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Author Topic: Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc  (Read 47551 times)
J. Wilhelm
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« Reply #1500 on: February 22, 2017, 11:18:48 am »

In vain. Have to say:  morning wiser than the evening

Brew mint. Or drink a glass of warm milk

Will do the second one.  Grin
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morozow
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« Reply #1501 on: February 22, 2017, 11:26:04 am »

Damn translator.

mint to brew with boiling water. as the tea.

Not make peppermint moonshine.
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Sorry for the errors, rudeness and stupidity. It's not me, this online translator. Really convenient?
J. Wilhelm
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« Reply #1502 on: February 22, 2017, 11:44:51 am »

No but Peppermint Moonshine sounds like a great idea!  Grin
« Last Edit: February 22, 2017, 11:46:37 am by J. Wilhelm » Logged
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« Reply #1503 on: February 22, 2017, 12:19:57 pm »

Damn translator.

mint to brew with boiling water. as the tea.

Not make peppermint moonshine.

No but Peppermint Moonshine sounds like a great idea!  Grin

Creme De Menthe?
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J. Wilhelm
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« Reply #1504 on: February 22, 2017, 10:39:42 pm »

I'm in a bit of panic at the moment. I WANT TO DIE!!! I don't know what to do... Well, how can I put this?

Let's start with the background...


I don't know how many of you know that I've been trying to get a hold of a lady whom I met 2.5 years ago, and who is a customer at the place where I work. This is very menial work I do, while I wait for some sort of miracle whereby I find a technical job that will more closely match my abilities.

She's a government relations exec at a large pharmaceutical, and she would often get stationed in New York City, splitting her time between New York and Austin, where her elderly mother lives. She's about 38-39, and graduated in Communication on a different college about the same time I got my first Masters in Engineering in 1999. Although I should note that I'm 48, probably 8-9 years her senior, neither of us look our age, each of us easily looking at least 10 years or even likely younger, relative to our real age.

Both of us have had to deal with taking care of an elderly widowed parent. From my conversations with her mother and herself, I gathered that she loved the "Big Apple" (NY City). While not crazy about a Mega City, I was raised in Mexico City, which is closer to Tokyo both in size and character, but also similar to New York - so I totally get where she's coming from. She gives me the impression that she is lonely and her life is dominated by work and her mother. So I though we have a couple of things in common. We have common pain. Perhaps the difference is that while I was raised in the big city, she was longing to live in the big city - does that make sense?

Anyhow I've been meaning to ask her out just to talk since early last year.

But after I started getting serious fancying her, she was gone to New York for most of 2016, so I could not talk to her at all. She was sent to New York where she was given a luxurious apartment by the company. Her mother conveyed to me that she was worried about her and told me even once that she had been assaulted (robbed) in the street, and that indeed she suffered physical trauma to the head during the robbery. Something that alarmed me and I really did not want to hear, but sadly, whether it is Mexico City or New York, that is the reality of living in a large mega city, especially if you don't know what you're getting into (I'm sure Tokyo may involve some risk too, but unless you cross the Yakuza - I'd bet Tokyo is infinitely safer than either Mexico or NY  Grin)  

Now, my work place, being a fast paced business behind the counter, it was impossible for me (certainly not impossible for younger co-workers), to talk to her for any prolonged period of time. And months would usually pass before we could see each other, if not entire seasons as it happened last year.

So when her mother told me that she was returning permanently to Austin, and when she came back in November and told me that she'd be back permanently in January (he wanted to experience Christmas in New York City) I though to myself It's be a great idea to take her out for Valentine's Day. So early in February, I wrote a letter, thinking that it'd be easier to hand her the message outside the shop or over the counter - not to mention a more romantic gesture.

I did my best with that letter. As gentle as I could be. Letting me shine like the gentlemen of old, if I say so myself. While I can do calligraphy, my penmanship is non-existent, so I searched for the most beautiful font I could find on the net.


I quickly fabricated an origami budding  rose with stem and leaf which I fashioned from construction paper, spray lacquer and an a little tree branch I found in my garden. I bought a small bag of chocolates, and carefully planned how to give it to her. For about two weeks, I carried the blasted rose, letter and chocolates in my backpack. But she was taking her time picking up all of the $200 worth of items at the shop (I'm not revealing my workplece for safety reasons - let's just say it's service industry, a very "clean" business"  Roll Eyes very mundane work and you have to purchase a lot in the shop to have a $200 ticket  Undecided ) Then when I saw that the rose was getting battered by the third week of carrying it my backpack, I fashioned a cardboard box which could fit the rose letter and chocolate.

By last weekend, I was so discouraged about the whole thing, I started thinking that she had left for New York again. I mean - the last time I had seen her was one month ago.  I dodn't want to call her on the phone we have listed, for fear of looking like a stalker. Business is business yes? And carrying the box ended up being far more cumbersome, and today after one 1/3 weeks of the stupid box under my arms, I forgot the box at my place before getting to the bus stop.

While waiting for the bus, I realized I had forgotten the box at my place, and I asked myself "what is the probability that she'll show up today?" Very low right? I mean she leaves for months, and even when she's here she only comes in about once per month. So I risk it and not bring the box. Right? I almost returned for the box today - I could have taken the next bus even if it meant me having to walk for 30 minutes (home to bust stop is 15 minutes) just to get it.

But when I was eating my lunch around 2pm before my shift at the supermarket next door, I started thinking... "No way! this is like washing your car, right? You know you're going to get rained on." With my luck you KNOW this is going to happen.

Today I had to send a monthly tax payment instalment at the Post office, and I realized I had a .PDF file in the flash drive in my pocket with the complete letter, fully formatted. So I rushed by the Post Office, went to the annex and asked them to print the letter again. Stuffed it in a yellow envelope, I placed the letter in my backpack - no rose no chocolates - just as a backup plan - in case she shows up. I did manage to take 5 minutes to do some calligraphy on the envelope - her name in Gothic / Fraktur font, as she's of German descent (German Texan). I did not use the title "Frau" because that's be way too cheesy already  Roll Eyes Grin

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? As sure as the sun rises, the day when I forgot the letter and the rose, she shows up. At 5 O'clock. Right in my face, when I have a long line of customers and I'm the only employee behind the counter. Did I call it or what? There's a lot of items I have to carry to her car. So I quickly grab the yellow envelope and keep it with me until I place the last item inside her car.

My mind went blank. My lips were numb. I was very nervous but was also very resolute, I pressed on.

"Ms. Xxxxx, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. I have known you for 2 1.2 years now, and there something I have written in this letter." In the meantime there's 3 customers waiting in line inside the store. In my mind I was smiling to her, but for all I know I came across as Sasquatch or Chthulu, because after saying that she said "what is this?" as I handed the letter to her. "You're scaring me" she said halfway smiling. My heart sank. I still kept smiling (or smirking, I don't know). Repeting one of the meany scenarios I had practised weeks ago in my head, I just said "Please read the letter, you don;t have to give me an answer right away."

At which point while still smiling I went back inside and continued tending the customers. My arms and legs were made of Jello. I knew I had screwed up big time. Did I scare her?  Sad Will she complain to my boss tomorrow?  Undecided Is she scared?  Huh Maybe she doesn't even know what a love letter is? Roll Eyes Dis I just come across like Hannibal Lechter?  Tongue Did she hear in her mind that line from Silence of the Lambs: "She rubs the lotion on the skin"   Shocked

I don't know if this is good or bad. I have no way of knowing what I really did. I haven't heard from her at all today - which I guess is normal since I told her that she didn't have to reply right away. But... Do you really think I'm going to sleep tonight?

OH MY GOD! I'M DYING HERE! PLEASE FELLOW BRASSGOGGLERS PLEEASE! I NEED SOME SAGE ADVICE. SOME WORDS OF COMFORT. OR AT LEAST A MERCY BULLET IN THE HEAD TO END MY SUFFERING! GAH!  Undecided Embarrassed Cry

Does anyone have any suggestions about what to do in this situation? Because right now I'm on pins and needles. I mean, am I so anachronistic that what I need to do is go on Tinder and ask if anyone "fancies a shag" and just forget about any pretensions of love? That'd be ridiculous. I feel like an idiot.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #1505 on: February 23, 2017, 12:02:30 am »

breathe deep,

what you are feeling is the natural vulnerability that comes from expressing your feelings to somebody whose opinions matter to you.

Some people love this feeling like daredevils love walking on the wings of a plane or cliff diving.

What seems to be happening in your case is it's wired itself into anxiety and your fight or flight response.

Your brain is coming up with ways this could destroy you, and pulling the same trick that tells a lotto player that tomorrow they might be rich. It's a possibility but it's as likely as getting struck by lightening.

Is is possible that she's scared by the things you expressed to her, maybe. I'd break it down as such. Is touched you have feelings for her and has feelings in return, appreciates the feelings but hadn't even given it thought until you brought it up but could imagine giving it a chance, appreciates the feelings and hadn't even considered it before and is not in a place to do so now but doesn't see it as a negative experience, she likes you but doesn't feel for you like that and doesn't know how not to break your heart and risk losing somebody she values because she can't meet the expectations, or she is just not that into you.

as an engineer run the numbers. Now lets do a bit of sociology. Odds that she doesn't like you and will respond in a hostile manner seem to be next to nil. because frankly people don't generally take the time to work out the best way to act hostile and aggressive about it. It would generally be see what you had to say, throw it back in your face immediately and make a big scene to crush you but good so they don't have to live in time and space where there is any misunderstanding for one second longer than it takes to crush it. They value their time and space too much to allow somebody else to exist in it longer than a second.

Seeing as how you didn't get a storm in and a yelling at within minutes, that likelyhood decreases exponentially with every passing day.

Run those numbers again taking that into account.

now your biggest concern really is the middle field of two people risking hurting and being hurt by each other and not wanting that to happen.

which to be frank, is kind of the bulk of human relationships.

I'm sure it feels torturous but give it space and time. Think of it like a seed. You've got to give time to grow. Whether it's because somebody is going through big life changes right now and adding a new thing to the list just isn't possible for them right then, or somebody had written off thinking they could ever be in a stable relationship and now somebody wants what they think can never be possible, sometimes the possibilty just scares them too, even if they would be willing they could be too scared of it not turning out to work and not willing to face that in the end.

you've been open and vulnerable, in order to tell somebody they are special, and that is a hard thing to do. You want to feel like it was something to pay off for you in the end. And it can if you are willing to allow it to be a chance to learn how to be vulnerable, open, and explore relationship opportunities and how to be patient and understanding when the other half of those situations are out of your control.
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« Reply #1506 on: February 23, 2017, 01:54:23 am »

breathe deep,

what you are feeling is the natural vulnerability that comes from expressing your feelings to somebody whose opinions matter to you.

Some people love this feeling like daredevils love walking on the wings of a plane or cliff diving.

What seems to be happening in your case is it's wired itself into anxiety and your fight or flight response.

Your brain is coming up with ways this could destroy you, and pulling the same trick that tells a lotto player that tomorrow they might be rich. It's a possibility but it's as likely as getting struck by lightening.

Is is possible that she's scared by the things you expressed to her, maybe. I'd break it down as such. Is touched you have feelings for her and has feelings in return, appreciates the feelings but hadn't even given it thought until you brought it up but could imagine giving it a chance, appreciates the feelings and hadn't even considered it before and is not in a place to do so now but doesn't see it as a negative experience, she likes you but doesn't feel for you like that and doesn't know how not to break your heart and risk losing somebody she values because she can't meet the expectations, or she is just not that into you.

as an engineer run the numbers. Now lets do a bit of sociology. Odds that she doesn't like you and will respond in a hostile manner seem to be next to nil. because frankly people don't generally take the time to work out the best way to act hostile and aggressive about it. It would generally be see what you had to say, throw it back in your face immediately and make a big scene to crush you but good so they don't have to live in time and space where there is any misunderstanding for one second longer than it takes to crush it. They value their time and space too much to allow somebody else to exist in it longer than a second.

Seeing as how you didn't get a storm in and a yelling at within minutes, that likelyhood decreases exponentially with every passing day.

Run those numbers again taking that into account.

now your biggest concern really is the middle field of two people risking hurting and being hurt by each other and not wanting that to happen.

which to be frank, is kind of the bulk of human relationships.

I'm sure it feels torturous but give it space and time. Think of it like a seed. You've got to give time to grow. Whether it's because somebody is going through big life changes right now and adding a new thing to the list just isn't possible for them right then, or somebody had written off thinking they could ever be in a stable relationship and now somebody wants what they think can never be possible, sometimes the possibilty just scares them too, even if they would be willing they could be too scared of it not turning out to work and not willing to face that in the end.

you've been open and vulnerable, in order to tell somebody they are special, and that is a hard thing to do. You want to feel like it was something to pay off for you in the end. And it can if you are willing to allow it to be a chance to learn how to be vulnerable, open, and explore relationship opportunities and how to be patient and understanding when the other half of those situations are out of your control.

Thank you! Actually that really makes me feel better.
You are right on the fight /flight response.

No storming and yelling is good.   Cheesy  When I've been rejected in the past it didn't involve kicking and screaming, so to speak, but the answer was invariably instantaneous, within a minute or so.

Funny what you mention on numbers. If you're curious, about it, if I were to peg an engineering analysis on what you just wrote, then that would correspond to a Weibull statistical analysis (reliability of systems)  Grin I guess she does not correspond to early failure <=> design error  Grin

The odds are she's thinking about it and that is good enough for me. I'm not so afraid of being rejected as I somehow expect it. My impression is that I totally caught her off guard. Can she be shy? I'd say so, considering what her mum told me, and her single status.

Oh well. I need to be realistic, I'm old enough to handle it either way.

Thanks, Rovingjack  Smiley
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Mme. Ratchet
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« Reply #1507 on: February 23, 2017, 09:11:12 pm »

I've been very frustrated as of late with a mounting number of things, and it's starting to affect my quality of life (negatively). I am unconvinced that airing my frustrations will help, but I am wanting to know if you lot would be willing to hear me out
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J. Wilhelm
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« Reply #1508 on: February 24, 2017, 06:43:24 am »

breathe deep... *snip *... out of your control.

Well.  The deed is done. Out of control sounds about right. I'm just a spectator.

I just got a very short and polite Email from her, telling me that she is in a relationship with someone else.

Also, today I got scolded by my boss for working 2hrs overtime yesterday, when I'm working alone covering for an employee who just quit. I was planning to ask for a raise today.

I'm relieved that she replied to me. At least I didn't get thrown out in the first few minutes as is usually the custom.

I need a new job and a new reason to live. I don't know how to feel right now. I'm very numb. It's times like this that make me feel like I'm not wanted anywhere and I don't know why or for what purpose I'm being kept alive. I have no purpose for myself.

I've been very frustrated as of late with a mounting number of things, and it's starting to affect my quality of life (negatively). I am unconvinced that airing my frustrations will help, but I am wanting to know if you lot would be willing to hear me out

Please forgive me Mme Ratchet, I'm not trying to overshadow you. This is just a very bad day for me. Otherwise feel free to vent as you please.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2017, 06:45:54 am by J. Wilhelm » Logged
rovingjack
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« Reply #1509 on: February 24, 2017, 11:48:37 pm »

I've been very frustrated as of late with a mounting number of things, and it's starting to affect my quality of life (negatively). I am unconvinced that airing my frustrations will help, but I am wanting to know if you lot would be willing to hear me out
wanting to be heard is a sign that on some level it will help you to not keep it bottled up, so you should know this is a safe space to be open and work through your thoughts with others who will try to do what they can to help ease some of the burden if they can.


I just got a very short and polite Email from her, telling me that she is in a relationship with someone else.

Also, today I got scolded by my boss for working 2hrs overtime yesterday, when I'm working alone covering for an employee who just quit. I was planning to ask for a raise today.

I'm relieved that she replied to me. At least I didn't get thrown out in the first few minutes as is usually the custom.

I need a new job and a new reason to live. I don't know how to feel right now. I'm very numb. It's times like this that make me feel like I'm not wanted anywhere and I don't know why or for what purpose I'm being kept alive. I have no purpose for myself.

nope, you need to seperate these things. I know when things hurt us it feel like every thing else just piles on at the same time and becomes one solid mass of emotion crushing burden; But it's important to remember that these things are distinct and do not share the same timeline and emotional investment.

Deal with the disappointment of your recent exchange first. It's the most raw. and if I were to hazard a guess two weeks ago the others were at most thoughts in the back of your mind, not hazards attacking you in the immediate moment.

It's okay to do some online searches and put in applications for other jobs, but keep in mind that some of what you feel right now is run over from your emotional stress at other things.

The turn down is hard to take, but keep reminding yourself that the person you wanted and the person who turned you down are not the same person. We build up idealised versions of people we feel affection toward and imagine how perfect they could be for us. Not that we don't acknowledge they are human and might have problems, just the idea that we see them as exactly how we think of them in our minds. They never are, sometimes if you're lucky you get the chance to discover all the ways in which you were wrong and it's an adventure getting to know and appreciate somebody for the real them. But sometimes the discovery is the misconception is quicker and simpler. We just learn that they are not single or their tastes in partner cannot include you, be it age, gender, religion or anything else.

The pain is in large part because the construct you built up of the idealized version of them, the one made for you, died on Victor Frankenstiens lab bench before it ever had the chance to live. But you are left with facing the person in whose image it was being made. It's very important to remember that the person didn't betray you or isn't less than they were before for not being what you expected. You simply discovered something about somebody who you enjoyed the company of that you didn't realize before. and so long as they not monsters through their own choices, don't make them out to be, and don't cut and run from them either.

Also be aware that even the most blunt of rejections is not about your absolute worth. This isn't a quantitative assessment based on universal constants telling you are lesser than others or unfit for relationships. Sometimes it's not even stable in the temporal dimension  Grin. It's a matter of persoanal taste and just because you don't have an appitite for something right now doesn't mean you don't think it's a good thing, and appitites change over time. That's not to say wait for them to change, instead it means that in the future you can be fondly remembered by somebody for who you were and seen as a standard which others are compared to and found wanting, even if you are happily friends with no prospect of moving things in a new direction together.

Try to keep these things in mind and you continue to exercise your heart and your interpersonal exploration. You will likely create constructs again, be aware of them as objects built of dream, expectation and desire and learn to not hold real people to that standard but relish the experience of discovering the real person, even if you don't end up together.

Take a bit of time, then go forth and discover new people that you enjoy having met and sharing time with; and be somebody who sets a good example of what to look for in somebody in the future.
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J. Wilhelm
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« Reply #1510 on: February 25, 2017, 09:29:54 am »



I just got a very short and polite Email from her, telling me that she is in a relationship with someone else. *snip* ... I have no purpose for myself.


nope, you need to seperate these things. 

*snip*

Deal with the disappointment of your recent exchange first. It's the most raw.

*snip*

It's okay to do some online searches and put in applications for other jobs, but keep in mind that some of what you feel right now is run over from your emotional stress at other things.

*snip*

The turn down is hard to take, but keep reminding yourself that the person you wanted and the person who turned you down are not the same person. We build up idealised versions of people

*snip*

*snip*

Try to keep these things in mind and you continue to exercise your heart and your interpersonal exploration.

*snip*

Thanks, Roving Jack. Your words are comforting.  Smiley

Yeah. It did feel a lot worse just by the coincidence of events yesterday. I was pretty unhappy and nervous with the her initial reaction on Tuesday, and having my boss stoke the fire of discontent didn't feel good. The late night her email was the nail on the coffin, so I was feeling pretty rotten by midnight.

Thankfully,there doesn’t seem to be an emergency at the job. My boss understood that he can't have only one person doing twice the work just arbitrarily, like that.He'll try to fond me some help.

To be honest I will have to give it some time, though everything seems to set me off lately. I get that you build this fantasy profile of a person very quickly. It was  a pipe dream really, and even more so because she was absent for so long between brief intervals, such that I could only extrapolate information. Yeah, to be honest I knew the chances were low. I'm not as hurt as I have been at other times.

The thing for me is that chances are ALWAYS very low, no matter what. No matter what stage of life I'm in. The chances to meet a new love have always been low since I can remember. Mostly because of myself. My psychology prevents me from seeking women as aggressively as other males do. I'm simply way too afraid of getting hurt. Pathologically afraid. I look with envy at the ease with which my co-workers can - on the drop of a hat - pursue a passing customer they like. I guess it's easy when you're 22 years old... Not expecting anything but easily gathering multiple candidates in a few months' time. It only highlights the devastating effect my anxiety disorder had on my life, and how much of it has destroyed. Basically all of it. I feel it's almost all gone.

I've been suicidal once before around age 35, 13 years ago. That's when I dragged myself to the psychologist and psychiatrist, and they connected all the dots together. Before that, all my quirks were just that - quirks. The OCD. Crossdressing. Shyness. All disconnected events I thought. And all I suffered that was keeping me from getting a girl was "shyness" as I called it - but which I could not explain. The other things were unrelated "faults," I thought. Fetishes if you will.

After diagnosis, I was made aware that it was all connected. Not fetishes at all. 11 year old kids don't usually have fetishes. Instead it was the basic reaction of a brain under heavy stress. Trying to balance the world under my own rules of engagement. Flight response to the max, with a broken control knob. My abandonment as a baby triggered the anxiety disorder. The anxiety disorder led to my social dysfunction with girls during puberty. The cross-dressing was a direct consequence of the tension generated between the anxiety disorder and my needs as a developing man. It's all one thing.

The psychological damage started a whopping 36-37 years ago. But my full understanding of what happened only came 13 years ago. Already too late in my mind back in 2005 I felt. All the time in between was lost. Those news were devastating for me all by themselves. Months after diagnosis, my psychologist told me that I was still "mourning" the fact that it was all just a series of very unfortunate events. A cascade from hell. The perfect storm. She planned to have me date and crash, date and crash, date and crash, until I desensitized and learned the proper response to rejection to allow my fight response to develop. "At age 35?" I thought? It sounded a bit absurd to behave like an 18 year old.
 
Either way, now I know what it all means. I can indulge in my "pacifier" behaviour all I want, and if I want, safely knowing what it means, and not needing to be ashamed of it any more (save for political reasons whereby a large percentage of the population now wants to travel back in time and revert back to shaming people on religious grounds - let's not go there before I go into a political rant).

I don't want to be suicidal again. I just want to recover as much as I can in the few years I have left. No one can believe it when I tell them my age. But to be honest, its a ridiculous miracle. I can't hold that illusion for much longer. It's not possible. That was part of the reason I decided not to hide my gender bending (fluidity) any more. There was no point in keeping myself from it and I wanted to look somewhat young in the mirror! I know it sounds stupid, but it's not. I was simply getting too old, I felt. My life was slipping away. "Hell," I said, "life is too short." Dress up if you want to. You have to live as comfortably as you can.

My fault in dating is not failing more frequently - failing and trying at a much faster pace than I'm used to. In this life of crap shoots, you have to skin your knee 100 times before you can do a single flip on the skateboard. It's so clear to me when I look at my younger co-workers. It's so much easier for them  Cry They're so much more disconnected and stoic about losing a potential mate.


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J. Wilhelm
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« Reply #1511 on: February 25, 2017, 09:30:09 am »

Quote
nope, you need to seperate these things. I know when things hurt us it feel like every thing else just piles on at the same time and becomes one solid mass of emotion crushing burden; But it's important to remember that these things are distinct and do not share the same timeline and emotional investment.

I know I'm tying knots I should not be tying when I recount my daily events - you're right. But GAH how uncomfortable it is right now. The strangeness continued today with weird events. I mean, REALLY? Read this:

Today I had a pretty weird day with some strange bearded guy I've never met, or talked to, coming into the shop right in the middle of the day, when I was tending a line of customers, and him cutting into the line and interrupting -and with my boss present tending the other customers (!) trying to shake my hand, presenting himself as a married war veteran  Huh , saying that he had seen me many times outside and asking my name and then coming back 15 minutes later to ask me if I was gay  Tongue  Huh

What?  Huh WTF? Nothing wrong with the question, I am, after all, wearing my gender fluidity on my sleeve (and in another thread I did say I was going to be *extra* girly today  Roll Eyes because of how I feel today).

Alright, to be honest I am getting used to people being curious to my androgynous nature, of which I am actually proud of - because I want to like myself. I want to be myself. And why not? Probably with some reason, as I obviously do have an effect on people.

Just yesterday some other guy - a long time customer, whom I do know well - told me that I looked somewhat like an elf  Huh (ALSO IN FRONT OF MY BOSS  Huh - he's starting to wonder what is going on with me and customers) , and he told me that perhaps I'd be interested in reading a fantasy novel on elves, which he wrote and was on sale in Amazon Huh  Undecided While I continued working, he went on a 1/2 hour long rant about his novel on elves. What?!? Grin Ha, ha! Pfft! Well I do have a pointy ear, but Christ! I KNOW I never talked about elves on the job  Cheesy Grin Where did that come from? But I took it in stride. That was cute, not scary. If people think I look like an elf, that's fine with me.

Unlike the (bear looking - if you know what I mean) guy today who really rubbed me the wrong way, not because he asked a very personal question, but rather because I'd seen him sitting in his truck basically *lurking* several times for hours on end in front of the small strip mall where my shop is. Not the first time, as I've seen him several times before in the parking lot outside, and he seems to like going into the coffee shop next door and then sitting in his truck to drink the coffee Undecided

Jeez! That made me very nervous. I'm being stalked! Made me wish the replacement folding switch knife I ordered from Sweden - to replace the one which I lost a month ago - was here already. I guess the reindeer, moose or elk which is carrying the package is leaving Chicago for Austin right about now. But it won't get here until Monday.

Being a cashier and closing shop at night -alone- every night is nerve wrecking. I will often walk 2 miles at night - in the dark, and alone, back home. I am armed at all times by necessity. Girly elvish guy, but I carry a knife, OK? Grin

This kind of stress doesn't help me right now. Dealing with the strange public. It really doesn't. Me thinks I really need that other job now (sadly the only other place offering work is right next door in the same strip mall amd also dealing with the fruity-pebbles public Tongue ).

A more pleasant strange occurrence was later today towards the closing of my shift, finding out that we actually have a transgender (M to F) person as a customer  (after a quick double take and hearing her voice I instantly knew that she was transgender) - I know all my customers in that shop, so that has to be a new customer. She was quietly smiling at my look, not maliciously, so I can guess what she was thinking Cheesy

I'm not interested in her - and especially not now (though very elegantly dressed most likely was out for a Friday night date, I gather), but felt some sort of kinship of sorts. Like there was someone there who, at least vaguely understood me. I could relax (after the encounter with the "veteran" weird guy earlier). It's the first time I felt some tacit support from the LGBQT community - all without uttering a single word. I felt better, but did in fact look out from all the windows to see if the weird guy in the truck was not out there.

Much to my chagrin I encountered the bearded guy later at the supermarket. "High John" he said *GASP* Aack! I planned my retreat, quick. And wrote down his license plate number just in case  Tongue If you don't hear from me for some time you know what happened.

So yeah. My nerves are frazzled. Dealing with the strange public will frazzle them some more.
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« Reply #1512 on: February 25, 2017, 02:45:30 pm »

Dear Admiral Wilhelm,
It does rather sound like you have been through the mill recently. It seems like this 'veteran', married or not, fancied a new experience with you... This is always a possible outcome of crossing gender boundaries in how one dresses; people can jump to conclusions based on this as to sexual preference. It's human nature I suppose to take a limited experience and generalise it (I made an observation a couple of days ago that Italians tend to take more care over their appearance than Brits, and was chided by my eldest as to my stereotyping, which was probably a fair observation).

Can you vary your route home from evening to evening? I'd also suggest maybe getting a new coat, one that covers the figure well and with a hood, so it's possible to 'disappear' into the crowd by wearing it.

I was really sorry to hear your note did not elicit the response you hoped for. I know it can be so difficult to make relationships if one's confidence is not strong, and throwing in gender fluidity complicates the issue further. I expect (here's that tendency to generalise again...) that most people who choose to live in the 'usual' would wish for a partner who lives there too; I was incredibly lucky to find someone who can accept my particular proclivities, bit I do suspect that most will just want an uncomplicated 'vanilla' relationship. So, it may be a case of looking to the alternative cultures for possible partners. Clearly Steampunk fits this, but it maybe not be a wide enough population. Maybe in the Goth subculture (after all, not a million miles from Steampunk)? Have you considered online dating? There must be some sites out there that cater for people who perfer a more flavoursome lifestyle than plain vanilla?

Dear Mme. Ratchet,
I was sorry to hear of your frustrations, and I am sure people here would be happy to act as a sounding board for your concerns.

Dear Rose Inverness,
Very glad to hear that the you have found what sounds to be a wonderful dress for what I hope will be a truly wonderful day for you.

Yours,
Miranda.
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« Reply #1513 on: February 25, 2017, 09:47:34 pm »

Miranda T just reminded me of an idea I had as a youngun.

Practice dating.

Literally asking in a group of friends or even placing an ad (something along these lines: "How does dating even work anymore? But I guess my being on the market now means I need to relearn how to do this all. So lets give this a try. looking for 3 other people, no dressing up or fancy expensive dinners required, just getting together for a practice run at a double date. Everybody pays their way, and we support each other in getting into the game again.)

basically two or three people of either gender (or if you don't mind same sex pairings joining) getting together for a casual lunch where they all pay their own way, maybe play some card games or watch a movie. You all get to ask questions of the dates about what they think would make for a good experience, and practice conversation. Couples can change during the evening if things seem to fit better in a different arrangement and it helps everybody figure out what they are looking for and how to express that in setting up 'real dates' with people.

I told this to a friend and we then stopped a few women we didn't know in the mall to ask what they thought of the idea, and pretty much it was like an amazing idea to them. a good evening off without any of the pressure of dating while improving confidence for future dating. Plus getting to know some interesting people who even if you don't end up asking any of them for a real date later might know somebody you would be a decent match for based on actually seeing you in a social capacity.
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« Reply #1514 on: February 26, 2017, 03:25:54 am »

Dear Admiral Wilhelm,
It seems like this 'veteran', married or not, fancied a new experience with you... This is always a possible outcome of crossing gender boundaries

*snip*

Can you vary your route home from evening to evening? I'd also suggest maybe getting a new coat, one that covers the figure well and with a hood, so it's possible to 'disappear' into the crowd by wearing it.

I was really sorry to hear your note did not elicit the response you hoped for. I know it can be so difficult to make relationships if one's confidence is not strong, and throwing in gender fluidity complicates the issue further. I expect (here's that tendency to generalise again...) that most people who choose to live in the 'usual' would wish for a partner who lives there too; I was incredibly lucky to find someone who can accept my particular proclivities, bit I do suspect that most will just want an uncomplicated 'vanilla' relationship. So, it may be a case of looking to the alternative cultures for possible partners. Clearly Steampunk fits this, but it maybe not be a wide enough population. Maybe in the Goth subculture (after all, not a million miles from Steampunk)? Have you considered online dating? There must be some sites out there that cater for people who perfer a more flavoursome lifestyle than plain vanilla?

I can take those isolated events in stride, I think that  just comes with the territory. Certainly a new experience for me.

I'm not sure how much I need to hide though. Coats in Texas are worn only a couple of months out of the year, due to the hot and humid weather.

The alternative route is simply not possible. It's the shortest path of a 2.5 mile trek. There are no alternatives.

Also with the territory of gender fluidity, comes the appearance of "alternative lifestyle." That carries its own risks though. I'm not sure how much of an "alternative person" I am,  really. I know probably I won't marry a reactionary conservative, for example, but don't know how "liberal" I can get, either. My roommates already are to the left of me. Against most liberals, I'm a conservative. My hippie biological mother calls me "reactionary" in jest, but compared to her I'm conservative.  

Matching oneself to others will always be a tricky issue. Truth be told, I don't know where to start. The alternative community in Austin is copious within certain bounds, and there is a large Steampunk community, but most Steampunks I met either were married or simply are the type not to marry.

There are so many people I have met who seem to think that a permanent relationship of any kind (married or not) is more of a hindrance than something to be desired in life. My own 40-something male roommates, both from the music industry crowd are "cool people" and have plenty of relationships, but they feel they'll never be married. Like I wrote, they are to the left of me, ideologically speaking, but take it to an extreme where they have a fatalistic view of the world: "Humanity is close to the end." They believe that a family or children is somewhat unhelpful to the human condition, as there are too many people already, and that being the case, long term commitments are unnecessary and harmful, and it's best just to use casual relationships for temporary happiness!  That's taking ecological concerns to an extreme I don't subscribe to! It's like they turned themselves into puppies who must be neutered. I'm not ready to give up like that. If I wanted an emotional and reproductive "neutering" I'd just post for casual sex on Tinder and get it over with.

So I kind of have to choose which crowd I want to hang around. Not sure Steampunk will lead to anything, at least over here. My options currently are limited. To be honest I have to start from groups I have never been to. Basically start a new interest I've never had, to see if I can find someone who likes me.

I'm sure I'll figure something out,  but the whole "engineered approach"  just feels daunting. That's basically what my psychologist was doing 13 years ago when she got me into ballroom dancing.  I won't elaborate.

I don't even know how traditional online dating sites look like nowadays. The general concensus is that Match.com and the like are grossly outdated and some like match.com are changing their format. These are quite literally "your father's dating service" to younger people... Then again I'm already old myself - relatively speaking, but my body and life experience is so anachronistic, I'm not a good match to people my age. I don't have children. I've never been married. I'm not thinking about retirement. I found out how little in common I had to people my age during my ballroom dancing days.

I'm not sure they can even match my "stage of life" with someone else's. My experience with eHarmony was that they were matching me based on chronological age and religious beliefs, and then filtering anyone who had a tendency toward depression.  

When I was in treatment for depression, my psychologist and I read eHarmony's questionnaire and recognized that their "matching questionnaire" was basically a rehashed DSM IV psychological manual section used to diagnose clinical depression, with an added segment mostly asking questions about belief in the afterlife and God or religion in general.

At the time I was so hurt by the Anxiety Disorder diagnosis, that I became a "hard core" atheist, mostly out of anger at God and my "bad luck."  I even was angry at my hippie mother. In eHarmony's questions, I basically dismissed any notions of a greater being or afterlife. Years later I found out that  complaints and lawsuits were raised against eHarmony for discriminating atheists and non Christian people.

When my psychologist asked me to apply at eHarmony 13 years ago, I told her that I got rejected by eHarmony's method, and that I was told they could not find a single match for me in a 30 mile radius within a city of 700 000 people (2005), which is absolute nonsense!  In those days you were not allowed to re take the questionnaire for a certain number of years. I was rejected and discarded!  Like if was some sort of undesirable danger. My psychologist was furious with the company!

Using eHarmony was a big mistake on her part during my treatment. I never went back to using those services.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2017, 10:58:09 am by J. Wilhelm » Logged
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« Reply #1515 on: February 26, 2017, 03:29:49 am »

Miranda T just reminded me of an idea I had as a youngun.

Practice dating.

Literally asking in a group of friends or even placing an ad *snip* no dressing up or fancy expensive dinners required, just getting together for a practice run at a double date. Everybody pays their way, and we support each other in getting into the game again.

That sounds like a more reasonable approach. And something I'd give a shot. But I need to find a group of mixed gender people who are available and open to this (read bottom of post). That's the trick. That's easier outside of the middle aged Steampunk crowd here in Austin. Which means I have to look outside of Steampunk.

Again, I need to literally find new interests in my life. Photography, literature, spelunking, skydiving...  Grin I don't know.

"How does dating even work anymore?

As for more modern online methods,  I know Meetup and Tinder. But as far as Tinder is concerned, I think Mr. Madasasteamfish can fill you in on that experience  Roll Eyes. He'd innocently thought it was good for meeting candidates. In reality Tinder is a booty call app (looking for casual sex). If I was 18, I'd say "Woo-hoo!  Why not?"  But that is so foreign to me.

My former coworker who is 22, who meets a lot of girls - every week - by my count, scored 4 casual relationships in about 5 weeks between January and February (casual meaning one or two dates with visiting friends from college -or- one/two dates with a new woman he's met which led to sex very quickly - within 3 dates, say). He has told me he uses the Meetup app to go visit social groups of people at various events. There he meets people who have similar interest, such as in his case anything Harry Potter related. That is how he says he meets people he doesn't know without explicitly looking for sex or a casual relationship, hoping that one of those "will be the one." One way or another, however, 3 dates with the same person invariably translate to getting that person in bed  Roll Eyes Young libido I guess. Yet, I know he looks for more than just casual sex; a few of those encounters he has found himself wishing that it would have lead to love or something more permanent (i.e. girlfriend), as he himself has described, and has lamented not being able to hold on to a girl (Harry Potter fan) which he met that way and whom naturally shared a bed with right on the 2rd date (sex came very fast if I remember correctly).

That seems to me to be an up-side-down strategy to meet people in my mind. I don't know, Harry Potter nerdy girl or not, what did he expect?  Huh She was not interested in him at a deeper level. Nerds have casual sex too you know?  

I guess that is the new normal nowadays, at least for young people. Casual sex and then after sex find out if it leads somewhere else. Shoot first and ask questions later. Or like going to the car dealership and taking the car out for a test drive  Roll Eyes I guess I'm either too old or too introverted to understand that.


*snip*

But I guess my being on the market now means I need to relearn how to do this all. So lets give this a try. looking for 3 other people,

*snip*

basically two or three people of either gender (or if you don't mind same sex pairings joining) getting together for a casual lunch where they all pay their own way, maybe play some card games or watch a movie. You all get to ask questions of the dates about what they think would make for a good experience, and practice conversation. Couples can change during the evening if things seem to fit better in a different arrangement and it helps everybody figure out what they are looking for and how to express that in setting up 'real dates' with people.

That's what the Meetup app is for. I guess the easy thing to do would be to start a Meetup group. In Meetup you can join social groups or you can create social groups - like in Facebook, say.

I could create a "North Austin Practice Dating" Meetup group, and see how many people want to join.

https://www.meetup.com

But I'd probably have to set all the ground rules from the start as you suggest -lest it just turns into another Tinder by mistake.

« Last Edit: February 26, 2017, 11:55:58 am by J. Wilhelm » Logged
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« Reply #1516 on: February 26, 2017, 04:56:25 am »

The whole relationship thing is, for me, something to wonder at! With ASD, long-term/permanent emotional attachments just don't happen, so I have never bothered. Tolerating someone who, most of the time, doesn't even acknowledge your existence would be hard to do, I imagine!
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« Reply #1517 on: February 26, 2017, 10:34:13 am »

The whole relationship thing is, for me, something to wonder at! With ASD, long-term/permanent emotional attachments just don't happen, so I have never bothered. Tolerating someone who, most of the time, doesn't even acknowledge your existence would be hard to do, I imagine!

Well it'll be different for everybody. The more power to you if you have the ability to share a brief moment of passion and not be bothered by having to hold on to a lover emotionally. But the trick is that for that to be emotionally stable, you'd have to genuinely not be hurt when they left.

Different strokes for different folk. As my psychologist said "Not everyone needs love. Some are perfectly content never having a relationship." But again, your brain must be wired that way for you not to be in pain.

I wish I could simply "not care" about the issue of being alone, and just not be tormented by my loneliness every day. But the problem is that I long for love. I feel my life draining away as I get older, and I ask myself if I will die alone. Honestly I'd rather be hit by a train and not know what happened, before getting to that point. But that is just me. That is my issue, and my need, which is not the same as for other people.

My former co-worker seems perfectly happy running a constant stream of sexual encounters - at a rate of one per week, almost- which in my old mind just seems "promiscuous." To me - he seriously needs love - constantly. He is in pain when he doesn't get constant attention.

The surprising thing is that yet I know my friend is a very warm and loving person with a large extended family with whom he keeps close contact, especially his parents and brothers and sisters in New Mexico. He can be extremely affectionate (non-sexual meaning here!) with any person he befriends, and yet he constantly displays a psychological need to look "good" and show affection towards other people. He's a social addict, in other words. He has told me himself, in his own words that he gets extremely anxious if he's not socializing with someone all the time.. Almost like he never can fill a void and is constantly seeking acceptance. Like he never fills the glass, so to speak. I don't see that as a good thing necessarily.

It's very interesting because I guess in a way I'm similar - I'm constantly longing for acceptance. But I go about it in the opposite way. I have an overactive "flight response" which keeps me trapped in my room. My friend overindulges in intimate contact, for fear of being alone, while I avoid any intimate contact for fear of being rejected and left alone!!!

Does that make sense? In a sense my friend and I, both are looking for the exact same thing, but he's a pathological extrovert, while I'm a pathological introvert. We are exactly opposite to someone who doesn’t need love from a partner.

I'd like to think that a healthy approach for people who long for love (not the ones who don't need it) is somewhere in the middle. Opening yourself to casual sex and short term relationships is OK, and probably healthy, every now and then, but you don't want to turn promiscuous with a new lover every week, seeking for love in all the wrong places. And one needs to aim for something higher than a one-night stand IMHO. Trying to find love in one-night stands doesn't seem to me to be the best approach.

And he's not the only one I knew like that. A 25 y/o (back in 2002) Canadian Post Doc friend of mine in college was exactly like that. An adorable extrovert, very well mannered, intelligent and loving... who had a new girlfriend every two weeks, and could never hold on to a single girl for too long. I never saw him hold a relationship for more than a few weeks in the 3 years when I knew him. Girls would push him out after the 2nd week. A love addict who could never satiate his thirst. Was the Canadian student being used by his women? It could happen.

Either way the need for love translates into anxiety or fear. Being afraid of not being accepted or being afraid of being rejected are two extremes leading to unhealthy behaviour, in my opinion. But most people are wired for love. Maybe I should find the "love center" in my brain and just shoot a nail into my brain with a pneumatic gun, so I don't feel any longing. I need a "love lobotomy"  That way I wouldn't care that I'm alone.

But seriously, should I ever get past my anxiety, and assuming I could become social enough to find a pool of candidates, I would be open to casual relationships, as I am in fact a very sexual person (so far kept under lock in my bedroom). But I seek love more than sex, and sex definitely not at the speed of 2 to 4 women/month like my friends from Canada and New Mexico. I just don't know that I can be that social at all or that I'd have the will to take relationships so casually. It's too much in my mind. I don't think I can do that.

Recognizing the problem and doing anything about it (as my psychologist discovered) are two completely different things. Like knowing how to design an aircraft and knowing how to pilot an aircraft. These are two completely separate occupations.

But I'll stop ranting for now. I'm obviously obsessing over this now and I'm feeling a bit depressed about it at the moment. I'm just focusing on problems and licking my wounds incessantly.

Thank you all for your input. Thank you for paying attention to my diatribes.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2017, 11:58:12 am by J. Wilhelm » Logged
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« Reply #1518 on: February 26, 2017, 01:25:40 pm »

My brain is wired differently, as anyone who knows me will tell you - everyone with ASD - ("not a programming error, but a different operating system" - as my T-shirt tells anyone who reads it!) is wired differently, and everyone with ASD reacts to affairs of the heart differently. Grin As I also have a (very) personal moral code that draws the line at one-night stands, dirty weekends or casual affairs ...! Not to mention all the problems many ASD people have with personal contact and any sort of physical or emotional intimacy.
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« Reply #1519 on: February 26, 2017, 09:38:44 pm »

I've been frustrated with my inability to be creative, my inability to change aspects of myself that I don't like (like my weight, for instance), my inability to communicate effectively through text, my failure to remember to take medications for my hormone therapy, which leads to frustration with the progress my hormone therapy has made because I forget to take my medications, my inability to break from the rigid concept of being period correct even within a steampunk context, and I hate my apartment and my wardrobe/general appearance, and am frustrated with my inability to change either.

:/
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« Reply #1520 on: February 27, 2017, 12:21:15 am »

I've been frustrated with my inability to be creative, my inability to change aspects of myself that I don't like (like my weight, for instance), my inability to communicate effectively through text, my failure to remember to take medications for my hormone therapy, which leads to frustration with the progress my hormone therapy has made because I forget to take my medications, my inability to break from the rigid concept of being period correct even within a steampunk context, and I hate my apartment and my wardrobe/general appearance, and am frustrated with my inability to change either.

:/

Mme Ratchet :

If I may be cavalier about it, it seems to me that the list you wrote above should be prioritized. I don't see the point of maintaining period correctness within a Steampunk gathering when you have the more serious issue of maintaining your transformation process. Which is more important?

We're not going to be terribly worried over here about an imperfect Steampunk character. We are not only Steampunks here, but also Dieselpunks, Clockpunks, Cyberpunks, Goths, and all manner of permutations thereof.

I'd say pay attention to your personal development first. Don't mind if you're period incorrect in a meeting or something.

Maintaining a medication schedule could be as easy as using a multi alarm clock or watch. But aside from that, let me ask you, are you alone on a daily basis? Is there any one who can be a minder for you? Do you have a transgender support group around you? Honestly what  I'd do if I was alone, and going through such a heavy change is look for an LGBQT social group using a website such as Meetup.com.

Loneliness is a terrible oppressor, and can easily lead to depression which can explain other issues such as procrastination and an inability to maintain a daily routine.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2017, 04:08:12 am by J. Wilhelm » Logged
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« Reply #1521 on: February 27, 2017, 12:43:35 am »

Dear Mme. Ratchet,
I agree with Admiral Wilhelm - keeping to the prescribed schedule for you hormone therapy is paramount, as varying from the set pattern could impact upon your health. I presume you are having regular check-ups as to your progress and general well being?

As to frustrations at being unable to change aspects of your life, well, sometimes in life we all seem to hit a point where we feel unable to move forwards, stuck in the same old place. Might it be an idea to focus on one specific thing to make a change? It could be a new hairstyle, one new outfit of clothes, a new coat of paint for for the walls, whatever - and once that's successfully done, it might feel easier to move other aspects forward too.

Yours,
Miranda.
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« Reply #1522 on: February 27, 2017, 12:50:48 am »

My brain is wired differently, as anyone who knows me will tell you - everyone with ASD - ("not a programming error, but a different operating system" - as my T-shirt tells anyone who reads it!) is wired differently, and everyone with ASD reacts to affairs of the heart differently. Grin As I also have a (very) personal moral code that draws the line at one-night stands, dirty weekends or casual affairs ...! Not to mention all the problems many ASD people have with personal contact and any sort of physical or emotional intimacy.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having a strong moral view-point here - people are delicate things, and playing with others emotions without some sense of responsibility is not a nice thing to do. And in terms of 'running a different OS' - well, we've all got our own quirks and ways of doing things, be they more or less noticeable, and I for one feel grateful for the diversity that brings.

Yours,
Miranda.
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« Reply #1523 on: February 27, 2017, 04:04:42 am »

My brain is wired differently, as anyone who knows me will tell you - everyone with ASD - ("not a programming error, but a different operating system" - as my T-shirt tells anyone who reads it!) is wired differently, and everyone with ASD reacts to affairs of the heart differently. Grin As I also have a (very) personal moral code that draws the line at one-night stands, dirty weekends or casual affairs ...! Not to mention all the problems many ASD people have with personal contact and any sort of physical or emotional intimacy.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having a strong moral view-point here - people are delicate things, and playing with others emotions without some sense of responsibility is not a nice thing to do. And in terms of 'running a different OS' - well, we've all got our own quirks and ways of doing things, be they more or less noticeable, and I for one feel grateful for the diversity that brings.

Yours,
Miranda.

You just touched on a very critical point in my psyche. I'm terrified of the thought that I will become "clingy" toward a person after casual sex. My psychologist didn't see casual sex as a moral thing, but rather part of life experience which I lacked.

Knowing how my Anxiety Disorder operates on me, I fear I will become instantly attached to a person whom I have sex with - with such an intimate contact having a much deeper meaning for me than my partner ever feel. Does that make sense? One major reason I have never opened myself to casual sex, i.e. the so called "one night stand."

For most people sex is just "fun." Wonderful perhaps, but not enough by itself to elevate the lover from a casual relationship to a significant one. For me that kind of event has far more gravitas than just physical contact.

I have even had the thought that a relationship with anyone would require concurrent psychological analysis/ treatment / coaching by a psychologist expert on sexuality and intimacy issues. Certainly as I embark in gaining a normal sexual and love function - which so many people take for granted.

In fact, that was the role that my psychologist was trying to fill about the time I abandoned treatment.

Sex for me is a statement of "total acceptance," by the lover, which is the central issue - quite literally in my existence, if you read all my previous diatribes. That is, the abandonment issue is, by definition, an acceptance issue. The normal transition from "mother to lover" during puberty (the dysfunctional phase in my life) directly involves a transfer of trust and acceptance - by those two most important females in every males' life (mother / lover).

I need sex AND love, not just sex. Perhaps in direct opposition to most young males' psyche where love and sex are detached. Precisely because either sex or love has been impossible for me to attain. A very important point.

I had meant to discuss this "morning after" situation with my psychologist, but life events (death, bankruptcy, etc) obliterated the last 13 years of my life and I was forced to stop psychotherapy altogether by 2007. I stopped pursuing any solution to my sexual development problem as I fought for my life while taking care of my elderly grandfather. Literally my love life came to a full stop before it even took off, because my life was no longer mine.

This is a very serious issue for me ("the day after" issue). I never discussed it, because both my psychologist and I had a tacit understanding that I was going to "hook up" at some point during treatment. Her plan was for me to "dive into it" whichever kind of relationship it was, and then she would be there to pick up the pieces or further spot me emotionally as I attained a normal sexual life. She was going to be a "sexual coach" of sorts. But she was, unfortunately not a sex and intimacy expert. She just happened to be the person I went to when I became suicidal. Her main job was to intervene in the Major Depressive Disorder.

To be honest I won't know what happens until such a time, that is, until "the morning after," when I have to ponder what that other person I was so intimate towards means to me. I find the the thought that I'd become "clingy" while the partner is just not seeing me that way terrifying, and I'm sure that'd be an instantaneous stress on the relationship whatever depth that relationship has. Very serious stuff.

Perhaps that is why she was telling me to be open to casual sex. Moral or not, I have to learn everything from scratch - plus the psychology of sex for heterosexual males as they develop sexually is different from females. Basically I'm learning everything from scratch here folks.

I feel I may need a "love/sex coach" but it's embarrassing (and in many ways demeaning)  to openly admit all of this in public. But what else am I going to do? My situation is extraordinary no matter how you slice it.
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Mme. Ratchet
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« Reply #1524 on: February 27, 2017, 08:38:10 am »

Nice, not only do I suck at everything else, I suck at complaining about how much I suck at everything, too. Lovely.
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