A game of steampunk problem solving...

[Fairley B. Strange]

Don't you mean where do we find a well-funded but not-completely-secured bank?

Then, which plan - tunnelling, rooftop B&E, or in through the front door guns blazing?

[ktara]

Mr. Strange, there's a parcel for you at your local postal office (a brand new set of silver flatware, service for 20...we had a good plunder, the Queen and I!)

You could tunnel using the corrosive sea serpent fluids...that should eat through anything.  Luckily I ate some marmite toast before the sea serpent, or I wouldn't be here now.

Since this bank in question will shortly be burgled, where do you suggest I invest my newly acquired treasure?

[Fairley B. Strange]

Well me old mum did say to be careful about accepting gifts from strangers... but then, there aren't many stranger than meself out there...

Hmmm, are you sure this is the right parcel? It seems to be wriggling... has anybody got a pair of scissors or something?

[Fat Spider]

Under no circumstances should you attempt to open a wriggling parcel yourself, if it's about the size of the female form then forward it on to me, otherwise return to sender.

Now if the said parcel arrives and it does contain said female form, how to get her to cook and clean without being overly sexist.

(I know I've left myself wide open to abuse here

[akumabito]

Diamonds tend to do the trick (see, no sexism whatsoever!)


If you did go down the sexist pig route, what SP cure for a black eye would you recommend?

[Fat Spider]

Aha! Diamonds Sir, an excellent idea, i may be able to pick some up from the aforementioned Bank Heist.

As for your rather blackening eye I seem to recall reading in some highly regarded publication (The Beano) that applying a raw steak to the bruising will help enormously but the biggest problem is.....


How to get the troublesome Filly to get you a raw steak without overcooking it?

[walking stick]

What? you mean you've never blown up a stove?! For shame sir anybody interested in basic destruction should be able to manage that. After you have replaced your stove, hire a manservant to take over cooking and cleaning whilst your young lady applies the raw steak to your eye and the burn cream to your hands.

Perhaps you can help, our bank roof was completely removed by fiendishly clever thieves who also stole much of the banks contents. My bank manager informs me that there is a serious overdraught. I have to say he's right it's cold without a roof, further he will not take purple blunderbuss with matching hunting clothes as collateral. 

[ktara]

Give him a wooly cravat, that should keep him warm due to the overdraught

Mr. Strange's correct parcel has gone missing and I suspect the Pirate Queen of switching the packages.  How do I doublecross her without losing too many vital bodily fluids?

[Fairley B. Strange]

Consult a registered necromatist - have your bodily fluids drained and safely preserved, conduct the skillful transaction with Her Highness while your reanimated corpse is temporarily filled with embalming solution, which if lost is of no great loss, then simply decant back the original afterwards.

Now, is there a code by which I can be assured of the authenticity of Ms Ktara's package..?

[J. Wilhelm]

No codes, but you can check for prints.  If found, these should contain traces of Marmite spread as Ms. Ktara has stated she was eating Marmite toast.

Now the problem is that you are sure to get the fake package anyway.  But you never know if it is of the the explosive kind.  If no marmite prints are found on the package, how do you prepare for such an eventuality?

[Dr cornelius quack]

Employ staff.

Can anyone suggest a reputable 'Minion Agency'?
(I'm running out.)

[J. Wilhelm]

If you don't have an impressment gang, just place an ad. like this one:
http://unscrwed.com/4080/minions-wanted/
I hate agencies, they tend to give me inferior quality minions, plus they promise benefits for employees you know will not last long at the job.

Speaking of impressment gangs.  Does any one know what to do if the impressed new employee dies before he is put into active service?  Is there a government sponsored repository of some kind?  Otherwise what to do I do with the body?

[von Corax]

I fulfill all my needs for extra bodies through Burke & Hare Employment Services and Medical Supplies.

If I acquire someone through B&H Medical that I had previously acquired through B&H Employment, do I have to offer him seniority?

[Nathaniel Flood Harwick]

I supose it would be fair to give them some seniority. Somewhere above the bonesaw but below the iron lung.

Being at my wits end with unreliable and quite frankly fragile minions, I have been developing automaton minions. The problem is they're none too bright. Really no better then 250 kg walking shop clamps at this point. So my question to you fine folks is this... How shall I increase their intelligence from that of a burnt piece of toast to something more useful?

[walking stick]

Burke & Hare Employment Services and Medical Supplies will have some minions minus a limb or two (perhaps three of four) Install them in your robot shells. However keep a spare control system in reserve so that any rebellious minion can be powered down at need.

We have been asked, rather firmly, to help the ladies of La Madame Defarge Ecol De Tricot. We met them whilst seeking suppliers for wool cravats. Their knitting is excellent.

[Fat Spider]

Send the ladies of La Madame Defarge Ecol De Tricot to Bradford, there are plenty of mills where they can find suitable employment, if they're not happy with the Mills there's always the Workhouse

Coming back to a few posts earlier I also designed a workforce of Automatons, the problem is they spend all day winding each other up and get no work done, I considered enslaving children to act as "winders" but the local Temperance Society is against it, they want the kids to attend regular AA meetings, What to do?

[ktara]

Invite the Temperance Society in for an "AA meeting", spike their punch with some rum, and take pictures.  They'll stop their incessant preaching with the threat of blackmail over them.  Then get those kiddies to winding!

I've located the parcel for Mr. Strange, it will be couriered to you directly, and by a reliable courier.  The Pirate Queen must not have known any necromatists, ergo I have some spare body parts and fluids taking up space.  Would anyone want to purchase said parts?  You can pick them up at the docks, I'll be on my new ship

[Fairley B. Strange]

Hmmm, I'm still slightly worried by this parcel. It's almost like that old Trojan saying: "Beware of gifts bearing Greeks".



However, as advised, I tried spiking the punch with rum, and now the tea-totallers are getting rowdy and hefting blunt instruments menacingly.

What does one do with an "Intemperance Society"?

[walking stick]

Let the intemperance society open the parcel. From the results you can then decide what your immediate dangers are.  If both survive provide a good hangover cure and a hearty breakfast.

Our new boss is very dangerous woman, most of us are temporary minions, how do we arrange a non lethal retirement plan.

[von Corax]

You could arrange for Burke & Hare Medical Supplies to "retire" her; I guarantee every single one of you "temporary minions" will survive.

I recently acquired a… erm… "specimen" from Burke & Hare Medical Supplies for use in an experiment; I later discovered the specimen was a "retired" minion I had previously obtained from Burke & Hare Employment Services, and which I had returned to them as "expired." The experiment was a success, and the fellow is once more up on his feet (at least, I think they were originally his feet,) but now he's demanding to rejoin the company Pension Plan without loss of previous contributions, even though he became ineligible to participate when he was originally "terminated." What should I do?

EDIT: Ktara, you too might contact Burke & Hare in regard to your surplus appendages, although they only pay top dollar for the very freshest product.

[walking stick]

Re your former minion:-
Our lawyer points out that it is only out of your generosity that your staff member is included in the current pension plan at all, such policies do not generally include life insurance for the undead.

Re retirement:-
Actually I meant a non lethal for us to safely leave her services. She wouldn't be any slower as a scientific reconstruction. The one in my unit is fast, vicious and known to be building a new friend for himself out of battle salvage.  I used to know some of the contributors

[ktara]

Von Corax:  Thank you, I shall try B&H.  I'm not looking for top dollar, I just want rid of the extra bits.

Walking Stick:  You can all come aboard my ship, some of the Pirate Queen's former crew have relocated...there was a slight kerfuffle between them and the ones loyal to me.  We'd love to have you and yours come adventuring with us

Legal question:  Am I responsible for the pickup bill B&H has served me with?  All they did was dredge around in the harbour after the "kerfuffle".  I never called them about it.

[Madasasteamfish]

According to my legal minions technically no, as they were under no obligation to clean up and did so of their own volition, although refusing to pay the bill may lead to one or two problems due to B&H's tendency to turn loose rabid minions on their debtors.

Now, it seems one of my own minions is slightly hard of hearing and misheard my instructions to 'release the kraken' resulting in my other minions and most of my secret lair (but thankfully not myself) being covered in Kraken *ahem* fluids. What is the best way of cleaning up the 'ick'?

[caramelwhistle]

Bears, very hungry bears, usually they like salmon but with a couple electrodes in the right places I'm sure a calamari type taste preference can be implemented.

How would a upper class lady and 3 parcels cross a choppy river in a boat?  The boat can only hold her and 2 parcels without being unstable resulting in a ruined gown and ultimately sinking.

[Fat Spider]

I'm quite sure the boat would hold the three parcels along with the Ladys gown and undergarments and I'm sure the Lady should be able to swim with the boat in tow, so everything across in one trip.
Of course if you were any sort of Gentleman you would ferry across the parcels yourself (along with her gown and undergarments) and then come back for her

The problem with the latter solution is how to protect the disrobed lady from marauding pirates while your busy with the boat and packages.