THOU SHALT / THOU SHALT NOT

[Herr Halt-von-Sachen]

Thou shalt remember the red oil light in the horseless carriage is not an oil level indicator.
Thou shalt not put a gallon of oil into the infernal cumbustion engine of said horseless carriage should the red oil light glow.
Thou shalt use the oil level measuring device known as a dipstick in the said infernal combustion engine of siad horseless carriage once in a while.


Why?
A few years ago we got an old VW Polo as a second car and my wife drove it home. She got home about 25 minutes after me, smoke and oil were coming out of the exhaust pipe... "The oil light came on" she said, "So I stopped and put a can of oil in." - turned out there some had misswired the oil pressure senser with something else and the oil level was fine before she put another gallon in.
And, a few weeks ago, whilst heading from Southampton to Alton with a friend in her car, the engine started rattling and labouring real bad... there was a puff of smoke from the back and the engine conked out. The engine wouldn't turn over on the starter. When I popped the bonnet, there was steamy smoke coming out of the air filter. There was no water OR oil in the engine... I asked my friend when the last time she'd checked the oil level. "Never, the light hasn't come on yet."

Lastly - Thou shalt not press onto a woodsaw blade in a dremmel to make it cut the work faster.

[Wormster]

Thou shall wear steel toe capped footwear when working with any power or hand tools in the workshop or out of it.

I've see feet neatly skewerd with a screwdriver, an antipodean friend of mine lost several toes to his lawnmower because the fool was wearing "open toed safety shoes" (flip flops, or "jangles") to the rest of us!!

When riding ones internal combustion cycle in sweltering heat, thou shall STILL wear ones leather outer garments and gauntlets!

It never ceases to amaze/infuruate me that come the summer some folk think that its ok to zip around on their scooters/motorbikes clad in a singlet and shorts, the road has not suddenly become paved in cotton wool AND the other road users have not developed super vision to see motorcycles!

Thou shalt warm the pot before putting in the tea (1 measure per person) and thou shalt pour the milk in after the tea.

When walking out in the sun thou shalt apply sunblock a half hour before promenading, and if necessary re apply during the day, especially if one has milky white skin and does not want to look like a boiled lobster after 10 mins!

amen!

[JocelynRose]

Are we talking Mr. Smith - or a blacksmith or a silversmith?

Blacksmith I totally understand!!

Ah, alas it is just a Mr. Smith.
Every time we lend a car to family friends by the last name of Smith it either does not come back in one piece or doesn't come back.
It's been going on for a number of generations :/

[Arceye]

Further to Herr Halt von Sachen's comments:-

When offering a car for hire in remote regions, you shall make sure there is oil in the engine!

A few years ago I had a month's holiday in Tasmania, and hired a 4x4,  receiving said Subaru from a local agent, I gave it a quick once over. And found there to be NO OIL in the engine! I phoned the hire agent, and a smug voice told me to get a garage to put some oil in it and keep the bill. I replied that I did not need a garage to put oil in a car- and why the Hell hadn't you people checked the oil level? So I bought a can of oil and everything was fine, but dash it to Heck, we were headed for some fairly out of the way places, it could have got interesting.

[Captain Braid]

Thou shalt remember to check size of item being constructed in workshop against size of doorway, lest you get the D*mn thing stuck.

Thou shalt remember that when living with your parents your tools are automatically assumed be permanently available for your Father in order that he may lose them for you.

Thou shalt remember the law that says that the telephone shall ring and be a call from said parent at a critical time in your construction phase.

[Dr Horatio Blighty]

Thou shalt not, under any circumstances, place any small item down and then take your eyes from it, even for but a second.



One day I will remember this *sigh*

[WillRockwell]

When a tiny part falls on the cluttered shop floor, thou may look for it on hands and knees with a flashlight but ultimately, thou shalt kiss it goodbye.

When thou files a new treasure away in a "safe place" in your archive of Steamed Parts, thou shalt never see it again.

[Professor Fzz]

When offering a car for hire in remote regions, you shall make sure there is oil in the engine!

...but dash it to Heck, we were headed for some fairly out of the way places, it could have got interesting.

The engine isn't the only thing that needs oil.  We had the front differential on a rented 4x4 seize while travelling along a remote track in the Masai Mara in Kenya.  Loud bang, all four wheels locked, and we landed in a ditch.  Passed a pride of lions a mile or so back.  No other vehicles around.  This was 1993, so no mobile phones.  Now what do we do?

A couple of hours later, the first truck comes along.  We jumped out in front to make sure he didn't drive past; awkward moment when they misunderstand and think we're trying to hijack them.

Eventually they agree to drive two of us to the reserve headquarters 50 miles away, where the nearest radio is.  There then followed a very interesting round of chinese whispers.  We radioed a message to someone, she radioed it on to someone else further away who had a phone, who then phoned the rental company in Narobi.  Took quite a few back and forth exchanges before all the misunderstandings were sorted out.  Amazing ingenuity everyone showed, and so so helpful!

Finally the company sent out a mechanic who picked us up 12 hours later and drove back to our friends we'd had to leave with the broken 4x4.  Long day.  All because some mechanic forgot to put oil in the diff when he'd been working on it a few days before.

Could have been worse though - the day before we were many miles from the nearest road, so no-one would have ever come along.

[Sorry for threadjacking; back to your normal service...]

[Captain Braid]

Thou shalt remember that when making a very large and fresh cup of tea thou stalt wear thay eyeglasses in order to see thy desk and not spill tea in ones lap.

(Just done this!! Not impressed with self)

[maduncle]

Speaking of eyeglasses methinks.

Thou shalt remember that thine eyeglasses will become most fogged upon the opening of thine oven door to inspecteth thy roast, therefore rendering thee most temporarily blinded.

Yay verily.

Forsooth.

[JocelynRose]

Thou shalt remember that thine eyeglasses will become most fogged upon the opening of thine oven door to inspecteth thy roast, therefore rendering thee most temporarily blinded.

Thou shalt also remember that this happens when opening dishwashers.

Also,
Thou shalt tea stain paper, but remember to wear gloves or thou shalt also stain thy hands.

[Hektor Plasm]

And, of course, duct tape (the Handyman's Secret Weapon) is alot like the Force — it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the Universe together...

but it doesnt flow through all living things

That would be Vindaloo tape 

/ducks (tape)

HP

[maduncle]

And, of course, duct tape (the Handyman's Secret Weapon) is alot like the Force — it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the Universe together...

but it doesnt flow through all living things

That would be Vindaloo tape  

/ducks (tape)

HP

In fact - it is the specific tape we use in the Antipodes to hold our ducks together - we have 'loose ducks disease' here you see, nasty stuff and transmissable to humans.

[Prof Mellifluous Plinth]

If thou shalt measure with a micrometer, thou shalt not then mark with chalk and hit with an axe! 

[Arceye]

Thou SHALT NOT use thy micrometer as a glue clamp!

[Angus A Fitziron]

... or thy best instrument screwdriver as a bradawl!

[helios]

And, of course, duct tape (the Handyman's Secret Weapon) is alot like the Force — it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the Universe together...

but it doesnt flow through all living things

That would be Vindaloo tape  

/ducks (tape)

HP

In fact - it is the specific tape we use in the Antipodes to hold our ducks together - we have 'loose ducks disease' here you see, nasty stuff and transmissable to humans.

Terrible business, that Loose Duck's Disease. We've had to be awfully careful not to let it transmit across the ditch.

[The Corsair]

Thou shalt stay a reasonable and respectable distance away from anyone else operating any given power tool lest thou lose more of yourself than you aimed to by dieting

[maduncle]

And, of course, duct tape (the Handyman's Secret Weapon) is alot like the Force — it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the Universe together...

but it doesnt flow through all living things

That would be Vindaloo tape  

/ducks (tape)

HP

In fact - it is the specific tape we use in the Antipodes to hold our ducks together - we have 'loose ducks disease' here you see, nasty stuff and transmissable to humans.

Terrible business, that Loose Duck's Disease. We've had to be awfully careful not to let it transmit across the ditch.

Where do you think WE got it from huh?

Meanwhilst - thou shalt not build thy shed and then order a workbench that will not fit in thy shed  - rather, thou shalt position said workbench and erecteth thy shed around it.

[zephron]

here's some i have done for me on me myspace, dont know if its what your after, but lets see...

'Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barret in vain.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thall shalt not stop liking a band just because they've become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by it's cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls' pants. Use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoaks.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave before it's done just because you've finished your shitty little poem or song you self-righteous prick.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just 'cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you're never gonna fucking talk to.
Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.
The Beatles: Were just a band.
Led Zepplin: Just a band.
The Beach Boys: Just a band.
The Sex Pistols: Just a band.
The Clash: Just a band.
Crass: Just a band.
Minor Threat: Just a band.
The Cure: Just a band.
The Smiths: Just a band.
Nirvana: Just a band.
The Pixies: Just a band.
Oasis: Just a band.
Radiohead: Just a band.
Bloc Party: Just a band.
The Arctic Monkeys: Just a band.
The Next Big Thing.. JUST A BAND.
Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-english speaking countries as to those that occur in english speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say "Hey" thou shalt not say "Ho".
When I say "Hip" thou shalt not say "Hop".
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise- kill me.
Thou shalt not quote me happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish you girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt spell the word "Pheonix" P-H-E-O-N-I-X not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English
Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying "Is it".
Thou shalt think for yourselves.'

*Edit - quoted from lyrics "Thou Shalt Always Kill" by Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip.

[JocelynRose]

here's some i have done for me on me myspace, dont know if its what your after, but lets see...

Actually, thats the incomplete lyrics to Thou Shalt Always Kill by Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip

[Dr. Madd]

Thou shalt not aim low when testing a new slingshot weapon, lest you put a hole in the door of your shed.

[Antipodean]

The purchase or manufacture of pipes

Thou shalt ensure that -
1.   All pipes are to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2.   All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different lengths than the pipe.
3.   The ID (inside diameter) of all pipes must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4.   The inside diameter cannot equal the outside diameter. (They tend to leak badly)
5.   All pipes are to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
6.   All pipes should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.

Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is a recommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

7.   All pipe over 500 ft in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.
8.   Pipe over 2 miles in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
9.   All pipes over 6 ft in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
10.   Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
11.   When ordering 90 deg. or 30 deg. elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
12.   Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the contents will flow the wrong way.
13.   All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
14.   All pipes shorter than 1/8 in are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
15.   Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.
16.   Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
17.   Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
18.   Scottish engineers use pipes in unusual ways.  These are not approved of in engineering circles.

[ForestB]

Thou shalt not use your spouse's wire cutters/strippers to cut spiral steel corset boning- you will end up owing said spouse a new one....
Thou shalt replace this tool right away, or you will NEVER hear the end of it..

[zephron]

here's some i have done for me on me myspace, dont know if its what your after, but lets see...

Actually, thats the incomplete lyrics to Thou Shalt Always Kill by Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip

Many thanks, well you live and learn. All this time she didn't say where they came from and i just attributed them to her.

I apologise for my ignorance, and to the band/songwriter who, for a good few years now, has gone uncredited.

*Edit - found it and listening to it now, and indeed t'is better with music behind it!