something new with how my body handles food.

It feels so stupid that such minor things would pin me down in such a way where I can't seem to do anything, I mean mentally fried, not only not creating anything but not even willing to sit down and invest a few hours in watching a movie or reading a book.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1838 on: September 16, 2021, 05:12:02 am »
Not sure whether this fits in here, but I just lost my furry brown friend of 17 and a half years. A border collie cross, he was wonderful (most of the time) but alas age was affecting him too much. I shall miss his helicopter tail and coming to meet me at the clothesline, as if hanging out the clothes is an exciting thing to do. For years he was always eager to please in his own stupid way, but no more.

We will miss him.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1839 on: September 16, 2021, 05:22:37 am »
* von Corax offers a platonic, comforting hug and a cup of tea.
By the power of caffeine do I set my mind in motion
By the Beans of Life do my thoughts acquire speed
My hands acquire a shaking
The shaking becomes a warning
By the power of caffeine do I set my mind in motion
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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1840 on: September 16, 2021, 01:42:23 pm »
Not sure whether this fits in here, but I just lost my furry brown friend of 17 and a half years. A border collie cross, he was wonderful (most of the time) but alas age was affecting him too much. I shall miss his helicopter tail and coming to meet me at the clothesline, as if hanging out the clothes is an exciting thing to do. For years he was always eager to please in his own stupid way, but no more.

We will miss him.

Sorontar

Losing a dog can upset the toughest of men, I have seen it. When i lost my 17 year companion I cried and was sad for a month, couldn't sleep because there was no heavy lump resting on the middle of back.
It does get better mate, my thoughts are with you.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1841 on: September 17, 2021, 09:04:14 am »
You have our sympathy for your loss. We have two that are getting very old now and one I doubt will last much past Christmas.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1842 on: September 17, 2021, 09:15:07 am »
We weren't sure whether he would cope with the winter. He did, but was getting worse in the last few weeks. We knew would have to make a decision, but it was always an issue of when. We are proud of him being the wonderful thing he was for so long, but his condition was really making his life harder. Living was hard for him.

Sorontar

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1843 on: September 17, 2021, 11:25:09 am »
We weren't sure whether he would cope with the winter. He did, but was getting worse in the last few weeks. We knew would have to make a decision, but it was always an issue of when. We are proud of him being the wonderful thing he was for so long, but his condition was really making his life harder. Living was hard for him.

Sorontar
No matter how difficult the final decision may be, some comfort can be found in knowing you have prevented any further suffering and discomfort to your family companion. Ultimately, that, no matter how painful, was the right and humanitarian thing to do.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1844 on: September 18, 2021, 01:06:20 am »
We weren't sure whether he would cope with the winter. He did, but was getting worse in the last few weeks. We knew would have to make a decision, but it was always an issue of when. We are proud of him being the wonderful thing he was for so long, but his condition was really making his life harder. Living was hard for him.

Sorontar
No matter how difficult the final decision may be, some comfort can be found in knowing you have prevented any further suffering and discomfort to your family companion. Ultimately, that, no matter how painful, was the right and humanitarian thing to do.

We are keeping a tally of good days and bad days for our old girl - so far, good days vastly outnumber the bad. When that changes, I know it is my job to take responsibility for her. (She is sleeping under my desk at this very moment.)

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1845 on: September 19, 2021, 08:01:36 pm »
Dear rovingjack, it does sound like a reaction to something you used in the shower; some of these sealants can have some pretty noxious fumes. I hope you are feeling better now and something has transpired on the employment front.

Dear Sorontar, the cruel thing to do would have been to let your friend suffer. They are free of that now, and I'm sure they would thank you for that.

With best wishes,
Miranda.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1846 on: September 20, 2021, 10:24:56 pm »
*hangs hat*

I think the pandemic burnout is getting to me, along with the lingering stresses of everything else this year. Practically speaking, the whole situation with the plague has been...inconvenient at worst for me. I am lucky enough to be able to work remotely, and I've never run up on shortages or essentials being unavailable. And yet.

I'm vaccinated, things are open again (with precautions), and yet I find my tolerance for people has gone even *more* in the tank than it used to be. I miss museums and parks and shows and game nights, but much of the time I just can't. Can't deal with the people. Crowds give me the heebie jeebies worse than ever now - I can usually manage about an hour in one place, tops (so, about as long as it takes to run errands or eat at a restaurant without lingering); when I'd rather be spending hours at a game night or all day at a museum.

I don't *want* to be a hermit, but most of the time now I find I just cannot muster the oomph to be out in public with my mind screaming about and why aren't you wearing a mask, vaccinated, liar, other whackadoo? and you are way too %*&^ close, buddy all the time.

Perhaps the thing at least in the short term is getting back to some of the other hobbies I've been stalled on, but I do need to get back into the world eventually.

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1847 on: September 29, 2021, 06:03:00 am »
Dear rovingjack, it does sound like a reaction to something you used in the shower; some of these sealants can have some pretty noxious fumes. I hope you are feeling better now and something has transpired on the employment front.
...
With best wishes,
Miranda.

I have spans of time where I have no symptoms, then a few days with symptoms. I've noticed in the past that I sometimes get an ear ache (likely to be more irritation around the Eustachian on the throat end) when eating foods that contain carrots. Though not always (might be a quantity thing... or finding patterns where there isn't one). And I have suspected something like oral allergy syndrome. But the new gummy eye, with crustiness after a nights sleep and the persistent froggy throat is new and I hadn't eaten any carrots that I'm aware of. So maybe suspecting environmental allergies.

Though I ate two vegetarin dishes late last week that I found out later (when I had itchy eyes and froggy throat and looked into what I'd eaten... so maybe confirmation bias) had carrot in them. But since then I've not had any carrot and been reasonly well enough the last few days, ate a couple of homemade chocolate chip cookies today and had a bit of maybe symptoms but nothing persisting. Then made a half sandwhich after running errands using a walnut spread (walnut, rolled oats, cinnamon, and vanilla with powdered sugar) that I'd used several times in the last month for sandwhiches  on white bread. and within the hour my nose and eyes were stinging, and my breathing was wheezy. half an hour later it settled out. and I find myself wondering if maybe I might have a nut allergy, or one of the other ingredients. But then maybe none of that.

Maybe during my outing that was my first trip out in a bit over a week I encountered something. maybe it's just household dust, maybe it's seasonal allergies, or some other food allergy I'm not thinking of (butter used in dishes that I cook, flour, or oats, cinnamon, vanilla extracts etc). maybe I caught a cold from the other people in the building and it's just a mild one right now and the symptoms are seperate from the eye irritation from shower work weeks ago.

It's a whole lotta who fekking knows at this point, and unfortunately I'll have to navigate the US health system to eventually figure out anything. So I should expect to have one to three emergency room visits in the next year and a half before getting a hint of an answer; if past trends are anything to go by.

On the plus side my councilor corrected me the other day when I referred to 'unreasonable anxiety' and told me I need to admit that a lot of this is PTSD from when I was wasting away to death from my illness 15 years ago and the doctors stopped returning my calls leaving me on my own to try do anything.

And then again several years later when I'd developed gout and the pain of my two conditions together caused a blood pressure crash to 80/40 and passing out. and an ambulance ride with overnight stay in hospital
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I've mostly not had gout in about 8 years, through my own efforts, but I have had a few recurrences of blood pressure crash and near passing out in response to pain and sometimes heat.
yet by almost every measure I'm the picture of health. if you wanted a chart with pretty much everything you could test to show the baseline of what a person should have you could use mine. My body just chooses to reject most foods violently and painfully, respond to some pain and some heat with Vasovagal syncope, occasionally deprive me of my ability to sleep, and produce allergic symptoms irregularly.

Those things combined are part of my health anxiety, hyper vigilance, and a few other things and built the walls of the place they reside within my brain from bricks of PTSD.


rovingjack

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1848 on: October 07, 2021, 04:53:42 pm »
sat in the corner of the dining area and noticed the linolium tiles on the floor pulling up at the corners, and an uneveness to the floor. where the corners of several tiles meet there looks to be black dirt accumulating. so it's pretty clear there is a leak where water is soaking into the floor. don't know for how long or how bad. but I'm gonna go ahead and surmise that is a good part of what may be triggering allergy symptoms for me.

2021 needs to seriously fuck off.

rovingjack

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Re: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc
« Reply #1849 on: November 27, 2021, 09:34:16 am »
the year has been brutal on me for so long that I can't seem to remember what it's like to not feel battered and yet constantly on the precipice of being lost.

I'm not even worried about death so much as a long decline in quality of life that makes living suffering. and the equally harsh sense that I had so much potential that will go completely unrealized because I lived so much of my existence struggling just to survive.

part of me is also angry that even the above being true, so many people in the world have it worse than I. So how dare I be upset. And by the way of response to that is the upset I feel at the injustice of a world where there are so many who have it worse than I do and even my lofty hieghts above all that can feel a miserable and pitiful waste of existence and potential.

a small part of me says that it can't be like this all the time, and eventually I will be back on my feet. But for now there is a larger part of me that also calls BS on that platitude. knowing full well that there is no proof that I will get through this. That the idea that there is a reason or purpose to everything is such a load of crap. Good people who have never deserved misery drown in it, every day. suffering and circling the drain from which they never actually escape, their lives just downward spiral until the day they can rise again. It would be conceited delusion to think I'm somehow special and am granted a chance all those don't get.

and the uncertainty of where I go from here should the floor drop out from under me again, has me feeling like I'm a hairs breadth away from the mad man in rags catching fits of sleep where I can before the cops muscle me out of some parking lot hungry and sick all the time. no longer able to imagine things that are creative or beautiful because I've forgotten what those things feel like. My life just a mess of misery and desperation as I argue with myself and beat myself up because I coulda been something be some flaw about myself made me a failure.

and I know it's literally crazy talk. but it's not only the loudest voice on some days... it's the only voice.