The Steampunk Forum at Brass Goggles
October 18, 2017, 01:25:13 am *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News: Brassgoggles.co.uk - The Lighter Side Of Steampunk, follow @brasstech for forum technical problems & updates.
 
   Home   Blog Help Rules Login Register  
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Zanlia Copperwires story (critiquing highly appreciated)  (Read 1511 times)
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« on: March 02, 2013, 09:46:04 pm »

Okay so this is a story I am writing about a fanbot of mine.. It is violent but not extremely violent. Also slight sexuality. I will be posting it by chapters. Hope you all like it

Chapter 1:
As I open my eyes for the first time, a whole bunch of things run into my mind. Were am I? Why is it so bright? What time is it? I look down, my photo receptors still getting used to the light, and I see that I am on a table with some men standing around me and I am completely naked. My first instinct is to cover myself but my arms and legs are strapped to the table. They all look like inventors and they all have a smile of pride on their face. As I open my mouth to speak, steam billows out from my lips and oil slowly pours out and hits the side of the table. I instantly close my lips then open them again. "Were am I?" I manage to ask but in Danish.
 "You are in Denmark in 1862. The date is January 1st. The begining of a new year, and a new life form. You, my dear, are the first robotic human to be built in this country. You are programmed to serve humans and do as they say" The first inventor said in Danish.
"I guessed as much as Denmark. And there is no way I am the first."
"You are, my dear. The first robotic human, also known as automaton. We can program you and unprogram you at will."
"Can you please stop calling me 'my dear'? I am no ones 'dear'. You can call me-" I stopped there. What can he call me? Mecha? Titanium? Wires? Wait Wires. Make it more feminine and that would be... "Wiress" The inventors laugh at me speaking out of free will.
"We will call you whatever we want. You answer to us. We own you wether you like it or not!" They all laugh at me again.
"And I can speak out of free will, wether you like it or not! And I am naming myself Wiress and I would like to be released from these leather bonds and some clothes to put on. I do not want to be naked around men and especially not tied down and naked around men!" All was said with a hint of venom. They just laugh again and one hits me with a hammer.
"Hold your tongue mechanical being! You are our slave now! You may not speak out of free will ever again." He hit me again with the small handheld hammer, leaving a dent this time. That is what got on my last nerve. Having these men standing around me, staring at me while I am all exposed and them hitting me. I lift my arms and manage to slip my arms out of the leather and I work at my legs. They see I am escaping and they start to run and scream. Oh the annoying screaming! I couldnt take it anymore. I got off the table and caught one of the inventors by the lab coat. He screeched and tried to escape but I snapped his neck before he could call for the other inventors to come back. They just kept running, leaving their dead colligue behind them. Once they were out of sight, I hid the body under the table and tried to find some clothes. I wandered the halls of the mansion, hoping to find something suitable for me, when someone came up behind me and turned me off.  
When I woke up I had no recolection of the previous nght. Or the last six nights for that matter. Turns out a week had gone by and I didnt know about it. All I know is that I am sitting up and wearing an ill fitting dress and sewing. How did this happen? Were am I now? What is this place? Is this a "factory"? So many questions raced through my mind but none were answered. I looked around me and saw that there were other human women working like I  was.  There was a red flashing light in the corner of my photoreceptrs. I paused and looked at it. It read [Body count: 1], how peculiar.
How pathetic. These humans are just pathetic. Always relying on someone else. It makes me sick. I just wish I could kill them all and save them their feelings.  That is acctually a good idea and I am bound by nothing. As I look around I see that there are special gaurds monitoring the floor. I could easily take them out before help arrives. My photoreceptors pick up the exit. This would be all too easy. I stand up slowly, trying not to draw attention to myself. They instantly notice of my awakening and rush to me.
They have me surrounded and some of the women closest to me squeak or scream quietly then move far away. Foolish fleshies. They think that they can stop me by surrounding me. How pathetic. I look at the gaurd in front of me and he looks at me. I smile evily, exposing all of my razor sharp teeth. You could litterally see his sweat dripping down his face. I get closer to him and whisper in his ear "I suggest you leave me alone before I tear you apart" He did not move but he did flinch. I open my mouth and take a big bite out of his neck. He screams then falls to the floor, bleeding a lot and if you looked closely you could see his spine. All the gaurds advanced on me. I looked to my left and right, seeing five gaurds in all and more coming through the door. I use both of my hands, break through the flimsy armour and ripped out their hearts. They too dropped to the floor. I rip off the heads of the other three, and just as more came, I took a rod from the looms and scewered them. And of course there was more screaming from the women and children and blood pooling up. I had to escape. I piled up all of the bodies and climbed out a window. There was a small obstical blocking my path to freedom. There was a chain link fence around the outside of the factory and it was topped with barbed wire. I jumped to the ground and pushed down the fence. There were sirens sounding behind me but I just ran. There was more screaming and dogs were barking like mad. I ran all the way into town and hid behind a dumpster. The dogs ran right past me and when I figured it was safe, I ran into a dress shop. [Body count: 20] flashed in front of my eyes. It seems like I was meant to destroy.
I got lucky in the factory and the gaurds all dropped their wallets so I have some money to get me through this mayhem. The lady at the counter looks at me then the blood on my hands and dress. She looked like she was about to scream so I ran to her and covered her mouth. "I need a dress. Nothing like this one. I want it short in the front, long in the back, made of black material with red trim. I want it well done, with ruffles on the back and a slight train. I will be in the goggles and the hat store. If you tell anyone I will kill you." I said this all between my teeth and with a slight hiss. I grabbed a plain black dress off the maniquen and put it on. "And if you do everything I say without telling anyone my wereabouts then you can live." She nodded and got to work, working quickly.
At the hat store it was the same thing. "I want a black tophat with red trim and gears on it. Do it within the hour and you live. And dont tell anyone were I am or I will kill you" He instantly got to work on the hat. And the exact same thing in the goggles place. "I want a pair of goggles with those movable magnifying glasses of different diameters and magnifying qualitys. The strap has to be leather and the outer part has to be brass." He also got to work instantly.  I walk back to the dress store and see that the woman is almost done with my dress. I lean against the counter and look at her, showing my teeth with a smile. "Almost done my dress?" She nods and puts on the last ruffle. She hands the dress to me and I get out of the first dress and put on the black dress. She smiles.
"You look lovely you know? Now tell me.. What are you exactly?"
"An automaton. A mechanical being. Now you tell me.. What day and year is it?"
"January 8, 1865." I stare at her blankely. I thought I had been shut down for a week but it turns out to be 3 years. That explains the factory. I look at her and she looks at me. "I'll let you live this time. Seems that you can be of use to me." She looks relived. I turn around and walk back to the hat store. I let my bright purple hair out of its ponytail and it cascades down my back, just reaching the lower part of my chasis. I walk into the hat store and the man holds up the hat with a smile. "A lovely hat for a lovely being. " I walk away after I tore out his throat. I could see in his eyes that he had told someone. The traitor. I walk to the goggle shop and the guy holds up the goggles. I put them on my hat, tighten the strap then put my hat back on. "You look lovely Miss Automaton. Did you know I'm an inventor? I successfully made an automaton a year ago." I look at him then  raise my eyebrows in question and he nods. "Dec! Come out here"
My eyes open wide as the most gorgeous male automaton walks out. His photoreceptors are sky blue and he is almost exactly like me. He has cheek vents and is made of copper and iron. He stops and looks at me, with shock and a bit of feeling. I look at him the same way. "Hello. My name is Decimal... Dec for short..."
"My name is Wiress..."
"Wiress... Such beauty in that name. I could listen to it all day" As he said those words I couldnt help but blush. I mean who wouldnt blush at a gorgeous male automaton saying that? We are almost the same height, both of us coming in at 6'2", me being the shorter automaton by two inches. He takes my hand and gently kisses it, sending sparks ragging through my circutry.
"How long ago were you manufactured Wiress?"
"3 years and a week ago... So January 1st,  1862"
"So you are the first automaton ever manufactured in Denmark... Fascinating"
I look at his creator then back at him. "Would you like to be on the run with me?" I blurted without thinking. He looks at me strangly then at his creator.
"Your on the run?"
"Yes... I murdered one of my five creators the day they manufactured me. I was shut down and forced to idly work at a sewing factory. Until today. I broke out of the stupid trance and had to escape. The only way that was possible was to murder the gaurds... Now everyone is on the lookout for me. I was able to change out of my bloody and ill fitting dress by threatening the dress maker. I got this hat by threatening the hat maker next door. He snitched about my wereabouts to a customer so I had no choice but to murder him. The goggles on the hat were made by your dear father. I can see in his eyes that he did snitch but not to you... I'm sorry but I have to kill him too... I understand if you want nothing to do with me after what I am about to do but it has to be done. Telling about my wereabouts has its consiquences." I manage to look away from him, not seeing the love and devotion, the understanding and respect, that then filled his eyes. I walk over to his father who is holding a gun, ready to shoot me. I ignore that and take some thick copper sheeting from the walls and approach his father. I see him pull the trigger but nothing happens. Sweat beads down his forehead as I get closer and closer. As soon as I reach him, he is in full on panic mode. I take the metal sheets and slice him into little peices with them. Dec comes up behind me really quietly when I am done it and he pulls back my hair then whispers in my ear, "I would love to be on the run with you, my dear Wiress." I turn around and look at him in shock. He smiles at me and forces my hands to drop the metal sheets. They clang against the floor and we walk out of the goggle shop, hand in bloody hand. [Body count: 22]
We managed to find an abandoned warehouse to sleep in for the night after wandering around for a few hours and we managed to break into it. It was by the ocean so we could smell the ocean air. "This is so nice. I didnt know that th-the world outside of the factory was so beautiful!" I stood outside of the warehouse, my hair blowing in the breeze, and just watched the sun set. It was beautiful, all of the colours mixing together in harmony, the seagulls sitting in the water, the steam boats going in and out of the harbour.
Dec came up behind me and put his arms around me. "Not as beautiful as you" He moves my blowing hair and gently kissed my neck, causing a really low and quiet moan to escape my mechanical lips. He looks at me and I look at him. We held gazes for a long time, well past dusk. "You are an amazing mechanical being Dec" He pulls me into his arms again and kisses me passionatly. I am a little shocked at first but then I put my arms on his chest and kiss him back, just as passionatly. It was like sparks were going off in my mind and body. I never wanted this moment to end, but sadley, all good moments must come to an end.  It started raining heavily just as we kissed. We instantly ran inside the warehouse but there was no better. There were many holes in the roof from were the erosion had eaten it away so we quickly made a mini house out of boxes and tarps. We took cover under the boxes and waited, hoping the rain would let up. It didnt end, it just got worse. The wind was howling and it was truly frightful. We decided to tell stories to eachother about our life. "You first Dec.. I-its ony fair"
"Were should I begin... Well when I was first made, I was made to serve my father and all the other shops people in the town. I was pretty much their servants, but I just let it happen. I didnt go beserk and kill everyone who called me theirs. Unlike you, which is what I admire most about you. You are yourself and you are not about to let anyone tell you different or get in your way. I have pretty much been just helping people until now. Now I am with you, the prettiest automaton being ever, on the run." I got a bit of oil dripping down my face because of all the comments. I am not pretty, I'm a murderer. Murderers arent pretty. They are ugly and mean. But he obviously thinks differently about that.  
"I feel for you Wiress... Alot... Will you be mine? We will be on the run together, forever. Just you and me. Please Wiress, I will make you happy and I will be the best automaton man there is. Please" He took one of my cheek vents in his hand and gently kissed me again. I was speechless. The whole speech was so beautiful and well thought out, like he had seen it happen over a hundred times, or was practicing it in his head since we met.
"I a-am speechless Dec... I d-dont know what to say..." He pulls out an amazing ring, made from gears and a few rubies and diamonds in it.
"Then just say yes."
"Yes! Of course Dec!" He slipped the ring onto the mechanical ring finger on my left hand. I admired it for a second then looked  into his eyes with a smile. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. I instantly kissed him with such a passion that has never been known before.
The morning came, with mist and fog in the air. I walked out of the little makeshift house and out of the warehouse, to watch the sunrise. I had everything back on and it was all just gently blowing in the wind. The red and black dress was dancing behind me and my hair, caressing my back. Dec came up behind me and put his arms around me, being warry of the spines on my back. "Good morning love" I purred. He twisted me around and kissed me again with a fiery passion.
My hands landed on his chest again but this moment was also ended. Just as he pulled away there was a gun shot to Decs back. "Halt you mechanical beings! We got word about your wereabouts from the hat maker. When we went to see him he was dead. Along with the goggle maker. " They looked at me, awaiting a reaction. Dec started to fall to the ground "Do it Wiress... Leave me"  He must have thought that I would help him. I smirked at him, my eyes turning a deep crimson "Screw the emotional ties and screw you Dec" I placed my hands on his head and snapped his neck. I jumped over the body and charged at the police. They were in shock at what I had just done. I grabbed one of ther guns and instantly fired at them. I jumped over their bloody bodies and stole the carraige.  I startled the horses and they instantly started running. It was a nice carraige, perfectly designed for getting away or chasing. In my case it was obviously getting away. [Body count: 25]
« Last Edit: March 19, 2013, 07:16:55 pm by zanlia copperwire » Logged

An automaton which runs on Pockey Sticks?! Who has heard of such a thing?! If you dont beleive me, just look at this automaton. It runs on Pockey Sticks.
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2013, 09:47:45 pm »

Chapter 2:
I stopped running a little past noon. The sun was high in the sky, creating alot of heat, causing the black horses to fall to their knees and almost pass out from exhaustion and lack of water.  I looked around and found a little water hole in the middle of the country. I got the horses to the water and they drank greedily. It took them half an hour to be full of water. Something was funny looking about them. I could see a red, pulsating glow in their black. Something made me go beserk and I killed a near by bird. The pulsating went away and they were their regular black.  I think I saw the red liquid that humans release when they are wounded. How peculear.
A day of non-stop travelling had passed when we reached the German border. By now, there were wanted posters of me everywere. There was no safe place to run, no safe place to hide. I left the carrage close to the border and took one of the horses. I made sure no one was around and I cut the wire fence with my teeth. The horse and I went through the fence and we were officially in Germany. I got on the strong horses back and rode, rode till nightfall, were we hit a small farm. I put the horse in the abandoned barn. I went into the house on the land, having the shotgun ready. I went into the top bedroom and saw an elderly couple sleeping. Why are there couples everywere I go? They are disgusting and only show that you cant live on your own. I shot them in their sleep. "Rest in hell you pathetic weeklings" I said as I shot them. [Body count: 27]
I went around their house, finding any jewelry and gold along with some euros and anything else worth value. After I had looted the house, I gave the horse some of the feed and let it recuperate. I went into the barn and grabbed a sadle along with some reins and a pair of saddle bags. I put all of the loot into them and moved onto the next farm by the border.
This one was left a mess, like someone was in a haste to get out. I searched around and found more precious objects. I added them to my stash and rode onto the next house with the same results.  It was getting dark out so I took the horse into the barn and settled in the barn for the night, happy that I could relax for the night. I pulled up a pile of hay and drifted off to sleep.
As I power up I look around. There are flames surrounding the barn. I grab the horse and break through the barn. I'm so happy that the horse can take this type of damage and not be hurt or I would be in deep trouble. I push the fact of my only escape route out of my mind quickly and get the horse running as fast as it possibly can. I think I will name this horse Deadly Nightshade, because it is black and is carrying something deadly.
Eventually we hit central Germany. There were no posters out for my arrest here. Yet. I found a local tavern and tied Deadly Nightshade there. I walked in and all eyes instantly turned towards me. I looked at everyone and scoffed. They all laughed at me. I got lucky and had some German software instaled into me while I was in the factory. "Look at that. A chunk of metal formed to look like the prettiest doll I have ever seen." "A girl! Made of metal! That is the funniest thing I have ever seen!" I rolled my eyes and walked up to the bar maid that was working. I looked at her and she looked at me. "Give me a bottle of whiskey" She looked at me in disbeleif and laughed. Everyone joined in on her annoying laughter. I took her by the leiderhosen and everyone hushed. I got real close to her face and hissed "Give me a bottle of whiskey or I will take your head off, right here, right now" I let her go and she just stood there. I took my gun and pointed it to the roof. I fired and everyone jumped. The girl went and got me my whiskey. I drank it in silence, everyone looking at me. People started whispering about me. It was hard to ignore and I looked at the bar maid again. "So tell me.. Is there anywere I can stay?" She noded and pointed at the stairs. "There is a room upstairs"
I chugged my whiskey and left a few euros then grabbed all of the gold, euros and all of the other precious items from the horse and walked inside. I dropped everything inside of the room and came back downstairs and noticed that the tavern was full, things in full swing again. I looked at were I was sitting before and no one was sitting there. I sat there and looked around, a smile twitching at my lips. So many people I could kill. "So what brings you here you cute peice of metal?" I turned and looked at the man who had spoken. He was tall with pale skin and had blonde hair and blue eyes. He looked to be about 26. Amazingly handsome and looked to be single. I smiled and bowed in my seat. "Thank you sir. But I am here to escape my original makers"
"Interesting. Might I ask your name?"
"Wiress, Wiress Copperplate"
"Cute name. I'm Gerard. Gerard Sven"
"I take it your from around here?"
"Yes. I take it you would like a tour guide?"
"That would be much-" I was pulled off of my seat by some drunk slob. He started choking me and I jabbed him in the gut. He released me and I got ontop of him. I started throwing punches like there was no tommorrow. When I got dragged off of him, he had a bloody nose and his broken cheek bone was poking out of his skin. I looked around at everyone as they stared in disbeleife. "I thought automatons were made to serve us, not murder us" I took my gun and blew that persons brains out. Everyone gasped and backed away. I walked swiftly up to my room. There was panic from downstairs and I didnt care. I lay down on my bed but soon enough there was a knock on my door. I opened it a crack and noticed the guy from before the fight. I opened the door to let him in. He came in and quickly closed the door. He looked at me and I looked at him. "What the hell was that?"
"Did you not hear what that person said? I refuse to be demeaned like that! I was made to serve people and I murdered my creators! Thats why I left! I'm freakin sick of it!" He looked at me like he understood "I understand"
"How could you possibly understand?" He pulled up his sleeve to reveal a crack. My brows furrowed and I gently touched his arm. It was clay-like and cold. I looked at him in shock. "That is how I understand. I am a porcelean clockwork automaton." I took his arm and opened the window, grabbing all of the valuables. "We cant stay here."
"I cant jump down there or I will break"
"Well we need to escape" He shrugged as I jumped out the window. I whistled and he jumped down beside me. We ran to my horse and quickly untied it. I hopped on then he pulled me off of the horse "I'm riding first" I sigh as he gets on. I put the valuables were they belonged then hoped on. The second my arms were around him, he was riding. [Body count: 28]
We rode till we hit his country home. I look at it in facination. "Do you live with anyone?"
"I live with my creator, his wife, and my little brother." He smiles as he hops off then brings the horse to the barn. I smile and get off of Deadly Nightshade then tied her up.  We walked hand in hand to the house and he opens the door and his brother runs up to him and hugs him. Gerard bends down and picks up his little brother "This is my little brother, Hans. Hans, this is Wiress."
"Hello ma'am" He said this with a big childish smile. He had brown hair and green eyes. He looked no older than 5 "Hello Hans" There was some banging in the next room  and an elderly woman with white hair and wrinkled skin came out. Her pale blue eyes that were full of tales inspected me then she smiled. "Hello miss. Welcome to our house. My name is Heidi and my husband, who is in his workshop, is Gunther." She takes my hand in her hands and shakes it. I shaked back and smile. Finally, a place to rest. "Wiress, can you take Hans into the next room? There is something I need to talk about with my mother" I nod and take Hans in my arms and brings him to the living room. I hear murmering between Gerard and his mother "You what?"
"I met her at the tavern. Things happened and she shot someone. Can she stay here? She cant go back into town or people will be looking  for her."
"If we die because of her, its your fault"
"Agreed" He calls to me "Wiress, you can come back in now" I get up and walk into the entrance way. His mom is looking at me and I tip my hat respectfully. She glares at me, almost all niceness is gone from her eyes. I smile respectfully "I am sorry to drag you and your family into this but this has actually been happening everywere I go"
"Just make sure you dont hurt anyone here, or I will dismantle you myself" I nod and smile again. "I promise I wont" She smiles and motions for me to follow. I follow her silently, unsure of what to say. We go upstairs and she motions to an empty room. "You may sleep here tonight and in the morning, you will be gone. Got that?"
"Yes ma'am. I will be gone before sunrise" She nods and smiles then leaves. I sigh and lie down on the bed. There is another knock on the door "Its me.. Gerard"
"Come in" I sit up as he opens the door. I pat the bed beside me and he sits down
"I heard you and my mom talking. I dont want you to leave."
"I have to"
"No you dont"
"Yes I-" He puts his arms around me and kissed me before I could respond. I squeaked against his lips and put my arms around him. "What do you two think you are doing?" We stop and I notice an elderly man by the door. He was balding and his hazel eyes were pale, almost a glossy white. "F-father"
"Your mom told me we were harvering a dangerous fugitive, I just didnt think that it was a pretty automaton."
"Umm.. Th-thank you?" I stuttred. I wasnt used to this type of thing after being alone for so long. "So are you two going to be unruly and make love tonight then she is going to leave in the morning, or are you going to convince your mom to let her stay"
"I will convince her in a bit. Not that she will even try to listen."
"You might be able to. Tell her I said its fine."
"You mean that?" I was blushing slightly as I said this, steam escaping my cheek vents. "Yes of course! Any automaton is safe to stay here Wiress. Dont be shy" I smile and nod slowly. I would definatly like to stay here longer. His dad leaves the room and I lie down with a smile. Gerard puts an arm on the other side of me then leans down and kisses me. I squeak again then he gets ontop of me and kisses me with more vigor.
When the sun rises, I power up and look at Gerard. Gerard is already powered up, his porcelean still unclothed from last night. I smile and put my arms around him, my metal gently hitting his porcelean. "Good morning Gerard" I purr gently."Good morning my dear Wiress" He says, wrapping his arms around me. I nuzzle my head against his chest and he gently pets my head. His mother walks in and looks at us, shaking her head dissaprovingly. "I knew I heard your bed hitting the wall and squeaking but I figured she was strangling you or something like that. Not you two sleeping together! You girl, are a trollop!"
"I am not!" My eyes turn red instantly and she backs away. I take a deep breath and they return to normal. I burry my face in Gerards chest and he sighs. "Dont worry.. She will lighten up to you"
"I hope so" I sigh and the steam that escapes my mouth heats up his chest slightly. He goes back to petting my head and the smile returns to my face. "We should probably get up"
"Agreed" I get up and quickly get dressed, re-arming myself with all of my wepons and he gets up slower, whistling "I sure found myself a pretty automaton" I smile and strike a cute pose, one hand on my hip and one on my head with one of my legs up. We both laugh and I sit on my bed and watch him get dressed. A smile corsses my face "How did I ever end up with a guy as amazing as you?"
"Maybe your luck has finally changed"
"Maybe"
Once we are dressed, we both come down the stairs, hand in hand, both of us smiling. We sit down at the kitchen table with disaproving looks from Heidi and a smile from Gunther "Glad to see that both of you are awake. We thought you two had powered down for good"
"What time is it Mr. Sven?"
"Call me Gunther. And it is 8:59"
"8:59 ALREADY?!" I quickly get up from the table, all of the family looking at me in a confused way. I run out of the house, out to the barn and quickly untie Deadly Nightshade and start riding her to the town with many protests from Gerard "Wiress, you cant go back! They will murder you and use your head as a paper weight! Dont do this!"
"I have to"
Logged
pakled
Zeppelin Captain
*****
United States United States


Minions Local 305, at your thervice!


« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2013, 08:10:18 am »

This space intentionally left blank (can't delete previous entry)
« Last Edit: March 05, 2013, 10:33:48 pm by pakled » Logged
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2013, 09:00:46 pm »

Okay. And for anyone who reads this, some feedback would be nice
Logged
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2013, 07:18:32 pm »

Okay so for anyone who has read this or will read it, I am currently stuck on Chapter 3.Some help would be greatly appreciated so anyone with ideas, please pm them to me. It would be greatly ppreciated. And any suggestions too, pm them to me and I will put them into concideration
Logged
Narsil
Immortal
**
United Kingdom United Kingdom



WWW
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2013, 09:01:04 pm »

I like your writing style, it has a certain spontaneity and energy to it which works well with the first person narration.

There are a lot of things which depart from a conventional writing style the overall rhythm of the story is certainly unconventional but so far it does work with the subject matter, creating a sense of oddness which seems quite appropriate. I do think, however, that if you want to extend this into a longer work you might want to think of ways of breaking up the very fast paced descriptions of events with some more thoughtful scenes perhaps by introducing another first person narrator to the story.

« Last Edit: April 10, 2013, 05:54:41 pm by Narsil » Logged







A man of eighty has outlived probably three new schools of painting, two of architecture and poetry and a hundred in dress.
Lord Byron
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2013, 05:33:21 pm »

I am going to do that later on acctually, more around the time of the 20th century, and I am currently working on ways of breaking it up. I have many characters which I want to work into this story along with many events and wars. I do have a long task ahead of me but thank you for the thoughts.
Logged
pakled
Zeppelin Captain
*****
United States United States


Minions Local 305, at your thervice!


« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2013, 03:28:32 am »

I think you're where you want to be, or were...Wink There's everything from SP to a fembot sorta vibe going on here...you do descriptions far better than I. Keep 'em coming.
Logged
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2013, 05:46:51 am »

Thank you so much ^_^ really though, Im just a 15 year old girl who is having fun writing a story in a parallel, steampunk universe. And yes, she shall be in all the wars after this point in time so I need to do just a bit of research
Logged
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2013, 05:42:15 am »

I shall be posting the third chapter ina  week or so so please be patient and keep checking back in. Sorry for the delay.
Logged
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2013, 08:02:42 pm »

Chapter 3:
I rode into town hasitily. There were already posters with my name and face on it. I sigh and run into the dress shop. "Give me a dress. Now!" I point my gun at the womans head. She stuttres "Ma'am I dont have anything that you would like" I shot her instantly and took all of the dresses. It felt good killing people, not loving them like every other bloody automaton. [Body count: 29]
I went back to the tavern, shocked gasps filled tavern at the fact that I came back. I looked at the barmaid and she looked back at me in shock. I took my gun and pointed it straight between her eyes. She screamed then I shot her. I looked around the tavern and shot all of the five customers that were there. I left the gun and ran. [Body count: 35]
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE WAS A MASS HOMICIDE?" That is what I heard the second I walked into the house. Clearly the news had reached there. The second I walked into the kitchen, all eyes turned to me. One pair was full of hurt, another full of anger and one of confussion. "Were have you been?"
"Out on a shopping spree" I held up my bag of dresses, not disguising the fact that my hands had blood on them from taking some euros. "Shopping spree my ass! You were on a murdering spree!" Hans gasps and runs out of the room, screaming. I sigh and hang my head. "Okay so I murdered the entire tavern.. And the dress maker" I look up, my eyes going red and the ability to see her blood coursing through her. "Got a problem with that?" She stands up and takes a frying pan out from behind her back "Yes I do acctually" I stand up "Dont make me rip out your throat as well"
"All I intend to do is knock you out and turn you in to the authoritys for your bounty. That should cover enough to have us set for a year"
"You will do no such thing because if you did, I would escape, hunt you down, and murder you in the most horrific way possible"
"You wouldnt dare"
"Want to bet?" I say as I pull out my gun and train it on her head. She lowers her pan to the table and puts up her hands, surrendering. "Thats what I thought" I hissed through my clenched teeth. I put my gun back in its holster and look at Gerards shocked face. "What can I say? I'm a cold blooded ki-"
I power back up, looking around the cold, damp cell. My photo receptors adjust and I realized that she had hit me with the frying pan. Time to fufill my promise. I reach down to find that my weapons have been removed. I sigh and stand up. "Can someone let me out?"
"No we cant. You are under strict arrest you murderer. Also nice horse. It will make a fine adition to ours." I growl and quickly bend the bars with my strength. I walk out of them and crush the skulls of the guards. I stock up on many weapons and take my horse back. It feels so nice to be on this horse again.  I had a promise to fufill. I rode for a few hours to get to the house then hopped off of my horse and tied her up. I went up to the front door and kicked down the door. I scanned the area, looking for that wreched woman. Once I found her, I ran up the stairs. I kicked down her bedroom door and walked in. She screamed from fright and stoped her laundry folding. I smile, exposing all of my razor sharp teeth. "Miss me?"
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK!" She screeches "JUST LEAVE US ALONE!"
"I dont think your son wants to be left alone, considering how amazing our night was the other night. Remember that? We made love in the guest bedroom, causing the sheets to be covered in oil!"
"Stop! Just stop! You are a horrible person!"
"A horrible person talking to a bitch."
"I am NOT a bi-" I got sick of her talking and shot her. Gerard gasped as he ran up the stairs and saw the sight before him. My eyes filled with sadness "I'm sorry love. But I had a promise to keep." Without another word, I ran out of the house and got on my horse. Why did I feel so bad about this one death? Why did this one make a difference? I didnt feel bad when I murdered Dec's dad or Dec for that matter. But killing Gerards mother? Why was it different? I turned around and saw Gerard was riding behind me on his horse. I slowed down and rode beside him. "What do you want?" [Body count: 36]
"I want you, despite your faults. I'm happy to be rid of her, she worked me to the frame. She never gave me any respect or anything that I worked hard for. When Hans was born, I was left to take care of him, without any thanks. So I thank you Wiress. I thank you for freeing me" We rode silently for a few hours till we came upon a deserted barn. We tied our horses up inside then fed them and gave them water, getting a neigh of thanks from both. I tore down a rotting side and used some of the wood to make a small fire for both of us once it got colder.
"I'll keep watch first okay Gerard?" I threw a gun at him gently and he caught it with a nod. I went outside of the warehouse and stood, staring onto the horizon and the sky. I sigh and watch as my breath is seen. I smile "Winter is definatly here" I whisper to myself and lean my head against the barn.
I close my eyes and when I open them again, it is snowing. I run inside the barn and look at Gerard "Its snowing!" He stands up and I grab my hand then drag him outside, a smile on my face. We both look up into the sky and watch as snowflakes fall from the black sky. He gently takes my hand in his and we kiss. It is like a fairytale kiss because of the darkness and the snow. I wouldnt have it any other way really. I may be a cold blooded killer but I do have feelings sometimes. Once we break the kiss, there is a thin layer of snow on everything. We look at eachother and smile, happy a good thing has come along. I look at him and he looks at me. We start froliking in the snow and throwing snow balls and making snow angels. I have never felt such a moment of such fun like this before. I quite enjoyed it cctually. It gave me hope that maybe things would be better. I gasp loudly and instantly jump up and run inside rotting barn. Gerard looks up from his snow fort and looks at me, raising an eyebrow. I look at him "Its water! Its frozen water and I can rust because of it!" He walks inside, the water running off of him. He holds out his hand "I promise I wont let that happen. Just come and have some fun okay?" It takes me a second to decide. Should I go out in the snow and risk getting rusted or stay in here like a scared shut in? I hesitantly take his hand and he pulls me outside, more snow had accumulated since he had come inside. He pulled me close to him and we started dancing, kicking up some snow and causing icy flakes to fall around us.
The horses neigh and suddenly our heads whip in the direction we came. We both notice that there are lights coming our way. Without hesitation, we pick up armfulls of snow and dump it on the fire, extinguishing it. We untie the horses and get on them, riding away before we are seen. We ride deep into the woods and dont stop till midnight. The woods were dark and the horses couldnt see too well so we manually took the time and re-wired eachother so our photoreceptors would shine brighter for the horses sake. However, in turn that made us run out of power much sooner. We had to stand on the horses backs to grab wood then eat it so it went into our boilers. We saw a stream nearby so we went to that and grabbed some water to drink. We drank it down quickly, our boilers hissing as a thank you, then we went back on our journey through the forest.
                                                                                    .   .   .                                                     
I watch with anticipation as a group of humans come near us. Wiress looks at me and I look at her. She walks out from the bushes and kills them quickly, getting not a drop of blood on her. She is quite magnificent at what she does. I mean the way she kills people. She makes it look like she is a ballerina dancing before a crowd. She does it so flawlessly. I got lost in my thoughts and didnt notice her smiling at me. We left my house a few days ago and we still keep moving from town to town. By now, we are in Denmark. Apparently she had some 'unfinished' business to attend to.  We walked slowly towards a giant mansion. Wiress looks at me and smiles wikedly. "We're here."
She ties our horses to a tree and takes out two swords that she had aqquired along our trip. She takes off her hat then holds the flat top against the window. I am not too sure what she is doing so I raise an eyebrow. She punches the middle of the hat and the window shatters silently. That is very clever of her. She hops through the window and lands silently. I follow behind her as we walk down a corridor. She stops in front of a room labled 'Basement'. She sticks her ear against the door and listens. A smile comes accross her face and she slowly opens the door. She walks down the steps and dwn into the basement. As we got closer, I noticed that it was more of a laboratory than an actual basement. She takes out her rifle and readys her sword. She hides behind a large box and I hide behind her. She steps out and looks at the scientists. "I'm baaaack." She says in a slightly demonic voice. They all turn around and look at her. Her eyes go red as they take out their guns. "What do you want?"
"To murder you all" She smiles evily and pulls the trigger. The inventors pull their triggers quickly and one hit her but she didnt flinch. The guns fall silent and there is some screaming as she takes out her sword and starts killing them one by one. The sord goes through each of their necks easily and quickly. When she is done, the hem of her dress is blood stained. Something red flashes at the corner of her eyes but I cant see it too well. She looks at me then nods and with that, we are on our way.
Logged
Lady Ris
Deck Hand
*
United States United States



« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2013, 11:08:07 pm »

Overall, I like your concept. Previous reviewers have mentioned the pace. It is a little frenetic, but some additional descriptive phrasing should help. I'm more concerned with your lapses in tense. I find it very jarring to jump from present to past to past perfect in the same paragraph. A good editor can help with that, of course, but it could also keep a good editor from giving your story a chance. Keep writing! I want to see where the story goes.
Logged

“I believe you will find my daughter is not at all faint hearted.”
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2014, 03:36:19 am »

I am terribly sorry but I haven't edited anything yet. I tend to jump from tense to tense because I am an avid role player as well and it is a bit of a habbit... I shall edit everything soon. I haven't written anything in a while because of school and paragraphs and essays.
Logged
Antonus Fudge
Gunner
**
United Kingdom United Kingdom



« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2014, 08:46:45 pm »

A lot of great stories start with a memorable opening line. Your protagonist has just sparked and sputtered into unwitting life, so capture that; it would be quite alarming. Did you know, for instance, that there was this fifty-something year old man who had been blind since the age of three. In his fifties he was, by grace of recent technological advancements, given a chance to see again, and naturally he took it. Who wouldn't, right? The outcome? Within a year he was dead by his own hand, his new sense having rendered him useless, unable to navigate a world so alien to him. Your newly-animated 'bot may experience something of a similar nature. How she reacts to it - be it by killing everyone she sees or hiding in a corner and sobbing unto rust - tells us what sort of personality she possesses. With your first line (and I think the first half of it is pretty good as it stands; keep it) aim to give the reader just enough to want more. But tease the reader mercilessly. You are God in your story. Drip feed your audience only according to your whims, no more.

« Last Edit: March 03, 2014, 09:46:39 pm by Antonus Fudge » Logged

~ * ~
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2014, 07:04:55 pm »

I actually really like that ^_^ thank you so much.
Logged
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2014, 04:15:02 pm »

I'm sorry for the hiatus. I am currently editing it and working on chapter 4. I had already finished the first 3 chapters when I started this thread.
Logged
Keith_Beef
Snr. Officer
****
France France


« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2014, 09:18:33 pm »

A lot of great stories start with a memorable opening line.

I've always referred to Victor Hugo as an American writer who happened to be born French.

He begins chapters with a big, noisy, dramatic event; he runs with if for a while with excitement, and then after that goes into a flashback that explains in slower detail the events leading up to the big, noisy, dramatic event.
Logged

--
Keith
zanlia copperwire
Gunner
**
Canada Canada



« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2014, 04:08:16 am »

For those who may be inexplicably on the edge of their seat for this, I regretfully inform you that I will be cutting up the story and fixing it, starting back at the first chapter. I appologize but I garuntee it will be a lot better!
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.20 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Page created in 0.052 seconds with 16 queries.