The Practical Fabricator's Magazine (Subscriber's letters.)

[Dr cornelius quack]

Does anyone else subscribe to this splendidly useful publication?

As you are no doubt aware, the magazine exists to spread the knowledge of totally fictitious  crafting techniques to a wider audience.
Their readers' letters page is full of handy tips to improve your skills in a whole range of nonexistent trades.

Recent articles have included;

'Choosing the right cardboard for your boiler.'

'Vexing, A much neglected craft.'

'Cordwangling for Idiots.'

'Fifty practical uses for a small piece of stale cheese'.

Your Christmas wish list.'  (Unsurprisingly, a 'Nurker's Moully' is still in at number one.)


Does anyone else have a favorite 'trade secret' that they'd like to share?

[Clym Angus]

I have found the article on cross screw nipple flanges not only stimulating, but also nearly practically informative.

Does anyone else subscribe to this splendidly useful publication?

As you are no doubt aware, the magazine exists to spread the knowledge of totally fictitious  crafting techniques to a wider audience.
Their readers' letters page is full of handy tips to improve your skills in a whole range of nonexistent trades.

Recent articles have included;

'Choosing the right cardboard for your boiler.'

'Vexing, A much neglected craft.'

'Cordwangling for Idiots.'

'Fifty practical uses for a small piece of stale cheese'.

Your Christmas wish list.'  (Unsurprisingly, a 'Nurker's Moully' is still in at number one.)


Does anyone else have a favorite 'trade secret' that they'd like to share?

[Professor Obsidian Blaze]

Following the article in the Christmas edition entitled “Small scale high explosive  experiments for the Festive season and beyond” I am writing to complain in the strongest possible manner. In the Christmas/New Year period I thought I would follow the instruction in the aforementioned article and   battle the post celebration ennui and also strive to push the boundaries of thought provoking science in the home. I fear that the printing error which replaced the 0.01 micro grammes of Nitro Glycerine with 10.01 grammes was a jolly poor show and was directly responsible for the resulting cataclysmic explosion which tore my study assunder! I am recently released from the hospital, most of my wounds are either healed or have regained their sense of feeling and I have taken this opportunity to send this complaint. The event, which happened in my study, resulted in all the needles dropping off the Christmas tree totally spoiling the Yuletide spirit throughout the household. I feel more thought should be spared to the adverse results which these little projects can cause to special occasions, after all it is a time for the children!
On a more positive note it did clear my ear wax problem.

Yours Professor Obsidian Blaze

[Dr cornelius quack]

The Editor writes.

My Dear Professor,

I'm afraid that you have not been the victim of a mere typo, but of a complete misplacement of a whole article.
The piece in question was intended for inclusion in our April edition in line with our policy of always printing a spoof article in that months journal. However, an overzealous copy writer and some misunderstandings in the typesetting department resulted in the item being published some five months early. We can only apologize for any inconvenience caused and reiterate that famous old line.

'Light the blue touchpaper and RETIRE!!"

All is not lost though. If you wait till April and turn to page 47, you will find a set of instructions relating how to turn fallen Christmas Tree needles and Earwax into a rich, nourishing soup.

Yours, etc. etc.

E.T. CETERA
(Editor.)

[Professor Obsidian Blaze]

Sir,

    Re your article in the last issue "DIY Body Armour for the Intrepid Space Traveller", The instructions for the shoulder protection states, "Take two armadillos, clean out internal organs and  steep for at least three weeks in a strong vinegar solution". A number of points are raised here, does one leave the heads on the aforementioned armadillos? My butcher has done a sterling job sourcing the blighters but he is a little unsure as to the correct method of preparation. Does the vinegar have to be white pickling vinegar or a malt vinegar?Cook is a little upset about the whole business and she doesn't want to have to repeat the process, the ugly little brutes taking on a quite unpleasant miasma (the armadillos not cook I must add, though I can see where the confusion arises) and I think a rapid end to the whole unpleasant affair would be most beneficial to the whole staff situation as downstairs is becoming rather more fetid  daily. Awaiting your reply, as I am keen to move on to the cod piece which I can see has it's own shortcomings.

Blaze

[Dr cornelius quack]

The Editor writes.

Professor,

I am happy to be able to provide a new and improved method for the preparation  of Armadillo shells. The previous need for prolonged steeping is circumvented by the simple expedient of boiling the skins in Formaldehyde for three hours in a 'Pressure Cooker'.

The problems of going 'toe to toe' with your cook over a codpiece are, however, beyond the purview of this publication.

Yours, respectfully.

Nosbert Cringe.
(Acting Editor.)

pp. E.T Cetera.
(Currently on medical leave.)

[Dr cornelius quack]

From this month's issue.

'Dear sir.

I'm writing to remind your readers of the vital importance of practice when it comes to maintaining those crucial manual skills.

I myself was once a prolific knitter of gloves and I still make the occasional one.

Just 'to keep my hand in'.

Yours,

Mrs. C.R. O'Shea.

Purley.

[MWBailey]

The Editor writes.

Professor,

I am happy to be able to provide a new and improved method for the preparation  of Armadillo shells. The previous need for prolonged steeping is circumvented by the simple expedient of boiling the skins in Formaldehyde for three hours in a 'Pressure Cooker'.

The problems of going 'toe to toe' with your cook over a codpiece are, however, beyond the purview of this publication.

Yours, respectfully.

Nosbert Cringe.
(Acting Editor.)

pp. E.T Cetera.
(Currently on medical leave.)

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

In reference to the fabrication of armadillo shells, I do not see the necessity, nor the efficacy, of the use of skins boiled in a pressure cooker be it in a solution of formaldehyde or any other chemical.

I have always made my shells from an alloy of brass, with a small percentage of tin; the shells deform much less readily, and are thus much more simple to load into one's armadillo gun. I might suggest to my learned colleague from the letter above that he try said material; it should improve the weapon's performance dramatically, and might even mitigate the necessity of cleaning the animal's remains from the breech after each firing.

Sincerely, MW Bailey, Esq.

PS: It has only just now occurred to me, Mr. Cringe, That you were writing about something rathe rdifferent than I had at first thought. You have my alpologies.

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our mammalian firearms correspondent writes.

No apologies necessary.

All input is most gratefully received, particularly when it is of such a high caliber.

I believe a similar construction method is employed in the making of rounds for the 'Anteater Tank Gun.'

Yours,

Ivor Hugh D'Aardvark.

[Professor Obsidian Blaze]

Sir,   
I am writing to express my horror at the article in the last issue., “Construction of the concealed pocket for your personal attack trained squirrel”, found in the dressmaking section. Firstly may I take this opportunity to say that I find the attack squirrel to be an abomination as a result of it’s decidedly unsavoury method of attack! Not only is this particular method brutal beyond the imagination of Man but smacks to me of being downright unsporting. I understand that some attack squirrels are of the female persuasion which is utterly immoral. I think a caveat should be inserted here to all attack squirrel owners. These bushy tailed ninjas are by the nature of their training  very unstable creatures and confining them to a dark, stuffy concealed pocket will tend to push them to the edge of sanity and beyond.  I fear that there will be a horrific tragedy if one of these beasts gets a whiff of someone else’s female squirrel and,  whilst in the grip of a sexual frenzy, bursts out of the concealed pocket and shoots straight up the leg of some innocent person’s underpinnings hell bent on his dastardly pursuit. It could even be the owner who is thus afflicted. I recommend the insertion of some sort of one way trouser valve to pre-empt this occurrence.  I realise that our thoroughfares are inhabited by all manner of footpads and undesirables but I fear this attack squirrel abhorrence is a step too far, why can’t we go back to a more civilised time when a gentleman was safe perambulating the environs with his trusty Ju Jitsu Badger.

Professor Obsidian Blaze
Sensei of the All Wales School of Ju Jitsu (British Mammals Division)

[Crowquill]

Out here in the colonies many of us are using trained attack porcupines, badgers being sadly unavailable.  The local black squirrels are not as trainable as the reds of the "old country", so have proven unsuitable for defensive purposes.  Skunks, of course, are looked down upon as noxious and unsporting chemical warfare devices.  Grandad, however, tells stories from home of people using throwing hedghogs, kept in a canvas bag - is this true or was he pulling my leg?

[Professor Obsidian Blaze]

My Dear Crowquill,

                        I'm cheered to know that the squirrel option is unavailable out in the colonies. Full marks for innovation and use of the native porcupine, due to it's unavailability here, porcupine attack training is a somewhat prickly subject. With regards to the use of "throwing hedgehogs" it was an extremely respectable application of animal defence. However it fell out of polite usage when some people of questionable morals were seen to be literally "throwing" the hedgehog in a quite vulgar manner. I include the relevant section from "The Gentleman's Guide to the Noble Art of Self Defence" on hedgehog throwing :-

Definition of fair delivery - the arm
A hedgehog is fairly delivered in respect of the arm if, once the combatant's arm has reached the level of the shoulder in the delivery swing, the elbow joint is not straightened partially or completely from that point until the hedgehog has left the hand. This definition shall not debar a combatant from flexing or rotating the wrist in the delivery swing.

With flagrant disregard to this regulation some very "foreign" deliveries were becoming all too common. As a consequence refined gentlemen were loathe to continue with the practice, preferring to endure physical harm than engage in this nefarious exhibition of uncouthness.

Blaze

[Crowquill]

Dear Professor Blaze

Thank you very much for confirming what I had otherwise begun to suspect was yet another example of Grandfather's sense of humour.  I am a little saddened to hear that unsporting use has since brought the hedgehog below the level of acceptability in gentile company. 

The training of porcupines might make a useful article for this esteemed journal.  They are passive and arboreal by nature, so there can be considerable difficulty in selecting and training one's porcupine to the standards needed for self defence.  They are also not the sort of animal one wishes to bring aboard a dirigible without being fully trained or safely enclosed in an iron cage, lest they climb to close to any of the gas bags.

Yours respectfully,
Crowquill

[GarethG]

Dear Sir,

   I have a query regarding the All Weather Basket for the speedy deployment of a Attack Badger. I have constructed the basket as instructed, using waterproof canvas stretched over the wicker hoops, and attaching the straps to carry the basket on my back, I've placed the canvas cover on the top, attached to the shoulder straps; now it is my understanding that deployment if effected by merely turning towards my assailant and bending at the waist, causing both the lid to fall open onto the rear of my head, thus protecting it, and the badger to be shaken up enough to attack whatever it sees?

My query is this: How would I prevent unwanted deployment of said badger? For example, whilst greeting oriental gentlemen, I believe it is the custom to bow at the waist as a sign of respect, it would rather spoil the greeting if the gentleman in question was then attacked by a furious badger!

Yours, Gareth

[Clym Angus]

Dear Practical Fabricator et al,

It has been brought to my attention that this otherwise fine publication might be accused of "dumbing down" in recent months. Firstly there was Augusts back page offering; constructing a skirt blower for gentlemen's relish and delectation. A scandalous usage of pneumatic knowledge sir! 

Then this month; heat ray for the explicit warming of young ladies bodices. Expediting the swift unbuttoning of their top collar. Must we grovel in the filth of all things debase and low?

Now I hear rumours of October's publication containing "fabricators guide to constructing the "bordello" hot molten fudge cannon". Must us high brow makers be subjected to the same base innuendo and wordplay as the common uncultured ruffian? Is this fine publication destined to be come another mere gentleman's pamphlet, gracing the mediocre top shelf? I say NO! Sir. Less titillation more mechanics if you please......

Unless it contains engine oil smearing of course, that is a fine pursuit slandered by jealous rumour.

Kindest regards

Professor Colloquial Flange

[Professor Obsidian Blaze]

Sir,

    With regard the sticky problem of unwarranted attack scenarios when greeting Oriental gentlemen, one should include, in the construction of one's badger basket, a "Confusious" clip ( see the bumper Christmas issue page 17 for instructional diagrams). When suitably attached to a length of thin rawhide which passes down through the rear of one's underpinnings which,with deft buttock clenching can prevent the unwanted release of the attack ready badger . A certain amount of practice is neccesary to master this muscular control but be warned that said practice should only be undertaken in the privacy of one's own home as some officers of the law can be very judgemental when witnessing this behaviour in the park.

Blaze

[Mercury Wells]

Sir.

I was wondering when my article on the "Comprehensive Rules of Pincushion Dueling" is going to be published? As you may not be aware, I had spent the last 10 years in various parts of the Empire researching the subject. I know it may not be up to the high standard of your articles, considering such pieces as "The Lifestyle of the Steam Grinders" & not forgetting the seminal "How become a Air-Ninja in 1 easy Lesson"
 
Yours
Sir Maisie Purple-Hypotenuse (Ret.)

[Herr Döktor]

Sir,

Regarding the 'Time Travel on a Shoestring' article featured in the issue dated June of next year: I am a little confused as to how part two of said article appeared in the February 1884 issue.

Could you clarify the situation?

Thanks in advance, or previous,

Herbert George Wellinever

[Dr cornelius quack]

The Tea Lady writes.

I'm afraid there's no one in the office at the moment.
They've all gone off for a 'team building' weekend at the Castle Frankenstein.
They will be back in a body, or two, to answer your queries soon.

Mrs. Doris Clack.
(Senior Tea Provision Operative.)

[Dr cornelius quack]

In the meanwhile, allow us to remind you of our forthcoming series of 'pull out' supplements entitled,
'Moral Behaviour for Braille Users.' or 'We feel it's only right.'

[KABAR2]

 Sir I found your article on revolving steam cannons most informative I knew Vickers’s & Parkinson were working on a light version and that Hotchkiss & ACME already had these placed in airships is there any news as to where Amalgamated Krupp or the Skoda steam works are in building such a cannon? I understand there were some setbacks when one of Krupps early versions blew some rivets off the recuperator causing minor damage to the drive mechanism is it true they have gone back to do a full revision of the entire system? Or is this outside speculation? Also will there be future articles on the heavy Steam sea coast fortress cannon? We have heard very little.

Thank you,

 Dr. Noel Cannonblast

[Dr cornelius quack]

Dear Subscribers,

We here at PFM hope you'll forgive the lamentable tardiness in answering your correspondence which has occurred recently.
We can offer only the following account of events and rely on your sense of 'fair play' to accept that this delay was inevitable.

Since we have embarked on our extended series of features investigating the options for Temporal excursion available to the enthusiast, we have been trialling a number of devices with a view to publishing a definitive 'user guide'.
The resulting pattern of anomalies in the space-time continuum which may or may not be said to exist, in what may or may not be said to be our office,has yet to be fully mapped and, in consequence, a number of areas of uncertainty have developed. (Particularly next to the tea trolley.)
The following examples illustrate the tribulations we are facing.

1) We had intended to print a full review of the capabilities of 'The Mark iv Steam Coastal Howitzer' in the August edition. However, the process of getting it up the stairs into or test facility took us three days and when we arrived the following morning, we found that it had returned itself down to the loading bay and back into its' crate.

2) A whole consignment of 'Attack Badgers' was accidentally relocated to the year 1873 which may finally explain the six month gap in our bound volume of editions from that year.
 
3) One of our most senior copywriters has been frozen in time at the age of 15 years. Hence the plethora of salacious smut, poor spelling and whiny, petulant complaining that has plagued recent issues.

This situation has not been helped by the fact that a member of our IT staff unilaterally decided to patch a line from the pneumatic tube LAN into a 'beta' version of a device which was sent to us for evaluation by a group of first year engineering students.
Our response to this act was to send him along the same route to 'see how he likes it'.
The business of getting him into one of the capsules proved most informative and entertaining and will be fully reported at some later date.


Yours, sincerely confused.

E.T. Cetera.
(44th October 2011)
(Or the Minus 25th July 1582)

[Dr cornelius quack]

A general note on our publication policy.

Recently we have been receiving a number of contributions which purport to be letters from active artisans engaged in just the sort of infeasible crafts which we relish here at the magazine, but which, in fact, are merely thinly veiled advertisements for tinned processed  meat products.
Be warned. The publishers of this periodical take a dim view of such chicanery and will be starting a file on such miscreants just as soon as we can think of a name for it.

[Mécanicien de Vapeur]

Dear Bamber,
It's never good policy to store tubes of superglue & vaseline in the same cupboard. If a young wife is in a hurry, it's all too easy to get them muddled up. I did once, and guess what happened...the broken spout fell off my teapot.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Trellis
N.Wales

[Herr Döktor]

Subject: NOT A COMPLAINT

Sir,

These tins labeled "SPAM" seem to be full of gin.

HUZZAH!

Yrs. Etc.,

HD