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Author Topic: The Practical Fabricator's Magazine (Subscriber's letters.)  (Read 7141 times)
Mercury Wells
Rogue Ætherlord
*
I insiste that you do call me WELLS. :)


« Reply #25 on: November 12, 2011, 04:11:54 pm »

Dear Sir,

Did you know that the reason why the sky is blue...blame the vented instestinal gases of the Air-Kraken!

Yours &c

Major Kokups (Ret.)
Logged

Oh...my old war wound? I got that at The Battle of Dorking. Very nasty affair that was, I can tell you.

The Ministry of Tea respectfully advises you to drink one cup of tea day...for that +5 Moral Fibre stat.
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #26 on: January 08, 2012, 09:13:03 pm »

Our resident Meteorologist writes.

That is somewhat contrary to the results of a series of tests carried out by me when I was Temporary professor of Wind at Uppsala.

During one of our experiments with a lab Kraken in the University's research chamber, all of the atmosphere was accidentally evacuated while my assistant, the late Mr. Ponsonby, was 'mucking out'.

From the observations of the rest of the team, we concluded that it is simply the lack of Oxygen that makes things turn blue.
Logged

Such are the feeble bases on which many a public character rests.

Today, I am two, separate Gorillas.
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #27 on: February 05, 2012, 05:28:42 pm »

A plaintive and all too common request.

"Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish a notification in your next issue informing my husband that his tea's ready

Yours, resignedly.
Ethel Poodes. (Mrs.)"
Logged
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #28 on: February 05, 2012, 05:39:48 pm »

A plaintive and all too common request.

"Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish a notification in your next issue informing my husband that his tea's ready

Yours, resignedly.
Ethel Poodes. (Mrs.)"

Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish the following in your next issue ?


"Be right there, Dear!"


Yours.
Cecil Poodes.



Logged
Herr Döktor
Gadgeteer, Contraptionist, and Inventor, FVSS
Governor
Master Tinkerer
****
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Herr Döktor, and friend.


WWW
« Reply #29 on: February 07, 2012, 07:13:43 pm »

A plaintive and all too common request.

"Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish a notification in your next issue informing my husband that his tea's ready

Yours, resignedly.
Ethel Poodes. (Mrs.)"

Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish the following in your next issue ?


"Be right there, Dear!"


Yours.
Cecil Poodes.





Sirs,

I was wondering if you might publish the following in your next issue ?

Too late, Mr. Poodes, I've eaten it.

Yrs.,

George Cranke
(lodger)
Logged

Cubinoid
Zeppelin Captain
*****
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Cubinoid and Tixia Loxtonian

cubinoid
WWW
« Reply #30 on: February 10, 2012, 12:07:36 am »

Sir,

I must congratulate you on a thoroughly informative and I must say nourishing edition last month. How unusual and refreshing to provide a recipe in the recycling pages!

However, I have discovered a drawback, which I feel I should write in and mention in case others may have been affected.

After consuming the delicious "Prickly magazine and hedgehog soup" as described, I realized too late that I hadn't gotten around to trying out the "DIY flintlock pistol that shoots backwards and forwards simultaneously".

It is such a shame, as I was really looking forward to attempting a build, once I recover from my forthcoming throat operation.

Could you supply me with another copy, please? My newsagent store told me all the other copies had been withdrawn.

Yours, as ever,
A. Paul Mackintosh
Logged

We are proud to present the Surrey Steampunk Convivial, for your pleasure:
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #31 on: February 10, 2012, 12:50:00 am »

Our Canteen Manager writes.

Dear sir.

I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the recipe. The addition of a couple of pages from our sister publication 'The Pepperbox Gunsmith's Journal' in the mix is an inspired twist to a tried and tested formula, adding just the right amount of spice.

Unfortunately, all remaining copies of the magazine have been pulped and tinned  as a part of our annual 'Food Drive' to provide much needed cellulose for those less fortunate.

However, I am pleased to be able to say that  the article you missed will shortly be made available in our twice yearly 'Digest' in a condensed form.

Yours.

Mulligatawny Tureen.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2012, 12:54:43 am by Dr cornelius quack » Logged
Professor Obsidian Blaze
Deck Hand
*
Wales Wales



« Reply #32 on: February 13, 2012, 10:56:30 pm »

By Telegraph

Sir .
Regarding article in latest edition . Entitled “Gorilla wrestling and other extant pastimes” . May I suggest final line “ match isn’t finished when you’re tired, but when Gorilla’s tired” . Could possibly have been better employed as first line .
Please advise on usual staying power of an average Gorilla . Don’t like the look in the brute’s eye at the moment .

Elsie the scullery maid on behalf of Sir Entwistle Sprocket (Bart)
Awaiting reply
Logged

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #33 on: February 14, 2012, 12:38:42 am »

Our Chief Sports reporter replies, on an Aldis Lamp.

"WWHA-YA-MEAN? ESHTANT?..... SHAYS 'ESHTINK!!"

" YAH!...ESHTINK!!....SHWATSHAYS!...ESHTINK!! ...HA..HA.. HA! (HIC!)

"YES?... WHAH-YO-WAN? ............ I AM NOT DRU...!!!"

"TAKE YOUR HANSH OFF ME!!!!!"


Logged
Mercury Wells
Rogue Ætherlord
*
I insiste that you do call me WELLS. :)


« Reply #34 on: October 04, 2012, 11:50:44 am »

Sirs.

This morning, I discovered a mini Air Kraken on my bottle of milk. The damned blighter was trying to steal the cream. Do I threaten it with a flock of Blue Tits or just open fire with a Elephant gun, which fires Elephants?

Yours&c

Maj. Roadworks. (Ret)



« Last Edit: October 04, 2012, 12:20:07 pm by Mercury Wells » Logged
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #35 on: October 05, 2012, 12:29:23 am »

Sirs.

This morning, I discovered a mini Air Kraken on my bottle of milk. The damned blighter was trying to steal the cream. Do I threaten it with a flock of Blue Tits or just open fire with a Elephant gun, which fires Elephants?

Yours&c

Maj. Roadworks. (Ret)





Our  social networking consultant replies.

The standard response to this behaviour, these days, is to film the miscreant on your cellphone and post the footage on 'Youtube'.

This will have the dual benefit of terminally embarrassing the offender, and making you look 'cool'.

Yours,

Fred253461493904852848592205040450229472176574382949592021210495828182959949 and a bit.


p.s. You are the 1000th person to post today, click the link for your chance to  win an 'I-Pad'.
Logged
Captain Shipton Bellinger
Master Tinkerer
***
United Kingdom United Kingdom

Why the goggles..? In case of ADVENTURE!


WWW
« Reply #36 on: October 05, 2012, 07:22:53 am »

Sir,

I enjoyed the recent Practical Fabricator's Practical Jokes article immensely. The nitro-cellulose franking pad was particularly successful at the Postal Office wherein I am employed, and was taken in good spirit by all 'victims'.

Well, those who have regained consciousness, anyway.

I am sure that the Tesla Toilet Seat described in the article will further lighten the working atmosphere.

Yours

Reginald Gusset

PS May I suggest a complementary future article on the construction of prosthetic limbs?

Logged

Capt. Shipton Bellinger R.A.M.E. (rtd)

Herr Döktor
Gadgeteer, Contraptionist, and Inventor, FVSS
Governor
Master Tinkerer
****
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Herr Döktor, and friend.


WWW
« Reply #37 on: October 05, 2012, 09:50:26 am »

Sir,

I enjoyed the recent Practical Fabricator's Practical Jokes article immensely. The nitro-cellulose franking pad was particularly successful at the Postal Office wherein I am employed, and was taken in good spirit by all 'victims'.

Well, those who have regained consciousness, anyway.

I am sure that the Tesla Toilet Seat described in the article will further lighten the working atmosphere.

Yours

Reginald Gusset

PS May I suggest a complementary future article on the construction of prosthetic limbs?



Mr Gusset:

On the one hand, this is an excellent suggestion, but on the other hand, may prove unsettling to some readers, but on the third hand, never say never!

Yrs.

Sidney Falsely-Olde

Practical Retro-Phrenology Correspondant
Logged
Professor Obsidian Blaze
Deck Hand
*
Wales Wales



« Reply #38 on: October 15, 2012, 08:31:19 pm »

S’ah,

     With regards to the forthcoming “Personal FavouriteTopiary” photographic competition, as advertised in the last issue. I have, with the begrudging help of Spume the under gardener and the scullery maid, fashioned a truly magnificent trouser tonsure. I am having some difficulties getting a professional photographer to co-operate with the taking of the competition photographs, I have had some downright unpleasant comments from these so called “professionals”. Can you recommend a sympathetic and discreet artisan who could capture said image?

Prof.Obsidian Blaze   
Logged
Mercury Wells
Rogue Ætherlord
*
I insiste that you do call me WELLS. :)


« Reply #39 on: October 16, 2012, 05:31:27 pm »

Sirs!

In reply to the previous correspondent's letter, I wish to offer my services. You can contact me at the following address:-

C.D. Fotos,
69, Shady Lane,
Shagspinster.

« Last Edit: October 16, 2012, 05:33:20 pm by Mercury Wells » Logged
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #40 on: October 16, 2012, 09:20:54 pm »

Our Chief Photographer writes:-

Well, there you have it, Professor.

A poke in the eye for all of those 'Whingeing B*st*rds' 'Moaning Minnies' who have previously questioned the efficacy of sending a letter to our publication.

Mr. Fotos is well  known respected in the local police courts area and has a proven criminal track record for his collection entitled 'On The Bearskin Rug'. Copies of which are in plain brown paper wrappers wide circulation.

On a technical note.

It is generally recommended to reduce the amount of flash powder used when taking close-up pictures of this sort.

Yours, (at f2.8 and 1/250 of a second)

Ché Cheese.

p.s. The proprietor of the magazine has asked me to remind our readers that the position of Assistant Copy Editor is still open.
 
Logged
Mercury Wells
Rogue Ætherlord
*
I insiste that you do call me WELLS. :)


« Reply #41 on: October 24, 2012, 09:24:40 pm »

Deleted

« Last Edit: October 29, 2012, 10:58:37 am by Mercury Wells » Logged
Mercury Wells
Rogue Ætherlord
*
I insiste that you do call me WELLS. :)


« Reply #42 on: October 29, 2012, 11:08:26 am »

Sirs.

With regards to your pull-out section concerning:- "The training of Swallows and the conveyance of Coconuts "

I have noticed a mistake...where its says "Train the Coconuts to stand on the heads of the said Swallows".*
I think it should read:- "Train the swallows to stand on the top of the Coconuts".

*After that being said & done. I have managed to train the aforementioned the blighters to actually stand on top of the Swallows though and not much else.


Yours&c

Professor D O Lally-Tap.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2012, 11:10:04 am by Mercury Wells » Logged
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #43 on: November 21, 2012, 10:21:28 pm »

Our Rural Affairs Correspondant, Ol' Farmer Scruttock, offers the following timely tips for late November jobs in the kitchen garden.


Proctect  spring greens from early frost with a nice hot water bottle.

Creosote your Wogglers to ward off rising damp.

Pick the last of your Autumn Veg and weld it up in an old oil drum to keep the rats off.
Collect up all the rats and weld them up in an old oil drum. (Works just as well.)

Soak all gate hinges and latches in a mixture of salty water and well rotted manure. them Carol-singers will be around any time now, and the squeaking will give you plenty of time to hide.

Don't forget that this is the traditional time of year for pressing your Nurglers in a cast iron 'Sweedling Tun'.
It's a lovely old ritual that never fails to bring a tear to my eyes.

Now, GET OFF MY LAARRND!!


Logged
Mercury Wells
Rogue Ætherlord
*
I insiste that you do call me WELLS. :)


« Reply #44 on: November 26, 2012, 05:21:33 am »

In reply to "Rural Affairs Correspondant", that doesn't answer my problem though.
Logged
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #45 on: December 09, 2012, 10:09:18 am »

Sirs.

With regards to your pull-out section concerning:- "The training of Swallows and the conveyance of Coconuts "

I have noticed a mistake...where its says "Train the Coconuts to stand on the heads of the said Swallows".*
I think it should read:- "Train the swallows to stand on the top of the Coconuts".

*After that being said & done. I have managed to train the aforementioned the blighters to actually stand on top of the Swallows though and not much else.


Yours&c

Professor D O Lally-Tap.


Our local Birdbrain replies.

You are quite correct in spotting an error in the article.

The proper method is to train the Swallows to stand on their own heads.  This makes it easier to superglue the Coconuts to their feet.

Yours,

Al Katraz.


Coming soon in our festive Christmas issue.

Making Glühwein.
A review of the best types of glue to use.

Logged
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #46 on: April 19, 2013, 12:41:28 am »

Dear sirs.

Whilst perusing Vol. iii of Mr. Reginald Sprott's invaluable 'Handbook of interesting trousers', I saw a pair of trousers which I found very interesting.

Respectfully yours,

Norbert Wibble.

p.s. Can someone please hurry up and invent 'Social Networking' sites, as I have large amounts of equally important information to share.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2013, 12:48:58 am by Dr cornelius quack » Logged
Dr cornelius quack
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


Arrant Carney. Phmebian Cultural Attache.


« Reply #47 on: June 08, 2013, 07:50:33 pm »

Dear$% Sir$%s,>

Can m I*( rFTemindf yOUR  REadershi=p[- o()f theW ikportanx  ()f K££ping oned fimbers out og thE£$ wAy when YUding a Vircu*lar sAW.

yoourd, R%$edspectA.....

oHhhhH!!!, DOD IT!!
Logged
Mercury Wells
Rogue Ætherlord
*
I insiste that you do call me WELLS. :)


« Reply #48 on: November 14, 2014, 11:37:14 pm »

Deleted
« Last Edit: November 21, 2014, 06:44:26 pm by Mercury Wells » Logged
Professor Obsidian Blaze
Deck Hand
*
Wales Wales



« Reply #49 on: December 07, 2014, 05:28:23 pm »

S'ah,

      I would like to be associated with the remarks expressed within the letter regarding safety and circular saws. I do indeed keep my fingers safe when the circular saw is in use, they are in a glass jar in the study, and I now have the parlour maid type my missives....and she also has taken over the circular saw duties.

Prof.Obsidian Blaze
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