Attempting to write a Steampunk novella, but I'm not sure if it's any good?

[Spazzerbot]

Recently a friend and I were discussing our steampunk OC's and on a lark she decided to give writing a short story a shot. Sharing her progress with me I was thus inspired to try my hand at the same.
Trouble is, I failed Language Arts in School and while I'm an avid reader I really have no idea how to write. I've started a story and after much deliberating I've managed to write a mere 19 pages.

Before I progress further, I'd be most appreciative of any thoughts on my writing thus far. What to improve on, and if I'm even cut out for this!

My story is yet unnamed but focuses on the intertwined adventure of Winnifred Crawford and Dex Hayes.

Anyways, without further ramblings I present: [The attempts of a writer with out a clue of what they are doing]

I'd appreciate any critique good or bad, thank you!

[Dr. D.P. Nelthorpe IV]

Well, first things first: You say this is your first real attempt at writing?  Turn off your doubts, your "inner editor" if you will.  JUST WRITE!  Thats the beauty of the thing, unless you WANT someone to see your first draft, its just a first draft! You are free to re-write it a hundred times, getting it exactly the way you want it before you have to consider the opinions of others.  Also, I can't tell you, or anyone else, this enough: there can never be enough writers (or artists of any kind) in the world.  I get so excited when I see new writers cropping up!
As to my credentials: I have a small bit of poetry published, and have been writing novels/nevellas for ten years.  I've only JUST gotten to the point where I am starting to consider publication.  I've been a beta reader for many other authors, including some who went on to be published.

So, I read through your story, since you DID ask for opinions about it:  I like it.   I think, if this is the FIRST attempt you've made at writing a novella, you've got a real knack for it! The balance between dialogue and action was good; it took me years to get that right.  (I'm not one for diaglogue, probably because I am too quiet in RL)  The stroy you set up...its interesting. You got my attention, and while there were some things that needed to be reworked, the important thing is that you GOT MY ATTENTION.  That's one of the hardest things to do right off. Remember, this is a first draft, and you can always add/remove/edit.  In fact, you SHOULD add/remove/edit--when it is time for that.  For now, just enjoy writing!

[Spazzerbot]

Thank you so much for the comments Dr. Nelthorpe! I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to read everything and give me such constructive thoughts.

I was hoping my story wasn't movie too slow into the flow of the main plot (Which at 19 pages I've just gotten to), but I wanted to take time to set everything up and get the reader to know the characters?
It is my first draft and even though I have revised several sentences I really haven't done any major editing yet. Guess I would say I'm laying the ground work to build from; I'll try to turn off my inner critic and write without worrying if it's just right.
And I was really excited to hear you thought the amount of dialog vs. action was good! I've been working really hard on not making it too wordy, or all actions so I'm glad that's something that stuck out at you.

Besides my massive amounts of grammatical and punctuational failures I'm glad the story has caught your interest. Thank you so much! 

[Spazzerbot]

Thanks for the advice Doctor Gallbraithe! I've found the book on amazon and I'm definitely looking into purchasing it.

I've definitely taken your advice and will be moving some parts of the story around to get to the exciting stuff sooner.
I'm wondering if I should take a chunk of the action from later in the story and put it in front of what I have now? To sort of pique interest.
The base of the book isn't particularly 'action-y' though.

Thanks again for the advice, I can already tell the story is improving!

[Dr. D.P. Nelthorpe IV]

Wow...that is some great advice Doctor...I got alot out of that.  Good to be reminded of this stuff, thank you very much!

To Spazzerbot: Listen to the good Doctor.  And go check out his story, the Clockwork Faerie.  It's had me in stitches and on the edge of my seat, and we've only just gotten to chapter 3.
That reminds me of another good tip: READ. Don't ever forget to read when you are caught up in writing.

[Spazzerbot]

Doctor Gailbraithe what a brilliant illustration! I definitely see what you mean (Star Wars is really a perfect way to illustrate everything in life.) where without failings Luke would have been one lame Gary Sue and the movie really would be lame.
Also the action>reaction thing totally makes sense and now that you've brought it to my attention I can remember some books I've read that really had me on the edge of my seat because of it. 

I think I'm probably going to start a lot of my story over from scratch. I definitely am excited to apply all this advice!


I've been hoping to read Clockwork fairy! I read the first post in the thread and thought the writing was just fantastic!
I've also picked up reading a lot more as of late, especially mores steamy stuff like Boneshaker and Leviathan.


Also, just a note. I'm not male. Just a girl with extremely short hair.

[Spazzerbot]

My apologies for the double posting but I just spent a bit of time writing a new intro using your suggestion of action to catch attention and draw you in.

It's much shorter, just 359 words but already I think it's an improvement! (Except for spelling errors and terrible punctuation skills.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xsFB4irY_IFWTP4EWRd52Nz8VkIrea47LLSXcX9rUbs/edit?hl=en&pli=1#
If I might ask again for your opinion, I am eager to hear if I am following your advice correctly!

[Dr. D.P. Nelthorpe IV]

LOL!! I thought you were a female, but I didn't want to contradict the good Doctor, just in case I was wrong.

Edited to note: I couldn't get to your writing thru that link

[Spazzerbot]

Haha, who can tell on the internet anyways?
The link is working ok for me, but there is a distinctive possibility that's because I'm the host of the document?

It's not that many words, so I'll just post it here to make things easier.

Warning! Grievous grammatical mistakes ahead. 

 

   Captain Barnaby Ledwich burst thought the door of his cabin to the frantic calls of his men. The broad iron deck of the merchant’s airship was bathed in sunlight and the wind was blowing brisk and and cold. This was always when it struck.
Taking the watchman’s spyglass in his hands he pressed it to his eye, sweeping the sky for the source of all the panic. They could all smell it on the wind even if they couldn’t see it yet, the sent of burning salt that no one who had experienced it could explain.
He froze as he spotted it coming at them, small at first but growing quickly; the black cloud billowing and spreading as the wind bore it towards them.
The captain stood there another moment, shock still. Then with a barked order of panic the ship burst into action. Pistols were cocked and phasers juiced. Men scrambled to lock hatches and chain cargo to the iron deck. 
But there was no time to think, no time to react. Before they knew it the smoky cloud had so close, so large it was filling the air around them, bearing down on their heads. It enveloped them, the terrible salty smoke choking their lungs and filling their eyes with tears.
They watched through watery eyes as the smoke grew until it blotted out the sun and they thought they couldn’t bear to breath another breath. But still it grew. It grew until their whole world was blacker than a starless night and the air was too thick to draw into their lungs.
They stood in the darkness unable to see or breath until one by one they began to fall to the deck into sleep. The last of them to collapse could hear footsteps through the stifling smoke and in a few hours when they awoke on the deck of their stripped bare ship they would swear that through their burning, tear-filled eyes, they had seen them. The figures with masks made of machinery, just barely lit in the darkness by glowing green eyes.
The Diabolical Black was upon them and with it her Faceless Devils.

[Dr. D.P. Nelthorpe IV]

Is this scene meant to have happened before the previous scene we read?  I could see it working very well as like, a prologue, or some such, and then having the next bit be the first thing you posted.  I'll leave the analysis to the Doctor, as it was his direct advice you were following, but I'm still enjoying it thus far!

[Spazzerbot]

Yes! This is meant to be the very first bit of the book, the action to draw you in. Haha.

Everything else I have written will be after this prologue, but I'm in the process of rearranging and editing all that with the advice I've gotten.   

[Dr. D.P. Nelthorpe IV]

Also, just a note. I'm not male. Just a girl with extremely short hair.

Pshaw.  I have it on excellent authority that everyone on the internet is actually male.

LOL.

[Spazzerbot]

Pshaw.  I have it on excellent authority that everyone on the internet is actually male.

Hahaha, ever tried Omegle chats? I'm nearly inclined to believe you.


Thank you so much for the encouragement!
I'm already seeing improvement in my writing with your advise and have nearly finished my first round of revisions.
You've got exactly how I pictured the Faceless Devils! With their helmets, gas masks and long coats.

Hopefully the following pages will continue to get better.
I'm afraid I might have to trouble you again for more advice. You really know your stuff man!

[steamtastic]

I just did a quick read through this thread, and I love it. I don’t know if you’re aware already, bit I too am delving in the world of writing novels and creative writing. I have a... similar sort of thread going on too, (you might want to check it out), but I’m at a much early stage then you are. Basically, I’m still trying to come up and get my head round the plot and stuff, (sort out major events, the science, characters etc), so I’ve not yet started to write the story. But that’ll soon all come to end, (I hope), and I’ll have get started on actual writing. This thread’s going to be very helpful.

Anyway, I’m off to school soon, (to my English class), so I’ve only read the first two paragraphs. I’ll catch up later. On the matter of giving advice... I don’t think I have the right to give out any! I mean, I don’t know the exact facts, but I’m probably at the same stage as you when it comes to writing, so there’s no way I can really comment. However, I guess I can still give my support and basic ideas on plot and stuff if you want, although you can totally dismiss that... or whatever  .

[Spazzerbot]

Yes, I've just had a read through your thread. I'm in love with the concept of this other world around the earth!

I'm quite interested in anything you have to say regarding my writing, characters, plot and concepts.  I would love to hear what you think and would love to offer you the same when you start your writing!

[Mark F]

I highly recommend you check out Absolute Write, it's a writer's forum with lots of professional, semi-professional and wannabees. There are places to talk about grammar and language use, places to get criticism on your work and advice on how to get it published (even a place to commiserate with other authors as you slog through the inevitable rejections).

I'll have a look at your work and leave further comments, from the perspective of someone who was told his last manuscript was >almost< good enough (by several good agents)...

[Mark F]

My thoughts.

1) Start with a character who is in a dynamic situation. Characters will always draw and hold attention better than places. You can describe the place after (pull a few random books off the shelves and see how many start with a place).

2) Not everything requires an adverb or adjective. Especially when it is redundant "...boldly typed headline..." 'boldly' and 'typed' can be removed without in any way altering the meaning of the sentence. I recommend you get a copy of Strunk and Whyte, it is THE style guide (and it's very short). Many agents and publishers follow Strunk and Whyte and will turn up a nose at work which is blatantly ignoring the rules they set out.

3) I only got a few pages in and nothing much had really happened. To get published these days a story needs to grab attention fairly early on. It doesn't have to be flash and bang excitement, but there has to be something which pulls the reader in to the story. Really good writers can catch attention with their very first line and hook you completely after a page or two.

Sorry if that comes off as a downer but I'd rather give you an honest opinion which hopefully has some points that can help rather than stroke your ego and leave you adrift.

Two other books which have helped me immensely were Stephen King's "On Writing" and Donald Maass' "Writing the Breakout Novel".

Keep writing and you will get there!

[Spazzerbot]

Thank you for the tips! Honesty is much appreciated.
I'm definitely taking your tips to heart as I work on this further, and will spend some time with the books you suggested.

Thank you!