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Author Topic: How to stop being single!  (Read 19992 times)
Reni Valentine
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see here, Gus - nobody chaperones the chaperone

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« Reply #125 on: December 27, 2009, 10:09:59 pm »

i'm not entirely certain that anything i'm going to say hasn't already been mentioned, but i'll say it anyway...

1 - don't limit yourself to a particular "type." there are loads of single folks in the world who you may end up hitting it off with. who cares that she doesn't have red hair or that he has webbed toes (wait, actually, i care about the webbed toes thing because it's just foul). you're not walking down the proverbial aisle right now - would dinner kill you? oh, it would? about that...

2 - go out alone from time to time. we all know how fun it is to go out with your mates or your girlies, but someone who wants to approach you will often hesitate to do so as it's pretty daunting. not only do you have to try to connect with someone you may have never seen before in life, but you have to do so with an audience. it's a bit like the old scenario about standing in front of a group without your pants on. gods help us all if you're in the bar and genuinely don't have pants on...

3 - the "it happens when you stop looking for it" is bollocks. it's a bedtime story told to single people by people who are either lying or too nice to tell you that you're not succeeding because you fancy scumbags.

4 - it does however happen when and where you least expect it to. it could be at the market, the post, the tattooist, work (unless you're me - i work with miscreants and the generally unwashed. it's called IT), church (so i've been told), the podiatrist (sorry, the webbed toes thing is still giving me the wiggins)...

5 - ever see "Field of Dreams?" no? right, me neither... but my point is this - if you build it, they will come. as far as dating, i find that to mean that if you live your life as opposed to moping on and on about how no one will ever love you and drinking PBR like it's your job, the only person you'll ever get near is yourself (and if that's your drink of choice, invest in some Febreze as well). you want to find someone that you have at least a little in common with, right? well, how will you ever meet him or her unless you go and do said thing...?

NOTE: this is all wonderful advice that i've given to other people who are now nauseatingly in love. me? i've just ended my engagement so i am definitely not an expert

second NOTE: JingleJoe - i think you might be my hero. that's all.
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In all reality, "steampunk" is anachronistic, innit? Otherwise it's just Victorian dress-up.

chain smokin', sleep needin', apparel designin', mohawk havin', tea drinkin', steady cursin', boy charmin', card readin' rabble-rouser and amusement park cleverly disguised as a woman

TS245
Reni Valentine
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see here, Gus - nobody chaperones the chaperone

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« Reply #126 on: December 27, 2009, 11:26:37 pm »

Being pansexual can be intolerably difficult sometimes, the world may be a large fishbowl, but the people I seem to be attracted to are frightened deep sea lamp fish of some sort, exotic, rare, can't focus properly in sunlight....

handy tip - if a woman tells you that she's pansexual, it does not mean that she wants to sleep with you and your mate. if she tells you she is bisexual, it does not mean that you can sleep with her and her friend. i'd imagine the same is true for men, but seeing as i am not one (a man) i cannot answer definitively on the topic. but this has happened to me before and all it results in is a drink in the face. if a woman wants to sleep with you and your mate/wants you to sleep with her and her friend, she will tell you so. or you will have already discussed the additional fee for said service(s).

Never! I will build you a spare mechanical one Grin

i want a mechanical heart! one that doesn't make the weird gurgle blurble sound please...

9 times out of 10, when people stare at me, its out of admiration.

really? i need to hang out with you more... when people stare at me, it's usually just because i have a large chest.  Embarrassed

Damn, I'm the only one who wants to stay single or what??

i'm in no big rush to get back onto the proverbial horse, but i'm not really looking to spend too much time with myself either.

7. Look a girl in the eye, or at least at her face, when you're talking to her. If you're having a hard time doing that feel free to apologise. Girl's with breast's like mine, who dress the way I do, are fully aware of how distracting they are... that's kind of the point after all. We won't beat on you or get upset as long as you're honestly trying or at least aware of what you're doing. Just don't try to hold the conversation with them... they really don't talk.

yes. this. i think i will have this printed on my business cards henceforth...

*   Water seeks it's own level. If your a 5 its hard to get a 9 or 10 unless your very confident. Even harder if your a 3.
*   If you're fat, bald and old you should not be trying to pick up 20 year olds. (Yes I'm overweight, bald, and getting older but I have confidence and have never had a problem with women)

the problem with this is that often the threes fancy themselves as tens and the eights fancy themselves twos. the numbering system is all very subjective. i feel the need to add that if you are a giant racist or come from a family of such, it's probably not the most intelligent move to chat me up in a club (true story). two years down the line, it makes for awkward pauses in Christmas dinner with the family...

*   Don't talk about your hobbies unless they have the same hobbies. You may find that collecting belly button lint is fabulous but you will probably be the only one in the room who does.
*   DO ask about their interests and hobbies. I like to throw out strange questions sometimes. "If they were a superhero which one would they be" is a common one. But don't go into these if they aren't comic fans.

the superhero question applies universally, comic fan or not. sadly, because there are so many comic fans it's been overused. keep in mind - one strange question is quirky and interesting; an evening full of them is really creepy...

*   In this day and age the first date should not be Dinner and a movie. It's to hard to talk while your eating and its rude to during the movie. Save this for the 3rd date. The first should be coffee or a long lunch.

i have a moral opposition to dinner and a movie at any point prior to being in a relationship with someone. it's difficult to do the "getting to know you" while eating and during a movie there's always the awkward moment of figuring out where to put one's hands...

*   Seriously if your not getting anything on a regular basis it's ok to spend some dough on a professional if you ask me. Get a nice one. If its 300 bucks every three months you're still paying less than some guys do just dating.

um...how does that help one to not be single? i mean, if it's just about having a little time with an extra gear (or cog - whatever buttons your waistcoat), there are plenty of ways to do so without going into debt. i'm just saying...

*   Learn how to fold an origami flower. It's kinda cute if you fold one in front of her at dinner then give it to her. Or if most the flowers out there are too complex for you try the swan. They are rather simple.

yes. this. bonus points if you can make an origami bat as they are made of spooky paper win.

*   STAY OFF YOUR PHONE while on a date. Don't look at your watch every 15 minutes.

exception - if you have an emergent situation, at least excuse yourself from the immediate vicinity, apologise, and be quick about it. when you come back, apologise again. some people will want a small explanation - i find that to be too intrusive. unless i have a new sitter, i tend to leave my phone in the bottom of my purse and turned off. my ex used to leave his in the car.

Common interests are good, but so are complimentary differences.

yes. this.
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Mister Griffiths
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« Reply #127 on: April 19, 2010, 09:05:08 pm »

It's very easy to fail on internet dating. Forget real life meetings. 95% of people you contact aren't responding, 4% that does respond aren't particularly willing to meet people in real life, or at least me. The other 1% are people whom you are now FRIENDS with. Not that that's a bad thing, I now have an activity partner to go antique-shopping! But that wasn't quite what I searched for initially.

But making friends through dating sites does help you meet other people in real life, which are again a potential match! That's been my strategy for several months now (of the several years I've been trying to date) and I must say it relieves from emotional damage being ignored and refused and all that (which I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing this).


Okay, I'm gonna give all you single people some powerful knowledge! Wink There is one dating site that's fun, free and without any restrictions regarding dating and swapping contact info, and alot of people are there! I've met a good steampunk friend from here, and there are quite some steampunk lovers still to be found on there. Also try out the ever increasing amount of steampunk tests! Do join, and help converting okCupid into A STEAMY PLAYGROUND UTOPIAN! (and search my profile, Joozey. We can be friends. Cheesy)

Perhaps we need to advice Doctor Steel to pay the site a visit...

okCupid!


Ahem, cough cough cough I might have been on there for a few years.... cough cough cough
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chainmailleman
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« Reply #128 on: April 21, 2010, 07:00:53 pm »


I've already been on there for a month or two, there are no nice mad people anywhere near me though Sad


Thats my problem too. My genius is too much for the timid country girls in my area. Maybe one day I'll find my "over the top" girlfriend....lol
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KJ6GOT
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« Reply #129 on: April 22, 2010, 09:05:51 am »


Quote
2 - go out alone from time to time. we all know how fun it is to go out with your mates or your girlies, but someone who wants to approach you will often hesitate to do so as it's pretty daunting. not only do you have to try to connect with someone you may have never seen before in life, but you have to do so with an audience. it's a bit like the old scenario about standing in front of a group without your pants on. gods help us all if you're in the bar and genuinely don't have pants on...

This.

With bells on.

Going out alone, and having to meet, win-over and socialise with a bunch of complete strangers will rapidly increase your confidence and social skills.
It doesn't always work I'll admit, but most of the time it does - From a personal angle when I split up with one of my exes some time ago I used this to get myself mentally back on my feet; it was an absolute winner, made loads of new friends and had earned some very very odd anecdotes.
Just make sure you're making attempts at meeting people when out alone. Sitting sadly in the corner of a bar nursing a pint of mild is not going to win you any brownie points.

Otherwise I can only back up what others have said - Women can smell desperation, it smells of failure. The more people you talk to the greater chances of meeting someone you're compatible with. Taking care of yourself and your appearance really counts; why expect people to think highly of you if you appear to think nothing of yourself.



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Pheobsky
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« Reply #130 on: April 22, 2010, 10:49:09 am »

3 points:
1) If you are looking for persons of the opposite sex, make sure they realise you're not gay (especially for chaps of a more mid disposition) This is a problem that has lead to people overlooking advances on more than one occasion before- as I learned at far later dates... Tongue
2) Let people know if you're interested -it's pretty self explanatory, but still hard to do & surprisingly often overlooked.
3) Confidence! this has been mentioned several times already, but I feel it is worth mentioning again. Don't stoop, stand up straight (although not necessarily bolt upright as that can be a little intimidating) look people in the eyes & most importantly if you're on a date make sure you both enjoy yourselves!

On a side note, a glass (or two) of wine or such can be wonderfull when it comes to loosening your tongue, definitely don't get plastered, but it's usefull for that little bit of Dutch courage!
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Polaris
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« Reply #131 on: April 30, 2010, 08:17:31 pm »

Most of what needs to be said has been said, but I'll just add my two cents worth...


For the Ladies:

You have the sexual organs men want. That makes you desirable. It doesn't matter if you're a zero or an eleven- Especially since a zero can become an eleven with the right amount of confidence, make-up and fashion sense. You've still got what men want. Therefore, if you walk into a bar, you are 50 times more likely to walk out on the arm of any man you want than a man in the same position would be. Men are not so lucky. It's a simple law of "Supply and Demand". They know this. So if a guy comes up to you- unless he is being obviously obnoxious- and you are not interested: Be firm but gentle. It may have taken him a lot of courage ((possibly poured from a bottle, depending on the situation)) to speak to you. You're not doing anyone any favors by being cruel- nor are you doing so by giving false hope. Thank him for his interest ((because it's a compliment no matter who it's coming from)) but inform him in no uncertain terms that you're not interested.

If you are interested, don't sleep with him on the first night. That's just trashy. But do let your intentions be known. Honesty and a straightforward approach will serve you a lot better than being overly shy, flirtatious, or otherwise not yourself. Be who you are, not who you think he wants you to be, because you never know what people are really looking for in a mate. Maybe you aren't a punk-rock goddess, but maybe the cute mohawk boy just got out of a relationship with one and wants someone who's completely different. You just don't know.

You should try to initiate a meeting with a guy you may be interested in, because 9 out of 10 times he'll be too scared to be the one to do it. If he's making eyes with you, but isn't coming over, go say hello. If you break the ice with casual conversation, he may build up the courage to ask you out.

After that first initial meeting, keep it casual for the first few dates. This lets the two of you become comfortable with each other. You should let him make the first moves... He calls you. He offers the date... This keeps him from thinking you're just in it for the free meals or that you're clingy/desperate. That's what the experts say, and I've witnessed it enough to say it has some credence, but every new relationship is different. Also, men like a challenge. If you're too easy you won't hold their attention for long. But don't be unobtainable.


For the Men:

It's been said so many times for a reason.... BE CONFIDENT!  If there's a girl you may be interested in, say something. If you want to break down later and say how hard it was for you to do it, we'll think it's cute. But in that first initial 'Hello' its hard for a woman to take you seriously if you can't man up and show some balls. The worst thing that could possibly happen is for her to say "No." Then what? You're out a few minutes of your time and at least you have an answer. Far better than pining for days/weeks/months/years on end or wondering what could have been. You're life's not over if she's not interested.

Don't try for that overly confident/ cock-sure approach either. There's nothing more off putting to a woman than a man who 'knows' he can get her into bed. At that point we're going to turn you down just because you challenged us to do so. Honesty and real confidence will win it for you every time.

Brownie points: Women like gifts. I'm not talking giant expensive things or a new necklace or something... The origami flowers at dinner? Genius! I can't think of a single woman I know who wouldn't think that was the cutest thing ever. When my fiance and I started dating he would bring me a can of soda every morning. It was just something he grabbed from his fridge at home on the way in, but I never asked for it, and it was always appreciated. On days when I had a night class, one of my exes would bring me a cup of hot water for my tea before he left to go home. Sometimes he'd draw little pictures on the lid. ((That had nothing to do with why he's now an ex)) You don't have to buy us, but we do like to be shown that you're thinking about us.


I could go on and on for both parties involved, but I won't bore everyone. So I'll just sum up my limited knowledge by saying that the keys to finding and keeping that perfect someone is honesty, kindness, and communication...

Above all, and this is for both sexes as well: "Love is not a comparative alga-rhythm." You cannot use someone else's relationship as a model for your own. Do what feels right and works for you.



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"Then the Gods of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew
And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true
That all is not gold that glitters, and two and two make four
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more."~Kipling; 1919
Haizea
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« Reply #132 on: May 03, 2010, 10:45:35 am »

I can't give you relationship advice, because...well, lacking experience in that particular department. But I can give you common sense! I'm told I have a lot of that.

Stand up straighter. Put your shoulders back and lift your chin a bit so the world can see your face. Actually lift your feet when you walk so you don't drag them along the ground.
Now I'm not saying stand to attention like a soldier, march everywhere you go and only look at the sky. I don't need to tell you that would just look silly. But good posture tells everyone around you that you're confident, whereas shuffling along with your shoulders hunched forwards and your gaze firmly fixed on the floor...doesn't.
I've seen numerous people walk like this – actually, I used to walk like this myself. Unsurprisingly, I got no attention (Because I gave the impression of trying to be invisible – even though I wasn't – and people treated me as such). When I started lifting my chin up it felt...odd. A bit like I was strutting everywhere, and I immediately felt compelled to stare at the floor again. But I got used to it, started walking with my chin up and my hair tied back so I wouldn't hide behind it (it's a bad habit of the shy and long-haired) and hey presto – started getting attention. It's logic, really. How are people going to be attracted to you when they can't see your face?
I'd still consider myself shy. But I get complimented on the way I walk and move. I suppose being comfortable and content in my own skin manifests as a sort of...quiet confidence, so to speak.
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« Reply #133 on: May 04, 2010, 09:57:06 pm »

Some advice from a happily married man who spent way too many years being single before figuring a few basics out. Since the thread is about not being single, I'm going to assume the goal is some form of Long Term Relationship (LTR), be it marriage, handfasting, shacking-up, or what have you. If you're only looking for short-term, this advice likely won't apply.

  • First, you need to decide on exactly what you will not compromise on. Absolute blunt honesty here is REQUIRED. Don't make the list with the intention that you will one day show it to your mother or your sweetie. It needs to be your most personal requirements for happiness. There will also be varying stages of compromise.
(eg. One of my items on my list was that my future mate "must not have a drug problem." Hard drugs, even past use of, were immediate disqualifiers (cocaine, heroin, etc.). I don't care if "people can change," I simply did not want that baggage in my mate. However, lighter use (pot, LSD, 'shrooms) I was fine with even their occasional use by my mate and even myself, so long as we both knew one day we'd have to give it up as part of being a responsible parent (wanting kids was another requirement). Alcohol and cigarettes, however, I was fine with, even after future children would be born, so long as alcoholism was not a perceivable threat. (note, my wife and I eventually quit tobacco anyway, for health and practical reasons).

  • Related to #1, but important enough to merit it's own separate section, is that your views on kids and marriage and last names need to be decided. If you are absolutely the kind to never get married, never want kids, or if you are female and will insist on keeping your maiden name, or hyphenating, you not only need to decide just how firmly set you are on it, but you also need to make your dates aware of your feelings when it is appropriate. Some won't care, some it will be a very big deal for, some will negotiate, but you need to know where you stand. Again, brutal honesty is REQUIRED or you will not be happy.
(eg. My personal requirement was that I did eventually want to get married, I wanted my wife to accept my last name, and I wanted to either have kids or adopt. Whether this sounds like barbaric adherence to a past institution of (insert anarchist rant here) doesn't matter. It was what I wanted from a LTR to be happy. My reasons are my own, and so are yours.)

  • Once you have your IPOC (Inverted Pyramid of Compromises), you need to stick to your guns and treat dates as basically an interview process for the job of LTR. Just like in a real job-search, you may have multiple interviews before being hired, or after that 3rd and final one, they just decide you're not the right candidate for the position. You need to take the same approach to dating. If he or she is absolutely beautiful, but violates your IPOC in ways you simply cannot be comfortable with, you need to break it off, as painful as it may be. You CANNOT assume that you can change them to make you happy. Even with a perfect match with no IPOC crossings, there are too many issues that will arise during the course of a LTR where one or both of you will be required to change and compromise in order for the relationship to last.
(eg. After coming up with my IPOC, a girl I'd been lusting after since my High School days revealed she'd always had a crush on me. We went out a few times, and she revealed she'd never change her last name. Again, my reasons are my own, but that was simply too important to me to compromise on. Either I would be unhappy our entire married life, or she would if I forced the issue, or we'd waste months dating only to realize it could never work, when I could have been out looking for someone else. So I broke it off. I met my wife about a week later during an event I wouldn't have been at had I kept dating the previous woman.

  • You need to be realistic about your appearance. Each negative trait reduces the chance someone will be interested in you. If you are having a lot of trouble finding mates who are interested in you, take a look at yourself in the mirror. Are you obese? If so, consider losing weight. It's really not hard unless you have a real medical condition. It just takes the same sort of discipline and grown-up attitude anything else in life does. You wouldn't half-ass your marriage, would you? Would you half-ass your degree? How about your job? Would you half-ass being a parent? Hopefully none of the above. So why would you half-ass your health, or your appearance. Take care of as many flaws as you can. Get an attractive haircut, take a shower and use deodorant, use skin-care products if you have to. I will leave all the talk about how "it's what's inside that counts" to others. Reality is, most people, and by most I mean upwards of 100%, decide in the first 30 seconds of meeting you if they'd ever mate with you. If you aren't attractive to them, guess what their decision will be?
(eg. I sported a mullet, dirty clothing that looked as old and used as it really was, and reeked of smoke. Why is unimportant, suffice it to say I was lazy and messy. And it showed. It took some money and time, but I fixed it. I also learned to do laundry more regularly.)

  • If you have some sort of weird thing you do that amuses your friends, don't. Your friends love you because you're their friend. They know the inside joke that explains your funny sentences or manners of speech. Your date doesn't. Speaking with an imaginary friend (Danny in Karate Kid), or talking about yourself in the third person (Gollum in LOTR), or pretending that your soul swims in Darkness (pretty much any Goth at the club), is neither charming nor attractive, nor is it going to get you laid, much less a stable LTR. With a date, you have a clean-slate. A chance to be someone your friends don't expect you to be. A chance to be someone who doesn't have to live up to any preconceived notions of class, caste, or clique. Don't blow it by pigeon-holing yourself back into the same part you've been playing for years. Not only will it weird your date out, but it will be considered a liability to your date, not an asset.
(eg. I used to talk about "The War" all the time. "That reminds me of the war..." or "Back in the war, we used to..." Spoiler: I was never in any damned war! It was a stupid inside joke that originated years earlier, and friends tolerated it because they were my friends. I also had a bad habit of reacting to things in a similar fashion to Christopher Lloyd (prof. from Back to the Future, Jim from Taxi), or talking in weird voices. Again, inside jokes with friends. Thank G-d I realized I didn't have to BE that guy before I met my wife, or she would have dropped me like a bad habit.

  • From the very first date, it needs to be understood that you will never knowingly insult your date, nor will you allow yourself to be insulted by them. Because of today's rather uncivil social protocols, friends insult one another constantly, and oftentimes, boyfriends/girlfriends will as well. It is usually taken in good fun, and even if it isn't, both of you can always go home at the end of the night, blow off some steam, and try again the next time when you've had some rest. When you live with someone, it's an entirely different matter. Not only do you sleep next to them at night, you share your whole life with them. Little insults add up quickly. They evolve into bigger insults easily. Of all the couples I've seen split up in my lifetime, the one CONSTANT factor I always noted between them was that the couple insulted each other freely, even if it was in jest. If you joke with one another, do so without insulting them. If you wish to criticize the other, make the issue about what they did, not who they are. If you are insulted, explain what they said that insulted you, why, that you would like an apology, and that you do not want them to insult you again. Likewise, if you insult them, even unknowingly, you need to apologize and make a mental note to not do it again.
(eg. On our third date, my wife took me to "The Club" and introduced me to her friends. I'd talked about how I liked to dance, though I was certainly no Fred Astaire, and looked forward to dancing with her. After we danced, she waited until we were all surrounded by her friends before she mocked me with "I thought you said you could dance," then laughed at me there, along with her friends. I ended it that moment. Seriously. I'd made up my mind I was breaking it off. I didn't speak to her the rest of the evening, and while driving her home, I told her it was over, and why. I also told her it would be a cold day in hell before I ever went back to that club with her again. She apologized profusely, had no idea I was so upset over it, and promised not to insult me again. Even then, it took occasional reminders to her not to insult me, because her past relationships had been so awful that insults between her and her exes while they were dating was commonplace. She simply never knew any better. It has been an uphill struggle, but even still, in the near 10 years we've been together, she has directly insulted me perhaps only 5 times, and I have unknowingly insulted her once. That's a far better track record than any Ex-couple that I know.)

  • Learn to budget your money, learn to balance your finances, learn how to plan for retirement, how to save for a house, how to read your credit report, etc. As shallow as it may seem on the surface, money is EXTREMELY important to a successful LTR. Financial reasons are the #1 cause for divorce. Cheating is 2nd, if that gives you any idea of just how important money really is, no matter what people claim to believe, or even honestly believe. If you cannot budget, cannot save, cannot improve your credit, then your relationship is heavily weighted towards failure. Mating with someone (as in pairing up, not just sex) is as much about improving one's own lot in life as it is not wanting to be alone. If you or your partner feels like progress is never made, or indeed, that you are even backsliding on your lot in life with no hope of improvement, then it is only a matter of time before one or both of you feel like you could do better with someone else. If financial guides read like ancient Greek tomes to you, then I recommend this book "The Richest Man in Babylon" by George S. Clason. It's a series of about a dozen short-story allegories easily readable by a teenager in one evening, each of which presents a valuable financial lesson in a fashion similar to Aesop's Fables.

    (eg. My brother is getting divorced after 20 years of marriage. 20 years... Why? Money. His wife never learned to balance money and he refused to learn himself. He just found out. It wasn't a sudden overnight thing, it was year after year after year of just barely scraping by, having nothing set aside for retirement, never any money in reserve for emergencies, nothing saved up for a new house. As of now, both are roughly barely a fraction of a percent better off than they were when they first met. That's just not reasonable to expect of your mate or yourself. Living life hand-to-mouth is for singles flying by the seat of their pants and passion, not for couples looking for a stable relationship to grow old together.)

  • Address little issues before they become big ones. Cheating is rarely about simple inability to keep it in the pants. The person cheating is doing so because there's something they are either seeking that isn't in their current relationship, or they are avoiding something that is. Financial disaster is rarely the result of one isolated incident, but rather years of failing to plan for emergencies and failure to put aside savings. Genuine hatred or dislike of your mate is almost never the result of one argument, but is a combination of years of insults, disappointments, and lack of communication. If something bothers you seriously enough that you're thinking about it when you still go to bed at night, you need to talk to your mate about it. If you can't, then you need to figure out why. Is it their refusal to listen, or your refusal to word it appropriately in a way that gives them the ability to correct the action. Is the onus entirely on them, or do you also bear the responsibility of the situation? If you can't work it out yourselves, get counseling while you're still WILLING to sort it out, rather than after you both have given up.
(eg. At one point my wife said "I just don't like you anymore." It crushed me more utterly and thoroughly than anything or anyone had ever done before. Thankfully, she still -wanted- to like me. There was nothing, however, that I could think of to say or do to change her feelings of me. Though I'd been raised with a serious distrust of marriage counselors, I had an even more serious fear of divorce, so I agreed, despite all trepidation. Thank G-d that I did. It saved our marriage. There were problems that both of us had to sort out, things that took a neutral third party to help us realize that neither of us would have realized on our own. On a similar note, my brother, a few years back, told me about how his wife would occasionally explode at him and cuss him out in front of the girls while shouting and throwing things at him. I suggested he get counseling and he told me that stuff was for p---ies who couldn't handle their own relationships. This is the same brother who is now getting divorced.)


Not being single is as much about maintaining the relationship you have as it is getting one in the first place. It's a tough balancing act, and once you have an LTR, it needs to be your priority in life. Not your job. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not your World of Warcraft, your Sports, your Club, or your shopping. Your mate is your priority. Always. That doesn't mean you can't get some alone time, or time with friends, but it does mean when you have to choose, you choose your significant other, and they should always choose you. Your mate should be your best friend in the world, not just the person you shack up with and occasionally knock steamy boots with. Anything else, and you're just fooling yourself into not breaking off a Short Term soon enough.
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« Reply #134 on: June 16, 2010, 01:11:36 am »

My advice:  Find something that you enjoy doing that gets you out of the house and meeting people.  Whatever it is, do it well enough to be good at it.  That's it, really. 

This ensures you're actually out there meeting people; you're doing whatever activity it is for its own reasons, so you're happy and natural.  And if you're good at it, you'll be confident.  Happy and confident people attract others to them.

In my case, I met my wife through a hiking group I ran.  Of course she asked me out - I couldn't believe she'd be interested in me, so wouldn't have dared ask her - but I was having fun running the club, and that showed me off at my best.  Amateur theatre was the other great way I met girls; also good for building self-confidence when you're painfully shy like I was - working backstage is great for geeks and gets you in the door, but acting gets you noticed more. 

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« Reply #135 on: June 16, 2010, 06:36:00 pm »

My advice:  Find something that you enjoy doing that gets you out of the house and meeting people.  Whatever it is, do it well enough to be good at it.  That's it, really. 
Hear hear, this rule is good stuff! Maybe I'll do some outside science ... but then I am likely to get arrested "Wait officer, no! It's just hydrochloric, hydrochloric 0.5 molarity!"
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« Reply #136 on: June 16, 2010, 06:49:04 pm »

Well...first I have to address just how I found my current girlfriend...

This may sound utterly and completely crazy to you but...facebook....then I went to her house and met her...

That covers meeting the girl (or guy if your a girl yourself) but now, I must address keeping the girl (or guy).
This is a simple answer, though it is definitely easier said than done: talking...alot..ALOT.

And I mean about everything...feelings, how your day was, your fears and ambitions, secrets...but hey...I would be careful about who you open up to, im comfortable with my girlfriend and can see us together for a long time, but thats cause we talk all the time.


----------

Now. How to get the person and/or keep them interested. This is a toughy, as it is entirely a matter of opinion of what traits are prefered and what isnt.
Some people like a funny guy/girl and some people want someone whos very serious and almost never a goof.
You just need to be yourself to everyone, if someone is interested, it will work itself out. Ive always heard those words but though "oh sure thats easy for someone to say if they are in a relationship", but its true. If no one has snatched you up by now, then that is the aethers way of telling you that no one is really worth it or good enough for you, or the right person.
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Brass_Surgeon
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« Reply #137 on: July 22, 2010, 08:56:20 am »

Some advice from a happily married man who spent way too many years being single before figuring a few basics out. Since the thread is about not being single, I'm going to assume the goal is some form of Long Term Relationship (LTR), be it marriage, handfasting, shacking-up, or what have you. If you're only looking for short-term, this advice likely won't apply.

  • First, you need to decide on exactly what you will not compromise on. Absolute blunt honesty here is REQUIRED. Don't make the list with the intention that you will one day show it to your mother or your sweetie. It needs to be your most personal requirements for happiness. There will also be varying stages of compromise.
(eg. One of my items on my list was that my future mate "must not have a drug problem." Hard drugs, even past use of, were immediate disqualifiers (cocaine, heroin, etc.). I don't care if "people can change," I simply did not want that baggage in my mate. However, lighter use (pot, LSD, 'shrooms) I was fine with even their occasional use by my mate and even myself, so long as we both knew one day we'd have to give it up as part of being a responsible parent (wanting kids was another requirement). Alcohol and cigarettes, however, I was fine with, even after future children would be born, so long as alcoholism was not a perceivable threat. (note, my wife and I eventually quit tobacco anyway, for health and practical reasons).

  • Related to #1, but important enough to merit it's own separate section, is that your views on kids and marriage and last names need to be decided. If you are absolutely the kind to never get married, never want kids, or if you are female and will insist on keeping your maiden name, or hyphenating, you not only need to decide just how firmly set you are on it, but you also need to make your dates aware of your feelings when it is appropriate. Some won't care, some it will be a very big deal for, some will negotiate, but you need to know where you stand. Again, brutal honesty is REQUIRED or you will not be happy.
(eg. My personal requirement was that I did eventually want to get married, I wanted my wife to accept my last name, and I wanted to either have kids or adopt. Whether this sounds like barbaric adherence to a past institution of (insert anarchist rant here) doesn't matter. It was what I wanted from a LTR to be happy. My reasons are my own, and so are yours.)

  • Once you have your IPOC (Inverted Pyramid of Compromises), you need to stick to your guns and treat dates as basically an interview process for the job of LTR. Just like in a real job-search, you may have multiple interviews before being hired, or after that 3rd and final one, they just decide you're not the right candidate for the position. You need to take the same approach to dating. If he or she is absolutely beautiful, but violates your IPOC in ways you simply cannot be comfortable with, you need to break it off, as painful as it may be. You CANNOT assume that you can change them to make you happy. Even with a perfect match with no IPOC crossings, there are too many issues that will arise during the course of a LTR where one or both of you will be required to change and compromise in order for the relationship to last.
(eg. After coming up with my IPOC, a girl I'd been lusting after since my High School days revealed she'd always had a crush on me. We went out a few times, and she revealed she'd never change her last name. Again, my reasons are my own, but that was simply too important to me to compromise on. Either I would be unhappy our entire married life, or she would if I forced the issue, or we'd waste months dating only to realize it could never work, when I could have been out looking for someone else. So I broke it off. I met my wife about a week later during an event I wouldn't have been at had I kept dating the previous woman.

  • You need to be realistic about your appearance. Each negative trait reduces the chance someone will be interested in you. If you are having a lot of trouble finding mates who are interested in you, take a look at yourself in the mirror. Are you obese? If so, consider losing weight. It's really not hard unless you have a real medical condition. It just takes the same sort of discipline and grown-up attitude anything else in life does. You wouldn't half-ass your marriage, would you? Would you half-ass your degree? How about your job? Would you half-ass being a parent? Hopefully none of the above. So why would you half-ass your health, or your appearance. Take care of as many flaws as you can. Get an attractive haircut, take a shower and use deodorant, use skin-care products if you have to. I will leave all the talk about how "it's what's inside that counts" to others. Reality is, most people, and by most I mean upwards of 100%, decide in the first 30 seconds of meeting you if they'd ever mate with you. If you aren't attractive to them, guess what their decision will be?
(eg. I sported a mullet, dirty clothing that looked as old and used as it really was, and reeked of smoke. Why is unimportant, suffice it to say I was lazy and messy. And it showed. It took some money and time, but I fixed it. I also learned to do laundry more regularly.)

  • If you have some sort of weird thing you do that amuses your friends, don't. Your friends love you because you're their friend. They know the inside joke that explains your funny sentences or manners of speech. Your date doesn't. Speaking with an imaginary friend (Danny in Karate Kid), or talking about yourself in the third person (Gollum in LOTR), or pretending that your soul swims in Darkness (pretty much any Goth at the club), is neither charming nor attractive, nor is it going to get you laid, much less a stable LTR. With a date, you have a clean-slate. A chance to be someone your friends don't expect you to be. A chance to be someone who doesn't have to live up to any preconceived notions of class, caste, or clique. Don't blow it by pigeon-holing yourself back into the same part you've been playing for years. Not only will it weird your date out, but it will be considered a liability to your date, not an asset.
(eg. I used to talk about "The War" all the time. "That reminds me of the war..." or "Back in the war, we used to..." Spoiler: I was never in any damned war! It was a stupid inside joke that originated years earlier, and friends tolerated it because they were my friends. I also had a bad habit of reacting to things in a similar fashion to Christopher Lloyd (prof. from Back to the Future, Jim from Taxi), or talking in weird voices. Again, inside jokes with friends. Thank G-d I realized I didn't have to BE that guy before I met my wife, or she would have dropped me like a bad habit.

  • From the very first date, it needs to be understood that you will never knowingly insult your date, nor will you allow yourself to be insulted by them. Because of today's rather uncivil social protocols, friends insult one another constantly, and oftentimes, boyfriends/girlfriends will as well. It is usually taken in good fun, and even if it isn't, both of you can always go home at the end of the night, blow off some steam, and try again the next time when you've had some rest. When you live with someone, it's an entirely different matter. Not only do you sleep next to them at night, you share your whole life with them. Little insults add up quickly. They evolve into bigger insults easily. Of all the couples I've seen split up in my lifetime, the one CONSTANT factor I always noted between them was that the couple insulted each other freely, even if it was in jest. If you joke with one another, do so without insulting them. If you wish to criticize the other, make the issue about what they did, not who they are. If you are insulted, explain what they said that insulted you, why, that you would like an apology, and that you do not want them to insult you again. Likewise, if you insult them, even unknowingly, you need to apologize and make a mental note to not do it again.
(eg. On our third date, my wife took me to "The Club" and introduced me to her friends. I'd talked about how I liked to dance, though I was certainly no Fred Astaire, and looked forward to dancing with her. After we danced, she waited until we were all surrounded by her friends before she mocked me with "I thought you said you could dance," then laughed at me there, along with her friends. I ended it that moment. Seriously. I'd made up my mind I was breaking it off. I didn't speak to her the rest of the evening, and while driving her home, I told her it was over, and why. I also told her it would be a cold day in hell before I ever went back to that club with her again. She apologized profusely, had no idea I was so upset over it, and promised not to insult me again. Even then, it took occasional reminders to her not to insult me, because her past relationships had been so awful that insults between her and her exes while they were dating was commonplace. She simply never knew any better. It has been an uphill struggle, but even still, in the near 10 years we've been together, she has directly insulted me perhaps only 5 times, and I have unknowingly insulted her once. That's a far better track record than any Ex-couple that I know.)

  • Learn to budget your money, learn to balance your finances, learn how to plan for retirement, how to save for a house, how to read your credit report, etc. As shallow as it may seem on the surface, money is EXTREMELY important to a successful LTR. Financial reasons are the #1 cause for divorce. Cheating is 2nd, if that gives you any idea of just how important money really is, no matter what people claim to believe, or even honestly believe. If you cannot budget, cannot save, cannot improve your credit, then your relationship is heavily weighted towards failure. Mating with someone (as in pairing up, not just sex) is as much about improving one's own lot in life as it is not wanting to be alone. If you or your partner feels like progress is never made, or indeed, that you are even backsliding on your lot in life with no hope of improvement, then it is only a matter of time before one or both of you feel like you could do better with someone else. If financial guides read like ancient Greek tomes to you, then I recommend this book "The Richest Man in Babylon" by George S. Clason. It's a series of about a dozen short-story allegories easily readable by a teenager in one evening, each of which presents a valuable financial lesson in a fashion similar to Aesop's Fables.

    (eg. My brother is getting divorced after 20 years of marriage. 20 years... Why? Money. His wife never learned to balance money and he refused to learn himself. He just found out. It wasn't a sudden overnight thing, it was year after year after year of just barely scraping by, having nothing set aside for retirement, never any money in reserve for emergencies, nothing saved up for a new house. As of now, both are roughly barely a fraction of a percent better off than they were when they first met. That's just not reasonable to expect of your mate or yourself. Living life hand-to-mouth is for singles flying by the seat of their pants and passion, not for couples looking for a stable relationship to grow old together.)

  • Address little issues before they become big ones. Cheating is rarely about simple inability to keep it in the pants. The person cheating is doing so because there's something they are either seeking that isn't in their current relationship, or they are avoiding something that is. Financial disaster is rarely the result of one isolated incident, but rather years of failing to plan for emergencies and failure to put aside savings. Genuine hatred or dislike of your mate is almost never the result of one argument, but is a combination of years of insults, disappointments, and lack of communication. If something bothers you seriously enough that you're thinking about it when you still go to bed at night, you need to talk to your mate about it. If you can't, then you need to figure out why. Is it their refusal to listen, or your refusal to word it appropriately in a way that gives them the ability to correct the action. Is the onus entirely on them, or do you also bear the responsibility of the situation? If you can't work it out yourselves, get counseling while you're still WILLING to sort it out, rather than after you both have given up.
(eg. At one point my wife said "I just don't like you anymore." It crushed me more utterly and thoroughly than anything or anyone had ever done before. Thankfully, she still -wanted- to like me. There was nothing, however, that I could think of to say or do to change her feelings of me. Though I'd been raised with a serious distrust of marriage counselors, I had an even more serious fear of divorce, so I agreed, despite all trepidation. Thank G-d that I did. It saved our marriage. There were problems that both of us had to sort out, things that took a neutral third party to help us realize that neither of us would have realized on our own. On a similar note, my brother, a few years back, told me about how his wife would occasionally explode at him and cuss him out in front of the girls while shouting and throwing things at him. I suggested he get counseling and he told me that stuff was for p---ies who couldn't handle their own relationships. This is the same brother who is now getting divorced.)


Not being single is as much about maintaining the relationship you have as it is getting one in the first place. It's a tough balancing act, and once you have an LTR, it needs to be your priority in life. Not your job. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not your World of Warcraft, your Sports, your Club, or your shopping. Your mate is your priority. Always. That doesn't mean you can't get some alone time, or time with friends, but it does mean when you have to choose, you choose your significant other, and they should always choose you. Your mate should be your best friend in the world, not just the person you shack up with and occasionally knock steamy boots with. Anything else, and you're just fooling yourself into not breaking off a Short Term soon enough.


This post of yours was so spot on with my experience that I just to have to quote the whole thing.

No offense to anyone, but this was by far the best and most honest advice in this entire thread, and that includes the original post.

I pretty much learned all those lessons the hard way as well, and I feel reading your post will help anyone single and looking far, far more than typical catch phrases like "You find someone when you least expect it".

You have offered honest and practical observations that echo my life experiences.

Well said, sir. Smiley
« Last Edit: July 22, 2010, 08:58:06 am by Brass_Surgeon » Logged
Barrington Von Steamy
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« Reply #138 on: October 21, 2014, 07:00:10 pm »

Hello everyone
My name is Barry.I was browsing the forum as a guest and came across this topic......
As a single guy who is looking for someone special to be with,I have long understood that shared interests are one of the most important things in a successfull relationship and for ages,I have been trying to find somewhere to meet people (specifically those of the fairer sex)
There isn't really as far as I know,a place where a gentleman can state that he is interested in a corset and stocking wearing,pistol toting,late Victorian gentlewoman to accompany him on dressing up adventures and outings of a steamy nature......So I am going to risk humiliation and guffaws of ridicule and state the following
I am a 56 and 2/3rds year old Gentleman.....previously used
I am a London Omnibus Driver(very futuristic,I know)
I am artistic,being a part time sculptor of miniatures and models and I can turn my hand to most crafts of a similar nature
If i described myself as not bad looking,if a little knocked about and worn round the edges I do not think my pants would immediately burst into flames
It appears I have reached the word limit
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Barrington Von Steamy
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« Reply #139 on: October 21, 2014, 07:08:14 pm »

part two........
I am looking for a similar lady,who shares my interests.......perhaps she also has other hobbies too,such as Doll Houses (a steampunk dollhouse.?)
ofcourse other thigs in life are very important
I love my sons and their families ,I enjoy all the normal things like visiting nice places around the country.I particularly enjoy Dorset,where most of my family is and where I would be too given the chance
I enjoy eating out and cooking(I am quite domesticated)
Perhaps if any of this strikes up an interest in you (once again,sorry gentlemen) please get in touch I would love to hear from you(not that I am desperate,but show this to your girlfriends/mothers too !!!)
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