The Not So Secret Society

[Cubinoid]

A groan is heard.

*Sitting up slowly, rubbing eyes...and on spotting the dashed crockery*

"NO!!!! Not the teapot!!!"

*Stands shakily
"NOOOOO -
*Pulls gattling style crossbow out of back pocket and runs (in cinematic slowmotion) towards the direction of gun fire, loosing arrows with deadly accuracy towards the direction of gunfire...one body falls from the rooftop opposite, another from an archway, and a third from behind a conveniently situated meat wagon. Pulling two throwing knives out of the waistcoat pocket and throwing them into a dark alleyway, rewarded with a satisfying Thunk, Thunk of two more bodies.

"--OOOOOO!!!!!"

*Looks around

"Is there another teapot?"

[walkthebassline]

*sticks head out of cupboard*

Found one! The china patterns don't quite match but it is quite lovely.

[bassspine]

Ah! Excellent, my bone china rifle has unfortunately lost it's ipse-olic sighting apparatus, if I just strap that teapot on instead I can peer down the spout and fire round corners....

<BANG, tinkle.....plink>

Dash it!

[Evelyn Adler]

Evelyn has watched Sir Cubinoids performance with her blue eyes like saucers. Now she starts clapping her hands together excitedly.

"Splendid! So impressive, how you took care of the situation, Sir!
And a new teapot is found too! That's the emergencies covered then!"

She prattles on incessantly while picking up the "sugarcubes", the clockwork Private had spilled again in his fall, with the silver tongs.

"Do you think, the assassination attempts are over now? Should we restart the automaton or do we disable him permanently? And where is the real Private Weasel? Does someone here know about triage and could tend to the wounded? And where is that secret kitchen cupboard that holds the tea?"

[walkthebassline]

*kicks the side of the phonograph; a drawer pops open*

The tea is kept here. As for triage, I must decline. My form of triage is a bit...unhelpful. Speaking of which, lets put this away.

*holsters revolver*

Now, may I find a tea for you?

[Evelyn Adler]

"Tea would be lovely, thank you very much. I'll take these poisoncubes down to the nonexisting lab to analyze them later. We still need an answer to the question if it was cyanide, iocane or something else entirely."

At the door she stops and turns around again.

"Oh and I believe someone is bleeding behind the sofa."

[Private Weasel]

"Hello! I'm to understand that you're not having a secret society here!" announces a young man walking though the door, he red uniform resplendent, his pith helmet held proudly under one arm.

"I though perhaps I could join. Or not join, or whatever I need to do to get a lovely cup of.... hmm..."

He pauses looking at the scene of mild destruction before him, his eyes resting on a fall soldier.

"I say, I seem to be laid out on the floor with several bullet holes in me and what I can only describe as gubbins spewing out the holes. Now I'd be lying if I said it was the strangest thing I've seen all day, but it's certainly in the top 2."

Picking up a displace tea up and placing two cubes of what probably isn't sugar on the side of the saucer he considers his options.

"Anybody care to explain? My money is on an elaborate practical joke"

"That or time travel"

[Cubinoid]

"Tea will have to wait - if you want to help, please walk this way".

*Heads outwards into the sunlight, blinking nervously and collecting the bodies - dragging them back inside one by one and laying them out like so many fish fingers on a grillpan.

"Wait a minute...these are ALL automatons too! What the devil is going on?"

[walkthebassline]

*steps outside and looks down the street*

I say, I would have sworn that police box wasn't there when I walked in.

*a strange whooshing sound is heard and the box disappears*

Well now. Isn't that interesting.

[Nikola Tesla]

*wanders in well-dressed; however his overcoat fits oddly, and his complexion is its typical greyish*

I say...I was given to understand that those seeking nothing at all and other such great nonsecrets could apply here...this being a Notsecret Society I would obviously be, erm, non-degree seeking...and I appear to already have a Nonring of Nonmebership...*pulls out a Nonring on a leather thong around his neck*...which I unfortunately cannot wear on the proper finger due to my stiffness problem.  Which problem, I feel compelled to mention, happened the last time I saw the Nonvanishing Nonpolice Box that was just out there on this unmarked street.  Should you wish it, I will not offer my Noncelebrity Nonendorsement, being as how, despite my moniker, I am not a celebrity.  Hence your Nonsecrets are perfectly safe even if I regularly attend your Nonmeetings which, I am given to understand, happen openly in broad daylight.  Fear not, all, I am quite up to date on recent happenings, due to your habit of posting your Nonmeeting minutes and other Nonnews on the bulletin board out front.  Very helpful, that.

*aside* ...No, Mike, I am NOT speaking Igpay Atinlay.  Cut the snickering!  And no, you can't hang my coat.  Go back to the car.

By the way, don't worry about Mike.  The worst he does lately is cackle when I am forced to include the words "fear not" in every introduction.  If he bothers you, threaten to tell me, I usually punish him by sending him to that domed city where everyone has crystals in their hands and no one is allowed to live past 30...he hates that.  Something about starvation diets and Inter-Universal Conventions on the Rights of Time-Liberated Creatures...

I neglected to bring an introductory tipple, my apologies...I couldn't tell whether all this Nonstuff meant people would prefer non-alcoholic.  *Looks around*  Somehow I doubt it.  I'll gladly remedy that error on my next Nonvisit.

However, if there is tea or coffee present, I'll have some next time a fresh pot is ready...however...I hesitate to pry into this delicate matter...surely there is something besides...*horrified whisper*...decaf?! 

[psn1der]

Humphhhh...*wakes from drugged sleep*...where am I and who are all of you? 

[Evelyn Adler]

Evelyn comes back into the room, looking quite pleased.

"I took the false sugarcubes to the nonexisting lab; Igor is working on them, as we speak. We have already established, that they are really bad for your health however - so if anyone finds a stray sugarcube on the carpet, I strongly advise to dispose of it and NOT in anyone's tea if you please!"

She smiles, taking in the new arrivals and then notices the young Gentleman in the red uniform. Her eyes grow large with surprise as she looks from him to the prone figure on the floor.

"Oh!"

With that, Evelyn faints.

[Private Weasel]

The newly arrived Private Weasel makes a valiant effort to catch Ms Adler, but as he is on the over side of the room, all he succeeds in doing is falling over his clockwork doppelganger and crashing over the remains of the table that broke the metal military man’s initial fall.

Helping himself up and dusting himself off he looks around the assembled as he approaches the prone lady.

“Do we have a doctor in the house?” He asks, a worried expression playing across his face, “I feel that whoever this young lady is, my arrival as caused her to faint for some reason.”

[walkthebassline]

*pulls out smelling salts, walks over to Ms. Adler, and passes them under her nose*

These may help. It appears, sir, that someone has made a doppelganger of you. Would you have a clue as to why?

[Angus A Fitziron]

"Oh my head"

*looks over the top of the settee

"bugger me there are two of the blighters!"

"Oh apologies, forgot there was a lady in the house - there is a lady isn't there or was that my imagination?"

"Did I hear someone call for a doctor? I seem to have been wounded but a bit of sticking plaster should do it - is there a first aid kit anywhere in this rather strange place?"

*wanders out from behind sofa, still dazed, almost trips over Ms Adler

"I see she is still here - well at least someone has found smelling salts - she seems to have fainted"

*looks at Private Weasel

"Yes, are you aware that there is an automaton masquerading as you? In fact there seem to be quite a few, including one that appears to be programmed as a postm..."

*ducks and does a quick scan of the room for potential assassins.

[Evelyn Adler]

Evelyn coughs, opens her eyes and looks around drowsily. Noticing the concerned looks of the three Gentlemen, she blushes heavily.

"Oh my! It seems the excitement was a bit too much in the end!"

Gingerly she touches the back of her head, where it bumped on the floor, winces for a second and then forces a brave smile.
"Don't worry, I'm fine! Thank you so much for your help!"

And looking at Private Weasel she adds "You are real this time, are you?"

[Private Weasel]

“I assume so Miss but I suppose I wouldn’t know if I was or wasn’t really” he admitted thoughtfully, “the gentlemen are welcome to check if you turn your back miss”

This is obviously a more complex model as the Private is definitely blushing. Turning to Mr Fitziron , he continues:

"I'm sorry your Lordship, no.  I'm really of no consequence, just a Private in the fifth battalion, assigned to the military advisor Doctor Charles Denholm.”

The Private looks thoughtful for a second before continuing

“Now, Doctor Denholm is a genius scientist, but he’s a chemist, not an engineer and I seem decidedly clockwork from here”

[Angus A Fitziron]

"Well let's try and work out what we do know then. It all started for me when I tracked a rogue automaton I have been working on to these not so secret premises. It tried to deliver a parcel but I actually think now that it was trying to confirm the location of the Not So Secret Society and that the parcel of keys was just a ruse - I mean there were keys in the package but we don't know if they fit the Lock Ness or not.

Then, once having located the correct premises by the expedient of asking a few leading questions, we have been inundated with assassin automatons, so we have to assume that they are acting in league and that whoever is actually behind them is still a threat"

"My own automaton, the, er, parcel delivery clone of me, was perfectly alright until I had a visit from a representative of a rather secret wing of Her Majesty's armed forces, who now I think about it was accompanied by a military doctor. Shortly after that the machine started behaving eratically, particularly in terms of context, as I explained with 'late' deliveries becoming an instruction to murder the addressee of the mail."

"Anything else we know?"

[walkthebassline]

"Aye, we know that someone is also making automatons of the Private here. But we don't yet know how dangerous or malicious they might be."

[Evelyn Adler]

Evelyn helps herself up, dusts herself off and then takes a few rather wonky steps towards the sofa and sits down gingerly. Listening very intently to Mr. Fitzirons recapitulation, she unconciously chews her lower lip in concentration.

"So you're saying, someone sent an army of automatons to shoot or poison us? I wonder if we have offended someone with our not existing society? And what's this about a police box and a Doctor?"

Taking in the damage in the room, she adds

"They could at least have sent a clockwork butler with the assassins, to take care of the damage! Will you look at that?!

And did someone make some tea in the meantime?"

[Private Weasel]

"I could make tea, if it's useful" says the Private, "but I suspect I might be more useful with a dustpan and brush"

He matches off to what instinctively he assumes is the kitchen.

"In here is it?"

[walkthebassline]

No, that's the conservatory. You want the second hallway, fourth door down, right next to the mortuary.

[Mercury Wells]

*Rushes back into the room* "I say!, some bounder has stolen my model of a Chrono Traveling Device (well, when I say a CTD (TM), I mean it's just a plot device for a novel I have in mind)  and removed the preserved poly-chromatic lizard from the portable Babbage interface. Now I wonder who did that"?

[Nikola Tesla]

If you've no butler I can call Mike back in to clean up the mess.  He regularly performs such duties around my home and he's...very fast.  You might have to turn your backs for a moment however.  I fed him before we came, I can guarantee he won't steal anyone anything.

Another army of automatons?  Having had trouble with these armies of clones and duplicates of various sorts in the past, they're rather a pet peeve...it seems that every time I come by these parts there's some sort of trouble like that going on...

Stolen parts from a time travel device...hm...I do have some contacts within the Temporal Constabulary...would you like me to call in a favor or two?  I'd have done so as soon as you mentioned the missing lizard, but I've learned from experience that one keeps one's friends better if one asks before summoning them...is there any reason you would object to getting them on the case?  (And you do of course, possess identification, false or otherwise, that states that you are under 30 years of age?  These clowns can get a bit testy about that...)  No need to provide any details, just let me know if you don't want them coming, plenty of people have, erm, private reasons for not wishing to speak to the Time Police.

Just a model you say?  What sort of model?  They might still help, not knowing the difference.

[Evelyn Adler]

"I see, you've got things sorted here. Excellent! Then I can go and make some.. tea..."

Evelyn leaves the room rather hastily.