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Author Topic: possibly nsfw, a poem  (Read 688 times)
Salty Carruthers
Deck Hand
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


« on: February 04, 2014, 12:10:58 pm »

There's almost some bad language in it, so the nsfw's up just to be on the safe side.
Didn't turn out as steampunk as I'd intended, but I got some plate iron and physicists in there!

THE IRON-PLATED KING
a chilling morality tale about hubris or something
by Salty Carruthers

The King went to the swimming pool
in sturdy shorts of iron plate,
despite the many warnings that
he got about his likely fate

“The Laws of Physics can't rule me,
I am the King, I rule all things!
The nerve of them, audacity!
To try to place a law on kings!”

The physicists in every town
around the land were rounded up
and told, “It be the guillotine
for those of you who don't shut up!”

The King, at least, was happy then
sedition crushed and power restored
but yes-men everywhere were dull
he realized, “Oh man, I'm bored!”

That's when the King began to brew
the seed of his own undoing
A novel whim it seemed to him
the man who could do anything

A little dip in shorts unique
would liven up his dreary realm
and what would stun his subjects more
than shorts as tough as any helm?

I'm sure you've guessed what happened to
this king who thought himself to be
above those laws that rule us all
like magnetics and gravity

there's probably some moral here
a difference between wrong and right
but f**ked if I can work it out
so off I go, thank you, goodnight
Logged
RodDuncan
Gunner
**
United Kingdom United Kingdom



« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2014, 05:43:12 pm »

Cheesy This made me chuckle. Beautifully done.
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Salty Carruthers
Deck Hand
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2014, 10:50:48 pm »

Thank you, sir, I didn't anticipate such a positive reply! I find it impossible to judge my own stuff
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RodDuncan
Gunner
**
United Kingdom United Kingdom



« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2014, 11:11:35 pm »

Judging your own writing is always the hardest thing.

For people working on developing their writing I always recommend getting involved in critiquing other people's work, such as in a writing circle or a structured workshop organised by a tutor. Seeing other people's work objectively is always an easier task. Eventually we develop enough objectivity to look at our own - but that takes time. I'm still working on it Smiley
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Salty Carruthers
Deck Hand
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2014, 01:21:40 am »

That's very helpful advice, thank you
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Sorontar
Zeppelin Admiral
******
Australia Australia


All ideas should have wings


WWW
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2014, 02:56:32 am »

I liked it. My only criticism is the final verse. The meaning and message is good, but the style doesn't quite match the rest of the poem. I was expecting a pun or something as a punchline, not swearing.

However, if this was performance poetry, then it might work better. It would depend who preformed it and under what context they performed it.

Sorontar
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Sorontar, Captain of 'The Aethereal Dancer'
Advisor to HM Engineers on matters aethereal, aeronautic and cosmographic
http://eyrie.sorontar.com
Salty Carruthers
Deck Hand
*
United Kingdom United Kingdom


« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2014, 11:16:54 am »

Thank you for your comments, Sorontar, I agree, I'll work on that ending
Logged
Will Howard
Zeppelin Admiral
******
United States United States



« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2014, 02:27:07 am »

Would applying refrigerator magnets be considered treason?
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"I'm a Barbarian by choice, not ancestry..."
MWBailey
Rogue Ætherlord
*
United States United States


"This is the sort of thing no-one ever believes"

rtafStElmo
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2014, 03:34:42 am »

Would applying refrigerator magnets be considered treason?



Depends on the magnets...
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Walk softly and carry a big banjo...

""quid statis aspicientes in infernum"
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