The Practical Fabricator's Magazine (Subscriber's letters.)

[jonb]

The malignite on my chaise lounge is discolouring, was I foolish to use a radium superstructure in the cushions? When I rest upon it during humid afternoons and look at my arsenic green wallpaper I some times can feel quite woozy, if it was not for the copious amounts of radiated laudanum pills supplied by my physician I don't know where I would be, please can you help?

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our Home Improvement Consultant writes:-

Sir,

The discolouration is easily removed by cleaning the area with a 50/50 mixture of Anthrax spores and Benzene.

Finding traces of Arsenic in your wallpaper is not a cause for concern.
However, finding traces of wallpaper in your Arsenic is, and your painting and decorating contractor should be sent a very stern letter.

Yours.

Dotty Wragge-Rollyns.

[Mercury Wells]

Sirs,

With regret I have to inform you et al that my experiments re:- Coconuts & Sparrows, have come to an abrupt end. Namely that the aforementioned Coconuts have expired. 

So on to the good news,...my latest experiment is trying to get bovines to wear spectacles (with differently coloured lens) for when they perusing/purchasing products from high class ceramic emporiums.

Yours&c

Prof. D. O'Lally-Tap.

P.S. And If I maybe so bold as to forward you an amusing little antidote, (for the inclusion in the next Christmas edition) that was overheard recently?

There were two Retired Majors in their club reminiscing about their days in The Dark Continent, when suddenly one Maj. mentioned that their colleague "Sodgrass" Gardener, had stayed behind and was living with a Mountian Gorilla. "My God, that sounds rather queer", replied the 2nd Maj. Oh no! It's well above board, the Gorilla is a Lady. said the 1st.