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Author Topic: Poem: Airship Flight  (Read 1326 times)
Cassandra Sheffield
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Darwinist or Clanker?


« on: June 24, 2013, 05:25:52 pm »

Critiques welcome.

I feel the crisp, chill wind in my hair,
And laugh in the face of yesterday's despair.
The leaves of yellow, brown, gold and red
Lie far below like the mussed covers on a young child's bed.
Above me the clouds look dour and bleak-
Until the first raindrop spatters against my cheek.
The blessing of an autumn rain
Brings with it a joy I could not feign.

I stand in the bow of my ship, the Skyhorse,
And call out to the helmsman, "Let her follow the wind's course!"
The deck shifts below me, a slow and smooth feel,
Then straightens and settles on an even keel.
A thrill of excitement runs down my spine:
The skies are ours- they're yours and mine.
Raindrops patter against the deck, soft as moth wings,
And I feel the joy that the rain always brings.

I watch the land below passing by,
And in the back of my mind I ask "Why?"
Why does this ship- my freedom and soul-
Play such a large role?
Why does my heart race so when I take to the air?
My only answer I shout with joy- I don't know and don't care!
I go wherever the wind may lead,
And as long as I'm flying, that's all I need.
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It's hard to unwind when people around you insist on stressing you out.

"I'll kill a man in a fair fight. Or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight. Or if he bothers me. Or if there's a woman. Or if I'm gettin' paid. Mostly when I'm gettin' paid." -Jayne Cobb (Firefly)
CPT_J_Percell
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« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2013, 06:09:14 pm »

This forum really needs a [LIKE] button.
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Maets
Immortal
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United States United States

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Airship Builder


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« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2013, 03:11:45 am »

The world needs more poetry.
I liked it.

More?
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Cassandra Sheffield
Gunner
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United States United States


Darwinist or Clanker?


« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2013, 09:25:09 am »

Thank you both for your kind comments. Mr. Maets- I would love to write more, but poetry doesn't always work when I want it to, if that makes sense. (When I write, I'm usually either on fire or at a dead stop, and these don't always correspond with my desired timing. With poetry, this is even more true.)
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Angus A Fitziron
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Research Air Ship R.A.S. 'Saorsa'


« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2013, 10:49:56 am »

Cassandra - thank you for posting, it takes a special kind of courage to let your creativity out for inspection. I really liked the poem and your use of metaphor and simile is very good - like the use of autumn and fall colours to suggest time gone by; a raindrop being a blessing, like an anointing; the 'even keel' of the ship also referencing the new state of mind the writer experiences once aloft...

I think it might be further improved if you look again at the scanning of some of the lines. I have only recently become interested in poetry so I am no expert and have never studied it so please take my comments as someone who is just starting to read and write poetry themselves. Could I suggest that the form of using rhyming couplets goes much better with an even tempo where emphasis is repeated line upon line, like a lot of Victorian poems which would also reinforce the period feel of the poem?

For example, which flows better for you?

I feel the crisp, chill wind in my hair,
And laugh in the face of yesterday's despair.

or

I feel the crisp, chill wind in my hair,
And laugh in the face of passed despair.

It's just a thought and you did ask for critique so I am taking you at your word. If you want to chat more about it I am happy to do so either in open forum or by PM. Please keep it up, you have a great way with words!

ffitz

p.s. I struggled with 'passed' and 'past' - decided not to get hung up on it...  Undecided
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Airship Artificer, part-time romantik and amateur Natural Philosopher

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Cassandra Sheffield
Gunner
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United States United States


Darwinist or Clanker?


« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2013, 06:56:37 am »

Thank you for your critique- and I agree; the rhythm could use a little improvement. The lines don't quite "flow" how I wish they would. (But then, I did write this for my English final exam.)
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Professor Ross
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« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2013, 03:12:00 pm »

Fantastic!
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TheDeeMan
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« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2013, 10:30:36 am »

Nicely done.

Dee
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Dr. Madd
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« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2013, 05:36:52 pm »

I like it. I can nearly see the world below me.
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santiagodunbar
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« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2013, 06:24:41 pm »

Well done! I must say that I have rarely encountered ANY steampunk poetry... this might actually be the first time for me, and I like it! Appealing to the senses made me feel like I was on the deck of the Skyhorse. Have you tried submitting this to a poetry contest, or perhaps there is a collection of steampunk poetry being made into a book?
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May the wind be at your backs,
Santiago Dunbar
Captain, S.S. Beatrix
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