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Author Topic: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc  (Read 128026 times)
J. Wilhelm
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« Reply #1350 on: February 09, 2016, 05:35:43 am »

I like the concept of false allergies being caused by a much more fundamental problem, such as a metabolism regulatory system gone awry like the thyroid, and even ones located inside the brain, such as the pituitary gland and hypothalamus.

It would help to explain many things, including cyclical allergies that seem to come of and go out to nowhere, restlessness and som many other things including mood. The so called allergies could just be collateral symptoms. Also don't forget the paranoia that can ensue out of the apparent loss of control of one's life. 

Lastly, overreaction to even the smallest symptom is understandable when so many unexplainable things have happened in the past.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1351 on: February 09, 2016, 08:25:23 am »

I did a load of laundry today. that involves 3 trips on a flight of 21 steps. after which I was absolutely so exhausted that my legs threatened not to hold me up for a while.

I decided I should reintroduce meat, it would give more protein (a longer lasting fuel source than carbs), some fats, plain calories in general, and it should be relatively safe, as I'd not had any overt reaction specifically to it (basically it was one of the first removed to see if it made a difference, and it didn't).

Still waiting for a call back from my doctor with results from blood tests on friday. The suspected culprit for me right now is B12 deficiency, caused by MTHFR gene varients. It means some b12 (and folate) supplements act like b12 (and folate) blockers, while increaseing my need for both to make my body function properly.

symptoms include: anemia, weakness, fatigue, gastrointestinal symptoms, tingling of lips and tongue and extremities, swelling of tongue, shortness of breath, loss of appitite, depression, memory loss, or behavioral changes.

I'd say that's a fair tidy description of my symptoms, and given my gene variant and a record from 2 years ago showing some anemia based on low folate and b12 levels. it bumps it into prime suspect range.

My docs office says they will call in the morning with the results from the tests. once that happens I'll know if that is our suspect. If so I'll likely have to go in for an injection. if it's not the suspect then I'm going to the ER. I've very seriously been on the verge of collapse or passing out a few times during the course of the day.

but yes I'd say it's definately messing with my mood. both biochemically and as a stressful experience.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1352 on: February 21, 2016, 08:45:50 pm »

I'm escaping for a little while.

It's only a day. It's not far. and most all the problems are coming with me. But I just can't drown in place anymore.
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Flightless Phoenix
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« Reply #1353 on: February 25, 2016, 11:18:42 am »

Sometimes a small break is a big help, change of scenery and perspective I suppose.

My anxiety is kicking my ass so hard this week. I have so much work to do but the anxiety makes me so unproductive... I'm also freaking out because my boyfriend has been off work for a few days 'feeling down and unmotivated' and I'm petrified. He's had two periods of unemployment of over a year and the last one started exactly this way, eventually he couldn't face work at all and resigned. Last time he had six months of rent saved up and then I worked full time for six, so it was only financially difficult for the last few months. This time we haven't had time to build up any savings and if I want to complete my PhD on time I can't work any more hours (currently 28.5 hours on average per week across 4 jobs) and ideally I need to cut my hours at Christmas and work max. 20 hours a week for the following 2 years... I really want to be supportive- depression sucks but also I don't want to give up on something I have already put 5 years of my life into. I guess we could live the money we saved for a deposit on a house... But then we'd probably never be in a position to save it up again (3/4 is inheritance money of mine or savings my parents put away for me when I was a kid). I don't want to confront him and make him feel worse but I just don't see how I'm supposed to feed us both in the long term without giving up my safety net or my dream...=S
All this makes it hard to resist the voices which tell me my research is useless and I should give up now anyway. I just want to cry and possibly sleep for a week because I  have had three days off this month and spent one at a funeral.
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« Reply #1354 on: February 27, 2016, 08:05:40 am »

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Flightless Phoenix, trust me. Your research is not useless.

Fight for your life. Defend it as well as your dreams.

I remain yours,
Prof. Cecily
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Arabella Periscope
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« Reply #1355 on: March 01, 2016, 03:28:32 am »



*Eavesdropping from seclusion in a dim Turkish corner*

Hear,hear!

Dear F. P. your doctorate has become a goal with which I and others here await in suspense, cautiously setting aside certain vintage champagnes.  So often depression and anxiety set us back,but usually our own! If you give up your prospect of a doctorate and or your dream of your own home, neither of you will feel motivated,and you might never rise again from the ashes! Keep flying!
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Brian:'Oh yes, I forgot. It's fairly easy, old boy.
Elle a des idees au-dessus de sa gare.'
Kenneth: 'Idiot.  It's not that kind of station.'

Terence Rattigan 'French Without Tears.'
rovingjack
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« Reply #1356 on: March 02, 2016, 09:32:04 am »

Sometimes a small break is a big help, change of scenery and perspective I suppose.

My anxiety is kicking my ass so hard this week. I have so much work to do but the anxiety makes me so unproductive... I'm also freaking out because my boyfriend has been off work for a few days 'feeling down and unmotivated' and I'm petrified. He's had two periods of unemployment of over a year and the last one started exactly this way, eventually he couldn't face work at all and resigned. Last time he had six months of rent saved up and then I worked full time for six, so it was only financially difficult for the last few months. This time we haven't had time to build up any savings and if I want to complete my PhD on time I can't work any more hours (currently 28.5 hours on average per week across 4 jobs) and ideally I need to cut my hours at Christmas and work max. 20 hours a week for the following 2 years... I really want to be supportive- depression sucks but also I don't want to give up on something I have already put 5 years of my life into. I guess we could live the money we saved for a deposit on a house... But then we'd probably never be in a position to save it up again (3/4 is inheritance money of mine or savings my parents put away for me when I was a kid). I don't want to confront him and make him feel worse but I just don't see how I'm supposed to feed us both in the long term without giving up my safety net or my dream...=S
All this makes it hard to resist the voices which tell me my research is useless and I should give up now anyway. I just want to cry and possibly sleep for a week because I  have had three days off this month and spent one at a funeral.

I'm inclined to say, stay on target for your journey. It may seem the romantic thing to think you are responsible for him in some way, but even when we are at our most depressed or anxious we are each responsible for ourselves alone. Just like you cannot make a drunk go sober, they have to want to sober up, likewise you cannot make the broken bits in others psyches right. If he's struggling with burn out have him seek out and talk with somebody. Needing help is not a failure on his part but taking from others to comfort oneself is something decent people don't do.

It's not always intentional but a drowning swimmer can drag down a rescuer in their panic. You can be there for him, without getting pulled down with him. set your course and stick to it, sometimes just that much can inspire others.
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Arabella Periscope
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« Reply #1357 on: March 02, 2016, 08:12:29 pm »



Wise words.
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Rose Inverness
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« Reply #1358 on: March 02, 2016, 08:38:29 pm »



Wise words.

Agreed.

So... I spent the evening with a family member (younger than myself) who I've been trying to behave kindly and compassionately toward. Who this evening mocked me for doing so. I've been feeling sorry for myself, which is not a healthy place for me to be, so I'm back here to edit my previous post and say,

Any who are feel like doing so, join me in having a cup of tea in honor of compassion! And all the good it has done for our hearts, whether we gave it or received it.

Three cheers; ra ra ra!

Now I'm exhausted... what a week. Or set of them. The week-long headache that had finally left came back just now. I'm going to breathe in some dragon-tamer lemon-balm-scented mist and relax.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2016, 05:28:18 am by Rose Inverness » Logged

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« Reply #1359 on: March 03, 2016, 08:11:23 pm »

Finally had my oral surgery this AM. Everything seems fine, even the purple pixies and pink elephants are smiling. I just wish they'd stay out of the whipped cream. It's emabarrassing, I tell you...
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« Reply #1360 on: March 05, 2016, 04:18:45 pm »

*Wanders in, taking a seat by the fire. A sleek black cat jumps up onto her lap and begins to purr as she sighs*
That gut-wrenching, heart-sinking inconsolable pain and rage you feel when a person who lead you to believe you had a snowball's chance in Hell with suddenly becomes unavailable...
I honestly didn't think I cared that much, but the second I sae that he was in a relationship..  It felt like my heart dropped into my stomach and I got the overwhelming feeling like I was going to be sick.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2016, 04:22:08 pm by CorneliaCarton » Logged

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« Reply #1361 on: March 07, 2016, 12:35:48 am »

Thank you all for your kind and wise words.

It's been a difficult couple of weeks, with a few more to come. I'm really overworked at the moment, and added pressure of birthdays, mother's day, friends visiting has really piled up on me so I've been buckling under the pressure. If I can make it to the end of term though, I think things will get better.

The museum goes back to being open for 5 days a week from Easter, so my 22.5 hours would normally get split over the 5 days, meaning I would work 4.5 hour shifts. We are currently down a permanent staff member so I've offered to increase my hours to 30 per week - If management agrees this would give more financial stability and working 6 hour shifts means I can still have a 'lie-in' in the mornings. This should let me build up some savings again and stave off the worst of the panic without sacrificing much time I actually do anything with (I'm not a morning person, in fact I'm usually in a lot of pain for the first couple of hours I'm awake - hence not having a early start is better for me). I'll have 2 days a week to work on my local history projects (6 hours total) and PhD work, plus long evenings (I finish work at 4.30pm). If it's too much - I'll reduce my hours once the new staff are trained up. I think actually I'll be less stressed if I have more time at the museum though because there is always more than I can do at the moment and it plays on my mind!

My other half seems to be turning a corner in a positive direction too because he was really enthusiastic about a recent training day at work. I think he was just overwhelmed by drama for a while - it's a big company and there was a fair bit of chopping and changing in his department from Nov-Jan.

Now I just have to survive teaching, giving a presentation and make it to the end of term!! Then I'll let myself have that 'Why does my research even matter?!' existential crisis.

Thank you all again, so very much.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1362 on: March 08, 2016, 11:03:39 pm »

It's interesting to notice the degree to which sleep and eating patterns can completely derail my emotional stability.

The hardest part of each day is first waking up.

If I ate to little protein to hold me through the night my body goes through the carbs and whatnot in the food I eat and I wake hungry and unable to return to sleep within five to six hours of going to bed. It also leaves me feeling frazzled and stressed for much of the day. If I get less sleep I'm awake longer and need to eat more or I get weak and achey. If I have to disrupt my sleep schedule for an appointment it may not mesh well with when I need to eat my meals. ect ect.

On days I get enough food and rest I feel like I can be functional and I have a sort of light melancholy, a sense of philisophical angst about the human condition in general and the meaning of my own existence in particular. But I'm able to apply purpose to my actions and take a fancy to some parts of the world.

On days I get too little rest, or wake jittery with hunger, or ache from lack of food or sleep for parts of the day; I feel as though all things are great delusions meant to distract us from the complete meaninglessness of everything. That in the terrified depths of all of our minds we know we are unnoteworthy interchangeable expendable components of a machine with no purpose other than to try and keep itself running as long as possible, and completely indifferent to us. That we construct dreams and hopes with false expectations of things that will ultimately give meaning to all we bruise and batter ourselves through, secretly knowing it's smoke and mirrors to get us to toil away the majority of our existence and then once we start to become used up, we are replaced and shuffled off to storage to be ignored and forgotten for as long as it takes for us to die.

And the tragedy of it all is that every one of us is this amazingly powerful being capable of awe inspiring wonders and able to shape whole landscapes and set the courses for entire futures. Caesar, Einstein, Tesla, Socrates... all of them simply humans, like any of the rest of us. Yet we've shackled ourselves, muffled our own roar, squandered our own greatness into a meaninglessness that millions will be born, live and die without ever exercising their own power or creating a single wonder; anonymous and unremarked in death as they were in life.

And those thoughts press down on my tired, weak and alone body when I wake some mornings.

Through effort I can sometimes bring myself through to a point where I have to admit that the reason meaningless drudgery and mortality bother me so, is because life is really the best thing going. The whole of existence is so vast and my cup so small that my cup runneth over, and so take in what I can and work to gradually enlarge my cup in what ways I can.
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Caledonian
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« Reply #1363 on: March 16, 2016, 12:52:12 pm »

-drama that schouldn't be bothering you guys-
« Last Edit: March 16, 2016, 03:05:06 pm by Caledonian » Logged

I actually know basic clockmaking now!
rovingjack
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« Reply #1364 on: March 30, 2016, 06:43:44 am »

I'm feeling like I need to get back into doing something other than being sick, coping with the stress, distracting myself, showing up for appointments and tests, and waiting for the results of tests.

I've been building up materials to start making my youtube videos again. I can do the book/movie/boardgame/product-or-service channel episodes alright for now.

It might take me a little while to get back into the tinkering and crafting channel, and I'd always been planning that that channel would include science and learning aspects too. So I'm playing with the idea of using my sickness as raw materials for how to watch out for quack info, how to be proactive in health managment with your doctor without thinking you know more or being a jerk about being an advocate for yourself. Intersperces with a breakdown of the tests we do and what they mean and what we can learn about how the body works from them. As well as steps you can take to feel like you are doing something toward helping yourself (elimination diets to find food reactions, how to find proper nutrients, the foods that can be used as vitamin sources, exercises to help health and recovery ect) and how to read and understand genetic data, and microbiome related data. Debunk myths. Eventually I'd love to do segments on things like focussed ultrasound medical advances (http://www.fusfoundation.org/diseases-and-conditions/overview), cryonics, and similar stuff where I might be able to talk with people working in those fields. maybe even show how people can take advantage of those things and the processes for contact and whatnot.

But more on target for this little corner of the board I've been thinking about adding videos to the book/move/game channel that are me creating little figurines for representing my little demons and narrating the crafting videos with discussions of those feelings and how to acknowledge them and take control back from them.

It's part of a greater goal in helping myself and viewers confront their anxiety and depression, tap the emotions for creativity and in a productive way, and at the same time I like the idea of the figurines in part because they allow me to then have them as guests alongside me when I make videos about movies and games and books. as a sort of other person to direct my comments to sometimes, so it doesn't seem so much like talking to nobody, but even more important it shows that yes you can still live and create and have a good time and yet have those same feelings and worries lingering in the back of your mind, and that's okay. You can acknowledge that without giving them control and letting them stop you from living.

I might do non-demon related mental health episodes where I talk about exercises and things that can help, or answer questions people have or read advice from other people, trying to create a sense of people helping each other.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1365 on: April 05, 2016, 05:33:40 am »

a figure hobbles in and dejected sprawls in a chair beneath the shelves of books near a fireplace.

The winter came light and late, and has decided to come again after the first shows of spring had made their move. It's snowed here, with some accumulation. and may snow again by the weekend. It's cold and dreary after warmer spring weather.

I'm not sure if it's the cold dampness, spring pollen, a cold of a more microbial sort, or some other factor (like my last remaining food options), but I feel as though I'm working toward some gouty days ahead. I ache a good bit of the day, and sound like puffed rice cereal in milk if I sit too long and then move. Being anemic I of course can't help but sit too long most of the day.

I'd plans to see a movie tonight with an old friend I'd not seen in years, and she rescheduled. I'm not sure I'm disappointed or not. Maybe it would have distracted me from my dragons, or perhaps my dragons would have distracted me from enjoying the time spent with a friend and another movie.

But in the meantime my week has become nothing more than two appointments and being cold, sick and alone. No progress to be made toward feeling better, possible new complications to be coped with as best I can on my own, and another week of a life on hold to be unwell.

I shall pick a book to read. nothing to light and full of laughter and sunshine though, that seems to trite and mocking to me right now, but neither something about struggle and misfortune as the struggles of others embitters me to the process of living. Something thought provoking and creative maybe.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1366 on: April 08, 2016, 08:02:32 am »

Lucky Starr and the oceans of venus was light and entertaining in it's way. Not a big boost for me though. And the communist manifesto would have been more thought provoking for me if I didn't find it so tedious to read through.

It's been rainy and cold here of late, and I once used to look out the windows on such days and get lost in the rain like one can get lost staring into the coals underneath a fire. I seem to have misplaced that ability, and I feel I need to work on that a bit. It feels important to rediscover that sliver of myself. to remember how to be enriched even by gloom and melancholy.

I've an appointment with a GI specialist tomorrow. But after that I will get some materials and work on my new video ideas. I'll likely spend a good bit of this weekend editing videos. and if I'm lucky my friend and I will get together at least, if not to see the movie deadpool then to get together at least.

I think I need to reconnect with her and her mother, I find myself in great supply of shallow friendships that are ephemeral when most needed. But these two are more robust than that. I think it comes from having been broken, you recognize it in others and there is a comradery and a sense of raw openness that results when broken people get together.

(I mean that in the sense of people who have been broken in the past, I'm not implying that any of us qualify as currently breaking, though it may seem so sometimes).
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Rose Inverness
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« Reply #1367 on: April 09, 2016, 03:03:11 am »

Courage to all. I have procured from the local bulls-eye-emblazoned home goods emporium a 'candle' lit by the power of diodes... LED candle, to be less cryptic. I call it my 'courage candle' after what a kind soul several posts ago had mentioned. I think of this forum and the support and camaraderie between us when I light it, and of taking good care of myself. And its perfectly safe for both the house and the cat if I happen to fall asleep.

Anyway, things have been going well. I'd been feeling exceedingly overwhelmed and that has abated for the moment.

For those such as rovingjack who are currently 'under the weather' (har), please do return to health with expediency-- if any influence upon such state you may have.

With kind regards,
Rose
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Arabella Periscope
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« Reply #1368 on: April 10, 2016, 12:39:24 am »

Dear Rose, your steady rising over time is a candle of courage in itself. You are fighting the fear and health and medication and people imbroglios and you can be seen to be breaking free!  For those of us behind the merciful velvet curtains in our niches at the Dragon Tamer's, it is making the black dogs look more like devoted therapy dogs who will make us braver in the end.
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« Reply #1369 on: April 10, 2016, 06:31:27 pm »

Would someone who is grieving and has PTSD be welcome here? :O
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1370 on: April 10, 2016, 07:17:59 pm »

you are welcome here.

I'd say anybody with dragons to tame, but honestly even those that don't have any are welcome. The real qualifier is just that one accept that many here are struggling and need to know they are not alone.
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« Reply #1371 on: April 10, 2016, 09:12:53 pm »

Mme Ratchet, there is a pink velvet deep-buttoned armchair in that niche over there if you wish to relax.  If you like furry pets we have a selection that like to cuddle up to a human, so just name your creature.  There is a selection of hot drinks there, cold one's here.  What would you like?  Some people are having a quiet snooze, others are having a chat.  When you feel relaxed do feel free to explore some of the other spaces that are available to those with a sense of adventure.

Welcome.
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Mme. Ratchet
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« Reply #1372 on: April 10, 2016, 10:11:45 pm »

Oh, alright.

Steps in to the room to a nook overlooking the room, props her rifle up against the wall next to her, and settles in to get her bearings.
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Cora Courcelle
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« Reply #1373 on: April 11, 2016, 09:36:16 pm »

Would someone who is grieving and has PTSD be welcome here? :O

Can I get you a cup of tea?  And cake?
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« Reply #1374 on: April 12, 2016, 08:45:48 am »

Just tea will be fine, madame.
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