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Author Topic: Single Steampunks?  (Read 337706 times)
Reni Valentine
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see here, Gus - nobody chaperones the chaperone

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« Reply #1250 on: January 28, 2010, 07:17:18 pm »

Most people mistake me for being 10-15 years younger then I really am. Its kinda irritating, because people start treating me like I'm some kind of freak. Last spring semester at school I became sorta friends with a girl that asked me out on a date, I said I couldn't because I'm old enough to be her dad, and it would be weird. Then we got into an argument about my age.. I couldn't believe it. I was so exasperated at this I simply gave up on meeting women all together.

Staying single: cheaper, quieter, with alot less bullsh*t.

yes. this.

i get carded. not for movies or cigarettes or beer (well, i do, but that's mostly irrlelvant in this instance). but i've been carded by just about every person that i've gone out with over the last ten years. at first it was flattering. now it's annoying. it was the worst when i was in school as well - i had to explain to the teenagers why i don't date teenagers. *shudder*
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In all reality, "steampunk" is anachronistic, innit? Otherwise it's just Victorian dress-up.

chain smokin', sleep needin', apparel designin', mohawk havin', tea drinkin', steady cursin', boy charmin', card readin' rabble-rouser and amusement park cleverly disguised as a woman

TS245
TheBrassDuke
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United States United States


The Brass Duke


« Reply #1251 on: January 29, 2010, 08:39:37 am »

All right, everybody. The Brass Duke is removing his sash for the first time in a while.

Greetings. I'm Caine.

I've got a problem, and I would really like some help--better yet, I would appreciate it--if everyone doesn't still detest me. I've posted this before, but I am going to add a bit more detail than the last time.

So I'm a guy--obviously--and I'm bisexual. I am nineteen years old and have been struggling with how to tell my best friend that I love him. I'm even debating whether or not I should.

Let me first begin by saying that I am not sexually attracted to him, as he is a bit younger, and I have been raised not to think of people--even a year younger than me--in a sexual manner. He's about four years younger. I was simply attracted to his personality, his knowledge, and his terrifyingly aged wisdom. I love him with all of my heart, but know--or at least expect--he does not love me in return. And, quite frankly, I can live with that. I feel, however, that by not telling him, I am lying to him. And there is not a secret I hold from him, save for this big one.

Lately I believe our friendship has been dying. I am at his house CONSTANTLY, mainly because I hate my own home and he always wants me over. <--looks pretty good so far, right?

Well, whenever I'm there he's either at school, playing Xbox until bedtime, or sleeping. That, or he's online. It has been months since we spent more time doing other things, like reading together, playing D&d with our other two friends--I know, right?--or even playing airsoft around the property. We go to the movies more now than we ever did, but he always invites another friend, who--in turn--invites yet another friend, who ends up "borrowing" a lot of my money.

Anyway! So yeah. Most of the time spent at his house is either sitting on my laptop at his side, sleeping out of boredom, or tending to the fire while hanging out with his mother downstairs--and she's the greatest mother I've ever met. And I asked him recently if I was becoming a burden, or a bother to him, and he said no, just that I "get annoying when I'm trying to do something."

I fought the urge to bark back "Well, there's never a time when you're NOT doing something that is more important!"

I mean, he spends more time online talking to friends who aren't there more than he does with someone who's sitting right next to him.

Now, he's not gay, and he always says he is not bi. But from what I learned in this open household is that it's open. He has said he finds men attractive, just not sexually. I believe him, but naturally--in my head--I believe that is a lie. We have spoken in hypotheticals. Like, he has asked me what I would do if our other friend fell in love with me, and I said that I would kindly reject him, tell him we were still friends, and that nothing would change, unless he decided it would be too uncomfortable. Then I asked him, and he said that he wouldn't be able to continue staying friends if me or our friends professed their love to him, as it would be too awkward and everything would change.

I don't expect him to love me back. That dream died months ago. I would just really like to tell him how I feel, let him know why I go out of my way to buy him things, cater to his wants and needs, etc., but I'm sort of worried. I know that I risk losing him as a friend, but I don't think I would be able to live without him in my everyday life. I've grown too accustomed to him. He's the kind of guy who acts all apathetic, but deep down I know he'd feel sad if one of his friends was no longer a recurring figure in his life.

I feel as if I'm wasting precious time I could be telling him...because he just grows a bit meaner every day--puberty--and I don't know what to do. He's still my favorite person; he is still the reason I'm always here, at his house...and he's the reason I am fighting whatever is causing me to choke up blood in the cold, dark hours of the night. I don't think there would have been a reason to had I not met him. Life was pretty shitty before him.

I don't know. A friend of mine was talking to him, and she sent me what they spoke about, which sort of makes me think...it also made me a bit sad:

X-friend
Y-love of my life

[ X: "well personally I don't view love in shallow black-and-white terms the way most people seem to. I understand that it's not something we control, and I would still be friends with him knowing that he loved me and I didn't love him back in the same way, because to me you love your boyfriends/girlfriends and parents and siblings and friends all in different ways, but it's still love...it's just the fact that he was basically trying to worship me sexually, and I felt like we couldn't be friends without him trying to make it something like that"

Y: "mmh"

X: "it's perfectly fine though if you're just not ready to make commitments or something like that. I'm sure she'd get that. what about still being friends with her, though? Like...I don't know. I know he probably feels like I led him on somehow just by talking to him. do you think that's leading someone on?"

Y: "i think that if one of my friends regardless of gender told me that they were in love with me and not just the way i love all of my friends but the other way i don't think we could be friends because the relationship wouldnt be the same on either side...not really i think there is a big line between leading someone on and trying to be there friend, but i see how people get the line blurred, like i admit its happened to me more than once. ps i dont mean to impose my view on you its not the same for everyone

X: "I'm not sure if I'd be able to explain this to you, since you don't have much experience...not meaning to insult you or anything, but you're in __ grade. You've got time to think about stuff like this. There's no rush. XD But love basically is something that completely contradicts everything else in human nature. It doesn't follow the same "rules" as everything else does. It essentially isn't something that can be defined. It's still love, even if it takes on a different shape. I could even say that I love Dan, but nothing like the way he obsesses over me. I hate to say it, but the best thing I could relate it to is a motherly feeling. Like wanting to protect someone. Even though I'm not 'interested', and even if it's not in my best interest. I have friends that I would give my life for, for example. I consider that love, even if it's not a "dating" sort whatsoever."

Y: "that to be honest has to be one the best descriptions of love i hvae heard/ read"

X: "It's really the lust part that makes me uncomfortable. and thank you haha"

Y: "yeah i agree there and yeah i dont have close to any experience with that sort of love"

X: "that's basically an abridged version of one aspect of my faith...but yeah."]


Well, there's that. Exclusive conversation between the young man I love and our other best friend, aka my spy. She's a great friend. And she's been helping me deal with this.

I really want an answer. Tell him? Don't? It's going to kill me if I don't, but I just can't think of how to do so.

So please, if you don't all hate me, I am desperate for advice.

« Last Edit: January 29, 2010, 08:44:44 am by TheBrassDuke » Logged

~The Brass Duke~

"What our dreams imagine, our hands create."
malcontentcontent
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I'm in it for the dirt.


« Reply #1252 on: January 29, 2010, 09:32:34 am »

Please don't take this harshly, but I wouldn't tell him.

First, he's young, 15 or so, right?  He's going to change a lot.  How much have you changed in the last few years?  Second, he's said he couldn't continue to be friends with someone who confessed to him if he didn't feel the same way.  If he's important to you, you'll want him in your life.  Confessing to him for your own satisfaction and then making him uncomfortable is a bit selfish (wish I could think of a milder word because "selfish" isn't exactly appropriate).  Third, you've said he's not gay.  That one speaks for itself.  It sucks, but it does all seem a bit hopeless.

You also said you feel your friendship is dying.  Maybe you're spending too much time together.  Take a break from going to his house for a while and I bet things will start to feel fresh again.  I know it's tough advice to hear, but it may work.

Anyway, good luck.  Maybe someone will jump in with more advice.  I wanted to say more, but I'm on my PS3 so I can't type much.
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Lady Corsair
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Professed cook

LiLati
« Reply #1253 on: January 29, 2010, 06:24:40 pm »

Whenever someone comments on my tattoo (without me purposefully showing it to them), I'm always a little confused at first.  Since I don't really see it very often, I forget it's there.  Then I get all excited all over again!   Grin

Anyway, I'm going down to Portland this weekend (where the tattoo artist is), so I might try to make an appointment to talk to him.  Is it bad form to just drop it?  Should I call?

~~
I'm with Mal on this one, Duckie.  It sounds like he's made it clear what would happen if you tell him (perhaps he's gotten a hint of how you feel and was trying to let you know as circumspectly as he could that he didn't reciprocate).  And, he's just a baby!  As in, he'll probably change quite a bit in the next 4 years or so, and he may, eventually, get to a point where he could be OK with your feelings for him (although i wouldn't count my chickens before they hatch, eh?).  But from the chat it sounds like he's more scared of a sexual-type "love," and you said that's not what you're about.  I guess you could explain all about the different types of love (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love), and then tell him that you feel Philia towards him, but not Eros.   Grin

And +1 to taking a little time away from each other.  Do you have another friend's house you can hang out at for a little while, since it sounds like you don't want to be at home?

This issue seems separate, but next time you guys go to the movie with the "borrower" just don't lend him any money!  Say, "oh, I only had cash for my ticket and some popcorn, sorry."  Seems like most places don't take cards.  Or just tell your friend (or his friend) that you really don't want the borrower to come along to the movies with you guys.
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TheBrassDuke
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The Brass Duke


« Reply #1254 on: January 29, 2010, 06:30:32 pm »

Well, thanks, you guys. Help is awesome to find. I have other friends, but I don't see them as much. In fact, I've never gone to their houses without him, so it would be kind of awkward. Undecided

The borrower, I would love to ask for him not to come, but I've always felt it necessary to do as my friends like, so they do not get mad at me. And they enjoy his company, as he's twenty-one, so he can walk them around the mall without the Green Police stopping us every five minutes. I'm fine being nineteen, so they can't do much about me.
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Lady Corsair
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Professed cook

LiLati
« Reply #1255 on: January 29, 2010, 06:42:01 pm »

Well, thanks, you guys. Help is awesome to find. I have other friends, but I don't see them as much. In fact, I've never gone to their houses without him, so it would be kind of awkward. Undecided

The borrower, I would love to ask for him not to come, but I've always felt it necessary to do as my friends like, so they do not get mad at me. And they enjoy his company, as he's twenty-one, so he can walk them around the mall without the Green Police stopping us every five minutes. I'm fine being nineteen, so they can't do much about me.

What are the Green Police?

I suspect that if you point out that this guy ALWAYS borrows your money and never pays you back, and that's why you don't want him coming to the movies, they'll be understanding.  But if not, there's always play B: not having money for him to borrow.  He's a big boy, he should have his own money.  It's not like he's a school kid like the others.
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Frau Tankgerhausen
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The miss with love for giant weapons.


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« Reply #1256 on: January 30, 2010, 11:42:30 pm »

Sometimes, life can give you lemons and you only realise a year later you have to make lemonade of them.

A year ago I met a guy with a really big camera at a really small anime-convention, who happened to be in the same academy I was at the time.
Together with some friends I already made there we became a group of best friends. Apart from the other girls though, he and I became what I considered best friends.We could talk about anything, and had a really silly way of understanding eachother sometimes. He even began to trust me at some point, wich seemed like a pretty big something to him.
I've had feelings for him a few times, but I've pushed those away, with the idea our friendship would be ruined if I even told him. And besides that, I've had feelings I've considered love-feelings before towards some of my male-friends, finding out later it wasn't like that and sometimes hurting my friends pretty badly.
Only, a few days ago after watching "the men who stare at goats" at the cinema, I found out he has feelings for me,too!
Such a strange thing, dating your best friend...

I believe I have some strange curse on me where I can't be single for more than a month. Roll Eyes
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Plastic parts and glue,
doing everything I can do,
to build the steambears.<3

....How hyu gun get him to do dat?
Acheron
Zeppelin Captain
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Sweden Sweden


Bastard Man powers, activate! Form of Freud!


« Reply #1257 on: February 01, 2010, 12:01:03 am »

HAHA! That's a joke right?! I mean....right?  Shocked

Certainly not. Have a listen to Robert Carlyle for one.

Most Swedes have a tough time with the distinctions between Irish, not-quite-Scouse and Liverpudlian. Of the three though, I enjoy Liverpudlian most simply because it's... Well, it just has this nice, slightly tipsy tang to it without being exaggerated. Easy on the palate, and like Scottish it only gets easier to speak the more drink you have.
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Acheron
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Bastard Man powers, activate! Form of Freud!


« Reply #1258 on: February 01, 2010, 05:50:48 pm »

Hey, the same thing goes through my mind when I see a cute guy.
If he's with friends, I don't bother approaching him until he's alone, heh.
So damn intimidating....

Not a good approach.

Besides, in my experience it's not guys who cluster up and 'shut out' others. If ever we talk it's about something generally engaging where we're welcoming of any other input or knowledge, mostly because if ever we speak of 'personal' things anywhere so much as moderately public, we give the very clear impression that there is a personal space which is not to be invaded.

Now, girls who go out to drink in 'teams' and sit down all around one table... Far from 'intimidating', but all the harder to approach. There are entire essays and lectures on how to prise a woman away from her friends for this very reason. And if they are there for the purpose of finding guys, or are at least open to the possibility and hopeful, then it's entirely counterproductive. Tongue
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Utini420
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it is OK to tell me when its time to shut up


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« Reply #1259 on: February 01, 2010, 06:21:02 pm »

I hate Valentines day -- so fake and arbitrary, and sort of insulting, as if the other 364 days are less appropriate for love and romance?  And if you didn't remind us once a year (and coat the TV in advertisements for dead plants and compressed carbon) we'd forget about the ladies all together?  Not. A. Fan.

The thing with clusters of guys is, if the "target dude," has both any sense at all and any desire to hook up with anyone, he'll have the good sense to get the hell away from his friends.  Or maybe not and that's a me thing, but no one is better at saying something they are sure is the funniest thing ever at precisely the wrong time as your good party buddies.  


If I were a lady looking to pry a guy away from his buddies,
I'd suddenly remember something I left in the car (my car, or whatever car I showed up in) that I needed to fetch (it could be your friends change purse for all it matters, he won't know which girly crap is yours and which is your great aunts.).  And, given the day and age we live in, no guy worth his salt is going to think twice about a lady asking for an escort to her vehicle.  If anything (again, if he's got any sense) he'll see it as a chance to show his gentlemanly virtue.  Instant alone time, from the bar (or whatever) to the car, maybe loiter a bit, and who knows, its such a nice night, wanna take a walk?

I've actually turned that around, and told a lady I was afraid to go out alone in the city at night, and would she escort me to my car.  Perhaps because of the obvious joke me the kung fu guy asking a waify dancer to protect him, it worked.  Cool
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AlandraD
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« Reply #1260 on: February 01, 2010, 06:45:02 pm »

I had a date planned last friday, then got terribly sick (throat, tummy, aches), so called to reschedule. But as i was laying about I started thinking how much i really dislike Dating (the 'random strangers eating in awkward silence and trying to not make fools of themselves' bit). I've a history of dating people I'm already friends with, but this is a new place and I've not got that luxury. Any advice for someone who's use to  "hanging out playing video games and deciding you rather fancy eachother and deciding to date, then continue playing video games" to help them adjust to the normal "strangers masticating" way of dating?
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CorneliaCarton
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« Reply #1261 on: February 01, 2010, 06:53:55 pm »

Hey, the same thing goes through my mind when I see a cute guy.
If he's with friends, I don't bother approaching him until he's alone, heh.
So damn intimidating....

Not a good approach.

Besides, in my experience it's not guys who cluster up and 'shut out' others. If ever we talk it's about something generally engaging where we're welcoming of any other input or knowledge, mostly because if ever we speak of 'personal' things anywhere so much as moderately public, we give the very clear impression that there is a personal space which is not to be invaded.

Now, girls who go out to drink in 'teams' and sit down all around one table... Far from 'intimidating', but all the harder to approach. There are entire essays and lectures on how to prise a woman away from her friends for this very reason. And if they are there for the purpose of finding guys, or are at least open to the possibility and hopeful, then it's entirely counterproductive. Tongue

Oh, I still do it, but it feels like I'm jumping into a lion pit, heh.
I should be terrified of air Krakens, but trying to talk to cute guys terrifies me....
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Ginny Audriana Irondust Moravia. Pleased t' meet ya.
Reni Valentine
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see here, Gus - nobody chaperones the chaperone

Reni_Valentine
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« Reply #1262 on: February 01, 2010, 07:37:18 pm »

I'm with Cybele on this one. S/he who hesitates...I can't finish that here - my mouth has a way of getting me into trouble.

I can understand the issue of approaching a group. Imagine what it's like to be a girl who is fairly consistently surrounded by burly, surly tattooed gents! It's a miracle I ever get chatted up!

On the subject of Villaintimes day - I think it's cute. Yes, I know it's a fictitious horrorday, but it's still adorable! I can't recall ever having a valentine with whom I don't share DNA though. It's nice - I get papers covered in glitter and glue, burnt toast (last year I got the worst coffee ever!). We spend hours deciding whether to make cards or buy them, and who gets the biggest one.

I told a certain someone the other day to think outside the box. It's an easy thing to enjoy as a single and without the pressure to perform - or pay - that couples feel.
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cybele13
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« Reply #1263 on: February 01, 2010, 08:29:52 pm »

Take a bit of playground wisdom and use it when it comes to chatting up members of the XX or XY teams - they're usually more afraid of you than you are of them.

I will always give a gentleman the thumbs up for approaching a desirable female, especially if she is traveling in a pack. We females will all head off to the bathroom together, so it can't be easy for a bloke to work up the nerve to speak to one of us. Males of the species, on the other hand, are so much easier to separate and isolate.

Why we women are conditioned to wait for the guy to break the ice is beyond me. I have yet to run across a man who thinks I'm stepping over some sort of line for speaking to him first, buying him a drink, or whatever. Life is too short to sit back and wait for anything.

 
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"Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft!"  ~ Theodore Roosevelt
TribalWren
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« Reply #1264 on: February 01, 2010, 09:56:13 pm »

Please ma'am! I have much more honor than that.... =)

>banshee screeching< ¬¬ You have much more WHAT? *mumbles 'our' not 'or'*  Wink Grin Kiss You get points for using ma'am Americanism though... *cough..so cute*!  Grin

What I did one valentines was just get a whole bunch of mates together (some in couples, some single) and just hang out altogether at a bar and have a good time without the icky romance stuff. It was a blast! I reccommend for you Sir!
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TheBrassDuke
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« Reply #1265 on: February 02, 2010, 07:01:45 am »

His assumptions led him to corner me with another friend there and forced me to tell him I loved him! Good news? He knows!

BAD news? Well, he misunderstood it! I'll have to try again later!

But at least we're still friends!!!!!!!!
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Reni Valentine
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see here, Gus - nobody chaperones the chaperone

Reni_Valentine
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« Reply #1266 on: February 02, 2010, 07:05:54 am »

Duckie! Baby! If nothing else at least it's out there... Only the best, sweetest, only the best...
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TheBrassDuke
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The Brass Duke


« Reply #1267 on: February 02, 2010, 07:15:55 am »

Yeah. Well, it occured to me I made a terrible mistake Friday night by telling my one friend that I did not want to date his cheating mother because I was "devoted solely to someone else", and...well, the person I'm in love with was sitting right next to me as I spoke into the microphone. Good lord I am an ass; a stupid ass, at that. So yeah. We are all together on Saturday night, playing D&d for the first time in months--YAY!!!--and we eventually go off topic (as usual), and James--oops, I said his name--is like "So yeah, who's the person you love?" And I had told the other friend the previous evening...and he's like "just tell him, I mean, he's gonna figure it out sooner or later..."

So I said it.

After ten or twenty long minutes of fighting them so I didn't have to. But I did. Finally.

And, well, he's like ".........what."

And I couldn't explain, what with my head spinning from being forced into a corner and whatnot, so yeah. It was all muddled, confused, etc. and he dragged in my two other friends, as well as the one who was already there. And they continuedconfusing it by insisting that it was a sexual love, as well as emotional, to fulfill their fanfiction fantasies! And so I tried explaining, over and over, how I wanted to be in a relationship with him, while still maintaining our friendship, but I didn't want it to be sexual. And he would have been creeped out and beaten me senseless had I said I wanted it to be.

The thing is, he doesn't believe/or understand that physical love, as well as emotional love, does not have to involve sex. And I was like, what if I just wanted to hold onto you a lot, tell you I loved you, and whatnot?

Well, he assumed that only sexual lovers and siblings did that and whatnot. So he only thinks I love him as a really good friend and cvalled me stupid for "making it look like some big, dramatic production".

How do I tell him I want to be his boyfriend without it being a sexual thing? Like those Christian abstinent group people...only without the promised After-Marriage sex? I mean, maybe ten years from now, if this situation was happening, maybe sex would be involved...but

Fuck. I don't know. Sorry for the language.
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Reni Valentine
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see here, Gus - nobody chaperones the chaperone

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« Reply #1268 on: February 02, 2010, 07:31:19 am »

Right now I think it best to take a step back to let everything process. Your outing - no pun intended - sounds to have been pretty stressful for all the major players. It also sounds like you're both a little overwhelmed by it all. Although I rarely advocate it, in this moment I think you should take a moment to clear the proverbial clutter. Once he's able to get the other voices/opinions out of his mind, I think he'll be more apt to listen to what you have to say.
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TheBrassDuke
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The Brass Duke


« Reply #1269 on: February 02, 2010, 09:00:18 am »

Reni, dear, thank you so much. You've helped. I am going to try patching up all of the broken pieces of my confession that seemed to fall apart on this fateful evening and then proceed to retry when the air has cleaned.

Honestly--don't take this the wrong way, people--but, if you knew him, fell in love with him? I don't think you could go on without him.

...I know I couldn't.
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Utini420
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it is OK to tell me when its time to shut up


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« Reply #1270 on: February 02, 2010, 05:07:44 pm »

Damn.  I kinda wish I'd spoken up sooner.  I'd have told you to shut your mouth.

See, when that situation played out in my circles it was at college, and I was that other guy.  Some details were different (he definitely wanted sex, as a for instance) but the big picture parts were pretty similar.  I think me and James might see more in common about the situation though than you and Dude (which I'll call the other guy in this tale) might, because for both of us, we were just chillin', hanging out with our good bud (best friends in our case) and then BLAM!  Impact with the drama rocket.  For someone who hasn't yet decided that they are less perfectly straight it is a serious mindfuck to find out your best friend (who's a dude) is in love with you.  It rattles lots of mental trees, ya know?

I'm not saying feelings should be bottled up, but damn, you gotta handle that one delicately.  In my experience it started more or less like yours, just hanging out and then the big ball drops, and then what?  Well, this part is why I'd have told you to play it easy.  For us, he couldn't accept that I didn't want a relationship with him (and to get into the details of what he wanted, what I did and didn't want, and why, is just a bit more personal than I'm ready to get on here just yet.  Suffice to say, he wouldn't have been satisfied with a taste, he'd have wanted a meal.  Think long and hard about what you want before you ask anything of him, if you're asking for less than you really want because you're trying to take it easy on him it will smell like bullshit and scare the hell out of him).  Given that he was in love and I just wanted to be friends (in the truest sense of the word, did all kinds of shit together) he really had a hard time hanging out with him.  Like the fox who finds the grapes just out of reach, he soon tries to tell him self he didn't really want them.  Or, in human terms, "Dude, I love you so much I can't stand to be near you and not have you."

And that's the part where it gets ugly.  Remember, from my point of view I was such a good friend that my friend couldn't be friends any more.  Oh, and neither could any of our mutual friends, that would have just led to us hanging out more, right?  Long story short, by the time it was all said and done he'd twisted every shared relationship around this issue.  A few folks (the most Maxim-reading straight guys I knew) decided he was a silly faggot and didn't want to talk to him any more (maybe 1/5 of the folks I hung out with fell into this group.)  EVERYONE else either got sick of the drama and didn't want to associate with either of us or, more likely, pretty much took his side.  Some of you may remember me saying I had to be told (again, and again, and again) that it's against the rules to sleep with your friends?  This is when that point got kinda driven home: he went through all our mutual friends and, on the basis of weather I had or had not slept with them, made them angry at me for that choice, regardless of which way it went (the ones I didn't sleep with were either mad because I slept with them or because I stopped sleeping with them, and the ones I didn't sleep with were mad either because of someone who I did sleep with, or because they didn't get any).  This does strange things to your ego, by the way -- on the one hand, the whole world appears to revolve around your pants, and on the other all your friends have abandoned you.

The end result was that my social life was destroyed for a year; (I stayed in classes at that university, but built a new social system at another) friendships were lost that, in some cases, were never repaired (it was about 10 years before I spoke to Kip again, and then only online); and I closed the book on a rather interesting chapter of my life that I'd not look at again until years later. 

I don't know if there's any advice in there or anything useful to your present situation.  Maybe I'll figure out how to make a point out of that mess later, but for now, there's my story.  I guess I hope it helps you see things from James's point of view. 
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TribalWren
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« Reply #1271 on: February 02, 2010, 09:19:28 pm »

Okey-dokey! I feel the need for some 'cruel to be kind' in this instance. Sorry Duckie love! I think you're awesome but the one phrase that popped up in my head after I read your post was this: "Back off." I will try to explain this....

And so I tried explaining, over and over, how I wanted to be in a relationship with him, while still maintaining our friendship, but I didn't want it to be sexual. And he would have been creeped out and beaten me senseless had I said I wanted it to be.

I refer you to type in bold. What does this say about this person? a) it means he's not really old enough to be in any serious relationship if sex-talk 'creeps him out'. b) it means that it's not the 'sex' that creeps him out it's the 'gay sex'. In which case I say...if he is straight then he's straight. There is nothing you can do/say to change that fact and if you really want to maintain the friendship- back off. It's not cool to challenge someone about their sexuality, particularly someone so young who is dealing with hormonal changes anyway.  

Well, he assumed that only sexual lovers and siblings did that and whatnot. So he only thinks I love him as a really good friend and called me stupid for "making it look like some big, dramatic production".

I'm gonna be harsh here and say actually you weren't 'backed into a corner' at all....that 'dramatic production' phrase seems to have some truth in it babe. You didn't have to discuss this is a public setting, you made that choice, and now you have probably made things very awkward for him....not the most sensitive thing you could have done for someone you care about, hey? If he has taken your words to mean 'love' in the friendship case it may well be that he is trying to maintain the friendship between you without hurting you by letting you down publically....again- back off. If he feels anything for you then let him come to that realisation himself. If you really DO care for him then give him space and don't try and raise the issue again. Then it begins to feel like 'bullying' or 'pestering' and it means that you are not thinking of HIM, you are thiking of yourself. Actions sometimes speak louder than words.

How do I tell him I want to be his boyfriend without it being a sexual thing? Like those Christian abstinent group people...only without the promised After-Marriage sex? I mean, maybe ten years from now, if this situation was happening, maybe sex would be involved...but

Again, it is my feeling that if someone does not understand the inevitable physical aspect of being in a relationship...they do not have the maturity to handle a relationship anyway. I also get the impression that you are 'grabbing at straws'. Relationships tend to be all or nothing. If there isn't any sexual attraction for you on his part...then...well it's kinda obvious isn't it? What you really have to decide is how important is your friendship with him? Is it worth losing for the fact that you can't accept he isn't interested in forming a romantic relationship?

Sorry if not *supportive* in the way that you were looking for...but for me, if you love someone you consider THAT person's feelings and put them first. Maybe just something to reflect upon? >hug< Wren x  Smiley
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Acheron
Zeppelin Captain
*****
Sweden Sweden


Bastard Man powers, activate! Form of Freud!


« Reply #1272 on: February 02, 2010, 09:21:06 pm »

I'm with Utini on this one; as I said before, 'those you want to love but cannot, you hate'.

I've personally not been subject to this sort of imposition, but I suspect that this is more due to the chaos of my personal life and certain difficulties rather than a lack of interest. My close friend Robert found himself as the James in your situation though, on one occasion, which was particularly difficult for him since he's as straight as a calliper. That case went bad rather fast.

Then there's also the fact that you insist on your interest being non-sexual. This likely presents a serious problem, not just because of the weird emphasis it will put on things if you phrase it wrong, but also if you want him to return your interest perfectly in kind, and this includes expecting him to be 'faithful' to you. I'm not about to say anything about your views on sexuality, mostly due to a lack of perspective, but I think that most young men enjoy their freedom to unwind and find most arbitrary restrictions rather pointless...

Either way, I can't offer you my sympathies, however some good wishes won't hurt, I guess...
« Last Edit: February 02, 2010, 09:23:11 pm by Acheron » Logged
TheBrassDuke
Gunner
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United States United States


The Brass Duke


« Reply #1273 on: February 03, 2010, 12:25:04 am »

To all of you...I throw down my monocle and thank you sincerely. You have opened my eyes to new experiences, perspectives, and ways of thinking. I have learned so much about even James through your words, and I now know what I must do. I am going to back off. Again, my friends...you have done so much for me with these posts. I don't know how to thank any of you. Maybe at the next meeting of Steampunks...I shall bring the WAGON of COOKIES...It's sad, but true. I've got one. We make a lot of cookies...
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Utini420
Zeppelin Admiral
******
United States United States


it is OK to tell me when its time to shut up


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« Reply #1274 on: February 03, 2010, 08:40:05 pm »

Man, does anyone else feel like their game curls up and goes into hybernation during the winter months?
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