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Author Topic: Single Steampunks?  (Read 347632 times)
bizarre_chicken
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« Reply #950 on: July 08, 2009, 10:08:46 pm »

Next query: is there no middle ground, socially speaking? We'll all admit that personality counts and that braggards are boorish and undesirable, but the shy gents don't seem to have too many options.

Of course there's middle ground. One can be outspoken and confident easily, without being boorish. The one problem many shy people have is not being able to see that middle ground, nor, in fact, how to give the impression that they want. Many people think confidence is something innate, when really (and I say this from experience) that it is something learned.
The option you have is to simply stop bothering yourself over what people think, or the impression you might give - either you'll give the right impression, or you won't, there is certainly nothing to gain by agonising over it.
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« Reply #951 on: July 08, 2009, 10:24:38 pm »

Somehow - and I blame the healthy dose of medications - i've given the impression that all things are cut-and-dry, black-and-white. I never made any claims to such - at least, I don't recall doing so. On the contrary, i've always been confident socially but shy and awkward when it comes to talking about myself. I've been accused of being aloof, secretive, and guarded when in actuality I am uncomfortable talking about myself.

And i've again forgotten the point I was trying to make.
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In all reality, "steampunk" is anachronistic, innit? Otherwise it's just Victorian dress-up.

chain smokin', sleep needin', apparel designin', mohawk havin', tea drinkin', steady cursin', boy charmin', card readin' rabble-rouser and amusement park cleverly disguised as a woman

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garingling
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« Reply #952 on: July 09, 2009, 06:06:48 am »

I totally agree with Abi about overcoming shyness. I am by nature shy but I've never let it really hinder me. Yes, there are moments when my hands get sweaty, my heart races and my first impulse is to run especially in crowds or unfamiliar situations. That's when:
A) I just start talking to everyone about simple stuff, like a compliment on something they have or wear, until someone else in the crowd takes my compliment and starts a conversation. It's at this point I no longer feel shy. Some may not give the time of day but there are always others who will talk with you.

B) Sit quietly and take in whats going on around me for a few minutes (using the time to talk to myself internally and relax) then just wait for opening to insert myself into a conversation.

C) Become a completely sweet clown/goof because if I act like I don't care what others think then I start to think that it really doesn't matter too.

D) Just smile at people it does wonders. It says I am friendly and approachable so come chat with me.

Somewhere between C & D is my true self. I'm rambling in the singles thread and I haven't been single in a very long time so I will stop now (sorry).
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« Reply #953 on: July 09, 2009, 06:09:46 am »

No person embodies one singular social aspect 100% of the time. It's impossible. We're mutable creatures, and variety is key to being a real human being.

I think the biggest oversight in this entire subject is actually the root of the solution.

Shyness is a problem to be overcome, being quiet is not, nor is it the same thing.
Arrogance (being a braggart) is a problem to oversome, being confident is not, nor is it the same thing.

So, of course being shy or being a braggart is undersireable! Both these tendancies are borne of fear. Fear of being thought a fool, fear of not being accepted, fear of rejection, fear of being laughed at, FEAR.

Once that fear is faced, it's a whole lot less scary. And from there, one can actually *be* quiet and contemplative and confident and attractive and interesting and humorous, ect ect. Once you stop worrying about what people think, you can do what makes you, well, you.

But unfortunately, the human condition dictates that just because one person may think another is simply quiet, yet another will see them as shy. Just as one person will think one is arrogant while another will only see confidence. As for the fear aspect I do completely agree. However, its not so much just facing the fear but accepting it or at least muting it to a degree. I learned to do that many years ago and try to help people understand that. I have attempted to help many people over the years with both shyness and confidence but sometimes, its just something they have to do for themselves.

For instance, this past weekend a friend who has had issues with talking with women in general was having a bit of a problem introducing himself so I did it for him, several times throughout the night. Of course a few times he failed miserably and attempted to salvage the situations (I swear, don't ask me how or why but he mentioned Serial Killer twice within the first 5 sentences of meeting one particularly lovely young woman).

The odd part now, for myself, I have a tendency to make sure friends like him and others are doing well socially while I typically sit alone at the bar and watch, give advice and simply watch the people around me. I get looks of course and after having a few, I may even walk around a bit but I rarely introduce myself to anyone or even really turn my head for a woman. I get looks, smiles even and sometimes gazes but I never bother with more than a casual glance and a smile. Not out of shyness or really anything else aside from boredom. There lies my dilemma because I often either look brooding or depressed when I am just thinking. That doesn't exactly draw most women in and the ones that do have a tendency to be a little too.. tame for me, but thats another issue all together.

Just remember that some of us who may have, or merely act as if we are confident seem that way on the surface and learned to control it. Mostly though we feel the same as everyone that has ever stumbled badly in a conversation or tripped in the middle of the crowd. We just hide it, laugh at it and merely accept it as just another little bump in the road and move forward. I refuse to spend the next day worrying whether or not I should have/could have done something I didn't. Never regret any action because its pointless to ponder on something you can't control.

-S
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Athena
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« Reply #954 on: July 09, 2009, 03:07:24 pm »

*thinking she really has to stop coming in on the middle of these conversations*

I agree with Reni. Shy is cute....but only up to a certain point. It can be frustrating and much like playing chess. You don't know if the other person is overanalyzing their next move or just doesn't know how. Or....*dangerous music*...doesn't want to.

I am really shy in person. I will be that girl sitting in the back of the bar just watching everything happen. I don't walk up to people and start talking and I will make a total fool of myself if I open my mouth, which makes it even worse because I've acted like an idiot. And I have, on occasion, become a human popsicle.  Embarrassed

What's really bad is if I've talked to someone for a while and never met them, when I do talk to them, I get really nervous. My voice goes to a high pitch and all I want to do is bolt or hang up the phone or just crawl in a corner and hide. And I'm positive that since I've been this way this long, there's no overcoming it.
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The Abiliegh
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« Reply #955 on: July 09, 2009, 03:15:36 pm »

Mr Strange, I agree with you 100%. The only bit i might suggest in the advice to others is that while you are correct that others may view quiet as shy and confidence as arrogance, that part is out of your hands. No one can control what another person takes away from what you show them. We all interpret things differently. What is important that *you* know what you're projecting. The people worth your time will get it.

And Athena, that attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy.


I used to be terrified of social situations as a child. To be who I am today, I had to make a choice. I had to suffer through millions of awkward moments, frightening conversations and perceived embarrassments. But I'll tell you a secret, Most people would rather hang out with someone who is open an honest and real, even if that means that they say some stupid things, stumble over their words or generally don't know how to act, than hang out with someone who is going to sit in a corner and say nothing.
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Reni Valentine
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see here, Gus - nobody chaperones the chaperone

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« Reply #956 on: July 09, 2009, 05:51:17 pm »


But unfortunately, the human condition dictates that just because one person may think another is simply quiet, yet another will see them as shy. Just as one person will think one is arrogant while another will only see confidence. As for the fear aspect I do completely agree. However, its not so much just facing the fear but accepting it or at least muting it to a degree. I learned to do that many years ago and try to help people understand that. I have attempted to help many people over the years with both shyness and confidence but sometimes, its just something they have to do for themselves.

For instance, this past weekend a friend who has had issues with talking with women in general was having a bit of a problem introducing himself so I did it for him, several times throughout the night. Of course a few times he failed miserably and attempted to salvage the situations (I swear, don't ask me how or why but he mentioned Serial Killer twice within the first 5 sentences of meeting one particularly lovely young woman).

The odd part now, for myself, I have a tendency to make sure friends like him and others are doing well socially while I typically sit alone at the bar and watch, give advice and simply watch the people around me. I get looks of course and after having a few, I may even walk around a bit but I rarely introduce myself to anyone or even really turn my head for a woman. I get looks, smiles even and sometimes gazes but I never bother with more than a casual glance and a smile. Not out of shyness or really anything else aside from boredom. There lies my dilemma because I often either look brooding or depressed when I am just thinking. That doesn't exactly draw most women in and the ones that do have a tendency to be a little too.. tame for me, but thats another issue all together.

Just remember that some of us who may have, or merely act as if we are confident seem that way on the surface and learned to control it. Mostly though we feel the same as everyone that has ever stumbled badly in a conversation or tripped in the middle of the crowd. We just hide it, laugh at it and merely accept it as just another little bump in the road and move forward. I refuse to spend the next day worrying whether or not I should have/could have done something I didn't. Never regret any action because its pointless to ponder on something you can't control.

-S

hey! i think this may be part of what i meant to say a few posts back! good show, Straenge, good show!

and i was shy to the point of mania as a child. i was thought to be autistic until age ten because i rarely spoke aloud in public and could not make eye contact. now quite the opposite is true. i'm thirty seconds from braggart and will hold eye contact until the other person becomes uncomfortable (only when provoked - it's a competition/alpha issue that i have yet to work through). and then at home, i'm fairly quiet.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2009, 05:54:49 pm by Reni Valentine » Logged
Siggy
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« Reply #957 on: July 10, 2009, 02:05:09 am »

I have a question. *You know this can't be good.* Actually, it's me and one other person.

Do men get butterflies when they meet someone for the first time? They seem so cool and collected. How do they do it? How does anyone do it? Just wondering. I'll go back to my hole now.....*retreating*

Athena,

Yes, men get butterflies.  It's always nervous-making when meeting a new person, especially one a man considers attractive.  Those of us who do manage to get out and meet new women in social settings are the ones who've learned to suppress the butterflies enough to be functional.  It's really no different from going on stage: one has a performance to put on, so one must do it.  The only difference is that the role is one's self.
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« Reply #958 on: July 10, 2009, 02:44:24 am »

I have a question. *You know this can't be good.* Actually, it's me and one other person.

Do men get butterflies when they meet someone for the first time? They seem so cool and collected. How do they do it? How does anyone do it? Just wondering. I'll go back to my hole now.....*retreating*

I rarely ever have this happen to me. Normally, I just get the nervous reaction to normally meeting new people in large groups but "suck it up" as it were and even if I am having an off day, I at least act the part. However, occasionally when I am truly awe-struck which has happened maybe only a dozen times in my life, I drop the confidence somewhere and do my impression of Hugh Grant or worse, lock up. I hadn't had this happen in years until I met Erica Mulkey (Unwoman). I don't even remember the brief pleasantries we exchanged, only the momentarily "flutter" somewhere in my abdomen and feeling myself stare far too often at her, ignoring Voltaire altogether. Ah well.

Ok, for those serious about Mr. Straenge's Social Experimentation Exercise for the Shy  #1 - The next time your in a store, walk up to any random 2 people and introduce yourself in some form. One man and One woman - store employees do not count. This may sound rather easy to some but to others this may be rather difficult.

-S
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E.A. Claringbold
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« Reply #959 on: July 10, 2009, 03:52:37 am »

Ok, for those serious about Mr. Straenge's Social Experimentation Exercise for the Shy  #1 - The next time your in a store, walk up to any random 2 people and introduce yourself in some form. One man and One woman - store employees do not count. This may sound rather easy to some but to others this may be rather difficult.

Oh goodness....That is extremely difficult to do. And ,heavens, yes, I could do good with your Social Experiment Exercise, but that's far too big of a step for me to start on. Smiling and saying 'good afternoon' to people in the hospital that engaged in the action first is difficult enough for me. (course it gets easy after two/three days- but it always seems to reset over the weekend).
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Mr. Straenge
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« Reply #960 on: July 10, 2009, 07:05:45 am »

Ok, for those serious about Mr. Straenge's Social Experimentation Exercise for the Shy  #1 - The next time your in a store, walk up to any random 2 people and introduce yourself in some form. One man and One woman - store employees do not count. This may sound rather easy to some but to others this may be rather difficult.

Oh goodness....That is extremely difficult to do. And ,heavens, yes, I could do good with your Social Experiment Exercise, but that's far too big of a step for me to start on. Smiling and saying 'good afternoon' to people in the hospital that engaged in the action first is difficult enough for me. (course it gets easy after two/three days- but it always seems to reset over the weekend).

Honestly, it isn't as hard as you think. Many people don't care one way or another. So what if they think you are some wierdo? It doesn't matter one way or the other because at least you went over that block. If it helps, try it with the elderly first. I have found they are easier to start with. Even if you simply help them find something and randomly introduce yourself. Other people find it easier to start with eye contact exercises.

Throughout your day, when you interact or merely look at people. Make complete eye contact and hold it until they break it. Now there is a difference between making pleasant eye contact and staring at someone. Don't treat it like a staring contest but more along the lines of watching whats behind their eyes. That feeling of being able to look behind the glass-like spectrum of their eyes and really seeing behind them without staring at the person. It takes a bit of practice but after a time, you can even see overlays of reaction. Of course if they break eye contact, that doesn't mean you shouldn't force it. Just simply nod and smile.

As I said it does take time and practice and faith in yourself but once you can overcome your fear of eye to eye contact, that could be the first step toward away from shyness. For some though, eye contact is far too initimate to start and that may take a bit more time to feel it out which is why I typically have people start with step-by-step introductions.

By the way, I have helped quite a few people with the exercises and consulted for those individuals whose shyness/introversion handicapped them to an extreme level. It took quite a few tries and many are still having the same issues but to a lesser degree and are still, for some I at least hope, are becoming far less shy than they were.

-S
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The Abiliegh
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The_Abi
« Reply #961 on: July 10, 2009, 03:37:10 pm »

Not to diminish your pain, but why is it that "love" has to be in a romantic sense? I love my friends, I love my son, I love myself. For me, that's enough.

Amen, sista Smiley

I thouroughly believe is multiple kinds of love. Not every love is all-consuming, fire breathing passion, nor is every love like that which one has for their family. It's a spectrum.

And, on the eye-contact suggestions, I support the trying of it, though I've discovered it works better for nearly all others than it does for myself. Too many years of ballroom dance taught me that you only make eye contact if you want them to kiss you! (It's something I get over regularly, but it's still something incredbly intimate, in my mind)
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KatarinaNavane
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« Reply #962 on: July 15, 2009, 08:27:17 pm »

my trick to meeting people: eavesdropping.  Find a nice public place, (coffee shops are great) and listen in on people's conversations, and find somewhere to chime in (always preface with some sort of "pardon me for listening in but...")
From there, it's easy.  Either they look at you like your'e crazy (which doesn't happen often) in which case, oh well, or you're in the conversation, and once you're in the conversation you're golden. 
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eggberta echegaray
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Eggberta
« Reply #963 on: July 16, 2009, 02:01:06 am »

Watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince makes me wish I had Luna Lovegood as a girlfriend.

Or at least a Harry Potter fan Cheesy

hehe...speaking of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...*sighs* I will be seeing it this coming  Saturday...My friends and I have landed V.I.P seats and one *winks* guy friend who I have a mad crush on will be attending! Tongue I so can't wait to see the film, but more than that...I can't wait to be accidentally "bumping" elbows with him in the dark and listening to him breath. GAWDDDDDDDDDDDD I'm pathetic! LOL! We saw the latest Transformers movie a couple of weeks back, and he bought me a pop and he and I shared a bag of popcorn together and of course, bumped elbows at an attempt for one of us to win the arm rest...he won, the b*%#tard! But omg...I was in*bliss!* Damn I feel like a teenager! LOL! Ack! Tongue
« Last Edit: July 16, 2009, 02:02:46 am by eggberta echegaray » Logged

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« Reply #964 on: July 16, 2009, 02:20:05 am »

Watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince makes me wish I had Luna Lovegood as a girlfriend.

Or at least a Harry Potter fan Cheesy

hehe...speaking of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...*sighs* I will be seeing it this coming  Saturday...My friends and I have landed V.I.P seats and one *winks* guy friend who I have a mad crush on will be attending! Tongue I so can't wait to see the film, but more than that...I can't wait to be accidentally "bumping" elbows with him in the dark and listening to him breath. GAWDDDDDDDDDDDD I'm pathetic! LOL! We saw the latest Transformers movie a couple of weeks back, and he bought me a pop and he and I shared a bag of popcorn together and of course, bumped elbows at an attempt for one of us to win the arm rest...he won, the b*%#tard! But omg...I was in*bliss!* Damn I feel like a teenager! LOL! Ack! Tongue
This time if he wins the arm rest just rest your arm on his until he decideds to move. Cheesy

hehe....Good advice! Tongue It's so weird...I wasn't sure if he was just being silly or "friendly" if you catch my drift! Tongue Yea...this time round...I'm going to do that, and I'll just plop my elbow on top of his...not move it and see what he does....haha! Tongue I don't know what to think of it...I know I like him, but he's a pretty friendly guy, and I really don't know him all that well enough to know if he's flirting, or just being nice ya know? ARGH! I can't wait til Saturday! LOL! Knowing my luck...the two other friends I'm going with, there is four of us in total, I will be saddened if I don't get to sit next to him Sad It's happened before and I actually had to sit there and enjoy the blasted movie Tongue
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garingling
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« Reply #965 on: July 16, 2009, 02:28:15 am »

Ohh what will you do, if all you get to do is watch Daniel Radcliffe for a few hours? Cheesy

I don't know why but for some reason I have this bad comedy movie sort of scene in my head were you try to sit next to him and the other friend gets in the way so, you find a Will Ferrell way to push them out of the way. LOL (Not that I believe you are anything like that it just made me picture such a scene). Cheesy
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eggberta echegaray
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« Reply #966 on: July 16, 2009, 02:31:21 am »

Ohh what will you do, if all you get to do is watch Daniel Radcliffe for a few hours? Cheesy

I don't know why but for some reason I have this bad comedy movie sort of scene in my head were you try to sit next to him and the other friend gets in the way so, you find a Will Ferrell way to push them out of the way. LOL (Not that I believe you are anything like that it just made me picture such a scene). Cheesy

heh...well...hm!!!!!!! haha! Naw...I couldn't do that....but the thing is, this one other chick going with us, she too fancies him, but I know for a fact that he doesn't like her, for the last time we where out, he said so. Sooo...LOL! We'll see if your prediction comes true, and I pull a Will Farrel Tongue
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Loki-the-Nomad
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« Reply #967 on: July 16, 2009, 02:31:54 am »

I have no doubts as to the flack I'll receive for saying what I'm about to say, but I'm not one to hold my tongue. I don't consider myself shallow, and when it comes to the women I have had I can honestly say that personality is what has distinguished those I will remember from those who will be lost to all but the subconscious, however I think it is foolish to completely eliminate physical attraction from calculating those you love. It's essential, in my opinion, that a man and a woman feel lust for one another for otherwise minds shall always wonder. This doesn't mean you only date those who are completely gorgeous, as there are many things that are attractive and this is undoubtedly different for every individual. There's a vast split between those who are attracted by looks and those who are drawn more to personality but I think both sides of the spectrum have fallen into extremes and I for one honestly think it's a balance of the two that is most important.
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garingling
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« Reply #968 on: July 16, 2009, 09:16:10 pm »

I might be taking myself off this thread....
 Grin

Nope, never mind.
Awe, too bad.
Hey, at least you tried. Just remember the next time you want to ask someone that it might have stung but it didn't kill to get a no. I got a lot more no and we're just friends but, eventually the right person said yes.
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« Reply #969 on: July 17, 2009, 06:00:28 am »

Out of curiosity, how many of these fine folks have started dating since this thread was started?


It'd be interesting to take a poll of how many people have met their significant others because of this site.

the thread isn't really used like that, it's more people complaining about being single and giving eachother random dating advice than coupling up with one another.   


Oh my, I did not mean to come across as assuming this thread was being used as a meat market. I understand perfectly single's threads and how nice it is to be able to commune with others in similar stations of life. Still, I have always been curious about other posts of this sort which I have seen on other forums, and how, in some ways, tends to bring some people together who otherwise may not have found each other.

I'm a sucker for a good romance. I was just wondering if there were any good stories of how this thread or forum may have been the tool to facilitate a relationship.

It was simply a question out of curiosity. One I've always wanted to ask but never had until now.
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The_Abi
« Reply #970 on: July 17, 2009, 04:36:09 pm »

I'm sometimes content being single...

I'd rather be single than be with someone when i know it won't work out.  


I'd kinda like there to be  a steampunk dating site, actually.  Think we're a big enough group for that yet? 

You know, I think if it existed, people would check it out. Don't know if we're big ennough for it to be *effective* yet, but there are definately enough people around to make a base out of.
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The Hon. Archibald Keyes
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« Reply #971 on: July 17, 2009, 08:44:47 pm »

I'd rather have a girlfriend than be single.

However, this is countermanded by the fact that I don't want to go out with any of the girls I know, nor they with me.

It's a very strange situation. Perhaps the next years worth of students will help.
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« Reply #972 on: July 19, 2009, 07:15:11 am »

*sighs* Sooo....*smiles* Those have been following my thread...I went and saw H.P tonight...sat by the guy I'm crushing on..and guess what! Smiley He asked me if I wish to see another movie with just him sometime next week! *blushes* and in a deep voice says * YESH!!!!!!* Tongue hah! Balls in his court now to tell me what day and all that Smiley Me happy camper! Tongue  We did have an awkward moment at the end though...we weren't, or I wasn't sure if I should hug him or not...I think he wanted to hug me goodbye because he kinda motioned over to me...but I just waved to him and said night...man I'm such a dork! Tongue ACK on me! LOL! Oh well...maybe by not giving him a hug, it will make him want to crave one?! *shrugs* LOL! I don't know...I just felt...awkward...blah! Tongue
« Last Edit: July 19, 2009, 07:24:30 am by eggberta echegaray » Logged
eggberta echegaray
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Eggberta
« Reply #973 on: July 19, 2009, 06:20:57 pm »

Quote
it's a common problem when one lives in ones own little world and doesn't like anyone else coming in!

it's true though, you never know who may come along!

I'm now seeing this for myself with regards to not knowing who'll be coming along! Smiley For years, I limited myself to socializing "online" and barely went out...well...besides having to go out to commute into work, grocery shopping...that sort of stuff...Last year, I finally decided to move to the city I commuted to work in, and wow...what a difference! I barely stay in my apartment now, I am "socializing" in person, and meeting a ton of new peeps, especially cute and funny guy ones! Tongue It's wonderful!  Gawd...I should of done this years ago...

It is very true...you just never know who may come along...and it's exciting!
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eggberta echegaray
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Eggberta
« Reply #974 on: July 19, 2009, 06:50:07 pm »

i do meet quite a few people normally but i mean being in my own world even when there are others around!

Ahhh...gotcha! Ack, I still live deep inside my own wacky wiggly world of myself, even when I'm out and about in public and hanging out with my friends. But, as of late, I decided to let down my draw bridge to let others enter my castle's highly guarded walls and...LOL! Some interesting characters are crossing over my bridge Tongue I am now learning to very much enjoy this! Tongue
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