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Author Topic: How to stop being single!  (Read 19797 times)
eggberta echegaray
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Eggberta
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2009, 09:54:28 pm »

Quote
Yes of course,go to e-matching.com or whatever it's called......

*sighs* ok...*takes a breath* LOL! This is going to turn into my manifesto...I do apologize...but ARGH!

De INTERNETZ is FULL of de FILTH! heh!

I have done a plethora of dating websites...and thus, so far, ziltch. On a happier note, I do know people, who have done the ehamony's, the match.coms...what ever they are called, and have had success. One friend met his wife on a dating website...so knowing this, does give one hope. But here's the kicker, with regards to my experience to finding love "online," especially on dating websites, which unfortunately to date, has been non successful.

Examples: A conversation will start up with someone, and it will start out normal, then it moves into them talking about *coughs* sex...I've been led to go on the web cam one time, thinking it was going to be super innocent, and low and behold...dude was fapping at his keyboard! On a number of occasions, a guy will send me, what I'm thinking will be a normal picture of themselves, but low and behold, it's a candid shot of their appendage (LOL!) Or, some guys I've come across, are just wanting me to "talk dirty" to them over the phone, or a voice chat program.

There are some right sick bastards out there, especially on "dating" websites, and it really puts a girl off from using them, due to all these negatory experiences...which might I add, has been a lot. When I have listed my "dating" profile...I'll get a crap load of men, from far away countries contacting me, (Usually most of them are "God fearing" o.O) who wish to "romanticize me up." Usually these men are either internet spam artists, or, they are looking to swindle some lonely Westerner woman into marrying them, as so they can get immigration status into their country through a marriage of convenience.   

Continuing on....When I have made up a "internet dating profile," I am listing it in the most benign areas...and also listing the most normalist of things, STEAMPUNK, being one of my many interests! Also, my interests are of a non sexual matter. So, I don't get it...also, my pictures are non sexual...I'm not posing in some bikini *screams!* Dear gawd, I'd scare people and make them wish to commit suicide...so um....yea. LOL!

Where I have been somewhat successful, with regards to "online dating" is from just randomly meeting someone in a chat room, or playing a game. Mind you...the relationships never did work out, (in hindsight, thank gawd!) due to a plethora of circumstances...one of many of them, was being distance...

So what's a girl to do, other than short of nothing!? *shrugs* LOL! Don't get me wrong, I'm not overly pessimistic about all of this. I do have hope, that one day...I will meet someone super special, over the coarse of time, be it through a "dating website" or a happenstance random online encounter, or merely standing in line at the grocery store, who knows! Hopefully, one of these days, I'll hit the "love" jackpot? Smiley "Oh Dare to Dream!" LOL! ;P
« Last Edit: April 04, 2009, 10:37:07 pm by eggberta echegaray » Logged

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Gryphon
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A is for Aether


« Reply #26 on: April 05, 2009, 05:25:58 am »

I met my wife on the bus.  In 3rd grade.  By the time we married, we'd been friends, then lovers, then housemates for a grand total of 15 years.  In my lifetime, I've only ever asked five women out on dates; three of these went nowhere after the first date, and the fourth dumped me after a year. 

I can add this: once I realized that I couldn't be without her, I dropped out of the college I was attending, loaded everything I owned into my Jeep and drove nonstop across two states to be in her dorm lobby when she came down for breakfast.  When she came down, I told her I would take any job I could find in town but that I wasn't going to live away from her ever again.  She told me not to be an idiot, to take the hometown job I knew was waiting for me about a three hours' drive away, and that she would transfer to the state school the next semester if I enrolled there as well.

I sacrificed a major advance in my fledgling teaching career to stay with her when she wanted to go to grad school in a state where I didn't hold licensure.   I ended up spending two years delivering gyros instead of directing an urban school district's at-risk program so I could be with her every day. Sometimes, you gotta mean it for something to work. 

This derogatory talk of "settling" has always confused and concerned me, as if the obvious choice was to be spurned simply because...well, why, exactly?  What does it mean to "settle," and how does it differ from "settling down?"  What else can any companion rightfully be expected to offer but their steady companionship?  If this is comfortable for both, why wouldn't that be enough?
« Last Edit: April 05, 2009, 05:34:18 am by Gryphon » Logged

quantumcat
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« Reply #27 on: April 05, 2009, 08:16:25 am »

"Settling" in the context I used assumes that neither party is worthy of genuine respect and affection but they'll "do" if one has to have a mate and no one adequate is expected to turn up.

This is why I'd prefer solitude or an authentic friendship to a forced imitation of romance.

When people give up on the idea that they're "broken" if they're not paired off,then they know they deserve more than an empty
relationship-and they want more than that for the people they're with.
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quantumcat
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« Reply #28 on: April 05, 2009, 08:55:33 am »

eggberta,

I found the safest places on IRC were the crime,occult,Gor and BDSM channels.

At three a.m. or so,the topics of discussion tended to be pets,trucks,home repairs,the workplace and the kids'  soccer team victories.

On the other hand,visiting  rooms such as #gospelchat  or #writers  during  prime time meant being deluged with messages from every Horny Net Geek who could type /list.

These wonders would send pics to my husband and even the channel bots.

Some,I fear,were of questionable character and others either altered their likenesses via Photoshop or were unable to walk
due to acromegaly of their bosoms (female),genitals (male) or whatever else they might assume was enticing.

Others had discovered that the most powerful sex organ is the brain.

They,too,demonstrated the beauty of their organ and how adept they were at using it but they had a bit more success in
getting positive responses or real life meetings.

The "pistachio" channels  created for sexual liasons were,ironically enough, less apt to harbor the obsessed or prurient than "vanilla" rooms where one might expect to find a predator's innocent and unwary prey.

Alas,the chat room ops never could direct me toward the places meant for someone whose orientation was more...er... butter pecan.

Things may be different now with the advent of steampunk rooms and the like but I agree,there has been far too much unseemly behavior and internet warfare to make it comfortable for  most people to look for conversation or companionship in
the uncharted realm of the aethernet.

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Gryphon
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« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2009, 03:26:02 pm »

"Settling" in the context I used assumes that neither party is worthy of genuine respect and affection but they'll "do" if one has to have a mate and no one adequate is expected to turn up.

This is why I'd prefer solitude or an authentic friendship to a forced imitation of romance.

When people give up on the idea that they're "broken" if they're not paired off,then they know they deserve more than an empty
relationship-and they want more than that for the people they're with.

Preferring solitude is one thing, but "Neither party is worthy of genuine respect and affection!?!!???"  You have succinctly demonstrated exactly what creeps me out about the phrase "settling."  According to your logic, single people aren't "broken" if they choose to remain single, but rather they are simply by nature subhumans undeserving of love and companionship.  What way is that to move through the world?

What makes a relationship empty is not the "superior" or "inferior" quality of the people in it, but rather when neither person puts anything into it because they're saying to themselves that they're just "settling for now" - in other words, one or both parties are still on the hunt for a "better catch" and neither actually mean to stay with the other.  That's not settling, that's lying for convenience (and sex.)  We have been infected by advertising into not loving the joy to be found in our own lives.  It's not nature, it's a choice, a choice not to "settle down" with what you actually possess in this world, but to continue questing for the theoretical/mythological Wonderful Other who will Fulfill Us Completely - or to just let it go and face solitude squarely and unflinchingly, Philip Larkin-style.

Physical proximity, simply spending time with or even just near each other, creates a bond among any two humans who are willing to let it happen.  It's the will to be close that makes for close friendships.

All we have to be is there for each other.  As Woody Guthrie said and Jonatha Brooke sings, "You're the sweetest angel in this world."  All any of us has to do is remember this, who we really are - bearing in mind that angels are also warriors and that Woodie's guitar had written upon it the words "This Machine Kills Fascists."  Wake up.  Be gentle, be honest, be brave.  The world is changing right now, and we're all gonna need each other.  Just Be There, and the rest will take care of itself.
« Last Edit: April 06, 2009, 03:38:30 am by Gryphon » Logged
Sir Newton Bridges
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« Reply #30 on: April 06, 2009, 05:45:00 am »

For the guys: When you're talking to a lass, look at the gal's EYES.  Her EYES.

you make it sound so simple  Roll Eyes
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quantumcat
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« Reply #31 on: April 06, 2009, 06:23:52 am »

This is why I say don't "settle" if one puts a negative spin on it.

One should assume that each party has something worthwhile to offer and the potential to become even more interesting
with time.

Someone who wouldn't fit the role as lifemate could be perfectly cast as a friend or  in  any number of other relationships.

Hans Christian Anderson  tells of  a creature who made a very ugly duckling but proved to be a comely adult swan.

Somewhere,there may have been a golden "cygnet" who received adulation until he grew up to be a bit shorter-necked and more fubsy than his peers

Either of those evaluations assumed that the ones judging knew what sort of being they were critiquing and knew what those
babies were supposed to be like.

Our natures aren't always obvious,either.

As long as we are growing,developing and creating who we are,we're still works-in-progress.

We can't know whether we or the person next to us is "substandard" if we don't know what the appropriate standards are or
if  construction of  physique and character is completed.

We don't exist to heal a deficiency in someone else nor should we seek another out as our "drug of choice."

We aren't so perfect that we can't gain from our associations with others but we aren't here to be someone's reason for being or to find our validation in our relationships.

If we base our associations on need,they can become too tumultuous or exploitative.

If we reach out to one another in a reverent delight that comes from being comfortable with one another,finding life a little richer by sharing the same universe and discovering something new and good in ourselves and others because we're partners in life's adventure,then we aren't "making do" until we can upgrade.

If we become too defeated,too resigned or too calculating,our thread of existence is limited to being spun,measured then cut.

If we take the risk of experiencing life with all its dignity and joy,then our skein acquires yet another Fate who winds the thread into a magic ball that reveals one gift after another as the fibers are put to work.

Forget being fearful or cynical.

Our task is to take our clew and see where it leads while enjoying the trinkets it bestows and tucking in a few treats of our own for the rest of the world to discover and enjoy.

" All any of us has to do is remember this, who we really are "

"Wake up.  Be gentle, be honest, be brave.  The world is changing right now, and we're all gonna need each other.  Just Be There, and the rest will take care of itself."

That's as true as it gets.
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MWBailey
Guest
« Reply #32 on: April 06, 2009, 06:50:18 am »

"Settling" in the context I used assumes that neither party is worthy of genuine respect and affection but they'll "do" if one has to have a mate and no one adequate is expected to turn up.

This is why I'd prefer solitude or an authentic friendship to a forced imitation of romance.

When people give up on the idea that they're "broken" if they're not paired off,then they know they deserve more than an empty
relationship-and they want more than that for the people they're with.

Preferring solitude is one thing, but "Neither party is worthy of genuine respect and affection!?!!???"  You have succinctly demonstrated exactly what creeps me out about the phrase "settling."  According to your logic, single people aren't "broken" if they choose to remain single, but rather they are simply by nature subhumans undeserving of love and companionship.  What way is that to move through the world?

What makes a relationship empty is not the "superior" or "inferior" quality of the people in it, but rather when neither person puts anything into it because they're saying to themselves that they're just "settling for now" - in other words, one or both parties are still on the hunt for a "better catch" and neither actually mean to stay with the other.  That's not settling, that's lying for convenience (and sex.)  We have been infected by advertising into not loving the joy to be found in our own lives.  It's not nature, it's a choice, a choice not to "settle down" with what you actually possess in this world, but to continue questing for the theoretical/mythological Wonderful Other who will Fulfill Us Completely - or to just let it go and face solitude squarely and unflinchingly, Philip Larkin-style.

Physical proximity, simply spending time with or even just near each other, creates a bond among any two humans who are willing to let it happen.  It's the will to be close that makes for close friendships.

All we have to be is there for each other.  As Woody Guthrie said and Jonatha Brooke sings, "You're the sweetest angel in this world."  All any of us has to do is remember this, who we really are - bearing in mind that angels are also warriors and that Woodie's guitar had written upon it the words "This Machine Kills Fascists."  Wake up.  Be gentle, be honest, be brave.  The world is changing right now, and we're all gonna need each other.  Just Be There, and the rest will take care of itself.
[/size]

I agree with most of what you're saying, Gryphon, but I personally prefer Pete Seeger's Banjo: "This machine surrounds hate and forces it to surrender."

But then, I play clawhammer banjo, so go figure...

MWBailey
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darkshines
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Miss Katonic 1898


« Reply #33 on: April 08, 2009, 08:33:44 am »

'm single because I tend to frighten or intimidate people, they eiher think I'm completly bonkers (and maybe they are right) or admire from afar but are too frightened to say anything. And I suppose my own taste doesn't help, when presented with a room of one hundred people, I will automatically be attracted to the shyest person in the home, I am a predator by nature, and find there is nothing more attractive than a man who stammers and trembles in my presence. The chances of this person ever getting close enough to even talking to me are slim to none.

I have also noticed that kind kind of people who are attracted to ME are often....less than desirable. The first thing I will judge you by is the way you carry yourself and conduct yourself, so if you come across as a complete weirdo (in an awful way), or are really cocky, or argue against everything I say, or come across as not interested, I will walk the other way.

Being pansexual can be intolerably difficult sometimes, the world may be a large fishbowl, but the people I seem to be attracted to are frightened deep sea lamp fish of some sort, exotic, rare, can't focus properly in sunlight....

Anyway, I feel I am rambling, but yes, it would be nice to find someone to settle down with, who can feed my electric eels, polish the brass work, travel through space and time. Its nicer flicking the switch if someone is holding your hand at the same time.....
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« Reply #34 on: April 08, 2009, 12:20:22 pm »

*sigh* my heart already belongs to another (it's complicated but technically I am single) but it sounds like we might get on very well Rosemary Cheesy
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darkshines
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Miss Katonic 1898


« Reply #35 on: April 08, 2009, 12:23:33 pm »

Don't break my heart Joe....  Sad
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JingleJoe
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« Reply #36 on: April 08, 2009, 05:49:22 pm »

Don't break my heart Joe....  Sad
Never! I will build you a spare mechanical one Grin
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Jake krugar
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« Reply #37 on: April 08, 2009, 07:16:34 pm »

'm single because I tend to frighten or intimidate people, they eiher think I'm completly bonkers (and maybe they are right) or admire from afar but are too frightened to say anything. And I suppose my own taste doesn't help, when presented with a room of one hundred people, I will automatically be attracted to the shyest person in the home, I am a predator by nature,

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

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clockwork creation
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Rapscallion Smile


« Reply #38 on: April 08, 2009, 11:53:25 pm »

'm single because I tend to frighten or intimidate people, they eiher think I'm completly bonkers (and maybe they are right) or admire from afar but are too frightened to say anything. And I suppose my own taste doesn't help, when presented with a room of one hundred people, I will automatically be attracted to the shyest person in the home, I am a predator by nature,

Spoiler (click to show/hide)




*face palm*


and damit jingle joe where are my clockwork spiders !
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I am a freak in control not a control freak
JingleJoe
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« Reply #39 on: April 09, 2009, 12:13:42 am »

Now now, don't be hasty master clockwork, it takes a long time to do anything in mad, mad science and we dont do anything unless its worth taking a long time to do it Smiley
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clockwork creation
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« Reply #40 on: April 09, 2009, 12:14:25 am »

just as we dont do anything unless we get to laugh madly Smiley
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Pnakotus
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« Reply #41 on: April 09, 2009, 09:39:31 pm »

People don't walk up to people's houses and knock.

Actually, I had that happen one evening.

True stories ...

I was sitting there in my apartment and got a knock on the door. When I went to answer it I found this rather attractive young lady standing there. "My friends ditched me and I really have nothing to do. You mind if I come in and hang out with you?" she says. "Of course. Come on in " I replied. She ended up hanging out until like 4am the next morning. Unfortunately during our hanging out I found out she had a boyfriend and so no romantic relationship started between us, but yes, they do occasionally come knocking on your door. Ended up that she lived in the same apartment building as me and ran into her several more times while we lived there, but alas, none of those times had she broken up with her boyfriend yet.

I've also come to figure out that either I have some split personality thing going on that I don't know about (or I should say, "am only vaguely aware of"), or they also call you up randomly at times too. Every once in a while I'll get a bunch of calls over a few days from people (guys and girls) that claim to have met me at the club some night the previous week and want to know when we're gonna get together again. Knowing that I hadn't been out the day they mentioned (at least not to my active personality's knowledge), I tell them they have the wrong number. Then they start arguing with me ...

 "But this IS <my name>, right?"
 "Yeah, that's me, but really I wasn't out that night."
"Aren't you about 5'6", brown hair, and wear <clothing description>?"
"Well, yeah, that does sound a lot like me and how I dress, but I don't know who it is you've been talking to or where you've seen me, because I wasn't out that night."
"But you gave me your phone number. Don't you remember talking to me? Why would someone who looks like you tell me your name and give me your telephone number if it wasn't you?"

Then I usually start worrying about my sanity and what other mischeivious things my other personalities may be getting me into.

Then there are times that I have to question the sanity of other people too. There was a time a couple years back that I was getting these calls from some girl and she kept asking for some name that wasn't me. I can't remember what name she was asking for now. Anyway, she would never believe me when I said I wasn't this person, and kept calling and calling over a period of a few weeks trying to trick me into admitting that I was this person and remember who she was. Ugh!
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JingleJoe
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« Reply #42 on: April 09, 2009, 10:51:11 pm »

Then I usually start worrying about my sanity and what other mischeivious things my other personalities may be getting me into.
Night out? Loss of memory?
It's called getting incredibly drunk mate Wink



Oh and another "knock on the door" story; My former friend kevin contacted me one day and said he didn't have the guts to go ask this girl out so we both went to see her having both known her some years ago, knocked on her door, hung out for a while, a few weeks I think and he asked her out and they were together for a few years, or they may still be now, last I heard was they broke up, but they did that a few times- break up then get back together. But she was a total bitch with some terrible attitude problems and kevin was a jackass with mental problems ... they were made for each other Roll Eyes
« Last Edit: April 09, 2009, 10:56:00 pm by JingleJoe » Logged
Pnakotus
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« Reply #43 on: April 09, 2009, 11:06:23 pm »

Then I usually start worrying about my sanity and what other mischeivious things my other personalities may be getting me into.
Night out? Loss of memory?
It's called getting incredibly drunk mate Wink
I can verify that it was not a case of getting incredibly drunk as it was during a time in my life when I wasn't doing any drinking at all. And we're not talking about memory loss. I had memories of those nights in question, the memories just weren't of going out to any clubs or social activities.
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garingling
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« Reply #44 on: April 09, 2009, 11:35:10 pm »

Back to the subject of how not to be single. I might have missed this point but if not here's my opinion and I haven't been single in 15 years. The number one thing I can recommend is to be open minded (don't judge a book by its cover). Give people a chance even if they don't seem like they are your type you might be surprised. And before I get the you have to be attracted to someone first before you strike up a conversation/make a move etc. comments. I have this to say I worked with my husband for a couple of months before we saw the attraction sometimes it isn't always there at first sight. However we became friends realized we wanted the same thing in life and the rest is history.
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eggberta echegaray
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Eggberta
« Reply #45 on: April 10, 2009, 01:50:41 am »

Back to the subject of how not to be single. I might have missed this point but if not here's my opinion and I haven't been single in 15 years. The number one thing I can recommend is to be open minded (don't judge a book by its cover). Give people a chance even if they don't seem like they are your type you might be surprised. And before I get the you have to be attracted to someone first before you strike up a conversation/make a move etc. comments. I have this to say I worked with my husband for a couple of months before we saw the attraction sometimes it isn't always there at first sight. However we became friends realized we wanted the same thing in life and the rest is history.

I totally agree with your opinions, with regards to this. I've had this sort of thing happen to me, many times, but unfortunately...at the time I realized, I fancied the person, it wasn't mutual, or vice versa. I guess it's mine and the other person's crappy luck. Timing is a major factor...My motto is...if it is meant to be, the Universe will acknowledge it, and provide it's happening or non-happening. I know some will say that's an idiotic outlook, but seriously, with regards to paying close attention, as to how the Universe operates...some things have happened in weirdo wacky ways.

Just when you think all is said and done...something happens, and either your luck turns your way, or not...Here's a "happy" story for you to ponder: Ok, I have this couple friend...They first met when we were all in our early 20's, and were a committed couple for the first 5 years of their relationship...major problems arose, so, they split up.

She went her way...and he had no choice, but to go his way, for she detested him and wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Over the span of the next 5 years, she met someone else, got married...then 2 years later, divorced that fella...then, she met another guy, and hooked up with him for 2 years. During these 5 years apart, my male friend got hooked on crack, went on a downward spiral...then got clean, went back to college and is now one of his city's best Drug and Alcohol counselors.

Then, stuff happened....my girlfriend, left the then current guy...and my male friend at that time, happened to be single...they re-connected 10 years later, fell in love all over again, and are now very happily married with two gorgeous little boys, for the past 8 years.

So...yea. LOL! They had to split up, in order to get back together again, and this time round, it is for life. Life is f'kd to say the least! LOL!  Anything will and does happen, be it for good or not so good, and it's a learning experience. Some people never learn their life lessons, (such as myself! LOL!) Whilst others embrace them and the universe pays them back in ways unimaginable.

Anyhow....I guess in short, what I am trying to express is...things happen for a reason, for good and not so good...be it, getting involved with another human being, for love. Lessons learned or unlearned, help one, get to where they need to be for their life course. Anything can happen in the blink of an eye...here today...*poof* gone tomorrow! Single today...*poof* coupled up tomorrow with someone you had no clue, you even fancied...but all of a sudden, this said person get's a new haircut and it's like "wooza!" I am totally diggin your hair...whoa...um...I'm totally diggin you too! Sh*&t! Where did these feeling of attraction come from?! ;P Who knows what's in store.
« Last Edit: April 10, 2009, 02:41:10 am by eggberta echegaray » Logged
garingling
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« Reply #46 on: April 10, 2009, 02:48:59 am »

Eggberta you do speak the truth about the universe. I didn't mention that we (the hubby and I) were broken up for a short period in the early years only to realise we were meant to be. Also I have a friend who was engaged and let's just say her other half commited the worst offense and they broke up. So while on a flight home from visiting England on a whim (I not attached I'm going moment) she ends up sitting next to a friend of a friend whom she had meet once and they have been dating since.
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eggberta echegaray
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Eggberta
« Reply #47 on: April 10, 2009, 02:59:50 am »

LOL...life is a mystery is all I know garingling Smiley I'd like to keep it that way. Keeps my brain busy! Tongue

Quote
she ends up sitting next to a friend of a friend whom she had meet once and they have been dating since.

That is friggen awesome for her! Smiley I like hearing things like this...out of the rubble so to speak...a shiny new penny emerges! Just wish something sweet like that would happen to me! heh! Smiley
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garingling
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« Reply #48 on: April 10, 2009, 03:02:19 am »

LOL...life is a mystery is all I know garingling Smiley I'd like to keep it that way. Keeps my brain busy! Tongue

Quote
she ends up sitting next to a friend of a friend whom she had meet once and they have been dating since.

That is friggen awesome for her! Smiley I like hearing things like this...out of the rubble so to speak...a shiny new penny emerges! Just wish something sweet like that would happen to me! heh! Smiley
I'll be optimistic for you after all we never know what's around the corner.  Wink
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quantumcat
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« Reply #49 on: April 10, 2009, 07:05:07 am »

Harlan Ellison was right about God being an Iron.

(One who is disposed toward  gluttony is a glutton. One who commits a felony is a felon. So,guess what an iron indulges in?)

I was coming off some very bad times when a friend asked me to "babysit" a fellow who had come in for a meeting while my buddy took a phone call.

The new fellow wasn't in the market for new relationships,either so we chatted dutifully until we had that *click* moment that
heralds the begining of a beautiful friendship.

We talked on the phone,met online and met in person when he visited various long-distance friends during a tour of the country.

He chose to move south and we became partners in a game store.

MUCH later,we became partners in life.

If I hadn't been drug over to meet some curmudgeonly Yankee while I was half-sick,short of sleep and down on all humanity,I'd have missed out on meeting one of my best friends and the father of my kittens...er...puppies...er... sugar gliders.

I think second chance relationships may work because there are fewer barriers and illusions than in  original romances yet there isn't the hesitancy to "endanger  the friendship" that can come when dealing with an equally familiar,platonic bond.

Like meeting the right stranger,a "rerun"  can slip love under the radar before one can block it with one's defenses.

But,there's the advantage of already having a history and knowing the pitfalls as well as the glories of being involved with one another.

My spouse and I may be exactly what the other was looking for in our youth but we'd have never gotten to the second date with our younger selves.

We had to go through those intervening decades to "grow up" enough to claim our happily ever after.
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