Steampunk Dating

[D.Oakes]

...The creepy part, I'd disagree with.  There is a fine line between creepy and mysterious.  For instance this one guy who has been coming into the bar a lot.  He is definitely the full embodiment of a creepy a**hole.  Luckily there was an off duty bouncer there the other night who did a good job of getting him to leave or there may have been trouble.  Prior to that he tried to pick a fight with me because needless to say the girl he was creeping on turned to the mysterious one for protection...  I stood my ground like the tough a**hole I am.     I made sure she got home okay, but didn't take advantage of the situation because though I am an a**hole, I do have morals. 

[walkthebassline]

Yeah, being an a**hole is not, by itself, a bad thing. I know lots of them and I can be one myself, and sometimes its just what is called for. But adding creepy into the mix is just bad. I.E., Edward Cullen from Twilight.

[Prof. Michael Masters]

...The creepy part, I'd disagree with.  There is a fine line between creepy and mysterious.  For instance this one guy who has been coming into the bar a lot.  He is definitely the full embodiment of a creepy a**hole.  Luckily there was an off duty bouncer there the other night who did a good job of getting him to leave or there may have been trouble.  Prior to that he tried to pick a fight with me because needless to say the girl he was creeping on turned to the mysterious one for protection...  I stood my ground like the tough a**hole I am.     I made sure she got home okay, but didn't take advantage of the situation because though I am an a**hole, I do have morals. 

I salute you good sir! You have proved that it is possible to be the mysterious Gentleman a**hole.

Personally I have the gentleman part down pat but no luck with the ladies... maybe I need to add a little a** hole into the mix.

[Vagabond GentleMan]

Being an a**hole often comes off as being 'powerful'.  Disdaining social conventions and the feelings of others (especially other males) is a VERY commonly identified 'dominance display'.
And, as men typically objectify women in terms of sex, women generally objectify men in terms of power...which granted, is more ambiguous, as power can be defined economically, physically, in terms of status, rank, etc.

Chicks dig a**holes.  I reckon it's demonstrably true...everyone has a "that guy is such a d*ck, why do all the ladies flock to him?" story or five...

[VampirateMace]

O-kay... just going to jump in here and point out, that I am in fact looking for a guy who is not an a-hole.

[D.Oakes]

O-kay... just going to jump in here and point out, that I am in fact looking for a guy who is not an a-hole.

Incredible, there is such a creature out there?  May we study you?   

[rhylla]

always found the feeling that that he  could be ... but chooses not to be rather attractive

-Rhylla-

[psn1der]

O-kay... just going to jump in here and point out, that I am in fact looking for a guy who is not an a-hole.

I second the motion.

[Semper Victoria]

always found the feeling that that he  could be ... but chooses not to be rather attractive

-Rhylla-

Your username gives me hope that you are a fellow Anne fan....

"I wouldn't want to marry anybody who was wicked, but I think I'd like it if he could be wicked and wouldn't."

It is the female paradox - we find the badboys sexually attractive because the powerful vibes make us want to have powerful babies - yet we want our mates to be anything but badboys, perhaps just to play at being one from time to time but under careful supervision  .

[The Mysterious Mr Murphy]

I've always found the badboy/asshole conundrum irritating, having seen it in action.

I've spent my several decades on the planet being treated as either a surrogate daddy figure, protector or problem fixer. After which the girls go chase assholes again because they feel sexy and dangerous.


As explained to a female friend (who at one time was married to a servicemember) prior military types (since some of the hippies I work with think we're "dangerous") are the calmest, most organized nice guys on the planet, typically gentlemen.

And when the correct rules of engagement release parameters have been met, we are more dangerous "for real" than any of the bad-boy types ever will be.

I give her warm fuzzies just being around, and if she wasn't already engaged, she'd probably be chasing me.

Unfortunately, most single ladies seem to be of the first type.  Men can be total gentlemen, yet quite lethal..... you don't have to act like a total ass just to be 'tough'.

The majority of the Special Operations community are the most laid back guys you'll ever meet. They don't need to brag or advertise. They simply are.

[rhylla]

always found the feeling that that he  could be ... but chooses not to be rather attractive

-Rhylla-

Your username gives me hope that you are a fellow Anne fan....

"I wouldn't want to marry anybody who was wicked, but I think I'd like it if he could be wicked and wouldn't."

I am in deed but my user name wasn't consciously chosen because of my love of the books hehe. but I agree with your point, a powerful personality is pretty cool in certain circumstances
-Rhylla-

[SteamBlast Mary]

The single biggest putting-off factor? The feeling that a guy is trying it on, not because he wants to date me, but because he wants to date* someone and thinks he may have a chance with me. (The perils of being a Plain Jane my whole life, certain types think I should be grateful for any attention at all.)

*"date" being a euphemism for something briefer, usually.

They don't need to brag or advertise. They simply are.

Damn right, the ones who feel they don't have anything to prove, they set their own rules and standards and don't give a fig about about anyone else's opinion of them. THAT'S a quality I admire.

[VampirateMace]

O-kay... just going to jump in here and point out, that I am in fact looking for a guy who is not an a-hole.

Incredible, there is such a creature out there?  May we study you?   

Hmm... should I be skeptical of what the word study means here? 

[Sir A Poiselamppe]

...ah yes the "nice guys finish last" scenario... I feel somehow, that I am therefore condemned to the single life.... 

[Evelyn Adler]

O-kay... just going to jump in here and point out, that I am in fact looking for a guy who is not an a-hole.

Incredible, there is such a creature out there?  May we study you?   

Hmm... should I be skeptical of what the word study means here? 

Knowing these guys, it probably means something with your brain ending up in a jar, so: yes!

[Evelyn Adler]

...ah yes the "nice guys finish last" scenario... I feel somehow, that I am therefore condemned to the single life....  

Don't give up!  
There are lots of women out there, who had their fair share of a**holes (and then some) and are happy to meet a nice guy for a change.

[psn1der]

I agree with Evelyn. I didn't pick well as a young girl, but have learned from my mistakes and value nice and humor above just about everything else. 

[D.Oakes]

Just had to help with a break up today...I'm the friend that my female friends come to when they need help with dirty work.  I think what has caused me to consider myself an a**hole is that too many closet a**holes have learned how to play the nice guy.  Needless to say there are a lot of people with trust issues as a result of that.  It's like everything these days, dishonesty is everywhere.  I'd rather put my worst foot forward than to hide it away only for it to emerge unexpectedly. 

[Vagabond GentleMan]

When poled (which would necessitate honesty, and the stats probably don't show it), somewhere between 45-55% of women admit to having cheated at least once (compared to men, 50-60%).
WHEN women cheat, the typical strategy is to maintain one long-term Partner chosen for his ability to both emotionally and economically support the female's potential offspring (we're talking biological imperative, not what the parties RATIONALLY want, to prevent all the 'nuh-uh, not me' stuff as much as possible), and a shorter-term partner chosen for, essentially, his genetic material...for Power Babies.

So there you go.  As was mentioned before, there's a desire for surrogate-daddy protector/provider conflicting with desire for badboy.  
And although yes, such a combination in a single Male is in theory possible...it's bloody unlikely.  Dominance Displays, those which are constantly and necessarily enacted to maintain a REAL Alpha position amongst men, are NOT pretty.  Bad boys aren't nice guys,  Nice guys who act bad are fakes.

To be honest, the Egalitarian in me kinda wants to make the metaphor between "sensitive, emotionally in-touch badboy" desire in women
and the "skinny-with-big-breasts nigh-impossible Beauty Myth" desire in men; i.e. impossible expectations that virtually everyone with fail to meet, that ultimately do harm to all involved.

As to the spot above about ex-military...I gotta shake my head.  I live in DC.  Pentagon City, folks.  Military all OVER the place.  And I don't fix to make any broad-generalizations about military men OR ex-military men, BOTH of which are all over the place round here.  I have REAL close, REAL good military AND ex-military friends, and for each of them, there's a military or ex-military JACKASS I've met whom I'd keep at arm's length, preferably that arm forcible lengthened and having a fist balled up at the end.

Cuz military men are just like everyone else.  Human Beings.  With the full spectrum of personalities and characteristics.

[D.Oakes]

So there you go.  As was mentioned before, there's a desire for surrogate-daddy protector/provider conflicting with desire for badboy.  
And although yes, such a combination in a single Male is in theory possible...it's bloody unlikely.  Dominance Displays, those which are constantly and necessarily enacted to maintain a REAL Alpha position amongst men, are NOT pretty.  Bad boys aren't nice guys,  Nice guys who act bad are fakes.

I hate to say it, but I have met a few who are the perfect mix and aren't fake.  In fact most of the "tough guys" who I consider to be good friends, are actually the kind who will not hesitate to wreck somebody's day, but in truth with women and their friends are teddy bears.  They just have the appearance of Kodiaks....  In fact the one became one of my best friends after I took him down.  We still talk about it, because there I was this scrawny twarp and he underestimated my knowledge.  (plus he insulted a woman too many and I had to remind him of courtesy  )

[D.Oakes]

In the wild, scientists have actually been finding that the original theories of "toughest" are actually not entirely accurate.  Many alphas of various species of higher organisms are actually turning out to be the more intelligent of the group and not the largest/strongest.  Considering my great-grandfather was one of twenty-six and I graduated with a high GPA...the odds are in my favor.  In fact, I've been having strange cases of unexpected, "could you lead this?" or "hello!  *wink*" lately.  I guess the omega (lowest level of a wolf pack who gets picked on a lot) I was in high school prepared me for the adulthood of an alpha.     No, but really, I'm a nice guy.

[psn1der]

Question for the gentlemen:

What is your way of getting a lady's attention?  What is your 'go to' or the scenario you are most comfortable with when wanting to meet a lady?

Just curious.

[walkthebassline]

I tend to be a wallflower in real life; if I meet a girl out and about in public I'll smile and maybe say hi, but I'm more comfortable getting to know a girl as a friend first and then something more later. Unfortunately my social interaction outside of the internet is limited these days.

[D.Oakes]

Question for the gentlemen:

What is your way of getting a lady's attention?  What is your 'go to' or the scenario you are most comfortable with when wanting to meet a lady?

Just curious.

To be honest, the ones I used to use, never worked, realized it freshman year of college.  What I found actually works is to just be myself and if I'm alone in a bar, keep to myself.  For some reason just being me is enough to get attention.  I think the fact that a pretty girl walks into a bar and every guy is after her and there is one guy who is not and is completely alone, is more of a stand out.  Unless I'm in a really depressed state, I am naturally confident.  Once communication has started, I usually am polite, funny, etc.  In fact every girl I've dated has said I'm funny, but in all honesty, I don't know how. 

[Vagabond GentleMan]

Question for the gentlemen:

What is your way of getting a lady's attention?  What is your 'go to' or the scenario you are most comfortable with when wanting to meet a lady?

Just curious.

This is a great question.  A GREAT question.

I feel a kindredship with Oakes...I was a Pariah in my youth...but when I came into my own, I found myself actually quite successful on the "meat market" as it were.

I've used many strategies to varying success...but I suppose the question is whether one is seeking the attention of "A Quality Lady" or "That PARTICULAR Quality Lady", and what a Gentleman is looking for IN a Lady.

If looking for "A Lady" it's generally about numbers...first step would be to adopt Peacock Strategy, i.e. look like a Gentleman who a Quality Lady would LIKE to talk to.  Keep yourself in good shape, look after your grooming, dress well, behave and speak with confidence and eloquence, etc.
Just doing this is often enough to attract Ladies to a Gent.
Odds of meeting one you're interested in is increased substantially by just engaging everyone in conversation and politely flirting as much as possible.  As long as it's genuine...no games, no playing.
Odds of meeting one you're interested in is also substantially increased if you're engaging in social activities where some common interest is shared communally.  If you like accordion music, go take some group accordion classes.  If you like ballroom dancing, go to open-floor ballroom dance meet-ups.  If you like high fashion, go to a fashion show.

It's been Sociologically postulated that there are essentially three factors to 'falling in love'.  One is physical attraction.  That one is at the whim of the Gods.  One is proximity.  You probably actually need to be around them some.  The third 'things in common'.  This is the only one that you can actually use to increase your odds.

If a PARTICULAR lady is the object of affection, it's proven often best to be *introduced* to her rather than introducing yourself.  There's nothing inherently wrong with introducing yourself, but it can be interpreted as 'having an agenda'...i.e. even if the INTEREST is genuine, it can be INTERPRETED as a necessarily sexual advance, and that's generally unappreciated.
If *introduced* however (as Victorian as that is) it lends some degree of validation, i.e. "This guys has gotten the 'ok' from my friend, coworker, whatever, so he's probably not total scum".
Then, yeah, just be yourself.  If she's interested? Bene.  If not, PLEASE move on.  Obsessiveness is creepy at best, hurts everyone at worst.

And never, ever, adopt the Vulture Strategy.  You know those guys, circling ladies at the end of a club-night, and the end of a party, looking for that tipsy girl who's inhibitions are too low, or that dude who's waiting for a lady to break up up with her current beau to snatch the rebound, etc.  If you're that guy, punch yourself in the face, you're scum.  No one likes a bottom-feeder.