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Author Topic: How to stop being single!  (Read 19996 times)
JingleJoe
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« on: April 02, 2009, 11:38:47 pm »

This thread was inspired by the great and poignant advice given in the singles thread by MWBailey.

Hello. I've posted on here a few times (okay, once, maybe). Like a lot of the fellows on here, I'm pretty much at loose ends, and have been for a while. There are reasons (some of them to do with "burnt fingers," so to speak, and others to do with just never having been too terribly confident; like what I would think is a lot of people, I see my shortcomings magnified.

For almost all of my "adult" life so far, I've listened to the people who said, "don't worry, things'll work out, you don't need to get uptight about it, you've got plenty of time, there're plenty of other fish in the sea, There's someone for everybody, you just have to wait, becareful what you wishfor, you might get it, you'll find someone eventually ..."

Well, now I'm on the far side of 47, have diabetes, going bald, more ailments, it sometimes seems, than I have body parts to hang 'em on...no actual experience (yes I do mean to refer to what you think that that sounds like) and damned few prospects. hell. NO prospects.

So, I wont waste people's time with feel-good advice. I will say these things:
1.DO worry. Go ahead and get out there, and don't listen to the people who say you have plenty of time,
2. Because you DON'T. Speaking from personal experience.
3. Yep, there're lots of fish in the sea, but the older you get, the more likely it will be that the sea will be overfished. So get your pole, or net, or whatever and get out there and fish like you mean it. I didn't, and looky what I haven't got.
4. If there really were somebody for everybody, then everybody would have somebody. Guess what? This thread  wouldn't exist!
5. You don't "have to" wait. thats just a ploy that people use to make you go away and leave them alone (actually all of the above are, in truth).
6. I've never gotten anything I've wished for, (or prayed for) in the romantic department (no, I'm not just feeling sorry for myself, either), so apparently there's no truth in that statement whatsoever.
7. looking to find someone "eventually" will just make you wait your whole life for someone who isn't going to show up. I know. I did.

Go ahead and get out there and LIVE, and dont let preachers or parents or deacons or teachers or anybody tell you that there's anything wrong with it. I listened to them, and speaking from personal experience, it's ALL garbage.

If anybody can stand a curmudgeonly old banjo player (oh, come on, you knew this was coming, admit it) then I'm in Houston, Texas, somewhere, looking for my car keys...

MWBailey
Heed these words!



Can anyone else contribute any good tips for the acquisition of a male or female partner for the purpose of romanic relations? Smiley
« Last Edit: April 02, 2009, 11:41:25 pm by JingleJoe » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2009, 11:44:39 pm »

pull out a gun BITCH BREAK YO'SELF, GIVE ME YO NUMBER !....... *coughs*



i would recomend just getting yourself out there  Smiley
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bizarre_chicken
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« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2009, 11:44:54 pm »

For the guys: When you're talking to a lass, look at the gal's EYES.  Her EYES.

For the gals: It's much easier for a girl to make a move than it is a guy, I've noticed.

For everyone: Just do it, make the move you've wanted to. If you never ask, you never know, and you only live once.

For everyone again: CONFIDENCE. Even if you can fake it, confidence is what makes a person attractive at first glance.
Approaching someone sheepishly isn't very good for the image, but on the same note, try not to come across as arrogant.
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Alain Raethorne
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« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2009, 11:56:34 pm »

and you only live once.

Hey, speak for yourself!

But seriously, confidence really is the key. I was once a rather shy and quiet young man, and once I realized this simple fact, things started looking up for me. Nowadays I'm just a quiet guy whos presence seems to radiate confidence. For some reason, wearing a suit always helps. It does for me, anyways.

Plus, most females that I interact with on a daily basis just can't get over how damned dashing I look. You know what they say about a sharp-dressed man.  Cheesy
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SteamBlast Mary
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« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2009, 11:57:47 pm »

1. Don't go looking for it, it happens when you least expect it and/or is least convenient.
2. At least look in the places that indicate you have something in common with them (Rock night at local club, weekly hobby meet etc).
3. TALK to them. TALK TO THEM!!!
4. Once you have them, CONTINUE TALKING TO THEM. You wanna know what on his/her mind? Ask them! You feel a bit perturbed and want to nip something in the bud? Tell them! Communication. It's not rocket science.


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bizarre_chicken
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« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2009, 12:01:11 am »

1. Don't go looking for it, it happens when you least expect it and/or is least convenient.

What she does NOT mean is sit indoors, asking for advice from strangers on the internetTongue
To have someone be able to come to you, you need to be in a position for them to meet you, even if you're not actively looking.
People don't walk up to people's houses and knock.
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Alain Raethorne
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« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2009, 12:03:46 am »

It's not rocket science.

But it certainly can be.

People don't walk up to people's houses and knock.

And here is where I make an anecdote about stalkers, I guess....
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eggberta echegaray
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« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2009, 01:01:02 am »

Quote
For the guys: When you're talking to a lass, look at the gal's EYES.  Her EYES.

Oh. I thought it was normal to have guys looking at the girl's chest when talking. That's all I've came to know Tongue My two tits actually learned to talk back, it's quite fun and a true freak out for the fella! heh! o.O
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« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2009, 01:15:35 am »

If you are wanting something long term, there is a lot to be said for becoming really good friends first and letting the rest happen naturally. That way you know you have someone with similar interests, who you can have fun with and will want to be around all the time.

Worked for me!
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bizarre_chicken
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« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2009, 01:18:45 am »

If you are wanting something long term, there is a lot to be said for becoming really good friends first and letting the rest happen naturally. That way you know you have someone with similar interests, who you can have fun with and will want to be around all the time.

Worked for me!

But on the same note, if you lose them romantically you can often lose them as a friend too.
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lilibat
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« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2009, 01:39:06 am »

If you are wanting something long term, there is a lot to be said for becoming really good friends first and letting the rest happen naturally. That way you know you have someone with similar interests, who you can have fun with and will want to be around all the time.

Worked for me!

But on the same note, if you lose them romantically you can often lose them as a friend too.

If you are looking for someone  to share your life rather than just your weekends with, it's worth the risk.

Also, for long term potential, make sure you both have the same goals or that your goals match up well.

For more short term kind of relationships, I agree confidence is very important. 

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« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2009, 01:47:35 am »

Exposure, exposure exposure !

I can find no way of guaranteeing that you'll find a mate - But I can guarantee you WON'T find one by staying indoors.  They don't come knocking.

As far as the first post, this is completely accurate.  No one, not any human, god or the stars above, owes you companionship. There are no silver bullet methods. There is nothing fair about it. I'm sorry to report, and sad to say.

Even when you look great on paper, you may not find a mate. Even if you're hot as hell, you may not find anyone looking to you (Hot people have it hard too.. Most people are simply too afraid, and those who aren't afraid are predators)

Everyone is on the same boat.   But ultimately, the only thing I've found that works is that you have to "leave an opening" for someone to talk to you. Steampunk aesthetic is a perfect one - it's like Goth that is approachable and friendly.
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eggberta echegaray
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« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2009, 02:14:22 am »

Personally...I feel there is no rhyme or reason when it comes to "How to stop being single" As far as I can see...it's a crap shoot...some are lucky, whilst others, such as myself, aren't...I don't feel any of the "rules" thus mentioned, really do apply...I've seen some wacked out relationship scenarios, that go beyond "The Rules." Sure, similar goals and aspirations are helpful, and very important when forming a partnership...but sometimes down the road, goals change, views change, personality changes...and you find your long term relationship is breaking apart. I've seen friends with what I considered to be in a lifelong partnership, splitting up after being together for 5, 10 or so more years. *shrugs* That's life. All I know is...trust in one another, working together as a team, and communication is very important to having a great long term relationship experience. I've heard couples say..."We never fight with one another" um....Fighting is NORMAL! Relationship violence however, isn't...but major screaming matches are very healthy and conductive...plus all the make up sex you get to have is a blast Tongue Anyhow...in closing, I do fully agree with MWBailey. Couldn't be further from the truth. But in all honesty....I personally do not mind the solace of being alone. I'm far from being lonely...I get bored a lot of the times, and wish I had someone to go out with...but meh. Smiley Oh...and tolerance....Can't forget tolerance and being patient with someone else's quirks is major part.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2009, 02:29:07 am by eggberta echegaray » Logged
eggberta echegaray
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« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2009, 02:32:10 am »

Quote
Most people are simply too afraid
Ah...yup. LOL! I think that's where I get side railed in finding someone...I can be pretty blunt and intimidating...and I feel it's a real turn off for some guys. Actually, I know it is.
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rovingjack
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« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2009, 02:40:31 am »

Guys: Bathing semi regularly increases your odds.

Gals: you are not cinderella this aint a fairy tale, he's human and your are not gonna like some of the things that occur in the relationship. But Relationships are about relating not getting everything perfect.

Everybody: show them into your secret labratory and share your monolouge. Having heard that they will either run like crazy (which is it's own reward) or they will like you even better for your quirkiness.

But what do I know?
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eggberta echegaray
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« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2009, 02:44:30 am »

Quote
But what do I know?

So far you know quite a lot! Tongue
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Der Tinkermann
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« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2009, 04:09:07 am »

This thread was inspired by the great and poignant advice given in the singles thread by MWBailey.




Can anyone else contribute any good tips for the acquisition of a male or female partner for the purpose of romanic relations? Smiley

Yes of course,go to e-matching.com or whatever it's called......



As Rowan said, this place is for tactile things.
Putting it very simply;

How to make things.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2009, 04:13:21 am by Der Tinkermann » Logged
Alain Raethorne
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« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2009, 04:15:59 am »


As Rowan said, this place is for tactile things.
Putting it very simply;

How to make things.

I think now is the proper time to make a joke about this. Fire away, folks.
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helios
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« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2009, 06:34:22 am »

I...I'm sorry. I can't. I just..can't.
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« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2009, 06:59:41 am »

First, dating is a numbers game. Figure you have a one in a thousand chance of finding someone you want to be with. If you only ask one person out you only have one chance. Ask a thousand people out, odds are at least one is compatible and available. Ask someone out every day. Some are gonna complain that they are nervous or shy around others, my response to this is what is the worse that could happen? they say no. So what.  I know I've been turned down more times than the sheets at a hotel. Didn't kill me, and I learned something from each time, even something as simple as the fact that the pickup line "nice boots, wanna f*ck" is less than wonderfully effective(does work on occasion in my personal experience). If you don't ask, you will never get.

Second, don't get tied up in thinking you need to be in a relationship, desperation stinks and no one wants someone who stinks. Figure out a way to be happy, with or without a companion, and you will find that people are interested in being around you and therefore more likely to be interested in being in a romantic relationship with you.  Conversely if you believe that being in a relationship will somehow fill some void in your being, people will pick up on this and will be turned off. I always figured a relationship is a lot like an Olympic medal, a wonderful thing, but if you aren't enough without it, you'll never be enough with it.yes i did just quote Cool Runnings, shut up its a good movie

As Rowan said, this place is for tactile things.
Putting it very simply;

How to make things.

I think now is the proper time to make a joke about this. Fire away, folks.
Well this is a topic about being on the make as it were. (yeah not my best effort but its late)

Regards
Spooner
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JingleJoe
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« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2009, 11:58:26 am »

Great advice everyone Smiley Quite the enjoyable and informative read Grin



As Rowan said, this place is for tactile things.
Putting it very simply;

How to make things.


When you can write a paragraph as good as Mr bailey's or make a how to not about making things but so damn good that it gets a topic made for it by someone else then you get to complain about this being moderately off topic, untill then you can have some of this Tongue
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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stockton_joans
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« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2009, 01:35:55 pm »

Quote
We never fight with one another" um....Fighting is NORMAL

i had a number of relationships where we never fought and they all ended with heart ache and regret.
i find a girl i can have a good argument with and we've just passed our first wedding anniversary.

and on the subject of getting a girl/guy (delete as applicable)

friends of friends are a good place to start as there will be an excuse for you to be in the same place at the same time and chances are you will have something in common
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« Reply #22 on: April 04, 2009, 05:41:56 am »

Forgiveness is key. The first 3 dates I don't think even count. It's so nerve-racking that it's impossible to see the real other, and the other to see the real you.  First impressions are there , but I find myself left in the dirt because I stumbled on my first (or second) date, maybe stating something alittle too TMI (I have a wartenburg pinwheel, "What's that?")

I rely HEAVILY on body language. I have female friends, and I flat out ask them what I can do to "bring sexy back".  They tell me to use my eyes, tilt my head, what have you. Like Jeff Goldblum getting women hot by his mannerisms - I found what works for me and I use it fully.

That said, I'm still single so whatever Smiley   
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quantumcat
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« Reply #23 on: April 04, 2009, 09:23:20 am »

It is possible for people who aren't young,in perfect health,"experienced" and in posession of great social skills to find love.

One need not be especially comely,well-to-do or blessed with any gifts other than a willingness to find beauty and adventure
in life-including in yourself and those around you.

Cloying optimism can be boring even as cynical despair  can decay the soul.

Find  something (or a lot of somethings) that feed your spirit.

If there's no gusto out there worth grabbing,appoint yourself chief procurment officer for hope and curiosity and general affirmation.

(If you have to acquire a bit of restlessness and doubt in the process,that's o.k.

Finding comfort in your own skin and own here-and -now does not exclude looking for something different or something more.)

Remember,happily ever afters do exist and are just as possible for you as anyone.

But,wanting I-Thou relationships is like wanting sleep,inspiration or relief of pain.

Dwelling on your frustration while you wait doesn't help nor does sticking to the status quo.

The best solution is to make the best of your present in a way that doesn't interfere with your goals but doesn't require you to put yourself on hold while you wait for positive change to fall into your grasp.

As I indicated earlier about insomnia,one defeats the purpose by tossing and turning in the dark.

Giving up, drinking coffee,etc.  while trying to be active leaves one vulnerable and depleted.

Getting out of bed,turning on the light and distracting both sides of the brain with simple,pleasant diversions (like gentle music) takes one out of "failure mode"  and provides rest even while sleep is still elusive.

In a similar matter,making the most of one's present,anticipating a worthwhile future and expecting a certain amount of synergy with the rest of the universe can help one achieve "impossible" goals.

A person doesn't have to become something alien and uncomfortable to attract affection and respect any more than others exist solely to accommodate his or her needs and desires.

We can start small but if we can find something worthwhile in ourselves and in the person in front of us (whether they are a prospective mate or not),others can begin to see those same wonders through our eyes.

I,for one,never had a break in my more "marketable" days.

I found my soul-mate in my forties and we were friends long before it turned romantic.

While marriage is work,the way one can distinguish a genuine bond from a crush,lust,loneliness,etc. is that the hunger and desparation is absent.

The obsession vanishes and each party is valued for his own sake and not as a prop,ingredient or trophy.

(Is it love or obsession?  "Obsession: when having a person or thing can never feel as good as being without them feels bad.")

I'm older,diabetic,disabled,balding - and my husband's not perfect either.

(Think of a  silver-backed morph of  Papa Hemingway and Buddha and you'll have my consort.

I'm more of a hybrid of Kathy Bates and a Shmoo.)

I see what I missed out on way back when and I find myself agreeing with Garth Brooks about "The Dance" and unanswered prayers.

Lovers are rather like shoes.

The right ones are comfortable and supportive whether they are cute or not.

The wrong ones will cripple  or cause one to stumble however stylish they may seem.

The sexiest ones make folks feel good and help them arrive where they need to be.

To reiterate what the others have suggested:

Don't give up.

Don't "settle".

Don't look to others to "cure" you.

Don't include someone else in your life if it means excluding yourself.

Don't postpone life until everything reaches a mythical state of perfection.

Do remember you and your interests have value.

Do accept that others have a life apart from you-including flaws,goals,fears and baggage of their own.

Do keep some separateness even while you engage in the outside world.

Do  give of yourself without thought of personal gain (even if you do enjoy yourself in the process).

Do stay mindful that respect,agape and FUN give more to relationships than anything else.


I wish you and all other seekers the best.

May you have a rich and interesting life for yourself and for exchanges of joy with those fortunate enough to know you.







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SteamBlast Mary
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« Reply #24 on: April 04, 2009, 11:36:14 am »

Amen to that.
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