Help needed once again with clever (fake) classified ads

[Adml. Etherington]

Looking for crewmen for your airship?
In need of financiers for your 'round the world balloon voyage?
Perhaps you find yourself searching for that "special someone"?
Place a classified in the Anomalous Times special Convention Program edition!

Good evening once again, my friends. The time of AnomalyCon 2012 approaches, and after the delightful suggestions last year, I'd like to again request classified ad type filler for the newspaper-style convention program. Humorous (fake) classifieds, personal ads, limericks, etc... Literary references welcome. no websites, actual names or phone numbers. This is filler material, not actual advertising space.

I'd be happy to mail a copy of the program to anyone whose suggestions I use. If you'd like one, PM me a mailing address after you post your suggestion. If you offered material last year, and would like to see that program, let me know by PM also, I still have some copies left.

This year, there will be a section for actual classified ads as well, the order form for these is on the AnomalyCon website.
http://anomalycon.com/Advertising/Classified

Last year's thread: http://brassgoggles.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,29815.0.html

As with last year, any material posted on this thread will be assumed to be your own original material, and by posting it you give me permission to print it, uncredited, in the 2012 AnomalyCon convention program.

[Professor J. Cogsworthy]

Gentleman Adventurer seeks challenging yet ultimately incompetent nemisis to oppose and do battle against as a means to provide daring stories of his heroic deeds with which to dazzle gentile ladies. References required. Experience preferred. Contact Professor J.P. Cogsworthy via ( can we connect back here for further entertainment value? )


EDITED TO MAKE IT A LITTLE MORE POETIC....

[KABAR2]

Wanted: Lab assistant reading & writing a must! No more of guessing weather it’s Abby Normal or abnormal……….. will train as to duties. Inquire at east gate Castle Frankenstein 101 Castle Drive East, Transylvania 2332…
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Wanted: Electrician with experience in High voltage physics and capturing lightning. duties will be in repair and maintance of existing equipment, Inquire at east gate Castle Frankenstein 101 Castle Drive East, Transylvania 2332…
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.
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Wanted: discrete cadaver delivery, reasonable remittance paid, night delivery preferred,
contact Dr. F.Stein, Deliveries south gate Castle Frankenstein 101 Castle Drive East, Transylvania 2332…

[Prof Ainsworth Halfmain]

Wanted: Horse Cart and Driver to remove heavy rock from laboratory research site. Must be sober, safe and conscientious. Apply at site. ~M. Pierre Curie.

[MWBailey]

ATTENTION! Captain of dimensionally-mobile airship seeks tall, dark-haired older gentleman, name of Brantley, with light-but-sticky fingers, and of cross-timing and tentacular persuasions. Please, sir, if you will, RETURN MY SIDESLIP SPANNER. Your quick reply shall ensure that I do not choose to pursue with intent to chastise.

[Mr. Boltneck]

To the man or woman (certainly no gentleman or lady) who stole my Cavorite:
Be aware that I will find you. Oh yes I shall. And when that happens, I shall let you keep a bit of the Cavorite, whether you want to do so or not, and dispatch you to fly with the Aerial Kraken.

[VampirateMace]

Wanted: discrete cadaver delivery, reasonable remittance paid, night delivery preferred,
contact Dr. F.Stein, Deliveries south gate Castle Frankenstein 101 Castle Drive East, Transylvania 2332…

In the interest of discretion, that should probably have read:

Wanted: Burker, reasonable remittance paid, night delivery preferred,
contact Dr. F.Stein, Deliveries south gate Castle Frankenstein 101 Castle Drive East, Transylvania 2332…
___

Wanted: Minions
Must be able to take orders without question or wont of explanation. Scientific experience and/or the ability to aim a weapon preferred. Please find secret entrance behind the S & N Airship Hanger, and announce yourself by knocking three times. Don’t knock four times, there’s a glitch in the security system.

[oldskoolpunk]

Wanted: discrete cadaver delivery

No, no, it's "discreet".

[oldskoolpunk]

One assumes that you have read the ads Kipling attached to "With the Night Mail". That is perhaps the best collection of fake ads of all time.

[Fairley B. Strange]

For sale: Flammable illuminants and manually-operated hay-lifting apparatus. Mob-sized quantity. will not separate. Enquire .....

[Uncle Arthur]

Lost near the Old Bailey one hammer (silver). If found please return to one Maxwell Edison , Boradmoor Hospital,  Ward 6

[von Corax]

Help Wanted. The Leverkusen Institute of Paleocybernetics requires laboratory assistants, works hands, field workers and general labourers. No experience necessary; must be physically fit, of good stock and able to take direction. Unattached individuals preferred. Positions opening daily. Apply to Wm. Burke Placement Services, The Deforested City.
Call for Tenders. The Leverkusen Institute of Paleocybernetics requires the services of a waste removal contractor. The successful applicant will have experience with the handling and containment of volatile biological materials. Absolute discretion required. Please tender all contract bids through Wm. Burke Services Brokerage, The Deforested City.
(EDIT: I've changed the names of the agencies to something I dislike less. Better ideas are welcomed.)

[Captain Lyerly]

Professional Officer and Soldier of Fortune, experienced in all aspects of modern warfare and preparations thereto, seeks appropriate position, commensurate with experience.  Fluent in Logistics, Dirigible Aerial Assaults, Automaton Cavalry Maneuvers, Mechanical Infantry, Steam Artillery, &c.  References supplied from surviving prior employers on request.  Contact at the Mile High Club, London until the 27th inst.; after that date, ICO Count Spork, Spork House, Buda Pest.  Captain (Field Marshal) Sir Charles A. Lyerly, O.B.T.



==========

How's that?


Cheers!

Chas.

[neon_suntan]

Beaconsfield-Ryon Academy for Scholastic Specialism or B.R.A.S.S.
In addition to the normal education befitting young people, all B.R.A.S.S. students receive tutoring in the following:-

• Zeppelin Construction - Theory and Practice
• General Goggling
• Aerial Trigonometry
• Aetheric Calculus
• Fencing - to Olympic Standard
• General Marksmanship
• Applied Apparatus design
• Courting Etiquette

Second Year students have the opportunity to specialise in two of the following:-

• Ray-Gun implementation
• Advanced Goggling
• Advanced Corsetry
• Steam Cannon Construction
• Practical Stiletto Usage
• Advanced Courting Techniques
• Japanese Wrestling or "Jiu Jitsu" - new this semester with Mr. Kimura

Final Year options are normally agreed with Personal Tutors but recent qualifications attained have included:-

Mad Scientist
Crazed Aviatrix
Wayward Pilot
Gentleman Caller
Dandy Adventurer*
Lady Explorer*

*requires an extra six-month secondment to Ramzans Sabre Academy in Delhi

The Academy was established in the desecrated Convent of the Sisters of Pulchritude and refurbishments were completed in 1889 to the highest standard.

Facilities include:

• Gymnasium
• Male and Female Turkish Baths
• Running track
• Zeppelin Hangar

Sports (available to both men and women):

• General Athletics
• Fell Running
• Soccer
• Rugby
• American Football
• Rounders

Other activities include:

• Masque Ball
• Halloween Ball
• Yuletide Ball
• Valentine Ball

Details of fees, bursaries, scholarships, accommodation arrangements, Aether insurance rates and Goggle Hire are available on request.

[neon_suntan]

RUDD's FINISHING SCHOOL
for Scarlet Women, Painted Ladies, Cads, and Bounders!

Gentlemen! Do you have an illegitimate and wayward son or daughter?
Ladies, are your second and third children 'getting under your feet'?

These sorts of young adults need instruction in the way the world REALLY works

Fortunately the Rudd Finishing School can help!

Established in 1808 under the patronage of King James III, The Rudd School is managed, run and solely owned by 'Lady' Emmeline Rudd. Our forthright curriculum is dedicated to equipping these 'difficult' over-grown children with useful skills, once their 12 month course is completed.

Cad's, Bounders and Rakes will acquire the following skill-set:

• Gem-theft - using the patented 'Raffles' method
• Brawling
• Billiards / Pool / Snooker
• Cards - Poker (honest and 'professional'), Bridge, and Pontoon
• Backgammon - To Win, to humble and to cheat
• Cocktails for the louche

Scarlet Women, Painted Ladies and Mistresses will learn

• Eye Flashing - to Parisian Boudoir level
• Make Up - an intensive course covering Demure, Wooing, Seduction and Scorn
• Derringer - All Nineteen hiding places
• Poisons - New and Old
• Bustles - for the new seductress!

While the fees for this course are very substantial, your wayward child will soon forget their old life of petty theft and trivial friendship and be well on their way to becoming a scandalous person, never away from the headlines - thus allowing the careful parent to dine out on the exploits of their child for the rest of their life.

All communications and fee advancements should be sent to:-

'Lady' Rudd
Kitty O'Shea House
Nelson Road
Dulwich

[Uncle Arthur]

RUDD's FINISHING SCHOOL
for Scarlet Women, Painted Ladies, Cads, and Bounders!

Gentlemen! Do you have an illegitimate and wayward son or daughter?
Ladies, are your second and third children 'getting under your feet'?

These sorts of young adults need instruction in the way the world REALLY works

Fortunately the Rudd Finishing School can help!

Established in 1808 under the patronage of King James III, The Rudd School is managed, run and solely owned by 'Lady' Emmeline Rudd. Our forthright curriculum is dedicated to equipping these 'difficult' over-grown children with useful skills, once their 12 month course is completed.

I SAY!! I think I shall apply!

Cad's, Bounders and Rakes will acquire the following skill-set:

• Gem-theft - using the patented 'Raffles' method
• Brawling
• Billiards / Pool / Snooker
• Cards - Poker (honest and 'professional'), Bridge, and Pontoon
• Backgammon - To Win, to humble and to cheat
• Cocktails for the louche

Scarlet Women, Painted Ladies and Mistresses will learn

• Eye Flashing - to Parisian Boudoir level
• Make Up - an intensive course covering Demure, Wooing, Seduction and Scorn
• Derringer - All Nineteen hiding places
• Poisons - New and Old
• Bustles - for the new seductress!

While the fees for this course are very substantial, your wayward child will soon forget their old life of petty theft and trivial friendship and be well on their way to becoming a scandalous person, never away from the headlines - thus allowing the careful parent to dine out on the exploits of their child for the rest of their life.

All communications and fee advancements should be sent to:-

'Lady' Rudd
Kitty O'Shea House
Nelson Road
Dulwich

[Uncle Arthur]

Wanted: Discrete evening companion for quite times in the city.  Apply J. T. Ripper Whitechapel. 

[MWBailey]

ATTENTION: Texian Airship Captain with felonious tendency toward meddling with time and causality: I have your spanner, and you cannot have it back unless you desist in trying to steal Generalissimo De Santa Anna's smallclothes, especially in the general chronogeographical vicinity of The Alamo at Bexar, Province of Texas, Republic of Mexico Circa February 23, 1836.
YHS, Officer M.W.Brantley, A.U.N.T.S.A.L.L.Y.

[GarethG]

Wanted: Fast transport for two adults and two automaton. Discretion preferred. Ask for O-W. Kenobi at the Cantina, Mos Eisley.

Gareth

[pakled]

Knocked this out a coupla years ago, so it's likely ineligible. But what the hey...
Apologies - deleted the account. Never mind, carry on.

[Dr cornelius quack]

Wanted.

Large quantity of putrid, rotting fish heads......

..Oh?...Er?... Sorry!!....Meant to say 'Not wanted.'

[Uncle Arthur]

Dr Quack. Get the fish heads and sell them to someone making fish sauce.

[Mercury Wells]

IMPORTANT NOTICE to owner of Castle Frankenstein 101 Castle Drive East, Transylvania 2332.

We have tried to gain access to read your meter more than once, but unfortunatly we no option but to cut you off for non-payment with-in the next 7 (seven) working days. To avoid the embarassment of being cut-off, please call 555-555-555, to arrange payment. Thank you.

[The Squire]

One assumes that you have read the ads Kipling attached to "With the Night Mail". That is perhaps the best collection of fake ads of all time.

Thanks for that link, oldskoolpunk...brilliant!

[Dr von Zarkov]

... especially in the general chronogeographical vicinity of The Alamo at Bexar, Province of Texas, ...

Who else on this forum can correctly pronounce "Bexar" or "Refugio"?