The Practical Fabricator's Magazine (Subscriber's letters.)

[jonb]

The malignite on my chaise lounge is discolouring, was I foolish to use a radium superstructure in the cushions? When I rest upon it during humid afternoons and look at my arsenic green wallpaper I some times can feel quite woozy, if it was not for the copious amounts of radiated laudanum pills supplied by my physician I don't know where I would be, please can you help?

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our Home Improvement Consultant writes:-

Sir,

The discolouration is easily removed by cleaning the area with a 50/50 mixture of Anthrax spores and Benzene.

Finding traces of Arsenic in your wallpaper is not a cause for concern.
However, finding traces of wallpaper in your Arsenic is, and your painting and decorating contractor should be sent a very stern letter.

Yours.

Dotty Wragge-Rollyns.

[Mercury Wells]

Sirs,

With regret I have to inform you et al that my experiments re:- Coconuts & Sparrows, have come to an abrupt end. Namely that the aforementioned Coconuts have expired. 

So on to the good news,...my latest experiment is trying to get bovines to wear spectacles (with differently coloured lens) for when they perusing/purchasing products from high class ceramic emporiums.

Yours&c

Prof. D. O'Lally-Tap.

P.S. And If I maybe so bold as to forward you an amusing little antidote, (for the inclusion in the next Christmas edition) that was overheard recently?

There were two Retired Majors in their club reminiscing about their days in The Dark Continent, when suddenly one Maj. mentioned that their colleague "Sodgrass" Gardener, had stayed behind and was living with a Mountian Gorilla. "My God, that sounds rather queer", replied the 2nd Maj. Oh no! It's well above board, the Gorilla is a Lady. said the 1st.

[KOYOTE CAIN]

Sir,   
I am writing to express my horror at the article in the last issue., “Construction of the concealed pocket for your personal attack trained squirrel”, found in the dressmaking section. Firstly may I take this opportunity to say that I find the attack squirrel to be an abomination as a result of it’s decidedly unsavoury method of attack! Not only is this particular method brutal beyond the imagination of Man but smacks to me of being downright unsporting. I understand that some attack squirrels are of the female persuasion which is utterly immoral. I think a caveat should be inserted here to all attack squirrel owners. These bushy tailed ninjas are by the nature of their training  very unstable creatures and confining them to a dark, stuffy concealed pocket will tend to push them to the edge of sanity and beyond.  I fear that there will be a horrific tragedy if one of these beasts gets a whiff of someone else’s female squirrel and,  whilst in the grip of a sexual frenzy, bursts out of the concealed pocket and shoots straight up the leg of some innocent person’s underpinnings hell bent on his dastardly pursuit. It could even be the owner who is thus afflicted. I recommend the insertion of some sort of one way trouser valve to pre-empt this occurrence.  I realise that our thoroughfares are inhabited by all manner of footpads and undesirables but I fear this attack squirrel abhorrence is a step too far, why can’t we go back to a more civilised time when a gentleman was safe perambulating the environs with his trusty Ju Jitsu Badger.

Professor Obsidian Blaze
Sensei of the All Wales School of Ju Jitsu (British Mammals Division)

SOUTH OF THE COLONIES ALL THE "GENTLEMEN OF THE TOWNS" ARE USING THE MUCH SOUGHT AFTER "ALABAMA ATTACK RABBIT" FOR PERSONAL PROTECTION. MANY IS THE  LADY THAT HAS HER SEAMSTRESS SEW ON A RABBIT POUCH TO HER LOVERS DUSTER, OR LONGCOAT.
 ALTHOUGH DIFFICULT TO TRAIN, I HEAR THESE ANIMALS ARE FEROCIOUS PROTECTOR AND LOYAL TO A FAULT. GET YOURS TODAY!

YOURS TRULY,
MURDERIN CAIN

[SeVeNeVeS]

SOUTH OF THE COLONIES ALL THE "GENTLEMEN OF THE TOWNS" ARE USING THE MUCH SOUGHT AFTER "ALABAMA ATTACK RABBIT" FOR PERSONAL PROTECTION. MANY IS THE  LADY THAT HAS HER SEAMSTRESS SEW ON A RABBIT POUCH TO HER LOVERS DUSTER, OR LONGCOAT.
 ALTHOUGH DIFFICULT TO TRAIN, I HEAR THESE ANIMALS ARE FEROCIOUS PROTECTOR AND LOYAL TO A FAULT. GET YOURS TODAY!

YOURS TRULY,
MURDERIN CAIN

Gut feeling........ Troll.