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Author Topic: Lovecraftian Humor  (Read 21819 times)
Albrecht
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« Reply #75 on: December 04, 2008, 06:18:41 am »

Oh wow, what rock have I been living under?

-Kit

Hopefully one along the banks of the Miskantonic.
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Dr Fidelius
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Professor of Applied Paleontology, Miskatonic U.


« Reply #76 on: December 04, 2008, 01:38:37 pm »

Oh wow, what rock have I been living under?

-Kit

Hopefully one along the banks of the Miskantonic.

Then it would be an unspeakable, blasphemous stone whose angles suggest masonary of a monstrous megathic type from some forgotten Pre-Cambrian edifice of the lost Great Race.

I have several I use as paperweights.
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The opinions expressed here are my own, and do not represent any other persons, organizations, spirits, thinking machines, hive minds or other sentient beings on this world or any adjacent dimensions in the multiverse.
Gentleman-Adventurer
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Freelance Hero, and Beau Sabreur.


« Reply #77 on: December 04, 2008, 09:31:15 pm »

Oh wow, what rock have I been living under?

-Kit

Hopefully one along the banks of the Miskantonic.

Then it would be an unspeakable, blasphemous stone whose angles suggest masonary of a monstrous megathic type from some forgotten Pre-Cambrian edifice of the lost Great Race.

I have several I use as paperweights.

Surely parchment-constructed-from-the-flayed-hides-of-the-innocent-weights?
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"What do we do? You're asking me 'what do we do'? We do what we always do....We CHARGE, by thunder!" Captain Haephestus Burnside, of the "Reckless Abandon", shortly before a boarding action.

"You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!" Henry IV, Act II Scene I, WS.
Dr Fidelius
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« Reply #78 on: December 08, 2008, 12:04:52 am »

Right, but "mind-destroying documents inscribed on the eldritch hides of creatures unknown to rational science" weights just takes so long to type out.
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SteamKit
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Call me Kit, everybody else does.


« Reply #79 on: December 08, 2008, 08:52:42 am »

Right, but "mind-destroying documents inscribed on the eldritch hides of creatures unknown to rational science" weights just takes so long to type out.

Although like any good Lovecraftian item, the mere mention of such a thing will make people back away with a shocked and scared expression on their face.

-Kit
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Allen Personal Translocation Modules: Why travel when you can arrive?

I didn't become an unlicensed surgeon to be called "Mister."
Captain Brandsson
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« Reply #80 on: December 09, 2008, 12:29:19 am »

More Lovecraftian humor:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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- Maximilian
Kor Greenfield
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« Reply #81 on: December 09, 2008, 12:25:36 pm »

That. Is. Brilliant. BRILLIANT! I love it.  Cheesy
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Normal is something we've invented to keep out the demons and Gods and magic and monsters that live just on the other side of the "normal' world we've built for ourselves.
Dr Fidelius
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Professor of Applied Paleontology, Miskatonic U.


« Reply #82 on: December 09, 2008, 03:04:03 pm »

In the spirit of the upcoming Yule observances, I present this little tale, shamelessly stolen from a friend of mine (CalMeacham) on the Message Board of www.straightdope.com.  The thread is “If A Christmas Carol had been written by someone else.”

Quote
Old Man Scrooge had lived in the dark, boarded-up house for as long as anyone could recall. He lived in only the top suite of rooms, but from time to time passers-by reported strange noises coming from the locked rooms beneath. Some reported to have heard the rattling of chains, while others spoke of the loud cacophony of noises reminiscent of a coach-and-four being driven up the stairs. Others voiced dark suspicions that a ramp had been installed, and whole ruminants driven to assuage the appetites of whatever was within.

Late at night, strange lights of a squamous color were seen through the open windows of Scrooge's habitation, and he could be overheard expostulating as if arguing with other persons although no one had been seen to enter. "Leave me alone!" was one phrase he is supposed to have cried. "The Spirits! The Spirits have done it!" another reported. But none dared approach, because the knockers on Scrooge's door seemed to change eerily as one approached.


Matters came to a head on that Solstice evening, when loud noises and strange lights issued from the house, and Scrooge cried louder than before, and ultimately ran mad from the house, wild-eyed and screaming at everyone in the streets. All agreed that he was a changed man, and it was said that whatever had happened in that room had driven him insane.


---H.P. Lovecraft's Ghosts in the Walls
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Mrs. Sullivan
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« Reply #83 on: December 22, 2008, 06:40:13 pm »

More Lovecraftian humor in a seasonal vein, sent to me by a friend...



> A Lovecraft Christmas
> By Pete Sears
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 2
> I have returned home after a long time away. Time seems not to have
> touched Arkham
> very much. Oh you'll see the occasional cell phone on the street but
> the old-timers who
> sit around at the hardware store seem to be the same ones that sat
> there in my youth.
> I've spent so much time in diverse corners of the world seeking the
> strange and unusual
> that even my childhood home seems quaint and curious in the same way
> that Yoruba
> tribesmen do. I find myself having to bite my tongue whenever I get
> the urge to ask
> the natives to explain their customs. New England reticence is
> something I'm having to
> relearn.
>
> For example. I'm staying at the old ancestral home and it's quiet
> enough to
> enable me to study. It's also remote enough to allow me to cast a
> spell or two
> in the back yard without being observed. But every time I venture
> into town I
> am struck by small changes there. Townsfolk, whom I suppose are
> trying to be
> friendly, keep asking me if I'm "Getting ready for the Holidays."
> I'm not aware
> of any particular holidays. Perhaps there's some sort festival in
> the offing. I shall ask.
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 4
> It would seem that there is some sort of winter festival. When I
> inquired I was looked
> at strangely and avoided but finally I did get a straight answer.
> I've also noted some
> strange behavior in town. People seem to be smiling...a lot. They
> seem to be extremely
> busy and carrying a lot of suspicious parcels.
> Journal Entry: Dec 13
> I've observed a strange ritual. Last night, two husky men came onto
> the back of my
> property and cut down a pine tree. Taking up my shotgun to deal with
> the trespassers,
> I watched as they dragged the tree back to their car. Was that all
> they had come for?
> Had they broken the law merely to steal a tree? Fascinated and
> horrified, I followed
> them back to their home. They took the tree off their car and took
> it into their house.
> Watching from the bushes, I observed the tree thieves as they began
> to cover
> their ill-gotten foliage with strange blinking lights and odd icons
> of some sort. Is
> this some sort of odd cult activity? Perhaps some bizarre fertility
> ritual. (Shub?!?)
> Is the tree supposed to be an Altar? Sacrifice? Antenna? More study
> is required.
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 16
> This cult is far more widespread than I suspected was possible. Much
> of the
> town appears to have been affected. I am considering summoning help.
> Many of the townsfolk seem to be smiling that same insipid smile. I
> am beginning to
> worry. I walking through town assembling some notes about this
> phenomenon when
> I went into a department store for more paper. A large man in a red
> suit and
> a bushy white beard stared at me and rang a small bell. He seemed to
> want me
> to make some offering to a small bucket on a tripod and gave me a
> hard look
> when I didn't. I asked the manager if there was a back way out of
> the store.
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 17
> Had a bad turn today. Found that the maid had erected one of those
> tree
> altars in the living room. Was terrified beyond comprehension by the
> thing.
> Frankly she was completely non-plussed at my reaction. "But it's
> traditional."
> she said. I was forced to dismiss her.
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 19
> My private library has proven useless for this "Winter Festival". I
> must brave
> going into town again and attempting research in the public library.
> I fear time
> is growing short somehow...and this is compounded by the snow which
> is
> coming down very hard now. I fear I will be snowed in if this keeps
> up.
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 20
> I am filled with horror. Venturing into town to use the library, I
> encountered the
> man in the red suit again. He was speaking very intently to a very
> small child who was
> rapt in attention at his words. I hurried along before he could
> notice me. I arrived at
> the Library and presented myself as an anthropologist studying the
> basis of this
> local "Winter Festival" I was looked at quizzically, but directed
> well by the
> young lady at the desk. Apparently this cult is very old and it's
> practices
> are particularly gruesome. It apparently started with the Celts (who
> died out by the way)
> It's now masquerading as the festival of the birth of some Christian
> martyr. but
> it's practices are very suspicious. I'm having to read between the
> lines of course,
> but I'm seeing a terrifying pattern here. There's apparently some
> flying
> creature with claws. (The translation here may be flawed) It goes
> forth
> once per year to reward the faithful and punish the transgressors. It
> particularly likes "sweets" ( which I take to mean
> sweetbreads...Horrible!)
> and will consume these offerings if they are left for him.
> Apparently no home
> is proof against this horrific beast who is able to invade through the
> smallest fireplace (Significance? Hastur relationship?) The faithful
> are
> also enjoined to put up stockings up on the mantel and they will be
> "filled."
> I can only assume with the severed legs of the "bad little children".
> There is also some sort of connection to a "Snowman" (Ithaqua? It
> must be!)
> This finally explains the bizarre patterns in the snow and odd snow
> sculptures
> all over town. As I walked home, trying to make some sense of this
> horrific
> puzzle. I saw the man in red again. He seems to be everywhere. Is he
> following me?
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 21
> I had bad dreams last night. The Man in Red had invaded my home with
> a very
> large sack. To what end I don't know. I woke up screaming when he
> turned and
> I recognized his face. This was not the only strange thing that I
> encountered. As
> the snow dashed my hopes of leaving town before this hideous ritual
> could take place.
> I began to knock around the house. I discovered that the
> refrigerator has
> become home to strange foodstuffs. I found a pitcher of some odd
> smelling
> spicy fluid which looked like milk gone bad. I also found an odd
> cake like
> substance with unidentifiable red and green THINGS in it. I was forced
> to dismiss the cook. These cultists are everywhere but at least I
> have the house to myself.
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 22
> Had the dream again. Will this nightmare ever cease? I also had
> visions of...
> something dancing in my head. I can feel a horrific change coming
> over me.
> It's slow and pernicious but I'm beginning to feel it's effects. I
> saw myself in
> the mirror today and I didn't recognize myself. I had that SMILE on
> my face...
> No it's not even a smile, it's more of a rictus. It took some effort
> to wipe it
> from my face. I found myself in front of the fridge looking at the
> fluid and the
> evil looking cake.... wondering what they tasted like. I fear for my
> immortal soul.
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 23
> Last night as I was trying to calm myself by the fire. (which I keep
> burning
> all the time now.) I heard the high piping voices of the cultists
> outside my door.
> They were singing to me...In Latin! Something about "Come all ye
> faithful"
> or somesuch. I was filled with such fear that I was forced to
> retreat to the
> basement where I sat and trembled until they finally went away. I
> wanted
> to go to them....I wanted... No. Best not to think about that now.
>
> Journal Entry: Dec 24
> This may be my last entry. I have dealt with some horrifying things
> in my life but this is far too much to handle alone. I am forced to
> take
> drastic measures. I have taken a few household chemicals and rigged
> a primitive detonator which I can trigger from the garage. It should
> kill
> anything in the house...At least that is my hope. I can feel the
> "Christmas Spirit" trying to take over my body and I want no part of
> it.
> I'll either kill the Flying Klaws or I'll freeze to death out here.
> Lose the
> house or lose my life. It's a small price to pay to end this
> pernicious menace.
>
> original from Pete Sears
> The Templeton Institute of Advanced Human Dynamics
> http://home1.gte.net/revk/index.htm found on newsnet
>
>
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I\\\'m in Darkshines\\\' Sewing Swap!
Clockwerk Wolf
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He's a right looney, that one...


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« Reply #84 on: December 29, 2008, 02:26:03 pm »

Oh my that's a riot.  Cheesy
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Alexander Edmund Clough
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United Kingdom United Kingdom



« Reply #85 on: December 31, 2008, 09:39:34 pm »

Lovecraftian horoscope by the rather fabulous Mr Cheyenne Wright:

http://www.arcanetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/horoscope_2007_oct12_lovecraft.mp3
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So God Save the Queen, 'Cause anything is possible for a man in a top hat with a monkey with a monocle!


Clockwerk Wolf
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He's a right looney, that one...


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« Reply #86 on: December 31, 2008, 09:55:14 pm »

 Cheesy
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Pnakotus
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« Reply #87 on: December 31, 2008, 10:18:20 pm »

Did I miss something, or has this thread actually gone for 6 pages without the Unspeakable Vault of Doom being mentioned?
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"Tie two birds together,
and although they have four wings,
they cannot fly."
Dax
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"That is the Law. Are we not Men?"


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« Reply #88 on: January 01, 2009, 06:32:07 am »

And no one has used the word "cyclopean" even once.

"Cyclopean"!  (Slams a beer).
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Blackadder: A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
Clockwerk Wolf
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He's a right looney, that one...


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« Reply #89 on: January 01, 2009, 06:38:37 am »

Did I miss something, or has this thread actually gone for 6 pages without the Unspeakable Vault of Doom being mentioned?



Not entirely unmentioned, as I had posted some of their 2D shennanigans on previous pages. Quite a humorous read if I do say so myself.
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H. MacHinery
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United States United States


« Reply #90 on: January 01, 2009, 07:28:46 am »

And no one has used the word "cyclopean" even once.

"Cyclopean"!  (Slams a beer).

Or "rugose"

Rugose! <drinks a shot>
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Clockwerk Wolf
Snr. Officer
****
United States United States


He's a right looney, that one...


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« Reply #91 on: January 01, 2009, 07:50:39 am »

And no one has used the word "cyclopean" even once.

"Cyclopean"!  (Slams a beer).

Not quite old bean. Page 4.  Wink

Now give that beer back.



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Dax
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"That is the Law. Are we not Men?"


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« Reply #92 on: January 01, 2009, 11:41:23 pm »

Well, that was me wayyyy back then.

Besides, do you really want it back? 
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GCCC
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« Reply #93 on: February 24, 2014, 06:07:22 am »

And now, a word from our sponsor:

Re: Old Spice
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GCCC
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« Reply #94 on: February 24, 2014, 06:08:45 am »

UNSPEAKABLE HORROR!

The Adventures of Lil Cthulhu
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walking stick
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« Reply #95 on: February 25, 2014, 11:33:11 pm »

Try this (watch out for a Lewis Carroll joke in here as well)
Hey There Cthulhu (new live performance) [a Lovecraftian song]

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GCCC
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« Reply #96 on: February 26, 2014, 02:02:11 am »

Brilliant!
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GCCC
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« Reply #97 on: April 26, 2014, 06:15:50 am »

This seems appropriate:

« Last Edit: October 03, 2015, 03:53:19 am by GCCC » Logged
GCCC
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« Reply #98 on: April 26, 2014, 06:18:34 am »

This is hysterical. Really listen to the audio.

True Facts About The Octopus
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GCCC
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« Reply #99 on: April 29, 2014, 04:45:06 am »

« Last Edit: October 03, 2015, 03:54:04 am by GCCC » Logged
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